The Hidden Years

by Susan Kearney

Cassidy put her arm around his waist. His warmth and hardness and strength made her feel safe. Yet she didn’t want to feel safe. She didn’t want comfort. She wanted to push Jake into kissing her again, but she wasn’t sure how. Somehow she had to break through the shell he’d built so carefully around himself. She wondered if he even knew it was there.

  “Jake?”

  “Mmm?”

  Cassidy decided to take a chance. She knew she might inadvertently push him away, but ignoring whatever he was brooding over was no way to solve a problem. “Have you ever been in love?”

  Jake’s only answer was a shrug. Then he asked, “What about you?”

  “I’m not closed to the possibility.”

  “You just haven’t found the right guy?”

  “It takes more than just the right guy. The timing has to be right.”

  “Sunshine, you’re a real piece of work.”

  At his mocking endearment, she’d had enough. Without thinking, she planted her palms on Jake’s chest and shoved. She took him by surprise, and he stumbled backward into the spring, landing on his backside with a loud splash.

  She’d moved the mountain.

  In the moonlight the astonished expression on his face was priceless. She’d treasure it forever. She started to laugh. And that was her mistake. In one second Jake’s hand snaked out and pulled her into the spring with him.

  She didn’t care that she was now soaking wet. Tilting her head back, she looked at Jake. Although he was trying to keep a stern expression, she glimpsed amusement in his eyes.

  His hands clasped her waist and he growled in her ear. “So you want to play rough, do you?”

  His fingers found the ticklish spot between her ribs, and she splashed to get away. Jake blocked her way onto the bank, so she stood up, did a shallow racing dive and swam for the other side of the spring.

  Jake caught her ankle before she’d made it ten feet. Breathless, she spun around and he dunked her. Cassidy went with his force, grasped his foot and yanked him down with her. They both surfaced, gasping for air.

  While she treaded water, his taller height put him at an advantage. His feet still reached the bottom, and he reeled her in like a struggling mermaid. Cassidy threw her arms around his neck, and in a flash, Jake’s demeanor changed from playful to serious. “Are you mad at me, Sunshine?”

  Yes. “A little.”

  “Mind telling me why?” His voice was mild, almost deceptively so, for she heard the edge of steel underneath.

  “You keep giving me mixed signals.” She braced her hands on his shoulders and floated. “One moment you share your thoughts and feelings, and the next…you cut me out.”

  “I have my reasons.”

  “Ones you won’t share.” When he remained silent, she pulled back, floating free of him. “Tell me something, Jake. Who are you fighting here? Me? Or yourself?”

  When he still remained silent, she sighed and took a stab at guessing his secret. “Whoever she was, she must have hurt you badly.”

  “What are you talking about?” he growled. “There is no other woman.” He reached for her then and drew her gently back into his arms. “There’s only been you, Sunshine.”

  “Me?” She wished the moon hadn’t just hidden behind a cloud. She wanted to see his face better. “We were never…We were just…friends.”

  “That was all you wanted to believe,” he told her softly.

  And suddenly it hit her.

  Jake had wanted more than she’d known.

  Jake hadn’t considered her just a friend.

  Shock made her heart race. Jake must have loved her. A long time ago he must have loved her, or he wouldn’t still be wounded.

  She had been the woman who’d hurt him because she’d never given him anything but her friendship. She winced as memories flooded back. She hadn’t even been a very good friend. After she’d left for college and law school, she’d been so busy she’d let contact with him lapse. During summer vacations, she’d clerked for lawyers out west. On the rare occasions she’d come home, her father had always planned special trips for the two of them.

  And Jake…she’d left him behind.

  If Jake had grown up in a regular family with loving parents and siblings, her leaving might not have hurt him. But even back then, she might not have consciously thought about their friendship or analyzed it, but she’d known Jake’s intensity, the way he felt about her. While she’d had other friends and dated other boys, to Jake, their relationship had been anything but casual.

  And maybe that was why she’d heeded her own dream and headed to college. Jake’s intensity had scared her. It scared her still. He hadn’t been the kind of kid to steal a few kisses and see where they led.

  Jake always had a plan for the future. Spontaneity wasn’t in his vocabulary. She supposed he’d been forced to live that way to survive.

  “I’m sorry, Jake.”

  “For what?”

  “Not being a good enough friend. Not being what you wanted.”

  “Oh, I wanted you, Sunshine.”

  She noticed they were talking in the past tense. Why didn’t she want to think about the future? Because it scared her. Did she live for the moment because her mother had died before any of her goals had been fulfilled? Cassidy wondered when she would grow past the fear and think about tomorrow.

  She really wasn’t sure what Jake thought about her now. When he kissed her, the attraction between them sizzled. But that was lust. She knew instinctively that Jake didn’t just want to make love. He wanted her to love him.

  Maybe she’d been wise to leave without looking back ten years ago. Maybe that was what she should do now. Swim away. Go home.

  Could she go home now? She didn’t think of Jake as just a friend anymore. Did she want to keep enjoying life in a string of moments, or did she want to take a chance and look to tomorrow for love? As she looked at Jake, saw the intensity in his eyes, the determination in the set of his jaw, confusion almost overwhelmed her. She honestly didn’t know what she wanted. But she did know she couldn’t go home.

  Someone would be waiting for her there. Someone who might very well kill her.

  Chapter Nine

  Jake damned himself for telling Cassidy the truth. He should have kept his mouth shut. But she had him feeling things that confused him. How could he think when she floated into his arms and looked at him with those earnest eyes?

  When her teeth started to chatter, he began swimming. “Race you to the other side.”

  He swam, staying beside her, his thoughts churning harder than his arms. Cassidy was a strong swimmer, but he wasn’t about to leave her behind in the dark.

  He figured he’d frightened her away from any further intimacies for the night. But he should have known better. While the race across the spring had just given his swirling thoughts more time to spin, Cassidy seemingly had no such difficulties.

  She waited for him to stand, then planted her palms on his chest as she had before. “I want to kiss you again.”

  He held perfectly still. “I didn’t scare you off?”

  “If that’s what you intended, you failed. I can’t make any promises. But I want…”

  “What?”

  “I don’t know.” She tossed her wet hair from her face. “I want us to take a chance. To see where we can go. Together.”

  She wanted him to trust her, and he didn’t know if he could. She wanted them to go forward, without planning, without a safety net, without hesitation.

  He was sure Cassidy hadn’t considered the future. And when they finally went their own ways, there would be consequences to their actions.

  She had more courage than he, a willingness to just accept the present without worrying about the future. But he wasn’t made that way. He should just turn away, take the safer path. But in the moonlight, her lips glistened with promise, irresistibly drawing his head downward.

  Somehow she had overcome his resistance to her, enabling him to kiss her with a freedom he’
d never before known. It felt so good to let down his guard, not to think or plan or worry, to just feel. Feel her gossamer lips respond to his, feel her arms wind around his neck, her fingers intertwine in his hair, pulling him close.

  She let out a tiny moan of desire, and the sound arrowed straight to his core, making him burn. Cassidy’s kiss was like a magical potion that freed him from his past, made the future hazy and the present wonderful. He couldn’t get enough of her.

  Jake pressed her to him, letting her feel his hardness, letting her know how much he wanted her. He’d been so sure he could keep his feelings under control, but now he didn’t know if he’d succeed. Cassidy had a way of overwhelming his nervous system. He couldn’t copy the out-of-control, let’s-do-what-we-want-and-damn-the-consequences perspective that other men seemed to adopt so easily.

  He didn’t want to make love to her and then miss her so badly that he’d be haunted by memories of this night for the rest of his life. Better not to know how good it could be. Better not to fall for her again. He had to back out while he still could.

  Summoning up the inner strength to push away what he wanted most, he broke free of her embrace.

  “Jake?” she whispered huskily.

  He uttered the first excuse that came to mind. “I don’t want you to catch cold.”

  “Cold?” She spit the word at him as if he’d uttered the worst of insults. “The only thing cold around here is you.”

  Jake let her swim away from him and watched her walk to the cabin. Talking only made things worse. But then, so did kissing her. He’d almost peeled off her wet clothes and made love to her right in the spring.

  He had to be an idiot to refuse what she’d offered, but he couldn’t bear to take her and then lose her again. Being with her twenty-four hours a day, sleeping under the same roof at night, was wearing down his resistance.

  To work off the sexual energy, Jake swam laps back and forth across the spring. He gave Cassidy time to shower, go to bed and fall asleep before he finally exited the water. Stiff, bone weary, emotionally spent, he walked to the dark cabin.

  Cassidy hadn’t even left the porch light on.

  He supposed he deserved her anger. He had no business kissing her, then pulling back. Yet he couldn’t seem to help himself.

  Jake knew he had to do better. The last thing he’d wanted was to hurt Cassidy. And he had hurt her. He stood under the hot shower until the water turned cool. He’d certainly made a mess of things.

  Tomorrow he would apologize and do better.

  “I NEED TO PHONE Harrison,” Jake told Cassidy over breakfast the next morning.

  She nodded. She still didn’t trust herself to speak to Jake without cursing him. How dare he treat her like a lover one moment, a stranger the next? Didn’t the man have any respect for her feelings? Did he think he could just snap his fingers, do whatever he damned well pleased, and she would accept it?

  Oh, he’d apologized prettily enough, but she’d given him her stiff back. They weren’t children. If he didn’t want her, fine. But at least have the decency not to toy with her. Why had he kissed her like that if he didn’t want to make love to her?

  Maybe he can’t help himself.

  Sure, he can’t stop himself from kissing me, but he can stop himself from making love.

  You’re expecting him to be rational.

  So?

  You’re expecting him to think like we do.

  So?

  He’s a man.

  Duh!

  And he’s confused.

  “He’s not the only one.”

  “Talking to yourself again?” Jake asked with a cocked eyebrow.

  “It beats the alternative.”

  “You mean talking to me?” Jake washed his empty cereal bowl in the sink, then set it to drain before turning to her.

  Cassidy didn’t answer. Instead, she packed her toilet articles, thrusting yesterday’s clothes into her backpack without taking the time to fold them.

  “You can’t ignore me all day, Sunshine.”

  She could, but it would be childish of her. “Fine. Why do we need to call Harrison? Every time we do, those guys out there catch up with us.”

  “I’ve been thinking about it.” Jake unlocked the car doors and they both climbed in. He waited until she’d fastened her seat belt before continuing. “The bad guys may have staked out the alumni Internet site on the Web.”

  “Huh?”

  “We have to assume they know we went to the fraternity house and asked questions. If we pull a name and address off the site, they may be able to trace our hit.”

  “Can we hide our search?”

  “Not really. Every computer leaves a signature. And if we use a different computer, they’ll still know it’s us.”

  “How?”

  “Not many people will be searching out university alumni from thirty years ago. If we hit the site, they’ll assume it’s us no matter which computer we use.”

  She stared at the road straight ahead, wondering where they were headed next. “So what do we do?”

  “We pull off every fraternity name for every year they’ve had members. We hit the local registry. Every member in the national registry.”

  “There’ll be so many hits, they won’t know which old friend of Michael Scott’s we’re really after?”

  “That’s the idea. I should warn you, the deception probably won’t work. By now our pursuers have talked to the same people in the fraternity house as we have. They know we’re looking for Michael’s friends and still might reach them before we do. And we need to trade cars again.”

  The conversation had been terse, with little byplay between them. No pats of encouragement. No nicknames. She had kept her voice even and businesslike, and he had done the same.

  And yet there was a tension between them that hadn’t been cleared. A tension Cassidy had no idea how to fix. Maybe she didn’t need to fix it. After all, if she stayed mad, there would be no more frustrating kisses, no more wondering where she stood with Jake. No more wondering about whether she had the courage to make him part of her future.

  She kept her thoughts to herself as Jake swapped cars and called Harrison. When Jake returned with a list of names and addresses and handed them to her, she scanned the meager list. “I thought about twenty young men lived in the fraternity house each year.”

  “Those five men are the only ones from thirty years ago who’ve kept their names and addresses current in the alumni register. Harrison is still searching for addresses on the others. Where do you want to start?”

  “Are we going to call first?”

  Jake considered her question as he rubbed his chin. “It would be more convenient if we called. Otherwise we could cross the state and they might not be in.”

  Cassidy looked at the short list. “The man Doc mentioned who was a friend of your dad’s, Blake Saunders, is on the list, and he lives just a bit north of here in Jacksonville.”

  “Blake was a friend of Michael Scott’s. We still don’t know for sure if Michael Scott and the man I remember as Steven Cochran are the same person.”

  “But since Blake knew Michael, maybe he could fill us in.”

  Jake pulled off the highway at the next rest area and used a pay phone to call. He returned and gave her a thumbs-up. “Blake’s wife says her husband should be home by six. She invited us for dinner.”

  “But we’re strangers.”

  “Maybe they knew my folks.”

  Cassidy wasn’t sure if Jake was pleased because they’d made contact with someone who might have known his father or because they’d been invited to dinner. After the stiff conversation between them all day, he probably looked forward to being in the company of others.

  Jake was pushing her away again. And maybe that was for the best. She didn’t need to become involved with a man who didn’t know his own mind. Or one with so many problems and blanks in his past. Still, when she looked at Jake’s handsome profile as he drove, she wondered if he real
ly felt as cool toward her as he’d been acting all day.

  BLAKE SAUNDERS LIVED on the intracoastal waterway at Jacksonville Beach. The northern coast of Florida seemed just as warm and humid as the middle region they’d left yesterday. The sun had yet to set and sparkled over the Saunderses’ house and out onto the waters beyond. Just twenty yards past their screened pool, barges, sailboats and tugs made their way north and south. A few foolish kids jumped the tug’s wake on wake boards.

  Although Jake found the view interesting and relaxing and Patty Saunders a fine hostess, he shifted uncomfortably on the patio chair as he sipped his gin and tonic. Patty had said Blake would be home by six, and it was already half past the hour. Jake was checking his watch every two or three minutes. He kept telling himself that if Blake had been delayed, it couldn’t be for a reason attached to their visit.

  Jake hadn’t spotted a tail. He’d swapped the car for another after hitting Orange Park, a little town just south of Jacksonville. Maybe it was his disagreement with Cassidy that had him edgy.

  Jake wasn’t comfortable with her anger. Especially since she had every right to be angry with him. Even now as she chatted with Patty Saunders, Cassidy treated him coldly. No more shared glances. No touching. No idle chatter.

  He should have been pleased. He’d gotten what he wanted. All his feelings were again closed tight in the box. He was back in control. And miserable.

  His apology hadn’t fixed things between them, and he wasn’t sure what would. Sometimes one couldn’t go backward in life, no matter how much one wished to. Right now, he didn’t know if they could go forward, either.

  Jake’s thoughts were interrupted when Blake Saunders pulled up to the dock in his fishing boat. After he secured the lines, Saunders nimbly leaped onto the dock and strode toward them, his smile and weathered blue eyes pleasant.

  After introductions, Blake sipped his own gin and tonic while Jake took out the pictures he’d found among his mother’s things.

  When Blake peered at the photo, recognition leaped in his eyes. He pointed to the photo of the man with his arm around the woman. “That’s Michael Scott and Mary Lou Ellis. They were going to marry right after graduation.”