Cross Check: The second Posh Hits story

by Caron Allan

  Walking back to the house, I was overwhelmed by sadness. I felt as though I had let Thomas down and it seemed as though the whole purpose of this trip had been a failure. I had no idea what I was going to do next, or how I could get the sense of closure I needed so I could move on and give Matt – and the children – the commitment I wanted to give, and they deserved.

  As I approached the house, I turned to gaze back at the area round me, the lovely trees, the garden, the wide sweeping lawn going down to the lake, the drive, broad and grey-gravelled. Birds sang in the hedges some feet away and off in the distance, the sound of a shot jolted my nerves and made my blood freeze in my veins and dragged my thoughts back to that day. With an effort, I turned towards the house again and, as if I was an observer, I saw myself watch the stretcher bearing my husband’s body to the front of the house, ready for the ambulance. I saw Jess, pale but motherly, resolved, holding me back as I screamed. Murdo was there too, grim and white-faced, fighting back his own tears at the loss of the man who was not just his brother-in-law but one of his closest friends.

  I shivered and shook away those images. Nausea rolled over me in waves.

  In the house I hovered in the hallway, not sure where to go. From the back of the house, I heard childish voices then Jess and Matt talking and laughing. I was not ready to join them just yet, so I went upstairs. And as I reached the upper landing, I looked across the hall and saw the door to the room Thomas and I had shared last year. My nerves and nausea left me and it was as though the sun had come out. Peace fell about my shoulders. This was the place.

  I went in, bracing myself on the threshold then stepping through the door, bringing my own ghosts with me. If I had entered the room and seen Thomas standing there, it would not have surprised me in the least. But I didn’t. The room was empty. I think it was empty …

  It was warm in there. There was something indefinable, as if the room reached out to me, drawing close around me, it felt warm, it felt intimate. I walked across to the bed and sat down on the side that had been mine last year, the side by the window. I waited.

  He was here with me. I know it sounds crazy. But I could feel him, and tears came into my eyes. I hoped no one would come looking for me, it was crucial I had these next few moments with him, with the husband of my memories. I was calm, my tears came as a relief, I was aware of only warmth and love in the room.

  “Hello, Thomas, Darling.” I said softly. I waited, composing myself. And still half-listening for any intrusive step or voice. But now my words flowed naturally. “It’s been such a long time,” I continued, “and I miss you so much. When you first – “ I groped for a word, “when you first left me, I was so lost, completely and utterly lost, without hope or feeling. I wanted to die, I was broken without you. I couldn’t believe I would never see you again, I couldn’t - I didn’t want - to accept it. It was too cruel, you were too young, and you were everything to me. And it was months before I even felt like I could shower or brush my hair or even eat because there seemed to be no point in doing any of those things if I wasn’t doing them for you.”

  It was as though an emotional dam broke inside me then. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my nose and I rummaged for a tissue and blotted the dampness, still thinking about what I was trying to say. “I’m so sorry!” I blurted out suddenly and without even realising what was happening, I burst into tears and sobbed into a wad of tissues, subsiding onto the pillows. I gave myself up to the waves of grief that poured out of me and through me. I lost all sense of time. Eventually though, time passed and the tears stopped flowing and I felt spent and a deep sense of relief. I sat up and tidied myself and was about to say something when suddenly from outside in the garden I heard Matt’s voice. He sounded as though he were laughing. He sounded so close by, I even looked around for him.

  “Come on, slowcoach!”

  At first I thought he was talking to me, but then I heard Paddy calling something to him, followed by Billy and Jess. I smiled at the thought of them and it occurred to me that you can’t hide things from dead people, especially people you love and so I simply said, “sorry my Darling, them’s the breaks. I will never stop loving you but now I have all these other people in my life, people who need me and love me. And of course there’s the new baby too. It would have been wonderful if you and I had been able to have children, if you were still here. But we can’t change the past, only accept it.”

  As I said this, the bedroom door softly creaked and opened. I watched, surprised. When I saw that there was no one there, I smiled to myself again. When something like that happens it’s difficult to not see it as a sign of some sort. So I got up and walked over to the door, turning back into the room to say, “take care, Darling. Love you.”

  And I went downstairs with a light skip, trembling a little, teary but feeling as though I had turned a corner and found myself in a new and beautiful world. I felt light. I felt renewed. Then I thought to myself, why did I say ‘take care’ to a dead person? That’s just a stupid thing to say. But I know he would have understood what I meant.

  Monday 18 August – 11.45pm

  OMG! Or, as Jane Eyre would say, Reader, I married him!

  !!!!!!!

  We had a very quiet, family time Wednesday afternoon, after my little farewell with Thomas, my poor Darling. Wednesday night there was a storm, which I listened to with the windows thrown wide – the children, exhausted from all their fun in the fresh air, were flat out as always and slept through the whole thing! So I sat on the window seat and watched it all. I felt as though a storm was working its way through all my jumbled feelings at the same time as the natural one and when I woke at dawn, the storm was over, the air was fresh and I had a crick in my neck from falling asleep leaning on the window sill. I took myself back to bed and was awakened about five minutes later by two small people jumping on me. It turned out to be nine o’clock, but it felt like it was only five minutes later.

  Anyway, breakfast. And everyone in a happy, light-hearted mood. Including me. I felt – free. Murdo’s older sister came over with her grandchildren, and Murdo decided to take all the children on a tractor ride, and Jess and Janette went with them, and I had the distinct impression we were being conspired against. I turned to Matt who was hoovering down another couple of bacon rashers, and I said, “so how much did that cost you?”

  He turned huge innocent eyes on me. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Really?”

  “Really.”

  “So how was it that they didn’t even think of inviting us?”

  He was still doing the ‘who me?’ big-eyed innocent thing. But then he relented and said, “because I told them we would be busy.”

  I ignored the fluttering in me. Absolutely refused to let my mouth smile at him. I raised an eyebrow at him. “Really? And exactly what will we be busy doing?”

  He got to his feet and came round to my side of the table. He took my hands in his.

  “Well,” he said, “we’re going to go to some romantic spot that Jess may or may not have pointed out to me this morning, and that is where, following a certain amount of snogging and other prompting from me, you will make me a proposal of marriage and after a certain amount of pondering aided by further snogging and such, I will eventually but not reluctantly accept.”

  I looked at him. The baby kicked me. I said, a bit lamely, “I see.”

  He added, “the picnic is already packed, you just need to put on some sensible shoes.”

  So I did. And by ten thirty, having had my face practically snogged right off, I got tired of playing hard to get and said, “Matthew Hopkins, will you do me the honour of …” at which point the heavens opened and we grabbed our stuff and ran giggling hand-in-hand back to the car, with him yelling over his shoulder above the thunder and the sound of the rain, “yes, Cressida, I will marry you!”

  In the car we sat and talked. I told him about yesterday, how I had needed to spend some time thinking and talking to Thomas – wherever h
e was - and making my peace with him. Matt didn’t mind, he cuddled me, and stroked my baby belly and said soppy things. He told me he loved me! He said he would love me forever, and that we would always be together and that he couldn’t believe he had found someone wonderful with whom to share his life, not to mention his children.

  Can’t believe he thinks I’m wonderful!

  I said some pretty daft things myself. Best if we gloss over them. Then he said, “I’ve got a license, we can be married on Monday. If that’s okay? I mean, you don’t want a big white wedding do you?”

  I said nothing for a moment, just stared at him. He thumped himself on the side of the head. “Moron! Of course she does. You do, don’t you, you want a fancy wedding? I mean, you’re a fancy gal, I should have … I’m sorry, I just didn’t …”

  I leaned forward and smiled.

  “It’s fine.” I said, “something small and quiet would be best for me. Just the family.”

  “And my mum and dad, if that’s okay.” For a moment he sounded as anxious as Lill when Tetley doesn’t wolf down her usual quota of giblets, caviar and partridge.

  “They are our family.” I said. He relaxed. And began to tick it all off on his fingers.

  “Thank you. They’ll be here tomorrow. Henrietta and Mavis are looking after the cats. Mum and Dad are coming up with my sister and her family and my brother and his lot are coming separately. Your mum and sisters are coming over, they get here Saturday. So that will be everyone here. Jess and my mum are going shopping tomorrow for outfits for the children. Your mum is organising flowers. Murdo is going to give you away, if that’s okay. You need to get a frock I suppose, and we need a couple of rings. Oh, and we’ve already booked the little chapel on the estate for the wedding, and Jess is laying on a buffet at their place and everyone can stay if they want, either in the main house or in one of the lodges. I think that’s everything.”

  I know it sounds a bit high-handed of him to just have got everything organised without asking me for my opinion or input, but to be honest I was so relieved not to have to worry about any of it. The idea that pretty much all I had to do was turn up was an appealing one. I’d already had the full-on wedding experience with Thomas, so didn’t feel the need for all that fuss again. Was overwhelmed by how wonderful Matt was, and how thoughtful. Not to mention devious – all this planned and organised without me having the slightest suspicion! He is a crafty one, this Matt Hopkins.

  “That chapel is where we had the memorial service for Thomas,” I told him. He looked a bit worried again.

  “Ah. I’m sorry, I didn’t realise. In that case we could probably …”

  “No, it’s okay,” I told him, “I’m glad we’re going to be married there, it will seem quite fitting. And it’s very pretty.”

  And that was it. That evening we booked our honeymoon on the internet – a couple of weeks in Cannes – my choice – I need a bit of sun. The next few days flew by in a flurry of activity and frantic attempts to keep everyone happy and on friendly terms, and now – here we are, on the other side of the maelstrom, man and wife together for almost a day!

  We are spending our first proper night together tonight in one of the lodges – it’s nice to finally get a bit of peace and quiet. Then tomorrow, we will say our goodbyes to Scotland and Jess and Murdo, who have been AMAZING, and go back home for one night (the perils of doing everything at the last minute meant we had a one day delay in starting out honeymoon, but that doesn’t matter) then after one night at home, we will set off to Cannes for our honeymoon on Wednesday. I will desperately miss the children, but it feels wonderful! I am so happy and excited, and Matt seems to be the same! Phew!

  And, lest we forget ...

  ... Cannes is only a short drive from where Dirty Desmond is staying on the outskirts of Nice. Not that Matt knows anything about my special little ‘project’, obviously. But it is absolutely too good an opportunity to miss. Who knows when I will next be venturing to the south of France?

  It will be lovely to have everything neatly tied up in a little bow, so to speak, so that I can get down to the serious business of having a baby without all these other hassles hanging over me. I just want to put it all out of my mind now.

  Except Monica. She is a special case and will require quite a lot of consideration about the best way to tackle her.

  Tuesday 19 August – 9.45pm

  Arrived home a few minutes ago, and popped the children into bed fully clothed, they were sound asleep! It’s nice to be home but it’s only until tomorrow, then we’re off to the airport for the honeymoon!

  It’s a bit weird that Matt is here asleep next to me. Shame I can’t make him stay in his little room along the hall – I’ve got used to being on my own – I love being able to sprawl across the whole bed and not worry about thwacking someone else in the side of the head every time I turn over. Oh well, one must make sacrifices I suppose – LOL!

  Was a bit surprised that Matt’s sister came back to the house with us. I mean I know I’m not exactly a whizz at geography but surely we actually drove past Milton Keynes on our way from Scotland to here? Maybe she’s just spending a few days here with Lill and Sid before heading off home to her husband? He’s already headed home with the children. It’s a bit odd, surely???

  Am quite knackered actually with all the travelling and all the new marital business going on – not used to that either – and I keep catching myself thinking, that’s not how Thomas would do that – I do hope to God I don’t say anything out loud! I know it’s wrong to compare them but sometimes I just can’t help myself!

  Anyway.

  Fortunately our flight isn’t until the evening so I can get up at a sensible time, and then pack, and we can just sort of dawdle up to Heathrow. Sid – bless him – is perfectly happy to drive us up and come and collect us again in a fortnight – how lovely that they have worked out all the practicalities to save me bothering my poor little brain with it all!

  Which means I can just concentrate on having oodles of fun and missing the children like mad, and getting a bit of a tan, and of course, taking care of Desmond-the-evil-bastard. Hooray!

  In a way it’s such a shame all this has to be a huge secret from Matt as we are (obviously!) flying to Nice, then collecting our hire car and driving to Cannes, which will only take us about half an hour once we break free of the actual airport itself. I mean, it would be so nice if I could say to him once we get in the car, ‘oh, turn up here Darling and I’ll be back in a mo, keep the engine running,’ because it’s a bit of a drag to have to go from Nice to Cannes then have to come right back again a day or two later. At least it’s not very far and of course, I’ve saved all the directions in my ‘favourites’ bit of the Interweb browser. I absolutely adore the internet!

  Not that I’m going to be putting any messages on Facebook such as ‘smiley face’ OMG you’ll never guess what I’ve just done!!!’ That’s no doubt how the fifteen year olds get caught when they commit all their crimes. You know, when someone has dissed them in McDonald’s because they are wearing last week’s hat. And they think that’s cool?

  Anyway, beddy-byes, Matt is already snoring his head off!

  Wednesday 20 August – 2am

  It is absolutely gorgeous here. We arrived about an hour ago, and we have been up in the room, on the veranda looking at the view ever since. Matt is pleased with the place, he’s still a bit tired after the long drive down from Scotland, then the journey here, poor chap, but he perked right up when he saw our lovely hotel (very elegant, very high-end) and I think the room has really impressed him – the view is something else.

  We’ve just dumped our stuff and sat out here with a glass of cold beer, or fruit juice for me. When we reached our room, (view of the marina, gorgeous!) there were flowers everywhere, and a bucket of ice with a bottle of pretty decent champagne snuggled down into it, chockies on the pillows and red roses by the side of the bed, it was all absolutely lovely.

  It was harrowing saying
goodbye to the children, am frightened they don’t realise we will be coming back. What if they think they’ve been abandoned? I hope they’re not crying. I had a little weep on the plane when I started talking to Matt about bunging my Vogue into Lill’s hands and the fact that she didn’t seem to know what to do with it. What if she doesn’t read to Billy? Matt wasn’t cross with me for being silly. He just shook his head, wonderingly, and when I asked him why, he said he couldn’t believe how attached I was to his children. His children! Bloody cheek! Billy is mine! LOL. But you see, they are such wonderful children.

  He wants to go out to a bar and get some food. Will write tomorrow as too late now as I am knackered and later am likely to be busy appeasing new husband with sexual favours. You know what they’re like. Bless.

  Not sure when will be able to sneak of and do The Dastardly Deed.

  Oh, we’re going. NOW CRESSIDA the man says! LOL! Love it when he tries to be all masterful! He’s so sweet. Ah, the honeymoon phase! May it last forever.

  Thursday 21 August – 1.15am

  He’s asleep again! A couple of hours of making love and he’s ready for a nap!

  Spent all day wandering about enjoying the lovely beaches and marina and the shops – everything! Gorgeous here. Lovely dinner – absolutely loads of amazing food. The most divine lobster. Lots of fruit. Would have like some wine but no, He-who-must-(apparently, even though I didn’t say that bit in my vows)-be-obeyed says not even a little (in spite of my protest regarding recent research and the fact that they’ve now decided it’s suddenly okay to have a little alcohol now and again. I mean, if one can’t have a splash of bubbly when celebrating one’s nuptials when can one imbibe? Never mind – some freshly squeezed fruit, all very appealingly presented like a cocktail with massive umbrellas and stirrers and all sorts – divine! Nice people, the place was a wee bit quiet earlier but apparently that’s because a large group of guests had gone to one of the casinos in Monte for a special trip – someone’s birthday, I think.