No One Wants to Be Miss Havisham

by Brigid Coady

He was in London

  Did she want to meet him? Of course she did.

  She wanted to grab the driver and tell him to take her to the airport or wherever he was. To leave now, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred pounds or stop for a wedding.

  The wedding.

  She had to go to the wedding.

  Edie started to work out how quickly she could get away from the church and go meet him.

  But you promised, Mel, the voice in her head told her.

  And that was the problem.

  Edie didn't need to see the sparkle of glitter flashing in her eye from the flower girl's ballet shoes, to remind her that she had other commitments to keep.

  "I'm sorry, I'm at a wedding today." She cringed as she said it. Would he think she was deliberately standing him up? "I'm the maid of honour. It’s Mel Remington's wedding. I can't. I want…" she stuttered to a stop.

  Please let him understand. Edie's heart thundered. Don't let him think I'm pushing him away. She shivered as she remembered his no show at her funeral.

  Was this the beginning?

  "No, I understand. I was just so desperate to see you and didn't want to wait another two weeks," he was smiling; she could hear it in his voice. She remembered that he was a smiley person. How his grins had reached out to her as if he were hugging her.

  She missed his hugs too; she hadn't realised before.

  She could feel his phantom arms around her, holding her close and making her feel safe.

  "But maybe we can talk?" He said. "While I'm away. We could Skype?"

  Then she'd see his smiles as well as hear them.

  "Yes," she said. "I'd like that."

  There was an awkward silence but she knew he was smiling down the phone at her, because she was grinning down the phone to him.

  "Bye then," he said.

  "Bye," she whispered. Pressing the phone to her ear even harder she heard the line disconnect.

  "Daddy," she finished.

  Edie could feel her face pulling into a smile she hadn't worn in years. Maybe he would teach her to be a smiley person too.

  She clutched the locket around her neck.

  "Edie? Are you OK?" Maggie interrupted her thoughts.

  Edie jumped. She'd forgotten she wasn't alone.

  "That was my dad." Edie said in wonder.

  "Oh Edie," Maggie reached across and patted her knee.

  "He's in town for a few hours but…" Edie gestured at the dress and the posy.

  "Well maybe afterwards?" But even Maggie sounded doubtful.

  Edie clutched her phone in one hand and the locket in the other.

  Maybe she could sneak out? She could tell Mel. She'd understand. Edie could call her dad back and then she could see him, even for a moment.

  She could, couldn't she?

  "Edie?" Maggie asked.

  "We'll work something out." Edie said.

  And then she knew it was the right time to see what was in the locket. She'd avoided opening it until she met her dad. Well that call almost counted as meeting him.

  If it had been a photo of her dad inside and she never got to see him, she hadn’t wanted to open it. But now she would be seeing him so the photo wouldn’t matter.

  It was time.

  Gently she clicked the lock that held the two pieces together and it swung open.

  There was no photo.

  But there was more engraved writing.

  Remember - never let anyone stop you being the best you can be

  It was there, engraved in a locket by her heart.

  And then she knew why her father's voice had sounded so familiar. It was the voice she heard when that saying went through her head.

  But for so long she'd been the one stopping herself being the best.

  She closed the locket again and smoothed it down to rest on her heart.

  "So what are you going to do?" Maggie asked.

  "I'm going to do my best." Edie replied. It was all she could do.

  The car turned the last corner and they arrived at the church, a Victorian red brick building in a south London suburb.

  And somehow they'd arrived before Mel.

  Please let it be the driver being fancy with his sat nav rather than Mel having a change of heart, she thought.

  Please. Please. She sent the words upwards and hoped someone would hear.

  Edie stepped out of the car smoothing her dress down, trying to get rid of the wrinkles. Not that there was really anything she could do about the rest of the dress.

  Edie shifted from foot to foot, waiting for Mel to arrive.

  Maybe she could be at the service and the photos then race back up to Heathrow and meet her dad. Surely that would be fine? It just took a bit of planning.

  Then turning the corner came the white Bentley, sweeping up to the steps of the church. Edie got to the door before the chauffeur to help Mel out.

  "Do you think he's here? Edie, can you check?" Mel was pale under her makeup, the blusher standing out on her cheeks.

  Edie had to concentrate; this wasn't about her meeting her dad. This was about Mel.

  “Of course.” Edie said.

  Anything to make Mel feel better, Edie had put her faith in Barry. He would turn up. He had to.

  She could only deal with her side of things.

  The feeling of being out of control threatened to swamp her.

  She could feel herself tightening up, shutting down her emotions to deal with it.

  She was freezing over.

  No. She needed to learn a new way to cope.

  Losing her barriers, her need to trust in love and other people would mean that she felt out of control.

  She'd get used to it.

  She smiled, cracking the thin layer of ice that had started to form, and she squeezed Mel's hand.

  Edie left Jo and Sophie to fuss over Mel and walked up the steps and crept into the church; the long skirts of the Day-Glo green silk bridesmaid’s dress swishing on the cold stone.

  “Whoever sent me those Ghosts, you have to make this right. I’m doing everything you asked. I believe. Goddammit, I believe.” she said.

  She wondered if she had to clap to show she believed in love or would that only work for fairies?

  And from above came a small flash of glitter, it fell from the rafters and settled on the back of her hand.

  She stared at it. Let it be a sign, she thought.

  She hid behind one of the towering flower arrangements. Spiky petals thrust to the ceiling.

  She parted the foliage and peered through. There were three figures at the front of the church, waiting at the altar.

  Barry was tugging at his tie and fidgeting.

  Tom was standing beside him and was chewing on his lip.

  And towering over them all was Jack Twist. He had his hand on Barry’s arm, talking to him and he seemed to be reassuring him.

  She looked at the glitter again. It flashed in the light from the stained glass window. She now had to hope Barry would go through with it…

  But she had to leave it in the lap of the gods and, by the looks of things, Jack Twist.

  Edie let the foliage sprung back and smoothed a crumpled bloom, until she realised how it could look and quickly snatched her hand away. She hoped no one saw.

  She crept back out and into the vestibule where the bridal party were now huddled, waiting for an update.

  "So? Is he here?" Mel asked as soon as she saw Edie.

  "He's here." Edie smiled encouragingly.

  "Thank you," Mel said clutching her bouquet, tears beginning to appear in her eyes.

  Mel’s father, Doug, was also misty eyed and his face was red with emotion. He was patting Mel's hand.

  “Baby, see Edie fixed it. You'll be fine. And I’m sorry that your mother and I almost ruined this for you. We love you. We’ll work something out, but that is for us to do. Not you. And we’re so happy for you and Barry.” He slid a look at Edie, his face went reddish purple and he looked away quickly.


  Edie looked away, her face also red. There were things she now knew about Maggie and Doug that no one should know.

  Maybe she'd be able to face them without blushing sometime in the next decade.

  “I love you, Daddy.” Mel said.

  "Love you too, baby." Doug replied, threading her arm through his.

  Edie wished she could say that, she desperately wanted to hear it too. Maybe today. Mel would understand. But as she thought that, she touched her locket and she remembered.

  She had to be the best she could be. And that meant that for today she would do what Mel needed, and if that meant missing seeing her dad…

  Her heart squeezed.

  There was a wheezing sound from the church, then some whistling, which suddenly erupted into the start of the processional music. The organ was elderly, probably as old as the church

  This was it.

  For better or for worse.

  Edie prayed that Barry didn’t do a Four Weddings moment and declare it was all off right at the altar. If he did she was going to show Jack Twist what a rugby tackle really looked like.

  "Ready?" Edie asked Mel who nodded back, her face now flushed beneath the make-up.

  The small flower girl, who in no way resembled the Ghost of Weddings Past, for which Edie had been thankful for, started down the aisle. She flung fistfuls of pink and white petals instead of scattering them and as a result ran out halfway down the nave. She stood for a moment, staring into her basket before she ran up the aisle to find her mother, where she buried her face in her lap.

  Edie smiled. There was no point worrying.

  Then came Jo, who bounced down the aisle on the balls of her feet. Followed by Sophie, who was too slim, red-headed and bitter to be Ghost of Weddings Present.

  And, before she was quite ready, it was Edie’s turn.

  She hoped she'd shed any of the despair and sadness that had wrapped itself round Miss Havisham, the Ghost of Weddings Past.

  She wanted to channel the jolly bridesmaid of the present, or at least her own version of it.

  Edie could feel everyone staring at her. Their looks held weight and she felt she was dragging them with her as she walked down the aisle. They were like the chain she wasn't sure she still carried. The further she walked, the more she saw; some were watching her with hatred and others with contempt.

  She squared her shoulders and carried on. This was the beginning of a long journey. She couldn’t change people's opinions overnight. There was a long way to go to make things right but…She thought of her locket. It was all about being the best you could be and no one said that was an easy way to live your life. But some things were worth the pain, she realised.

  The organ crashed, wheezed and whistled its way to a crescendo before it paused and then the wedding march started.

  Edie smiled as she reached the altar and saw Barry turned round and look past Edie. His face was pale, but it lit up from within, his hand dropped from his collar. He drew himself up and pulled his waistcoat down. His face broke into a wide, wondering grin.

  He’s seen Mel, thought Edie. Everything would be OK.

  She let herself relax, and she felt the weight of the stares lessen as they all turned to watch the bride.

  So far, so good.

  Edie watched Mel walk down the aisle.

  Gone was the scared flushed girl she'd left in the vestibule. It was as if with every step she took towards Barry, she gained the inner glow Edie remembered from the wedding dress fitting. And as she reached him, she was incandescent.

  Edie crossed her fingers behind her posy. This could actually work.

  She caught Jack staring at her.

  He towered over Barry, but for once he wasn't the centre of attention. Only Edie was watching him.

  His eyes were narrowed with suspicion as he looked at her.

  Let him worry, she thought as she grinned back at him. This was going to be good. Mel and Barry would get married and everything would work out.

  There was a brief collective holding of breath when the vicar asked whether anyone had any just cause or impediment to stop the marriage.

  Edie ignored the weight of stares from the congregation. She wasn't stopping this.

  And then finally there were the ‘I dos’ but Edie didn’t stop crossing her fingers until Mel and Barry were locked in their first marital embrace.

  Yes. She gave a mini fist pump with her posy.

  As the congregation applauded and the organ wheezed back into life, Edie heard above it, the sound of a clink as if some links from a chain had fallen away.

  The scrum in the vestry where they signed the register was joyful. There was room only for Mel, Barry, Edie, Tom and the photographer.

  Through the door she could see Jack frowning at her.

  "Edie," Tom whispered in her ear. She jumped.

  How had he got so close?

  It was weird to think that at one point she'd known where he was without thinking. Like she could now with Jack.

  But before she could reply, they had to move round and sign their names.

  And before she knew it, they were all walking behind Mel and Barry down the aisle.

  Sophie had grasped Jack's arm and dragged him with her. So Edie walked ahead of Tom and Jo, on her own and out into the sunshine.

  Edie felt the sun on her face and turned up to it like a sunflower. She almost skipped down the steps. But instead, she promptly tripped over the first step and a hand had to haul her back before she went down them face first. The hand wasn't calloused or big enough to be Jack's. And it didn't make her stomach break out into butterflies.

  She looked up and saw it was Tom. He’d let go of Jo’s arm and run to catch her.

  Edie could feel the guests holding their breath as they realised that this could become a scene.

  "Thanks," she said and moved out of his hold carefully.

  She saw a small hand with a large glittering stone on their ring finger take Tom's from where it hung as if he was going to grab Edie again.

  She stared at Tom.

  This was the man she could've married. She remembered the way his curls had felt between her fingers. The kisses that had woken her up every morning. The feel of his hand curled round hers.

  And she glanced down to see that hand clasping someone else’s.

  Chapter 26

  She waited to feel a slam in her chest, that punch of regret. Instead all she felt was a wave of sadness breaking over her for what could've been. For what she'd thrown away. And then there was a brief tug of happiness that they'd once been in love, as she felt the tide on their relationship go out.

  It seemed to have happened to another person. A different Edie.

  "Edie." He sounded eager but wary behind a front of cheerfulness; it was odd that she could still read him that well.

  "It's good to see you," he carried on and she could see he was searching for something in her face. Looking for the girl he'd known.

  She could feel her mouth pull up into a smile. She never thought she would smile at him again. It felt nice, as if she was flexing a muscle she'd been too worried to move in case it hurt.

  "Tom, it’s good to see you too."

  Edie then waited for the introduction to the woman at his side. The woman she'd already seen before in her hauntings. She didn't think it was socially polite to make out that she'd overheard them at dinner. Or, of course, what their future could hold.

  Not socially polite and of course the quickest route to the mental hospital.

  "Edie, this is Kitty." Tom introduced Kitty as if she was a prize. Like he was laying a conquest at Edie's feet. And he wasn't looking at Kitty, but at Edie as he said it, waiting for her reaction, as if he wanted her to praise him.

  Edie also realised the whole wedding congregation was watching her just as closely. As if she were a ticking time bomb about to go off.

  They were all going to be very bored, very quickly.

  "Kitty, it is great to meet you.
" Edie smiled.

  She was happy for them; although she was also apprehensive.

  What was she supposed to do with the knowledge of their future? Was she meant to fix it?

  Edie wasn't going to do anything, in case she mucked it up. If she wished hard enough maybe they would have a happy marriage and Kitty wouldn't become the bitter woman she'd seen.

  Edie looked back up at Tom who was eagerly waiting for something.

  But maybe she was supposed to tell them?

  Edie was confused. Why didn't this whole experience come with instructions?

  Is this what he wanted? Marrying a woman who would be happy for him to cheat? Marrying someone he would cheat on? It seemed so sad. Or was Edie supposed to stop it?

  Or maybe Edie had done this?

  Part of her wanted to shake Tom and remind him of what it could be like, but what right did she have? She'd spent the past ten years hiding.

  A whole decade spent frozen.

  She'd always thought Tom was fine; he'd left because he hadn't loved her any more. But she'd seen him in that restaurant. She'd watch what she'd done to him.

  No one came out unscathed. But she couldn't save everyone. Could she?

  She looked back at Kitty whose eyes were cold behind the smile.

  "I hear congratulations are in order?" Edie could do this.

  Maybe she couldn't have done it yesterday and definitely not a week ago but things had changed. She needed to get through this wedding with grace and determination and make it the best day for Mel and Barry. That didn't include a scene that everyone seemed ready to settle down to watch with popcorn.

  "Yes, we're very happy," Kitty purred. She wrapped her arm round her and Tom's linked hands and drew him closer.

  Edie smiled. She had to leave them to sort it out. Look what had happened when she’d interfered with Doug and Maggie.

  She moved past them and down the rest of the steps.

  She'd done it.

  "Edie." Jack was coldly polite as they stood for photos in front of the church. She was trying to keep as much distance as she could between herself and Tom. Plus she was avoiding Sophie. Which meant that she was stuck next to Jack.

  Rocks, spikes and hard place came to mind.

  "I don’t know what you’re playing at.” Jack spoke out of the side of his mouth.

  "What do you mean?" Edie's face hurt from the grin she couldn't lose, no matter what was happening. Admittedly it made everyone think she was on drugs or mentally unstable.