Fly Like You've Never Been Grounded (Summer Lake, #4)

by SJ McCoy

  Smoke stared at him. Jesus! What could he do with this? Was he ready to tell her that he....? There was no time to decide. She and Emma came through the door from the deck. Her beautiful smile lit up her face when she spotted him. The happy buzz hummed loudly in his chest. He smiled back at her as she walked towards him. He might not be able to say it, but damn! He sure as hell couldn't deny it. He was in love with her!

  ***

  Laura was surprised to see Smoke sitting with Jack in the bar. She smiled, loving the sight of gentle Smoke out in public. The way he was smiling at her had her heart racing.

  Jack stood up when they got to the table. He put an arm around Emma. “We'll see you guys soon.” He grasped Smoke's shoulder and gave him a shake. “Don't take too long about it.”

  Laura was even more surprised that Smoke turned the same gentle smile on Jack. Weird, he would normally have punched his arm or something, but he just smiled and said, “Thanks, bro. I'll call you.”

  Emma gave her a hug and then they were gone.

  Smoke was by her side, taking hold of her hand. “Hey, gorgeous.”

  “Who are you calling gorgeous, gorgeous?”

  “You. Let's go home, lady. We need to talk.”

  She let him lead her out of the bar. They walked down by the water's edge. “For someone who says we need to talk, you're being awfully quiet,” she said after a while.

  The way he looked at her melted her heart. That look didn't need words. It told her he wanted her. As Missy had put it, wanted to be with her, not just be in bed with her. If she had to describe that look she would have said it was full of love. But it couldn't be, could it? And what was she supposed to do if it was? Panic? That seemed like the only reasonable response. For some reason though, she didn't feel panicky. That look made her feel happy—so very happy. And she had a fair idea that the look on her own face was mirroring it. He stopped walking and pulled her to him. Cupping the back of her head with his hand, he brushed his lips over hers. As always, her arms reached up around his neck of their own accord, pulling him down into a kiss.

  Standing there wrapped in his arms, his mouth exploring hers, the gentle breeze off the lake reminding her where she was, she knew in her heart there was nowhere else on earth she'd rather be.

  When he lifted his head, his eyes were full of questions. “Did that tell you anything?”

  Laura took a deep breath and nodded slowly. “I think it did. And I think you're right. We do need to talk.”

  Little furrows creased his brow as he took her hand and started walking again. “Let's take it home then.”

  Back at the cabin they settled on the sofa out on the deck. “So, what do you want to tell me, Captain Hamilton?” She tried to make her voice sound light, but it held none of its usual teasing tone; even she could hear that.

  Smoke curled his leg underneath him to sit sideways on the sofa as he took hold of her hands. “Did that kiss on the way back tell you anything, lady?”

  She nodded.

  “What did it tell you?”

  “I need to hear you say it, Smoke.”

  He shook his head. “I'm not sure I know how to make those words come out.”

  She was aware of that. Maybe it was best left alone anyway. Maybe it was best to stay away from the words she thought he meant.

  “What do you want to talk about then?”

  “I think it's time I tell you my story. See if you still want to stick around for those words. You might want to run before I ever say them.”

  “I doubt that, Smoke.”

  His face looked pained.

  She reached out to touch his cheek. “You've already told me you're no saint—though that wasn't hard to figure out. It's the past. We all have one. Your past has made you who you are today and I....” Oh, God! What had she been about to say? He was looking at her, the pain in his eyes replaced by hope. No. She couldn't bring herself to say it, even while he was looking at her like that. “I really like who you are today.”

  His shoulders sagged, they both knew it was because of what she'd failed to say. But dammit, he'd refused to say it, too!

  He nodded. “You're right. It has. I loved a woman once before. I was engaged to her. She loved me in the beginning too, but she ended up pretty much hating me.” He shrugged. “It was mutual.”

  Laura said nothing. She didn't know what she could say.

  “She wanted to be the center of my life, my world, my everything. She hated that I love my job so much. She thought I should turn my back on it, put her first whenever she wanted me to. I didn't. I couldn't.” He looked up at her, his eyes sad. “I don't know how.”

  Laura wrapped her arms around him and hugged him close. He looked so sad, so lost. “I'm sorry, Smoke.”

  He pulled back to look at her. “What for?”

  “That she didn't love you back like you needed her to.”

  The creases in his brow were back as he thought that one over. Then he shook his head. “That's not what I meant. It was me that couldn't love her the way she needed me to. I made her miserable, just by being me. I don't want to do that to you.”

  Laura let out a little laugh and shook her head. “You make me so happy by being you, Smoke. I love hearing the way you talk about flying. I love seeing you fly. I love the way you care so much about your work. I love that you have your own thing, something that's so important to you. I would suffocate in a minute if...someone...tried to make me the center of their world, their everything.”

  He nodded. “I'm starting to understand that. That's what we need to talk about. See, while I've been buying this house, setting up the flight school, laying the foundation for a life here...I'm doing it all with the hope that you'll be a part of it.”

  Laura held her breath. Waiting for the panic to kick in, for the need to run to take over and drown out everything else. She waited. But it didn't happen. She stared at him in shock, as her heart raced—happily!

  “I can't make you the center of it, and I always thought that was what a woman wanted, what a woman needs, in order to be happy. But you really don't, do you?”

  She shook her head. “I not only don't want it, I definitely don't need it, and more to the point, I couldn't stand it.”

  He nodded. “But could you stand to be a part of it? To see if there's some way we can be together that will let you be you, and me be me, but alongside each other?”

  Laura bit her lip. London was hardly alongside Summer Lake.

  Oh, his poor face! “You don't need to answer right now. But would you think about it?”

  “Smoke, I....”

  He looked up at her hopefully.

  Oh, God! She had to tell him. “When I was in London they asked me to stay.”

  His gray eyes bored into her.

  “To go and live there.”

  His lips pressed together. “Oh. Sorry. I didn't know. You should have said.” He shrugged and as if he'd flipped a switch, the cocky Smoke was back. “So, how about we forget everything I just said?”

  “But, Smoke, I....” She didn't get chance to finish the sentence. He'd pulled her towards him and his mouth came down on hers. She put her hands on his shoulders to push him back—she needed to explain. He deepened the kiss, claiming her mouth, owning her body. His hand was inside her top, his thumb circling. She let out a low moan as his other hand pushed her skirt up and slid inside her panties. All thoughts of explaining what she'd meant were lost. She couldn't even think straight, let alone put a sentence together. Her skirt was around her waist now, she was on her back. Underneath him. How did he do it? His fingers only left her heat to unbuckle himself and push her panties to the side. It had become so familiar to feel his knees pushing at her thighs, opening her up so he could....Oh, God!

  She clung to him as he filled her. There was a desperation in the way their bodies expressed everything they were too afraid to say. His arm around her waist, his hand in her hair told her she was his, she was where she belonged. Her arms around his back, and he
r legs around his told him she knew; she belonged to him. They told him what her words wouldn't—that she needed him. Each thrust of his hips demanded she let him in, into the deepest part of her body, into her heart, and into her soul. And she let him in, closing around him as he plunged inside her, holding him tight, begging him to stay. They took each other closer and closer to the edge. She felt him tense and knew that this time, when he said it, it would be true. She'd be his. He let go and she saw stars as he took her with him. But even as her body soared away with his, her heart hurt. Because this time he didn't say it.

  This time there was no lying there, nuzzling and whispering. Even while he was still breathing hard he rolled off her and pulled up his pants. He gave her the cocky grin and disappeared inside. She straightened her clothes, since they hadn't made time to get out of them. This was horrible. She felt cheap, like someone he'd just fucked and was about to fly away from. He wasn't, was he?

  She went inside and was surprised to hear the shower running. She knocked on the bathroom door. “Come on in. You've seen it all before.”

  She stepped inside. “Smoke. Don't shut down on me. Please?”

  He grinned at her. “I'm not shutting down, I'm cleaning up.”

  “Talk to me.”

  “Laura, you know I'm not a big talker. We've talked enough.”

  “No we haven't! You told me what you wanted to say. You shut down when I started to tell you what I wanted to say.”

  He shrugged and turned away to test the water. “Doesn't seem like there's much left to say.” He turned his back to her as he took his shirt off. “Talking is over-rated anyway. Do you want to join me?” He stepped out of his clothes and into the shower. “Can you close the door on your way in—or your way out?”

  Laura felt the anger bubble up. He was deliberately being a pig. She slammed the bathroom door shut and got undressed. The shower was already full of steam as she stepped in, careful not to close that door quite so hard. He had his back to her as he worked shampoo through his hair. The muscles on his broad back rippled as his arms moved. He might be acting like a cocky pig, but the tension was rolling off him in waves. She put a hand on his arm and planted a kiss between his shoulder blades.

  He spun around so fast she almost lost her balance. His arm snaked around her waist while he braced his other hand against the wall above her head. “It's been good, Laura. But I think it's time to call it quits.”

  Her heart stopped in her chest as her stomach tied itself in a knot. Had he really just said that? “What do you mean, Smoke?” She searched his face, unable to believe he could mean it.

  He had her backed against the wall now. The water was hitting the back of his head, rolling down over his face, his neck, his shoulders. “I mean it's time to say goodbye.” His voice cracked on that last word. Maybe it wasn't just water rolling down his face?

  She felt her own tears sting and closed her eyes to keep them in. Her heart felt as though it was being ripped from her chest. She didn't want to say goodbye to this man, ever. She couldn't, wouldn't say goodbye to him. No god-damned way!

  “You asshole!” She poked a finger in his chest. “You big, fucking coward!”

  His eyes widened in shock. She was a little shocked herself at the words that were coming out, but she pushed on. She was all too familiar with the fight or flight instinct, and for the first time in her life she was prepared to fight—for what she wanted.

  “It's not time to say goodbye at all. It's time to figure how the hell we're going to do this! You think it's okay to tell me your shit and then close up on me when I try to tell you mine? You're going to have to do better than that Mr. Cole Alexander Hamilton! You're going to have to grow a pair and work with me here!” She glowered up at him.

  He shook his head sadly. “I'm not being a coward. I'm doing you a favor, Laura. You need to fly away from here. You need to be free. Free to go to London and wherever else life takes you. I'm not going to be the one who holds you down. I know how that feels, and I won't do that to you. Because...I love you.”

  Who'd have thought it would take calling him a fucking coward to make him say it out loud? “Then you really are an asshole, Smoke. Because I love you too! And you are not going to be able to push me away or keep me out. You're going to work with me, you big Neanderthal!” She couldn't believe he'd just told her he loved her and she was calling him an asshole.

  His lips were pressed together his face was still tense, but she was relieved to see the tiniest hint of a smile lurking.

  “You know you're gorgeous when you're angry, right?” He was leaning his weight against her now, getting hard again.

  “Don't mock me, Smoke! I'm serious!”

  “I noticed.” His hands closed around her waist. “So am I. I will not hold you back from doing what you want to do.”

  “I know you won't. For one thing I wouldn't let you, but more importantly I know you'd never try to, any more than I would try to tie you down.”

  He nibbled her ear before his mouth moved down over her neck, nipping and sucking.

  “Smoke, listen to me!”

  His mouth was working its way back up, his tongue moving over her skin, tracing her jaw line. He bit her chin, then her lips before leaning back to look at her. “I am listening, I heard you tell me you love me. Did you hear me tell you I love you?”

  She nodded.

  “So you're telling me you want to find a way to make something work? That you really want to be mine?”

  She nodded again. “I want to be, but please, don't ever do what you just did out there again?”

  “I couldn't say it out loud, Laura. I couldn't hold you to something you don't want. I said it in my head though. Because even if you walk out that door. Even if you go to live in London and I never see you again, in my heart you are mine. In my heart you will always be mine. And I will always be yours. I told you you were trouble, lady. You've broken down every wall I've ever put up. Busted through all the defenses it took me years to build. Now, whether you want me or not, I'm yours. My heart is yours and always will be.”

  “But Smoke, I do want you, that's what I'm saying. I don't know how, but we'll make it work. We have to.”

  His knee was between her thighs. “Then let's try this again shall we?”

  He took her hard and fast. Their cries mingled as one when they came together.

  Smoke slammed into her as he cried, “Mine!”

  Laura knew she truly was as she gasped, “Yes!”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  If he'd thought he had a problem with always needing to be holding her hand or touching her before, Smoke knew he was even worse now. They'd dried each other down after the shower, fallen into bed and laid there talking. He'd held her hand the whole time, stroked her hair, touched her face. He was lost and he knew it. He still had that uneasy feeling, though.

  “I love you, lady, but I refuse to hold you back. Whatever we work out, however we do this, I want you to spend as much time in London as you need. Do what you want to do, go where you need to go, for as long as you like. Do you understand me?”

  She nodded and snuggled closer under his arm. “I will. I'll go to London, but I don't want to live there. I want to be able to spend time with you.”

  “We will.” He planted a kiss on top of her head and stared out at the lake. “We'll see each other when we can. You can come stay with me. I'll come visit you if you want me to, but it won't work if you give anything up so you can be with me.”

  “I'm not talking about giving it up, Smoke. I'm talking about finding way to do it all. You were the one who talked about how everyone else is managing, remember? Jack and Emma, Holly and Pete, Dan and Missy. We can do that too. We just have to figure out how.” She turned to look up at him. “We can do it and we will do it. Because I love you. You were the one who said it could work if you found the right person. Well I know I have.” The fun and laughter were shining in her eyes as she added, “I never would have guessed that my right person wo
uld be an ego-ridden, great big Neanderthal of a possessive jerk, but since you are we'll just have to make the best of it.”

  He laughed at that. “At least you know what you're letting yourself in for.”

  “I do, but will you explain something that doesn't make sense to me?”

  Smoke tensed, knowing there was still so much more he had to tell her. Still, she needed to know it all before they really could go anywhere with this. “I'll do my best.”

  She pulled his head down and planted a kiss on his lips. “You don't have to tell me till you're ready, but I want to ask the question, okay?”

  He nodded, feeling himself relax a little. She was so good about not pressuring him. “Ask away, I'll do what I can.”

  “I just don't understand where the jealous, possessive bit comes in. It doesn't sit right with the guy who will fly away at the drop of a hat. I mean I can see that it's true, but I don't understand where it comes from, what makes you that way?”

  He squeezed her hand, which made him realize that he was holding it once again. He did know the answer to this one, he just hoped he could explain it. “Okay. First, you do understand why I take off rather than stick around?”

  She nodded, “Of course I do. It's my natural instinct too.”

  “Yeah, to me, sticking around—feeling obliged to stick around—has always felt like I was being grounded. Having my freedom, my ability to fly, taken away.” He paused. How to explain it? “You're right about my big ego. I do like to feel that when I fly away I'll be missed. That the people I leave behind wanted me and don't just forget me when I'm gone. When I choose to stick around, to not fly away, I need to know that I'm doing it for a worthwhile reason.” He paused, knowing he had to stop talking in generalities, to be forthright and honest. “I need to know that you actually want me. That you want me enough that you're not interested in anyone else. I need to know that I'm not making a mistake, that I'm not grounding myself for no reason. I feel like I'm making this huge sacrifice and I need to know that it's as important to you as it is to me. I need to know that you want me, and only me. I need to know that you are all mine. It's no sacrifice if we're in it together, so I need to know that we are. I guess the jealous and possessive thing is my way of seeking reassurance—that you want me, love me, and trust me as much as I do you. Does that make any sense?”