Gloria’s Secret

by Robin Alexander

  I walked into the bar one morning where Iris and Adrienne sat talking over breakfast. “I quit.” I stood in front of them with my hands on my hips through the crutches.

  Adrienne smiled up at me already knowing what I meant, but Iris looked at me in question.

  “I’m going to quit smoking, and I’m going to need your help.”

  Adrienne stood and hugged me, and Iris threw back her head and laughed.

  “You don’t think I can do it?” I asked Iris indignantly.

  “Oh, I believe you can do it.” Iris still laughed. “But how many of us will die in the process?”

  “I was thinking about that. Maybe y’all should take me to the far end of the island and tie me to a tree for a few days. You’d have to use chains because I’ll gnaw through a rope.” I wasn’t joking.

  Adrienne pulled a chair out and I sat down, waiting to hear what she had to say.

  “You need to have a plan, Hayden.” Adrienne took my hand in hers. “I believe you’re serious about this, so I’ll support you in any way I can.”

  “Okay, where do we start?”

  Adrienne blew out a breath. “You need to give me all your cigarettes, even the ones you have stashed in the laundry cottage that you think I don’t know about.”

  “Can I keep one pack for emergencies?” I asked, feeling anxiety creeping up the back of my neck.

  “No, you need to let me have them all and I’ll help you wean yourself off of them.”

  “Oh, child, you are puttin’ yourself in front of a runaway train,” Iris said.

  I glared at Iris. “Maybe we should let her hold them so I can plow her ass over.”

  “Watch it, girlie, I still have the skillet.”

  “Focus, Hayden,” Adrienne said, drawing my attention back to her. “We can order stuff to help with the nicotine cravings. Shelby could probably even prescribe something.”

  “All right, here’s what I propose,” I said. “Let me have one pack to smoke the hell out of. I’ll give you the rest and tomorrow you can start weaning me off the nicotine tit.”

  Adrienne rolled her eyes at my choice of words. “Deal, but you give me all the cigarettes with the exception of one pack now.”

  I pulled a pack from my pocket and lit up, contemplating just what I’d gotten myself into. Adrienne could hear my thoughts; she would know if I tried to sneak off and smoke. I looked over at her and she nodded with a grin. I’d totally screwed myself.

  “I have a carton in the cottage, and two stashed in the laundry room,” I said.

  Adrienne raised a brow and looked at me.

  “Okay, and a carton in the Jeep for emergencies.”

  “Stay here,” Adrienne said and walked out.

  Iris looked over at me and grinned. “You’re doing the right ting by asking for help, but if you’re mean to my Adrienne, you get the skillet.”

  I was destined for the skillet treatment and I knew it. Just the thought of being without my miniature crutches was pissing me off already.

  Adrienne returned with the cartons and dropped them onto the table in front of us, and even though I had a cigarette in my hand, I looked at them longingly. “Are these all of them?” she asked, daring me to lie.

  “That’s all I have…had.”

  “One last time, love, are you committed to this?”

  “Yes,” I said, staring at over a hundred bucks worth of cigarettes.

  “I just wanted to make sure before I got rid of them,” Adrienne said as she picked up the boxes.

  “Wait a minute. What do you mean ‘get rid of them’? You’re supposed to be weaning me.”

  “Honey, it’s not going to take four cartons to accomplish that. I’ll keep a few packs, but that’s all.”

  “How…how are you gonna do it?” I asked, feeling like she was about to put Saber down.

  “I’m going to burn them.”

  “Burn them?” I looked to Iris for support, but she just shrugged. “But that’s so…permanent.”

  “Uh-huh,” Adrienne said. “We need to take you to Shelby for a checkup on your leg, so why don’t you get ready to go and I’ll be right back?”

  I was as ready as I was going to get. I stayed put and lit another cigarette, watching the smoke rise from it. “You were never my friend, but I’m sure gonna miss you,” I said sadly.

  Iris came around the table and gave me a pat on the back. “A day will come when you won’t miss those tings.”

  “I doubt it,” I mumbled under my breath as she walked into the kitchen.

  Adrienne returned as I finished my smoke. “Are you ready?”

  “Yeah,” I said, regretting my decision already.

  We climbed into the Jeep and headed out to the clinic. Adrienne reached over and put her hand on my leg after she’d shifted into the last gear. “We have guests coming next week. If you want to let me handle them alone, I’ll understand. Besides, being one-footed will make things difficult for you.”

  “It’s not fair to make you do all the work. I can manage to do some things, as long as they don’t involve water.”

  “Let’s see how you feel as their arrival draws closer. You may be suffering some withdrawals then and need some time to yourself.”

  I needed time to myself already. I wanted to break something even with nicotine coursing through my veins.

  “Time for a bootie,” Shelby said as she scooted back on her little rolling stool.

  “I’m getting out of the cast?”

  “Hold your horses, Monkey Chops. The cast stays on, but you can put some weight on that leg. When you feel strong enough, you can walk without the crutches.”

  “That just blows!”

  Shelby shot a glance at Adrienne after my outburst.

  “Hayden has decided to quit smoking,” Adrienne explained. “She’s a little edgy right now.”

  “Poor kid,” Shelby said with a compassionate look. “How long since your last cigarette?”

  “Twenty minutes.”

  Shelby laughed as she rolled her eyes. “You haven’t even begun withdrawals. Why are you so pissed?”

  “I’m in mourning.”

  “Was this your idea?” Shelby pulled her gloves off and washed her hands.

  “It was, but I don’t have to be happy about it.”

  “Are you going to go cold turkey or are you planning to taper off?”

  “Taper off, but I’ll be holding the cigarettes,” Adrienne said. “I’ll only give her one when she’s on the verge of insanity.”

  Shelby laughed as she dug through a cabinet. “She’s always on the ‘verge of insanity.’”

  “You may bite me now.”

  “I would, but I don’t eat bullshit,” Shelby teased. “And you, Hayden, are full of it.”

  Adrienne laughed and put her hand to her mouth, as she turned her back to me.

  “I’m going to give you some samples of some stuff that may help. I don’t get a lot of this stuff, so if you’re going to need more of it, you’ll have to tell me well before you run out. I’ll have to order it and it may take a while to get here.” Shelby sat back down on her stool and rolled to where I sat. “Don’t try these until Adrienne cuts you off completely.”

  “Thanks, Shelby, I’m sorry for being such an ass.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Monkey Chops. Half the battle will be fought right here,” she said and tapped me on the forehead. If you need someone to talk to, you know I’ll be around.”

  “Thank you,” Adrienne and I said in unison.

  “That applies to you, too, Adrienne,” Shelby said with a laugh.

  After I was given the bootie, Shelby sent us on our way. I looked down at the hideous boot covering my foot and groaned. “As Gloria used to say, ‘This is as ugly as pooting in church and laughing about it.’”

  Adrienne took her eyes from the road and glanced at my bootie with a grin. “It’s…not sexy, but on you, it works.”

  “Should I take that as a compliment?”

  �
�Nope, I’m just blowing smoke up your ass. That thing is hideous.”

  I had an anxiety attack the next day when I smoked the last cigarette in my pack. I’d dug through every place that might still hold a pack before I accepted my fate. Adrienne was keeping a close eye on me and kept assigning me tasks to keep my mind off the cravings that came almost immediately. I lasted four hours before anger really got me by the tail.

  I’d been staining some chairs that we’d gotten to replace some of the older ones in the bar. Nicotine had a way of slowing me down, but without it, I was hyper and moving at the speed of light. This in turn raised the probability of mistakes and my irritation. I knocked over the can of stain and became enraged. “You mother—”

  “Hayden!” Iris yelled before I dropped the F-bomb, which was a big no-no with her.

  “Of pearl?” I finished with a sheepish grin and a shrug.

  “Come take a break,” Adrienne said, taking pity on me. “I’m going to let you have a cigarette, but don’t expect another one until the morning.”

  I lit that bad boy up and sucked on it like a baby would its thumb. It brought great relief, but when I stubbed it out, I had to take a walk before everyone saw me break down in tears.

  The day our new guests arrived, I decided I didn’t like any of them and said as much when Adrienne sent me to a time-out. A banana tree was the recipient of my wrath. I waited until I was a good distance from the inn to commit murder. The carnage was gruesome, and when I was exhausted, I lay on the ground staring up at the sky, wondering how many banana trees we had on our property. If relief didn’t come soon, I’d have to wander into the jungles for more victims.

  Iris found me a little later, sitting amongst the leaves of my conquest, and whistled at the mess.

  “How’d you find me?” I asked as she took a seat on the ground next to me.

  “I heard your battle cry. I waited until the growling and cursing stopped. I figured it would be safe then.”

  I shrugged and shook my head. “I don’t know if I can do this. Don’t know if I really want to now.”

  “You do, you’re just going through the hard part.”

  I nodded, unwilling to discuss it any further. It made the cravings worse. “How do you feel about adopting Teddy?”

  Iris looked at me for a moment before answering. “I’ve raised my kids, and they’ve gone on with their own lives.” Iris tore at the banana leaf she was sitting on in contemplative silence. “I’ve got a place in my heart for the boy. The adjustment will be hard for us, but I’m willing to do what it takes.”

  “How long until we know if they’ve accepted the lease-to-purchase program?”

  Iris laughed at the analogy. She and Colie petitioned to become foster parents while the adoption process ran through the time-consuming channels.

  “We won’t know for another week or so, but just in case, we’ve started setting up a room for him.”

  I smiled at the prospect of having Teddy around full time. “He may turn out to be a fine handyman.”

  “He’ll be more than that if I have my way,” Iris said with a smile. “He’s going to college, then it will be his decision where he goes from there.”

  “Bullshit,” I said, earning a slap from Iris. “You and Colie will be involved in his decisions for as long as Teddy allows it.”

  “Listen to us,” Iris said with a chuckle. “We have all dis planned out. I hope we’re not doing it all for nothing.”

  Two weeks passed and there was still no news. We all tried not to consider it a bad sign, but each of us worried. The guests kept our minds occupied, but I was sent to time-out often when my temper flared. So on those days, I passed the time painting Teddy’s new room a medium taupe that would match whatever furnishings he favored.

  The following week, our guests left for home and the cigarette well ran dry, or so Adrienne said, but I had my doubts. She started me on the samples that Shelby gave us, a cocktail in a pill to help curtail my cravings and something for my mood. One minute I was giddy, the next sullen and angry. Shelby assured me that the side effects would pass. I hoped she was right.

  “Come take a ride with me,” Iris said when she found me one afternoon sizing up another banana tree. I climbed into the Jeep without question. Adrienne needed a break. We’d argued much of the morning, and I knew Iris was trying to help us both.

  She pulled onto the roadway without a word, and we rode in comfortable silence for a while. The fresh air was doing me good as long as I stayed out of the way of the hell bugs. When we turned onto the airstrip and parked, I noticed Bill’s plane on the tarmac.

  “Were we expecting something?” I asked, wondering what shipments Bill may have brought us from the mainland.

  “No. Come with me.”

  I followed Iris to the small plane where Bill was going over a checklist. His long ponytail, protruding from his ball cap, swished from side to side as he looked over his baby, as he liked to call it.

  “Picked a good day to hitch a ride,” he said when he noticed us. “I’m gonna be a while at Nassau. You’ll have plenty of time to shop.”

  “We’re going to Nassau?” I asked, looking down at my apparel. With no guests at the inn, I usually went bum, which meant shorts and an old T-shirt.

  “Who are you worried about impressin’, girlie?” Iris shot back as Bill helped her into the plane.

  Skinny as a rail and probably in his mid-fifties, Bill lifted me off the ground with ease and moved me into the plane. “I didn’t want you to try and climb,” he said.

  After we landed, Bill tossed Iris a set of keys. “She’s parked just on the other side of the hangar, be gentle.”

  The “she” he was referring to was a 1970 Ford pickup with three on the tree that would be our ride for the afternoon. I climbed in on the passenger’s side as the engine roared to life, and we made our way into town.

  “What are we shopping for?” I asked as Iris navigated the busy streets crowded with buses loaded with tourists.

  “A ring. I want to pick out something special for Colie.”

  “Aw, you big mush ball.”

  She grinned but didn’t take her eyes from the road.

  We were lucky enough to find a parking spot about two blocks from the jewelry store where a friend of Iris’s worked. She was patient with me as I made my way slowly up the crowded streets. A blast of cool air met us as we entered the store, and I entertained the idea of taking a nap in the seating area.

  “Well, hello, lovely,” an elegantly dressed woman said as she hugged Iris. “This must be Hayden.” She turned her eyes to me and offered her hand.

  “The one and only master of mischief,” Iris said with a wink. “Hayden, this is Cara Kenicott.”

  “Pleasure to meet you. I apologize for the way I’m dressed, Iris kidnapped me.”

  “It’s nice to meet you, as well, and you look fine,” Cara said with a light Bahamian accent and turned her attention back to Iris. “What are we looking for?”

  Iris followed her to the ring cases. “I’m not sure, but I’ll know when I see it.”

  Tray upon tray of rings was pulled from the cabinets, and Iris looked at each one. I lost interest on about the fourth tray and began roaming, only to be called back for my input. It took nearly an hour, but Iris finally chose the ring she wanted. A simple platinum band with a gold inlay.

  I’d been mulling over buying Adrienne a ring for a while. By the time Iris made her purchase, I’d talked myself into making one, as well.

  “Iris, clear your mind,” I whispered as Clara took Colie’s ring to the back to be polished. “We’ve got some more shopping to do.”

  Before I’d left Nassau, I’d bought rings, movies, pizza, and an armload of toys for Teddy. I thoroughly lived up to my reputation as an impulse shopper, which is why Adrienne seldom let me go alone.

  “Oh, my God, pizza,” Adrienne groaned as I laid the boxes on the table in front of her.

  “We’re going to have to warm it before—”<
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  Adrienne opened a box and grabbed a slice before I could finish my sentence. Her eyes rolled up in her head as she took a bite.

  I laughed at her as she chewed with a groan and took the rest to be warmed. I returned to the bar and pulled two beers from the refrigerator. Neither of us cared much for beer, except when it came to pizza. Adrienne took the icy bottle from my hand and took a sip, causing her to groan again.

  “Stop it, you’re turning me on.”

  “You jealous?” she asked with a wink.

  “Well, yes, nothing should make you groan like that but me.”

  “You might get your chance later,” Adrienne said with a saucy smile. “So where did you and Iris go today?”

  I didn’t want her to tap into my thoughts and find out about her surprise, so while I told her about Colie’s ring, I tried to think about doughnuts.

  “Let me check the pizza,” I said as I tried to stand.

  Adrienne put her hand on my shoulder and pushed me back down. “I’ll get it, stay here.” She headed off toward the kitchen, then turned on one heel. “Did you have doughnuts today?”

  “I’m not going to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

  She laughed and disappeared into the kitchen while I breathed a sigh of relief.

  After we’d eaten our fill of the cheesy delight, Adrienne had me on my feet for a walk. She said it was to strengthen my leg, but I think she was worried about the pounds I was sure to pack on. Since I’d stopped smoking, I was eating everything in sight. Adrienne would encourage me to eat fruit, but when she wasn’t around, I was bellied up to the pastries that Iris cooked. Adrienne knew that if I began to gain weight, I’d use it as a reason to go back to my old habit.

  “Know what I miss?” she asked as we walked along the paths. “Our moonlit strolls on the beach.”

  I missed our spur-of-the-moment lovemaking encounters that were usually provoked by those strolls on the beach. “Me too, and I miss those steamy times we shared on that out cropping of rocks when we couldn’t waste time on going back to the cottage.”

  Adrienne chuckled and rubbed my lower back as I maneuvered alongside her. “Our love nest left us both bruised and scraped up. Maybe it’s a good thing we can’t go back there right now.”