Heart Breaths

by Hendin, KK

  Gabe’s smile flashed back. “I don’t know, I was going to go to bed early last night, but there was this person at my apartment who insisted on beating me at Sudoku.”

  I poked him. “I told you to go to sleep,” I said. “But you wanted to beat me at Sudoku.”

  “No, actually, I wanted to do something else,” he said, the octave of his voice dropping. “Things that probably we should not do with my sleeping daughter in the next room over.”

  I felt the shocks of his words race up and down my spine.

  “Then probably we shouldn’t do them with your receptionist right outside the office,” I said, my throat dry.

  “Probably,” he agreed. Leaning over, he pressed his lips to mine, and I lost any train of thought.

  A knock on the door startled us. “Mr. Mendez, just reminding you that your one-thirty is going to be here in fifteen minutes,” called the receptionist.

  Reaching down and straightening up my clothing, I stood up. “I should go,” I said.

  He smiled up at me, sweet and a little sleepy. “Thanks for dropping by,” he drawled, standing up and walking me to the door.

  I smiled back. “Always happy to interrupt productive days with sandwiches.”

  “Am I going to see you later tonight?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me and giving me a hug.

  God, I could lose myself in his arms if I didn’t think too hard about it.

  I shrugged. “Not sure,” I replied. “There may be a girls’ night out planned.”

  “Another one?” he mock-groaned.

  “Well, Mary Elizabeth wanted to set this one up, and she’s bringing Jeannie with her,” I replied.

  His eyebrows shot up. “It’s that serious?” he asked.

  “I have no idea,” I replied. “But we will find out tonight.”

  “Have fun on your play date with Noie,” he said, opening the door to his office.

  “Have fun at work,” I replied, smiling up at him.

  His dimple flashed. “I always do,” he drawled.

  “Maddie?” Noie asked as we walked back from the salon, our nails freshly pinked. “Did you ever go with Devi and make her nails pink?”

  Did it get easier, talking about Devi with her?

  It did. It had. They were the perfect combination—my time with Noie, and my nights with Gabe. Grandma Evelyn was right—it hurt to talk about Devi and Ravi—it did. But it could not in any way compare to the pain of pretending that I was all right. Of the years of letting my parents have their wish and pretending that I had gone away for high school, and the scar running across my stomach was from a skiing accident and not a C-section.

  Nothing hurt the way that not talking about them did.

  “I used to paint them pink at home,” I said, holding Noie’s little hand carefully as we crossed the street.

  “Because you didn’t live near Jessica?” she asked, as if Jessica was the only woman in the entire country who knew how to give a manicure.

  “Not exactly, darling.”

  “Devi says that you would tell her she matched with Barbie,” she said, looking up at me, big green eyes calm.

  “I did,” I said, remembering.

  Because I had.

  “Mary Elizabeth here yet?” I asked Sam as I slid next to her in the bar.

  “Not yet!” she yelled over the music. “Hannah went to get drinks.”

  “Where are the boys?” I asked, looking around the bar.

  “In Bryan’s man cave,” she replied. “And Gabe’s working from home tonight.”

  I winced. I had no reason to feel guilty about being out tonight while he was home with Noie. No reason at all. But yet, I did.

  Part of me felt like I was supposed to be staying home, working late. Taking care of someone. It was a feeling that never quite left me, all the years after the accident. Until I met Crawford at the benefit my parents basically blackmailed me into going to, I didn’t go out at night. It felt wrong.

  “It’s okay,” Sam said, noticing the expression on my face. “Don’t worry.”

  “I do,” I said, shredding a napkin.

  “Honey, you can’t let guilt drown you forever,” she said, squeezing my hand. I smiled back.

  “Easier said than done,” I said.

  “Most things are,” said Mary Elizabeth, coming up behind us. “What specifically this time?”

  “Mary Liz!” Sam said, beaming. “Lookin’ foxy tonight.”

  “I try,” she said, smirking. She turned to the pretty brunette standing next to her. “Jeannie, I’d like to introduce you to the biggest flirt in the state of North Carolina.”

  “Maddie?” Sam teased. “She is, isn’t she?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Hey, Jeannie,” I said, smiling. “Nice to see you again.”

  “Hey, Maddie,” she said, smiling shyly.

  “This is Sam,” Mary Elizabeth said. She turned and shot Sam a look. “Sam, this is Jeannie.”

  “A pleasure to meet you,” Sam said, flashing her a grin. “Is Mary Elizabeth behaving herself?”

  “Always,” Jeannie replied, smiling at Mary Elizabeth.

  “What a damn shame,” drawled Sam.

  Jeannie burst out laughing. “Don’t worry,” she said, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “I misbehave enough for the two of us.”

  Sam slapped her a high-five. “We’re going to be friends,” she said. “Good job, Mary Liz.”

  Mary Elizabeth smiled. “I think so, too,” she said, leaning over and kissing Jeannie.

  “The boys are going to be so jealous they missed the PDA,” Hannah said, joining us at the table.

  “I told Chris that I’d make out with a girl in front of him when he made out with Bryan,” Mary Elizabeth said, wrapping her arm around Jeannie.

  “You guys are all terrible,” I scolded.

  “Did you expect anything else?” Hannah asked, laughing.

  “I shouldn’t have, should I?”

  “Nope,” Sam said. “Never.” Turning to Jeannie, she smiled. “So, I want to hear your version of what happened at the store that day. Maddie didn’t have nearly enough details.”

  “Nobody ever has enough details for you, Samantha Jo,” Mary Elizabeth said, rolling her eyes.

  “This is usually true,” Sam agreed, bobbing her head to the music, and to Hannah’s mindless drumming on the tabletop.

  “Well,” Jeannie said, smiling at Mary Elizabeth. “I wasn’t actually supposed to be at work that day, but last second the manager switched my days…”

  I caught Mary Elizabeth’s eye. Keeper, I mouthed, and watched her smile.

  I had just gotten back to my apartment and was about to change into pajamas when I was startled by a knock on the front door.

  It was Gabe.

  I opened the door, smiling. “You missed me?” I teased. Because as much as I didn’t want to let myself go to a place like that again so soon, it was true. It had been less than ten hours, and I missed him.

  “Maddie, we need to talk,” Gabe said, sounding suspiciously grave.

  My heart dropped to my stomach. Something was wrong.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Is Noie okay?”

  “Noie’s fine,” he said. “But that’s actually what I want to talk to you about.”

  “Okay…” I said, trailing off, thinking frantically, trying to figure out what was going on. “Want to come in?”

  He shook his head. “Can we head to the beach instead?”

  “Sure,” I acquiesced, turning to lock the door before following him toward the beach. I twisted my hands nervously. Something was wrong. But what? What had happened? Calm down, Maddie, I scolded myself. You’re overreacting. “What’s up, Gabe?”

  He looked at me, his face serious. “I had quite an interesting conversation with Noie tonight,” he said. “She was coloring, and started to explain her picture to me. It was a picture of Devi, her imaginary friend, with her mom and dad. She’s drawn the picture more than once, so I knew what it was. The
re’s always a story that goes with a picture, so she starts telling me a story about Devi and her mom and dad.”

  He paused. “But this time, the story was a little different. Instead of just calling the parents Devi’s Mommy and Devi’s Daddy, she gave them names. Your names.”

  “My names?” I asked, confused.

  He nodded. “She told me that Devi’s mom’s name was Maddie. Coincidence, you know. Taking people who she knows and incorporating them into her imaginary stories. But she was insistent that Devi’s mommy was Maddie. And not just any Maddie—but it was you. I told her that you weren’t Devi’s mom, and she told me that not only were you Devi’s mom, but that you told her that yourself.”

  Well, I was.

  I looked at Gabe’s face. Unreadable.

  “Look, Maddie, I know that Noie likes making things up. But this isn’t the first time she’s said things like that to me. Are you telling her anything that would encourage this?”

  I twisted my fingers together. “Gabe, do you believe in the supernatural?”

  “No,” he responded. “Although I don’t understand what that has to do with anything.”

  I winced. This was going to be a bit more complicated than I thought. “Do you believe in reincarnation? In ghosts?”

  “Nope,” he repeated.

  Oh, boy.

  “Well, then this is going to be a little complicated,” I said.

  “Why?”

  “Because I do,” I replied. “The reason Noie told you that I’m Devi’s mom is because I am.”

  “I don’t want to sound callous or anything, but your Devi was killed three years ago, and Noie’s Devi is some imaginary friend.”

  “Noie’s Devi is my Devi,” I said quietly.

  There was silence as Gabe turned to stare at me, incredulous. “You can’t possibly believe that,” he said.

  “Why not?” I asked. “Gabe, it doesn’t make sense. Noie knew songs Ravi wrote before I ever moved here. Without hearing about any part of my past, she was able to tell me things about Devi’s childhood. She’s able to pick out pictures of Devi, not knowing that she was my daughter.”

  “It’s a coincidence,” he repeated. “And it’s only fueled if you tell her things like that.”

  “Things like what?” I asked, starting to get frustrated.

  “Things like believing that your daughter is haunting mine!” he exploded.

  “She’s not haunting her,” I protested. “She’s just keeping her company.”

  Gabe’s disbelieving gaze met mine. “You can’t possibly believe that,” he repeated.

  “Why not?” I asked. “It’s not like Noie is the same as all other kids her age. The level of stranger anxiety she has is not healthy, Gabe. She’s extra sensitive. Why can’t you believe that she might have the ability to see things you don’t?”

  “Because she’s my daughter!” he argued.

  “So?”

  He stood there for a minute, breathing hard.

  “Is that what this all was?” he asked me hoarsely. “All of this was just so you could keep on riding on the delusion of speaking to your dead child through mine?”

  “Gabe, what are you talking about?” I asked, scared and confused.

  “All of this,” he said, coming closer to me, his lips hovering inches away from mine. “Was all of this a lie, Maddie?”

  I could feel the tears start. Did he really think I didn’t care about him? Did he? “No,” I said, hearing my voice crack. “None of it is a lie, Gabe. None, I swear.”

  He moved back, shoulders slumping. “I don’t know if I can trust you,” he said. “How am I supposed to know anymore?”

  The rage started to boil inside me. “Do you really think that little of me?” I shot back. “Do you really think that I would ever do something like that?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know. And when you kept running… what am I supposed to think? What kind of conclusions am I supposed to come to about any of this?”

  “I haven’t run out on you in weeks!” I protested. Why was he doing this?

  “But you did,” he said. “You have. How am I supposed to know you won’t do it again?” He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “What about Noie? I don’t know how I would handle it if you ran away again, but Noie? I can’t, Maddie. I can’t. I can’t have her love you like that, only for you to run away.”

  “I’m not running, Gabe!” My eyes were burning. “I’m not! And it’s hard not to run, okay? It’s killing me.”

  “Then go!”

  “What?” I wrapped my hands around my waist, trying to keep myself standing.

  “If it’s so hard for you, just go, Maddie. You keep leaving, and at a certain point, I don’t think you care enough. About either of us. I don’t need someone who doesn’t want to be here.”

  His words had me stumbling back. He couldn’t mean that. He couldn’t. He knew that wasn’t true, didn’t he? He had to. He had to know that he and Noie were two of the most important people in my life. He had to. “Don’t do this, Gabe,” I whispered. “Don’t do this.”

  Rubbing a hand over his face, he sighed. “I can’t have Noie being fed hallucinations. I can’t have you getting her hopes up. About anything,” he rasped. “Please stay away from my daughter.”

  “No, don’t do this,” I pleaded, reaching out to try to stop him.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie,” he whispered, the hurt showing in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

  Turning, he walked away, shredding what was left of my heart.

  Chapter · Twenty

  I didn’t sleep that night. I could barely stop crying.

  Gabe’s words were haunting me. Repeating themselves, over and over and over. I can’t do this. Please stay away from my daughter.

  Hands shaking, I got in the car and drove over to Fort Raleigh. It was late, I knew. But I didn’t know what else to do.

  I stumbled to where the two little rocks lay. “Ravi?” I whispered, my voice caught on a sob.

  Nothing.

  I began to cry. “Ravi, he doesn’t believe me. He doesn’t believe his daughter. He told me to stay away from her.” My shoulders shook as I cried. “I know he’s scared, Ravi, but I don’t know what to do.”

  I sat there, hunched over, crying. Crying for Ravi. Crying for Devi. For Gabe and Noie and everything I had done wrong. “What am I supposed to do?” I rocked back and forth, sobbing. There was no answer. There never was.

  My sobs grew louder. “Why aren’t you helping me?” I cried, almost yelling. “Why aren’t you helping me when I need you the most?” I picked up one of the rocks and clutched it against my chest. “Why aren’t you answering me, Ravi? I know you’re here, I know you are…”

  The wind started blowing softly. “I miss you, Ravi,” I sobbed. “It still hurts, and it’s not going away… Make it stop, Ravi, make it stop…”

  I don’t know how long I lay there, letting my heart bleed.

  I lay curled up on my side, stroking the rock. “Was it my fault?” I asked, hearing my voice crack. “What did I do wrong?”

  You were scared, Maddie.

  So was he.

  The moon was shining above the trees, bathing the clearing with a soft light. My tears slowed down as I drew a hiccupping breath.

  Was this all about being scared? Was this what it all boiled down to?

  Memories of me leaving, over and over and over flashed through my mind. I was still scared. I probably always would be.

  Letting yourself open up to someone else would always be terrifying.

  Maybe he was scared, too.

  I had no way of knowing for sure. But something inside me was saying differently.

  Of course he’s scared.

  Of course he is.

  I put the little white rock back in its place and brushed off the dirt there. I stood up slowly, watching the two rocks, hoping desperately that someone, something would come and help me.

  But all I had left was myself. />
  I climbed back into my car, drained. I was going to have to try to fight for him. For us.

  Even if it scared me.

  But fighting for us would mean talking to him. And even though Gabe had been coming in regularly since I had started working there, ever since that horrible night, I hadn’t seen him once. The next few days were a blur of working at the café before returning to the apartment to cry. I knew Grandma was worried—but I did my best to brush it off, telling her that I was a little under the weather.

  What was I supposed to say? The man who I was falling in love with told me that he never wanted to see me again, because his daughter was seeing the ghost of my daughter?

  No.

  Not that.

  Anything but that.

  I thought I was putting on a brave face, and that I was doing a perfectly good job of pretending that everything was okay.

  “Maddie, we need to talk,” Sam said as I was walking around the back of the café toward my apartment at the end of the day, ready to shed the tears I had spent all day fighting.

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” I protested, trying to walk around her toward the café. “Everything’s fine, Sam.”

  “Bullshit,” she snapped, grabbing my arm and whirling me toward her. “Maddie, what happened?”

  “Nothing happened!” I lied, trying to keep the tears from flowing. “Nothing happened, Sam, okay?”

  “Why don’t I believe you?” she said, not letting go of my arm.

  I shrugged. I would not cry in front of Sam, I would not cry in front of Sam, I would not cry in front of…

  “Noie’s been asking me about you,” she said, and the dam burst.

  Dropping my head, I let the tears flow down my cheeks, not caring anymore. God, I missed them both so much it hurt.

  “Maddie, what happened?” she asked, her voice filled with worry.

  I shook my head, unable to stop crying, not willing to tell her.

  “Honey, I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong,” she said, stroking my back gently as I cried.

  Taking a deep breath, I pulled my tattered self together as best as I could. “Ask your brother,” I said, wrenching away from her and heading toward the staircase up to the apartment.