by Drew Sera
“Well, are you going for a soft look or a hard look?” Sydney asked him. Anthony held both ties back up and looked them over again.
“I’m going for whatever tie you like.”
“The black one.”
“Black it is, sunshine.”
He was so into her and it made me smile. Someone finally turned Anthony inside out, and he was head over heels in love with the woman. It just so happens I felt the same over the same woman. He and I were best friends and business partners and wanted nothing more than to give this young woman the world. Plus, she was submissive and loved us. Collaring her just makes sense. I continued to justify my desires while I finished getting dressed.
I put my watch on and assessed where everyone was at time wise. Sydney was dressed and ready so I sent her downstairs to start a light breakfast. Once I heard the pantry door in the kitchen I got Anthony’s attention while he was putting on his shoes.
“Hey, I haven’t had the chance to tell you that I was impressed with what you did with Sydney Saturday night.”
“We did it, Col. I wouldn’t have dared to try that without you.”
I grinned as he headed out of the room. Anthony is always trying to minimize his accomplishments with Sydney.
Sydney and Anthony were carrying on in a playful tone when I walked into the kitchen. Sydney eagerly sat up straighter and had a huge cheesy grin on her face. Fuck, she made so happy. Just seeing her smile and happy made me feel so good. My trip to the coffee pot derailed and I immediately went to wrap my arms around her. I was glad she was smiling inside of an hour before we go see Chris.
“What has you grinning ear to ear, baby?”
Anthony was leaning against the breakfast bar sipping coffee and watching Sydney closely with a smirk on his face. He knew what was up.
Anthony reached out and grabbed some Cheerios from her bowl. Sydney only ate cereal dry, but she loved the stuff and often snacked on it.
I encouraged her to say whatever is was that was on her mind. Sydney slowly reached for the cereal box and looked down at it.
“This box has either a Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman or Robin pen in it.” She looked up at me with expectant eyes. “I...I would like it. And I asked Anthony…” She suddenly stopped talking and a look of panic set in on her face, and she quickly set the box down.
Something drastic just happened in her mind. She went from happy and playful to the edge of panicking. Her face had dropped and cheeks grew flushed. Her demeanor change alerted Anthony, and now I was getting worried. Sydney quickly began shoveling cereal in her mouth and wouldn’t bring her head up. What the fuck happened?
“Sydney, sunshine.” Anthony tried reaching for her and she clamped down and froze.
He looked up at me, realizing too we had a serious problem. Something happened in just a few moments, and her mind did a complete flip. When I saw her hands shake and heard her sniffle I finally reacted. I pulled the spoon from her hand and pulled her off the barstool. She cried out and tried to hold onto the counter. Fuck, what the hell happened?
“No! No...please don’t! I’m sorry!” She sobbed in my arms and tried holding the counter. My heart was pounding because I was afraid that she was afraid of me.
I made it to the kitchen table with her in hysterics and sat down with her on my lap. Sydney’s hands clutched her stomach as the tears poured out. Anthony took hold of her hands and held them gently as she cried and shook in my arms. Fuck, this was scaring me. Another heart breaking phrase came from her, and it felt like a punch in the gut.
“Please don’t get rid of me…I’m sorry.”
Get rid of her? Fuck, how could that even cross her mind? I’ve had nothing but collaring her on my mind and she’s afraid that we’re going to get rid of her.
“Sydney, first off we are not getting rid of you. Do you understand that?” I held her on my lap and looked deep in her eyes until she nodded. “Say it. Tell Anthony and I that you understand.”
“I understand…I’m sorry.”
“Now, tell us what just happened. You went from being playful and happy to looking like you were deathly afraid. Help us understand, baby. Please. Anthony and I can’t help if we can’t communicate.”
This poor girl was a mess in my arms. Her eyes looked so sad and her body shook. Anthony sat on a chair as close as he possibly could be so he could touch and hold onto her too. He rubbed on her back and held one of her hands while she sat on my lap and played nervously with my tie.
I looked back at the counter at the cereal box. Something there was the trigger.
“Anth, what were you guys talking about?”
“It’s my fault, Sir. I was being selfish.”
Sydney and the word selfish never belong in the same sentence. I encouraged her to continue.
“You can have it, Sir.” Sydney turned and faced Anthony.
Were we talking about the pen in the cereal box? I looked at Anthony and saw all the color leave his face. Did Sydney have a breakdown over the fucking pen?
“Were you upset over the pen, Sydney?” I asked her calmly but she shook her head.
“When Anthony came downstairs I showed him the box with the comic book pen inside and I asked him if I could have it...he said he wanted it, but I knew he was kidding with me. So when you came downstairs I wanted to ask you if I could have it. Then I realized that I broke one of your rules, and I was afraid you’d be mad.” Tears streamed down her face and she tried to wipe them away. “I keep messing up. You guys won’t want me and will get rid of me.”
I was still lost and my heart hurt.
“What rule did you break, baby?”
“I asked you something that moments before I asked Anthony.”
She barely got the words out before she broke down in my arms again. Her tense body shook on my lap and she wouldn’t bring her head up. Hell, she was fine playing around with Anthony. He was teasing her about wanting the pen too, and she freaked out over realizing she asked me the same thing he teasingly gave her an answer on.
“Sydney, yes,” I said softly to her.
She slowly brought her head up and nearly killed me with those blue eyes. I leaned in and kissed her lips gently and repeated “yes” to her.
Anthony and I explained to her what we had meant when we first told her not to ask one of us something that the other has given direction on. I think she knew the difference, but something in her head snapped when she probably thought to herself that she’d ask me about the pen.
“You get the pen, baby.” I kissed her forehead and held her tightly against me.
We returned to the breakfast bar and ate a little bit. Anthony found a big bowl and poured the Cheerios out of the box until the plastic wrapped pen appeared. He smirked at it and held it up for her. Sydney took hold of the black pen that held the Batman logo on the side and the top was adorned with a plush Batman logo. Like the charmer he is, Anthony got Sydney to smile.
“You know, Batman is kind of overrated, sunshine. I was rooting for the Robin pen. Besides, Robin is sexier than Batman.” I knew Anthony was completely playing up Robin and was trying to make her smile, though I caught onto his Batman jabs.
“I don’t know, Anth. I think Batman is sexier. He’s taller,” I joked.
“Because he wears height enhancing boots.”
“He’s got bigger muscles than Robin.”
“That hasn’t been confirmed. He hides behind a putty costume. The costume could have built in muscles. Robin isn’t hiding behind a putty suit. He leaves it all on display.”
Sydney was laughing along with our jokes about Batman and Robin, which made Anthony and I feel better. She ate the rest of her cereal while holding the pen. It probably doesn’t even write. This morning left me unsettled, and I could tell that Anthony felt as gut punched as I did. Sydney had gone into hysterics over thinking she did something we told her not to do. She was scared we were going to get rid of her, which killed me because I want to collar her.
An hour l
ater we were sitting across from Chris talking about Saturday and her nightmares. We sat quietly while Chris read through her dream journal. He frowned a few times. I knew since last week her dreams had been less in frequency, but they were still just as intense in nature.
When he was finished reading her notebook, he set it down and began making some notes of his own. He kept looking up at the three of us and finally set his notepad down.
“You guys all look like something is on your mind. Let’s talk about it.”
I didn’t know what to say to him. Anthony and I were worried about Sydney since she had been ill and of course the nightmares bother us and then the breakdown this morning. Sydney started to get jumpy and her knees started to bounce. Chris settled his gaze on her nervous knees, and I felt an urge to pull her onto my lap and protect her from an agonizing morning. I knew exactly how Anthony felt.
“Sydney, what has the three of you so tense?” They way Chris phrased it let Anthony and I know that he expected an answer just from Sydney. So, Anthony and I remained silent and held her hands.
“Um, I kept them up last night.” Sydney looked at Anthony and I before she looked back at Chris. “I was sick and had a fever.” She let out a heavy sigh. “They’re worried about me.”
Chris sat back in his chair and looked over at Anthony and I.
“It’s understandable, Sydney. They care about you and when you’re sick, they feel it. Trust me when I say that they feel it.”
This was so true. Anthony and I could attest to feeling almost sick inside when she was in pain. I remembered back to those first few days in my house and all the pain she was in. I hated seeing her like that.
“What else, Sydney? Why do you seem bothered by them caring about you and tending to you?”
“Um, I don’t know exactly. I’m worried and feel guilty.”
Chris nodded as if he expected that response from her. He examined her for a moment and leaned back in his chair. “Guilt and worry occupy your mind. Why do you feel guilty?”
“Um, I just feel like I’m holding them back from their lives. They shouldn’t have to wake up worried about me each night.”
Chris smiled and picked up his notebook. “Sydney, first off, Doms rarely do anything they don’t want to do. When you wake up from a nightmare, do you think they comfort and care for you because they have to? They wouldn’t do it if they didn’t want to.” I felt her hand try to close in my hand. It’s one of her coping mechanisms. Chances were that she was doing the exact same thing in the hand Anthony held. Her hands were trying to get at each other to twist and pull and pick at. It calmed her but we were working on her not needing to do that.
“What else is bothering you, Sydney? What are you afraid of?”
“Afraid of?”
“Yes, Sydney. You’re scared about something. You’re sitting in a room with three Doms. What are you afraid of?”
It was a few moments before Sydney spoke, but when she did it broke my heart.
“I’m afraid of losing them.” Sydney looked up at Chris and the look in her eye was that of a tortured, scared young woman. She started crying. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and Anthony wrapped his arm around her lower back and let his hand rest against her tummy. Chris leaned forward and looked like he would have hugged her too.
“Why, Sydney? What makes you think that you’re going to lose them?”
“I’m a mess.” Her voice broke. “They sit up with me at night and have to deal with my bad dreams. My body is hideous and scarred. They can have any woman they want. I’m terrified that it’ll all become too much and they’ll realize I’m not worth the hassle. And I fail at following rules. They give me a few to follow and I screwed that up this morning.”
We explained what happened this morning and just like Anthony and I had earlier, Chris talked with Sydney about it. But still, Sydney was worrying deep down about being given up. Anthony and I could sugar coat it and put a bandage over it thinking we were helping, but really that fear of hers is deeper than I understood, until this morning. Unconditional love wasn't something that she had experienced, nor had Anthony. Until she understands that, she will always self doubt and worry. I wanted to make her believe somehow that Anthony and I were in love with her and that our V relationship failing was not an option. We needed to collar her. She understood what a collar meant.
Chris stared at Sydney for a few moments and then over at me, and then to Anthony.
“Well, it makes perfect sense, Sydney. You’ve known nothing but pain and rejection up until Colin and Anthony. Your biological parents gave you up. Your adoptive parents weren’t around much, and then they turned the other cheek when you were being taken advantage of by a friend of the family. Then you think that you finally made a break through. Out on your own, you discover you like kinky things and think that you found a Dom. Turns out he was just an abuser. He messed with your head for years. So I can understand why you’re just waiting for these two to wipe their hands of you. You’re expecting and waiting for rejection. Why not these two, right? It’s all you’ve known. You’ve learned to build up a protective front so you won’t get hurt. Then each time you lower the shields, you get hurt again. Only now, you’re more apprehensive about lowering those shields.”
Chris let out a heavy sigh and apologized before continuing and rubbed his forehead.
“I’m sorry. But as a Dom, it pains me to see what kind of a shitty cycle you’ve fallen into, Sydney. And it’s not your fault; it’s just what you know. Howard’s words and actions did more damage to you mentally, than his hands could have done. You are still so young, and yet you’ve seen more horrors and been through more than most people have in a lifetime. Something like this could easily have turned you off from the lifestyle. Luckily, you took a chance and you lowered those shields and let these two in. And now, since things are good and going well for you, you fear that it will be short lived. You expect rejection.”
Anthony interrupted with his voice sounding ragged and tense, “It’s not going to happen, Sydney. Colin and I aren’t letting you go. Ever.”
When I looked over at him, I saw a dead serious expression on his face. Anthony wasn’t letting her go, and he and I needed to do something to help prove that to her. I was going to talk to him about the collar today.
“Anthony and I need to do a better job of making Sydney realize and truly believe that we love her and won’t let her down.”
“Every other fucking adult has let her down. But I’ll be damned if Colin and I get added to that list.”
Chris smiled at our declarations and tilted his head to the side as he looked at Sydney. Today was good. It’s only natural for her to expect the worst. Anthony and I realized that we need to ease her worry of being abandoned.
“I’m tired of being sick and having nightmares. Colin and Anthony deserve to sleep without disruption. Is there anything you can give me?”
Fuck, I wish she wasn’t worried about Anthony and I like that. She can’t help it. Chris leaned forward and looked at us, assessing us.
“The concern that I have with that is that it’s a temporary fix. From your medical file and with talks I’ve had with Matt, your body is recovering from having prescription drugs forced into your system. Drugs that numbed you and made you more tolerant to pain. I don’t want you getting used to turning to pills to take the edge off or make you sleep. I do realize though at some point we need to address the sleep disturbances head on.”
Matt had already talked to Anthony and I about this. We wanted her to be able to sleep through the night just as much as she wanted it.
“Let’s give it a little while longer and see if the nightmares subside,” Chris said. His word sounded final on the subject. I heard Anthony let out an exasperated sigh. I know he was really pushing for her to be given something, and I understood why he was so set on it. He’s spent more time at night with her, so he knew how vivid those dreams were.
Chris pressed for discussion today about her ap
artment again. This hashed up shit we endured last Monday. He asked her to talk about the closet. Being bound to the inside of the dark closet is why she’s scared of the dark, which I gathered as much previously. Chris suggested she use her journal this week to write about the closet. He also suggested that Anthony and I continue to leave the bathroom light on for her as we have been.
Truth be told, I wasn’t planning on shutting the light off anytime soon. Sydney has spent seven years in hell, and if she felt better with a light on so she could see when she woke up scared from a nightmare, then I’d make sure that light bulb was burning bright each night.
As we drove home, I knew Anthony and I needed to get our hands on that needs and wants list of hers that we had her work on. I needed to make sure Anthony and I weren’t overlooking a need. There might be something that she is brave enough to write down but not talk about. I asked her how she was coming along with her needs and wants list on our drive home.
“Good, Sir. I think it’s ready for you guys to look at.”
“Good, baby. When we get home, go get it. Anthony and I want to look at it.”
Anthony and I sat patiently in the great room waiting for Sydney to come back with her paper. I was a little nervous. This wasn’t going to be like reading over a submissive in training’s list and then figuring out how to help her Dom to incorporate it into their relationship. This was Anthony’s and my little submissive’s list. Everything she felt she needed would be in black and white in front of Anthony and I. We’d know quite quickly what it was going to take to make her feel loved and keep her happy. There will most likely be other things that will pop up given the fact that she really hasn't been allowed to spread her wings. Howard may as well have kept her in a cage.
She held her paper out for me to take, and then she knelt down on the floor facing Anthony and I. She sat on the floor so that she was between Anthony and I and so either of us could reach out and touch her. Sometimes it amazed me at how mindful she was of the two of us. “Thank you, baby.” I touched her cheek and then let my nervous eyes settle on her paper.