Crazy, Undercover, Love

by Nikki Moore

  ‘Good night.’ It gives me overwhelming satisfaction to slam the door in his face.

  Stumbling across the room, I throw myself on the bed. ‘You bloody idiot,’ I mutter at myself. ‘What the hell were you thinking? Remember why you’re here!’ Crawling under the covers, I can’t stop the memories flooding in.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Then

  As I lurch into the flat after being suspended, dazed and dizzy, I feel like part of me has died. The fear sets in alongside the shameful humiliation. I slouch on the sofa and give into it for endless hours while Jess is at work, staring dry-eyed at the wall, unable to compute what’s happened.

  When I realise I’m shaking with cold, shock and hunger I make myself move. Showering and pulling on a pair of jeans and a vest top, I force some soup down and call our Human Resources department, getting a copy of every relevant policy I can think of emailed to me. Poring through them, I highlight paragraphs and make notes. Drinking strong, black coffee and pinning my hair back, I drag my disordered thoughts together and am interrupted only by one of the security guards arriving with my stuff.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say brightly, looking him straight in the eye. I won’t be pitied, or act like someone who’s already lost. ‘I appreciate it.’

  ‘No problem,’ the man – one of Baz’s new recruits, Ian – gives me a quizzical smile and I wonder if I look a little manic. ‘Baz said it was important to get this to you,’ he prompts nosily.

  ‘It is. Thank you. Bye.’ I slide my diary, files and notepads from his grasp and wait until he’s trotted down the stairs before bumping the door closed with my hip. As I do, a piece of paper flutters to the floor and I sweep it up. The tears threatening all day finally spill over as I read the note.

  Whatever it is, we’re all rooting for you.

  I let go for a few minutes then wipe the tears away and march into the kitchen where I’ve set up camp at the table. If they’re rooting for me I’d better get on with it.

  Some time later, Jess slams in. ‘What the hell is going on?’ She throws her bag into the corner, stripping her coat off.

  ‘Huh?’ I look up from my diary, where I’ve been backtracking all the times Tony has said or done anything inappropriate over the last few months, to write up a chronological sequence of events for the disciplinary investigation. It feels good to be doing something meaningful, taking control.

  ‘I called the casino on my way home to see how you got on with sorting out Tony and they said you left this morning.’ She sets her hands on her hips, temper written across her face. ‘Then Kitty took me aside. Is it true?’

  ‘What?’ Sitting back in my chair.

  ‘You’ve been suspended?’

  ‘She shouldn’t have told you that.’

  ‘She’s your friend as well as your colleague, and as if you wouldn’t have told me.’

  ‘Of course I would, but I wanted to tell you myself! Sorry.’ Sucking in a breath: ‘I didn’t see any point in ruining your day too, so I was waiting for you to get home. That b—’

  ‘Bastard Tony,’ she finishes. ‘Yes. What did he do?’

  ‘He’s accused me of sexual harassment—’

  ‘He wishes! The little—’

  ‘And bullying.’ I rise to get fresh coffee started. ‘They’re taking it seriously. So I’m suspended until they’ve investigated and decided on an outcome.’

  ‘Which will be that he’s talking a load of crap.’ She drops her hands from her hips and shakes her head. ‘I don’t know how you can be so calm.’

  ‘I wasn’t.’ Handing her a chocolate biscuit from our heart-shaped tin: ‘When I got home I was a total mess. Had a bit of a meltdown, then got it together.’ Spooning sugar into her favourite mug, I pour hot water in and stir. ‘I’m calmer now because I’m doing something about it. And I know it will be okay. Because they know me. And because I didn’t do anything and he has no proof that I did.’

  Thrusting the mug at her, as I say it I truly believe it.

  ‘What?’ I cry.

  A young mum with a baby in a pushchair swerves sharply to avoid me, the crazed-looking redhead. ‘What?’ I repeat, moving off the path to sit down on the crisp green grass. ‘And people believe him?’

  I’ve escaped to the leafy surroundings of Hyde Park. After two days in the flat getting my paperwork in order and waiting for an invite to a disciplinary interview, the walls have started closing in on me. I’m worried about running into someone from work, in case they ask me questions, or worse, avoid me out of awkwardness, but I can’t take it any more. Besides, if I’m as innocent as I keep telling myself, hiding away will only make people think I have a reason to be ashamed. I can’t let anyone doubt me.

  ‘People who know you don’t,’ Kitty answers gruffly in my ear.

  ‘He has no right to say anything to anyone. This is all confidential. And what about people who don’t know me?’

  ‘Look, people always kind of think stuff goes on between bosses and their PAs. Just because it’s the other way around doesn’t mean they won’t buy into it. How many films and books have you read about office romances? And you and Tony work closely together, you’re stunning, and some people, not me, think he’s not bad looking, in a blond chinless kind of way. It wouldn’t be impossible you’d be involved.’

  I close my eyes, chest tightening. ‘Yes, but that I’d try and force him? That I’d bully him? This isn’t Indecent Exposure!’ I grab a handful of grass and hold onto it. ‘I’m demanding as a boss, ask for loyalty and dedication, but I’m not like that.’

  Kitty clears her throat. ‘I know. Look, I have to go in a minute. I’m calling from work and the place is crawling, two guys I’ve never seen before and some woman from HR.’ She hesitates. ‘I’m saying the next bit as a friend and as someone who believes you. You have to realise it doesn’t look good. You’re gone and he’s still here, so he can say what he wants.’

  ‘Well I’ll be putting a stop to that,’ I say bitterly, clenching and unclenching my fingers in the grass ‘HR are going to get it in the neck for letting him talk about any of this.’

  ‘I don’t blame you. But it might already be too late.’

  I’m sure my heart stutters. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Shit, Charley,’ she says feelingly. ‘It’s not just here they’re talking about it. I had a call from Suzie at the Manchester site about an hour ago, and then Josh got a call from Aaron in Brighton. They’ve all heard about it. And then I got a text from my cousin Mel, who works at that investment bank in Canary Wharf. There’s a bit of a buzz going round. She recognised your name.’

  ‘Oh, God. Oh no.’ I slump forward, forehead pressed against knees, tears leaking from the corner of my eyes. Years of my life, of tough grind, and my professional reputation, any hope of furthering a career in the City, all down the drain. Even if at some point it’s proved I’m telling the truth, my name will be tainted. People will always think Oh yeah, isn’t that the girl who … ? And even if they believe I didn’t harass or bully him, there’ll be those who wonder if an affair gone wrong was the root of the accusations.

  ‘This is so unfair,’ I explode, ‘It’ll be across the whole city in nanoseconds. I kept saying no. I told him to back off.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Kitty murmurs, voice quickening. ‘You know we all respect you.’

  ‘Yeah.’ I smile weakly as I think of the note from Baz. We’re all rooting for you. ‘I know.’

  ‘I’ll be a witness if you want,’ she offers, ‘I can tell them—’

  ‘That you never saw anything? That no one did? He was careful, Kitty. He never did anything when anyone was around.’ Letting go of the grass, I pull at the hem of my Asian-patterned maxi-dress. It’s sunny today and my skin is warm, yet I’ve never felt colder inside. ‘Thank you for the offer, really. For the show of solidarity, but there’s no point in anyone else getting dragged through the process. And we shouldn’t even be talking about this. It could get me in trouble.’

&nb
sp; ‘I could give a character reference. Say what an amazing manager you are—’

  ‘And he’ll just say we’re friends as well as co-workers. Please. I’ll be fine,’ I say briskly. ‘You all need to get on with things, pretend I’m still there and ordering you around.’

  ‘Okay, I get it. But rest assured, that pig won’t get an easy ride from us.’

  ‘That’ll just give him extra ammunition that “bullying” towards him is widespread, and land you in it too. Don’t give him that. Just be polite and professional, all right? I’m still your boss, so that’s an order!’

  ‘Yes, boss. I hear you.’

  ‘Good,’ I say softly. ‘Thanks for the call. Now, get back to work.’

  ‘Take care of yourself. Hope to see you soon.’

  ‘You too.’ You have no idea how much. Ending the call, I lie down on the grass, seething.

  The disciplinary interview three days later initially goes well. The appointed investigator, Mitchell, an American senior manager from one of the southern casinos, listens as I tell him my view, staying calm but getting my point across. I detail the events that unfolded, my responses, and utterly deny all allegations of either sexual harassment or bullying. I answer all his questions honestly and pray the sincerity shines from my eyes.

  But one thing becomes abundantly clear during the interview. As much as I wrote down what was happening and how I handled the matter, I can’t prove it’s what happened. My phone conversation with HR for advice was anonymous – and I curse myself for my pride, because at least I’d be able to show I was having problems with him if I’d given my name – and my only notes are in my diary, which as Mitchell points out, I could have written at any time.

  ‘How do you explain them being in different coloured pens?’ I say, losing my cool.

  ‘I take your point,’ he remarks, ‘but you could still do that retrospectively.’ Pushing a sheet of paper towards me, ‘Now can you comment on this please?’

  Casting my eyes over the list of times and dates: ‘What is this?’

  ‘A call log from HR. A record of durations of phone calls between Mr Ferrier and HR Advisers.’

  I flinch. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘This,’ he slides a bundle of paper-clipped pages over, ‘is a rough transcript of file notes of those conversations. Taken in real time, with dates on them. Mr Ferrier has agreed these can be shared with you for the purposes of the investigation.’

  ‘I bet he has,’ I hiss, flipping through them. The bastard. Every time we had a run-in, any time I gave him advice to leave it alone, he called HR. Five conversations in which he names himself and states his manager’s behaviour is stressing him out, that she’s making him uncomfortable, that she’s making unreasonable requests and advances. That he doesn’t know what to do because he doesn’t want to lose his job.

  Shoulders slumping, I look at Mitchell. ‘What do you expect me to say? It’s all lies.’

  But it’s tangible evidence, I know that.

  ‘Is that your formal response?’ Mitchell scrawls something in his notepad.

  ‘I suppose so,’ I whisper, pole-axed. Tony planned this. He made sure he had a back-up plan. Right down to looking so concerned after the evening he put his hands on me in the file room. Bruised me. He apologised so I’d calm down, not call someone right away. So he could get to them first. He played me. I just don’t know why. Because I rejected him?

  ‘It looks like we’re done for today,’ Mitchell says. ‘Unless you have any questions or anything further to add. Do you want me to run through what happens next?’

  ‘No,’ I say numbly, lips tingling. ‘I know what the options are.’ Action or no action. Back to work or disciplinary hearing. And after this I have a horrible feeling which one it’ll be.

  The investigator sees me out. If it’s any consolation, he looks sympathetic. Not that sympathy will make any difference to the outcome. He will have to make a recommendation based on what the facts appear to tell him.

  And nine days later I have my answer, darting out of a three-hour disciplinary hearing holding my hand over my mouth as I barrel into the back of the first taxi I can hail. Holding it together in the meeting room cost me, jaw clenched to stop from crying out, only able to nod my understanding of the outcome.

  On the balance of probabilities it is reasonable for the panel to form a view that something untoward occurred and the allegations are therefore proven. Given your position in the company and the breach of trust and confidence in the contractual relationship, our decision is to summarily dismiss you without notice. A letter detailing the outcome and your right of appeal will be sent to you within five working days.

  It was awful. The death of hope. But worse was Tony’s smirk at me when no one was looking. What the hell have I done to him to make him go this far?

  My P45 arrives a week later but I ignore it, too busy lodging an appeal against the decision. I can’t say the process was unfair but I put a letter together stating I’ve done nothing untoward, and although I can see that Tony has more evidence than I do, I have a previously clear disciplinary record and a reputation for being a fair manager within the company. Plus no one actually saw or heard me do anything to him, so how can they prove I did? Sending my appeal grounds off, I wait for the invitation to the appeal hearing.

  It’s worse than the first hearing. There’s no new evidence and the appeal panel simply review the original panel’s decision based on the information to hand … and then Tony gets teary, exclaiming how much this has affected him, how mortifying it’s been to reveal he’s been harassed by a woman senior to him, how he’s had to seek counselling for depression.

  ‘What?’ I spring out of my chair. ‘This is ridiculous!’

  Tony flinches away, gripping the edge of the table and keeping his eyes downcast as if too scared to look at me.

  Everyone on the panel – two men and a woman, strangers – and others in the room glare in disgust at my outburst and its apparent impact on their quaking employee.

  I can feel what’s coming. Tears scorch my eyes and my neck goes hot and itchy. I won’t give him the satisfaction of crying in front of everyone.

  ‘Apologies,’ I announce. ‘But I think I’m done. Obviously nothing I say will matter when I’m contending with this,’ pointing at Tony’s theatrics. ‘And I won’t sink that far.’ I stare at the panel members in turn and none of them look away, they’re so sure I’ve done wrong. ‘I understand the facts appear to say one thing, but if you knew me, how passionate I am about the company and what I’ve given over the years, and if you could see through him,’ I gesture at Tony with my chin, ‘you’d know the truth would speak another. Thank you all for your time.’

  Spinning on my black stilettos, I tug my suit jacket down, eyes burning as I fling the door open. Launching myself down the corridor, only a firm hand on my arm stops me breaking into a run.

  ‘Wait.’

  ‘What?’

  Mitchell, the investigator, at the hearing to answer the panel's questions, looks down at me. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘You were credible. I never said you were lying when I presented the case. Just that the evidence against you was stronger.’

  ‘What good is that? It doesn’t change anything.’ My face screws up. ‘Doesn’t change what I’ve lost.’

  ‘I wanted you to know.’ He checks the door behind him. ‘I have to investigate the facts, and present them as I find them.’ He looks torn, brown hair neatly combed down, tie perfectly straight, but fingers of both hands rubbing anxiously together.

  I soften minutely. He’s making sense. ‘I know. But as I said, it means nothing now.’ My nose tingles. Tears aren’t far off. ‘Goodbye.’

  ‘I work for the company. I’m in a tight spot,’ his voice follows me as I exit into the stairwell.

  Not as tight as the spot I’m in, I think, erupting into sobs as I clatter down the stairs, barely able to believe how my career with Ionian Casinos i
s ending.

  Securing proper work after that’s impossible. Raising a tribunal claim doesn’t help, because word gets back to Tony and he and his friends call all the reputable agencies and main employers in central London, telling them I was fired for gross misconduct and the reasons why. It’s clear he wants me gone and forgotten, but I can’t let it go without one last try, if for nothing more than the reason he could do this again and wreck someone else’s life. So I lodge the claim, pay my fee and wait for my day in court, if it gets that far.

  But in the meantime the job search is lousy. The most recent reference I can provide has dismissed for GM under Reason for Leaving and it’s not one employers look for in prospective employees. So I stop using it, and my failure to provide a current satisfactory reference is the killer. It’s competitive enough in the recession, with the labour market so buoyant with redundant people, that without a reference my chances are slim, if not downright skinny.

  After a month I start leaving the years at the casino off applications, writing that I was unemployed, but then I don’t have the experience required to show I’m suitable for the jobs I want. Desperate, I take cash-in-hand gigs, dropping off leaflets, delivering food for shabby takeaways, pulling the night shift and trudging into the flat at 3.00 a.m. It’s soul-destroying, and salary-wise nowhere near what I’ve been on. Some days I can barely scrape myself off the mattress I feel so down. I fall behind with bills, which isn’t an issue at first, juggling things around, making minimum payments to credit cards, slicing out luxuries like the gym, turning down invitations to night outs. Still, it only takes two months before things get sticky financially. And during that time, when it's clear conciliation isn't a possibility, the tribunal service write to me, telling me my case will be heard but that the other side have requested a postponement to prepare their case, which has been granted. While it gives me more time to prepare too, it also means more waiting. There’s only so long I can hang on for, and one day in a fit of despair I hit on the idea of registering with agencies under a different name, using the internal reference John wrote for me when I applied for his job. Removing the reference from the company letterhead and putting it on a blank sheet of paper with his personal address on, I know there’s little risk of them contacting him, because he and his wife spend their time abroad on cruises. The deception feels wrong but it’s necessary.