Heart Breaths

by Hendin, KK

  “At what?”

  “That you’d initiate looking like more of an idiot than we asked you to,” she replied. “Not complaining, just noticing.”

  I shrugged. I was surprised myself. “You gonna tell me what the surprise is?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Nooooo,” she sang as we walked toward Victoria’s Secret. “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore.”

  The music was loud and bouncy as we walked into Victoria’s Secret. A few of the people gave us weird looks, the hat collection alone causing stares, not to mention the abundance of tacky jewelry we were all wearing.

  And even though I was usually the first one to shrink and hide from attention like this, being there with Sam, Hannah and Mary Elizabeth, I kind of felt proud of our ridiculous fashion statements.

  “The surprise is going to buy underwear?” I asked as we wandered through the store.

  “Nah, surprise is later,” Hannah said, picking up a bra and looking at it critically. “What do you think?”

  Tilting my head, I looked at the bra, covered in rhinestones and lace. “Uh, it would probably show through a shirt,” I said.

  “Well, that’s why you don’t wear it with a shirt,” she replied, her grin fairly devious.

  “Don’t wear it with a… oh,” I realized, feeling stupid. “If it’s only for show and he plans on taking it off before anything, maybe, because it looks like being crushed up against those would be painful.”

  Mary Elizabeth started laughing. “She’s right,” she said. “Bryan would be scarred for days.”

  “La, la, la, la, don’t want to hear about your sex life!” I sang, covering my ears.

  “Prude,” Mary Elizabeth teased as we walked toward the lingerie and sleepwear. Or seducing-wear, as it probably should be called.

  Nobody actually got any sleep in those things.

  “So, Victoria’s Secret—place to buy expensive lingerie to seduce your boyfriends?” I asked as Sam deliberated between two different teddies.

  Hannah nodded, reaching to pull down a pink lacy teddy. “Ooh, that one,” Mary Elizabeth said, reaching to pull down one of her own. “Good pick.”

  “Have I met your boyfriend?” I asked Mary Elizabeth, having no interest in actually buying anything here myself.

  She laughed. “Honey, I’m gay,” she replied. “And currently single, so no, you haven’t met any boyfriends. Or girlfriends for that matter.”

  “Sorry,” I apologized.

  “Why? That I’m gay?”

  “No, I just assumed…” I trailed off.

  “Don’t worry about it,” she said, sincere. “It’s not like I’m wearing a T-shirt that says I’m lesbian.”

  “That might make things easier for you,” Sam teased. “I mean, it’s been months since you got laid.”

  “Oh my God,” I practically yelled. “Samantha Mendez, what the hell!”

  “Calm down, Grandma,” she said. “It’s just sex.”

  “We’re in public,” I hissed.

  “It’s Victoria’s Secret,” she said. “It’s not like they’ve never heard about sex here.” Glancing down at my empty hands, she looked at me. “What are you trying on?” she asked.

  “Nothing,” I said.

  “Nothing? Wrong answer,” she said. “Size?”

  “Oh, hell no,” I said as she began to look over the negligees.

  “Pfft, I can figure it out without you telling me,” she replied, leaning over to pull a few off the racks. “And you are so buying something from here, you’ll find someone to wear it for.”

  An image of shirtless Gabe flashed through my mind, making me jump a little.

  “You know I have nobody to wear it for,” I protested as she grabbed a few off the hooks.

  “And with that attitude, you won’t find someone,” she replied. Grabbing my hand, we headed toward the dressing rooms.

  “Here,” she said, shoving a handful of lingerie at me. “Try it on. Feel sexy.”

  “I don’t think I remember how to feel sexy,” I muttered, looking at the handful of lace she had just given me.

  “Oh, please. It’s not like you’re a nun or something. You don’t forget how to feel sexy, you choose to not let yourself feel sexy, which is a damn shame,” she said. “Which is why you’re going to try on some fabulous lingerie and stop repressing your sexiness.”

  “Oh, Lord,” I moaned.

  “Someone’s gonna be saying that about you, sweetie,” she said. “When you’re wearing that. Now, come on. Try something on.”

  Following Hannah, I picked a dressing room and walked in. Hanging up the negligees Sam had given me, I looked at them, trying to see if there was a chance that I would actually wear any of them.

  The black and red one? I shuddered. No. Not my taste. Neither was the lavender, or the pink one. Picking up the dark purple one, I pursed my lips in thought.

  It goes with your skin tone, I told myself. Just try it on, for God’s sake.

  And apparently the voices in my head had been spending too much time with Sam. Peeling off my clothing, I gingerly put on the negligee, not facing the mirror, not willing to know what I looked like.

  It felt like it fit. It kind of looked good from what I saw of it.

  Taking a deep breath, I turned around.

  I looked… sexy.

  “Lemme see,” Sam called from the other side of the changing room door.

  “I’m not parading around in underwear,” I protested, still staring at my reflection in astonishment.

  “Oh, please. I’m currently standing here in my underwear, which I want your opinion on,” she said. “Hannah’s deliberating between two bras, and Mary Elizabeth always appreciates a pair of boobs.”

  “Sam, you can’t say that!” I cried, whirling away from the mirror and turning to open the door. “That’s obnoxious!”

  “It’s true,” Mary Elizabeth drawled. “I do appreciate a pair of boobs.”

  I shook my head. I was never going to understand Sam’s head.

  “Dayum,” Sam whistled as I stood there at the changing room door, hands on my hips, glowering at her. “Girl, you look hot!”

  I blushed.

  “You do,” Hannah said, looking up from her bra collection. “Girl, we need to find you a guy who can appreciate that.”

  “I would be hard pressed to find a guy who wouldn’t appreciate that,” Mary Elizabeth said, winking at me while I blushed harder.

  I reached to close the dressing room door.

  “Opinions first,” Sam said, reaching out and holding the door open. “Yes or no?”

  I looked at the negligee she currently was wearing. Blue and aquamarine, with lacy inserts. “Chris’s eyeballs will fall out of his head,” I said.

  She pumped her fist. “Booya!”

  “Purple or green?” Hannah said, still deliberating over her bras. “Mary Elizabeth says green, Sam says purple. Break the tie, Maddie.”

  “Green,” I said. “Sorry, Sam.”

  “You’re not always right,” she teased.

  “Okay, can I put my clothing back on now?” I asked, reaching for the door.

  “Yes, Miss Prude,” she said, heading back toward her dressing room.

  The door closed behind me and I got redressed, hanging the negligee back up on its little hanger. I didn’t need anyone else to see me wearing it, but truth be told, it did make me feel sexy. Damn Sam and her ability to make me try things I didn’t want to, and being right.

  A voice from the dressing room next to mine interrupted my thoughts. “Nah, I’m back home now for a bit,” drawled a sweet Southern voice. “Only for the next week or so. Robert’s away on a business trip now, and I’m going down there when he comes back. George? Bastard wanted me to meet his kid. Like I was ever going to do that. Fuck him behind his bitch trophy wife’s back? Sure. Move in with him while he got divorced? Have you seen the amount of money he makes? And then all of a sudden, he’s all, hey! Meet my kid! Spend time with her. U
gh, no. I totally wasn’t going to tell him about Robert, but he wanted me to meet his kid. So I told him, and packed out…. Of course he was pissed! I cheated on the bastard with his own damn son!”

  Wow. Dressing rooms were a lot more entertaining than I remembered.

  Gathering my things, I walked out of the dressing room to see Sam standing there, her face a mask of fury. “What’s wrong?” I asked her.

  She shook her head and walked out of the dressing rooms to where Hannah and Mary Elizabeth were waiting. “That bitch,” she hissed. “I’m going to go back in there…”

  “No, you aren’t,” Hannah said, grabbing her arm and steering her toward the registers. “We’re going to buy us some lingerie and get the hell out of this store before we bump into her.”

  “Bump into who?” I asked, confused. The chick from the dressing room?

  “Diane,” spit Sam. Taking a deep breath, she faced the registers. “Okay. Buy and leave. But I’m going to need to drown myself in a vat of ice cream after that.”

  “Entirely understandable,” Mary Elizabeth said, looking furious herself. I glanced at Hannah’s face. Livid.

  Paying quickly, we left Victoria’s Secret and headed across the mall so Sam could drown herself in ice cream. “Who’s Diane?” I asked as we sat down around a table, ice creams in hand.

  Sam’s eyes narrowed. “Gabe’s ex,” she spit. “Nasty bitch.”

  Gabe’s ex… “Noie’s mom?” I asked.

  “No,” she snapped. “Never, ever, ever call her that. She was a fucking egg donor, that’s it. She doesn’t deserve to be called Noie’s mom. Ever.”

  Whoa.

  “Egg donor?” I echoed.

  “You gonna tell her or am I?” Mary Elizabeth asked as Sam took a vicious bite of her ice cream.

  “You tell her,” she said.

  “Well, I don’t know all the details,” Mary Elizabeth said. “Gabe won’t tell us everything. But what we do know is that Gabe and Diane had been dating for a bit when Diane got pregnant. Gabe’s pretty traditional, so he proposed. She stayed with him until Noie was born, and five weeks later, he caught her in bed with some other guy. She left two days after that, and told him she never wanted to see their kid again.”

  Reaching over, I squeezed Sam’s hand. “If she ever comes anywhere near Noie, I’m helping you take her down,” I said.

  “Something else happened,” Sam said. “She did something to Gabe, and he won’t say what. But he’s different now, Maddie. Working himself to the bone at his stupid job at the firm. He’s gotten a bit better, but he’s not the same anymore. That’s why my parents moved here. He had collapsed from over-exhaustion, and the only reason we found out was because we were listed as emergency contacts.” She took a shuddering breath. “She ruined my brother, Maddie. And if she tries to come near him, I will rip her, limb from fucking limb.”

  Poor Gabe. “I’ll hold her down for you,” I said. “She doesn’t deserve either of them. Noie or Gabe.”

  She nodded, calming down a bit. “I’m going to have to tell him,” she said, taking another bite of ice cream. “He needs to know that she’s here.”

  “Do you want me to watch Noie?” I asked. “Take him out somewhere to tell him.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “After we get back, I guess.”

  “Don’t you dare let that bitch ruin our day,” Hannah said. “God knows she’s ruined enough of them before.”

  “Do you guys know her?” I asked Hannah and Mary Elizabeth.

  Hannah nodded. “She was in the same high school as us,” she said. “She’s only gotten worse with age.”

  “And, that concludes the Diane is a bitch conversation for the day,” Mary Elizabeth said, standing up. “Sam, don’t we have a surprise for a certain Yankee friend?”

  Sam brightened. “We do!” she exclaimed. “Retail therapy first, surprise second.”

  “Is anyone going to tell me what this surprise is?” I asked.

  “Nope,” the three of them chorused.

  I rolled my eyes and laughed.

  Chapter · Sixteen

  “Another store?” I said. “Sam, I don’t have enough hands left to carry more clothing.”

  “Oh, please,” she scoffed. “You’ve got plenty of arm space.”

  Looking down at the multiple shopping bags I was holding in both hands, I looked at her dubiously. “I sincerely doubt that,” I said.

  “Never doubt Samantha Jo Mendez when it comes to matters of retail,” she intoned.

  “Oh, look, a music store!” I said, gesturing at the storefront next to the shoe store we were about to walk into.

  “Shoes first, music second,” Sam said as she steered me into the shoe store.

  Fifteen minutes and two pairs of shoes later, we exited the shoe store and headed into the music store. It was gorgeous. The walls were lined with all sorts of instruments—from guitars to flutes, cellos and saxophones… there was a baby grand piano in one corner, and a full drum set in another.

  “Can I help y’all with anything?” the salesman asked, as if four girls wearing ridiculous hats walked into his store every day.

  I glanced longingly at the baby grand. “Are we allowed to try the instruments?” I asked.

  “Absolutely,” he said. “Hi, Hannah.”

  “Hey, Farley,” she said, flashing the salesman a smile. “I’m back.”

  “I noticed,” he said.

  “You come here often?” I asked Hannah as we stashed our bags in a corner.

  “Hannah is the queen of drums,” Mary Elizabeth said, reaching over and picking up an electric guitar. “We jam here sometimes because Farley’s a happening dude and this drum set kicks ass.”

  “You play, too?” I asked Sam.

  She shook her head. “Nah, I just watch,” she said as Mary Elizabeth strummed the guitar. “Being friends with the two of them is free rock concerts all the time.”

  “One, two, three, four!” Mary Elizabeth yelled, and began to play. The acoustics in the store were incredible, and the amplifier was turned up.

  “I don’t give a damn about my reputation,” I sang along as Hannah took the drums. They were unbelievable.

  “Best publicity this store gets,” yelled Farley over the music. “I always manage to sell extra when they come in.”

  The music had brought a crowd of people from the mall. Sam smiled. “Free rock concert. Surprise!” she yelled as Mary Elizabeth and Hannah switched songs.

  Their musical talent was uncanny. This definitely was a good surprise. “Do they have a set?” I asked Sam as they switched to Aerosmith.

  She shook her head. “Changes every time.”

  I leaned back against the baby grand and watched the two of them rock out, remembering the times I used to watch Ravi and his friend Jacob do the same thing. The memory had mellowed out—it wasn’t so much painful to remember Ravi’s fingers flying over the guitar, as much as it was bittersweet.

  “Thank you!” Mary Elizabeth yelled as Hannah finished the song with a bang. The crowd cheered as the two of them took bows.

  “You guys are awesome!” I said, clapping as they walked over to us. “I didn’t know you two played.”

  “We all hide talents, apparently,” Hannah said, her eyes twinkling. “Miss I-Can’t-Sing.”

  I laughed, and looked again toward the baby grand.

  “Do you also not play?” Mary Elizabeth said, seeing me look at the piano.

  I shrugged. “I play a bit,” I said.

  “Okay, Mozart,” Sam said.

  “I’m not Mozart,” I protested.

  “Like we’re gonna believe you after that little trick you played at Billy Bob’s,” Hannah scoffed.

  Sitting down, I placed my hands on the piano.

  “I’m pretty rusty,” I said. “It’s been a while.”

  It had. It hadn’t been three years, but almost. Pressing down on the keys, I closed my eyes and began to play. “A Thousand Years.” It was one of my favorite love songs. Be
autiful melody, beautiful words.

  I sang softly as I let my fingers fly across the piano.

  A montage of moments filtered through my memory as I sang. Of the first time I saw Ravi in ninth grade, during lunch. The time he asked me out, and we went to Central Park—just he and I. The first kiss, impulsive and sweet by the subway entrance after school. That first night together, achingly sweet and a little awkward. The day in the hospital, when we went for the sonogram and cried when we saw Devi, sleeping in a sac of amniotic fluid. Breathing out.

  It was true.

  I would always love Ravi.

  I didn’t know how not to.

  But maybe?

  Maybe?

  I would be able to learn to love someone else, too.

  He wants you to be happy, Salena’s voice echoed as I neared the end of the song. I changed keys, and began to play another song. “For Good.”

  I had cried the first time I had heard it, on Broadway. I cried a little bit now, singing it in the middle of a mall in North Carolina. I sang it, and breathed out.

  I let the last notes drift off, and opened my eyes. Getting up from the piano, I noticed the crowd from Mary Elizabeth and Hannah’s little performance were still there, and they were clapping. Sam reached over and hugged me. “Mozart,” she whispered, laughing a little.

  I smiled. “Nah, just Maddie.”

  Farley walked over. “Sam, where the hell do you find all these people?” he asked, beaming. “Any other people you want to bring over and have them play?”

  “None that I know of,” she replied.

  “You still haven’t convinced your brother?” he asked hopefully.

  “Gabe plays?” I asked, surprised.

  “The violin,” Sam replied.

  I don’t think I could have been more surprised. “Gabe plays violin?” I asked, dumbfounded. Why I was so surprised, I don’t know. I guess he didn’t really look like your typical violin player—Gabe had the body of a construction worker, not of a violinist.

  “He hasn’t in years,” she said, her eyes sad. “I don’t think I’ve seen him play since before Noie was born.”

  “Was he any good?” I asked as we made our way out of the store.

  Sam’s eyes brightened. “He’s magical, Maddie. I wish you could hear him play.”