Heart Breaths

by Hendin, KK

  My mouth dropped open. Grandma Evelyn was a Remington-Bayliss? The Remington-Bayliss family ran the New York socialite scene. Rich to levels that most people couldn’t even fathom, and having more connections than a phone book. Having the stamp of approval from a Remington-Bayliss basically assured your position in life. If you got on the wrong side of a Remington-Bayliss? There were rumors of what happened then. And they were all true.

  “I’m sure you know my brothers, Charles and Joseph Remington-Bayliss? And you may have heard of my late husband, James Alvin Bryar. I’m sure you have. Funny, what a small world it is, isn’t it? And even though I live in the middle of Nowheresville, as you so quaintly described it, we still have telephones down here, and I’m sure Emily, my sister-in-law, would be fascinated to hear about your visit down here. She so appreciates a good story like that, and if I hear anything back from all my friends up in New York? I will definitely be including that in the next chat I have with her.”

  Jen’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times as she stared at Grandma Evelyn in disbelief. I knew her brain was working overtime, trying to figure out if Grandma was telling the truth, or was a truly excellent liar.

  I had been in school with Charlotte Remington-Bayliss. We never really were friends, seeing as I was never cool enough for her. But I did remember hearing her mention something about an aunt who lived in the South.

  By the look on Jen’s face, she had probably come to the same conclusion.

  Her face ashen, she turned around and headed to where a clueless Crawford waited by the car. “Let’s go,” I heard her say. “I hope the new house is in a better neighborhood than this.”

  I waited until the car drove off before bursting into tears.

  “It’s okay,” Sam crooned as she rushed over to me and hugged me. “It’s okay.”

  “Don’t take this the wrong way, Mads, but your sister is a bitch,” drawled Mary Elizabeth.

  I laughed through my tears. Mary Elizabeth, as always, was right.

  I turned to Grandma, who was standing there, looking the same way that she always did. “You’re a Remington-Bayliss?” I asked, sniffling a bit.

  She nodded. “Honey, family is only a name if you make more of yourself than they do,” she said. “James and I moved down here a little after we got married—neither of us were interested in the New York social scene, and bless their souls, my family forgave us for it.”

  “Forgave you?” Hannah asked. “What did they have to forgive you for?”

  “Moving to North Carolina,” Grandma said, her drawl returning.

  I took a deep, shuddering breath. “Thank you for sticking up for me,” I said. “You didn’t have to.”

  “Didn’t have to,” scoffed Mary Elizabeth. “Considering your sister, maybe you never learned this growing up. That’s what families do, silly girl. They stick up for each other.”

  “That’s what we do for the people we love,” Sam said, echoing back the words I had spit at Diane when she was in the café.

  Grandma walked over and put her hands on my cheeks. “You okay there, love?”

  “I think so,” I whispered.

  “Take the time that you need before coming back in,” she said, heading back toward the café.

  “What are you three doing here?” I asked, leaning back against the wall.

  Sam scowled. “I walked in a minute after she did, for my second cup of coffee. Once I figured out who she was, I texted Hannah and Mary Elizabeth to get over here, because I thought that she might start something like that.”

  She shook her head, disgusted. “Jesus, Maddie, no wonder you left.”

  I smiled shakily. “And you never met my mother,” I said, feeling my lips quirk up.

  “And please God we never will,” Hannah drawled. Coming over, she gave me a fierce hug. “I have to get back to studying,” she said. “But when you’re feeling up to it, we’ll go back to Farley’s and test his amps.”

  I hugged her back, grateful on more levels than I thought possible. “Thanks. Thanks for coming to kick my sister’s butt.”

  She smiled. “Anytime, darlin’. Next time we’ll bring the boys—they do love a good show.”

  I laughed as she jogged off, back to studying.

  “I should go, too,” Mary Elizabeth said, hugging me. “You’re gonna be okay, Maddie?”

  “I think so,” I said, smiling.

  She squeezed my hands. “You’re gonna be fine, hon,” she said. “I promise.”

  “How did I get so lucky?” I asked as Mary Elizabeth walked away.

  “You’ve got good karma,” Sam said, leaning on the wall beside me.

  “I never thought I did,” I said thoughtfully. “But you may be right.”

  “I’m always right,” she said, a smug smile spreading across her face. “That’s why we’re friends.”

  “That must be it,” I replied.

  The sound of Sam’s phone jolted me out of the bubble of thankfulness I had been floating in. “Oh, shoot, it’s Jessica,” Sam said, glancing at her phone. “Jess? I’ll be back in a few. Sorry, something came up… sure. Thanks.” Hanging up, she looked at me. “I’ve got to go back to the salon,” she said.

  “Not without your caffeine,” I said, leading her through the back door. “You deserve a medal, Sam.”

  She laughed. “No, honey, I deserve coffee.”

  “Always,” I said, handing her a cup. Sobering up, I looked at her and could feel the tears start again. “Thank you, Sam,” I whispered, leaning over and hugging her. “Thank you.”

  Hugging me back, she smiled. “We’re going to fix everything, Maddie,” she whispered. “And soon you’re going to be the one with the sexy stories.”

  “Oh my God, you and your dirty mind!” I laughed, trying not to think too hard about any sexy stories I could have. “Don’t worry, Sam. Really.”

  She shook her head. “Not having this conversation now,” she said, picking up her coffee. “I have some hair to cut. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  I nodded and watched her breeze out of the café.

  “You okay, Maddie?” Grandma asked me that night as we cleaned up the café.

  I shrugged. Was I okay? I didn’t know.

  “I guess so,” I said, picking up a chair.

  I swept under the table, thinking. “Grandma?” I asked.

  “Hmm?”

  “Did you know?”

  “Did I know what?” she asked.

  “Who I was, when I came here the first time?”

  Grandma smiled. “The first time you walked in? I didn’t know who you specifically were, but I knew where you were from,” she replied. “You can’t really hide an upbringing like yours so easily, Madeline. But when you asked me about the job, and told me your full name, I realized who you were.”

  “It didn’t make a difference to you?” I asked.

  “Why would it?”

  I shrugged. It had always made a difference. Always. Be it positive or negative, having someone know who I was always changed things. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “But it seems to always have a way of creeping up on me.”

  “Honey, everyone’s past has ways of sneaking up on them,” she said. “You just have to be in a place in the present that you’re strong enough to deal with when your past comes to visit.”

  “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”

  “Your past just came knocking this afternoon. You’re fine.”

  I tilted my head to look at her, trying to figure out if she was serious.

  “You have people who love you here, Madeline. You have family here. The family that you chose for yourself. Trust me when I tell you, you’re strong enough.”

  I had family here. I did.

  A real family this time.

  Walking over to her, I leaned over and hugged her. “I love you, Grandma,” I said, feeling myself get choked up.

  “I love you, too, darling,” she replied. “You know you always have me now, don�
��t you. Wherever you end up—if you decide to stay here or keep going. You can’t lose me now, baby girl.”

  “I’ll try not to,” I said, sniffling.

  Handing me a handkerchief, she patted my back. “You won’t,” she said. “I promise.”

  I had just crawled into bed when I felt my cell phone vibrate. It’s not Gabe, I scolded myself as I reached for it. You have to stop thinking like that.

  It was easier said than done.

  God, I missed him. I missed sitting on his couch, talking about anything and everything. I missed snuggling up with Noie, and drawing pictures with her. I missed listening to her giggle as she made up her own jokes, and tried to tickle Gabe. I missed her singing songs and mangling the words, I missed him sitting at his table, working. I missed the calm that only came from sitting next to him, head on his chest, listening to his heart beat, reminding me to let my heart breathe.

  I didn’t know if I knew how to breathe without him.

  If I was even doing a good job of it, or if I was slowly suffocating again.

  “Hello?”

  “Maddie!” Sam. “You busy now?”

  Nope, just moping about your brother. “No, what’s up?”

  Her voice turned cajoling. “Can I ask you for a favor?” she asked sweetly.

  I pretty much owed her my life. “Sure,” I replied. “What’s up?”

  She sighed. “Well, Mom and Dad’s thirtieth anniversary is tomorrow, and they made me swear that I wouldn’t throw them an anniversary party, and that under no circumstances was I allowed to make a big deal about it, because they don’t want to do anything huge now, since there’s going to be the big Fourth of July thing soon, so we’re going to combine it then. But I wanted to do something special for them on their actual anniversary.”

  “What did you have in mind?” I asked, trying to figure out how I fit in to her plans.

  “Well, you know that every couple has a song?” she asked.

  Did I? “I guess,” I replied.

  “Well, Mom and Dad’s song is an Alberto Montañez song—it’s the song they danced to at their wedding, and Mom cries every time Dad sings it to her.” I smiled, thinking of the whirlwind that was Mrs. Mendez getting all teary eyed when her husband sang to her. “We have a piano in the house—the people who lived in the house before we did didn’t take it with them. It’s tuned and everything. I wanted to know,” she paused, “please, please, please, if you could come over tomorrow night and play their song for them?”

  I smiled. “Of course,” I replied, touched that she called me for help. “Which Alberto song is it?”

  “‘Mi Corazón No Puede Parar Amar de Usted’,” she replied. “You sure it’s okay?”

  “I’m positive,” I replied.

  “You are the best. I’ll talk to you tomorrow and give you all the details then, okay?”

  “Sure,” I leaned back onto my pillows.

  “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. “Good night, Maddie.”

  “Good night,” I said, hanging up the phone. Flipping off the lamp, I snuggled into my bed. What did it feel like, to be married to the same person for thirty years?

  I thought of my parents and the very civilized marriage they had. Civilized, and completely impersonal. Marriage was supposed to be the joining of two hearts and two lives—but all marriage ever did for my parents was join two bank accounts, and not even.

  If I ever get married, I thought, feeling my eyelids droop, it’s going to be for real.

  Chapter · Twenty-Three

  “They’re not back yet,” Sam said as she opened the door. “They went out to dinner, and should be home soon.”

  “Great,” I said, wiping my hands on the sides of my shorts. Why was I so nervous?

  “Here, let me show you the piano,” she said, leading me through the house toward the back room.

  It was a music room. The walls were decorated with old record covers and music sheets, with big windows looking out to the backyard. A baby grand piano sat in the middle of the room. My mouth dropped open. “And they just left this here?” I asked, walking over to the piano, flabbergasted. “Why would you just leave this behind?”

  She shrugged. “I have no idea,” she said. “Honestly, they were a little suspicious—so maybe they were running away from the law or something.”

  Laughing, I ran my hands over the piano. There had been one here the whole time! One that I could have been playing… I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “Well, that’s one possibility,” I said, sliding onto the bench and letting my fingers find the keys. “Do any of you play piano?”

  “Mom does a little, I think,” she said, sitting down next to me, watching my fingers drift across the keys, picking out a soft lullaby. “But that’s it.”

  “So you guys just have a music room?”

  “Well, Gabe used to play violin, and my Dad has been known to play the guitar on occasion,” she said as the music floated gently around us. The sound of a car pulling up made my fingers freeze. It was a good thing I hadn’t put up the top of the piano yet. “I’ll go and see who it is,” Sam said, sliding off the bench. “Stay here.”

  I nodded, getting up and picking up the top of the piano as Sam jogged to the front door.

  “Gabe!” I heard her exclaim in surprise.

  My heart dropped.

  “I finished a lot earlier than I thought I would,” he said, his deep voice carrying through the silent house and causing shivers to race up and down my spine. “So Noie and I came by to say happy anniversary.”

  “They’re not back yet,” Sam said, her voice getting closer. I froze in my seat by the piano. Could I do this? Could I look him in the eye and pretend everything was okay?

  “Maddie!” Noie yelled, barreling toward me. Reaching out, I let her collide into my arms, the feeling of hugging her one I had missed so much it hurt.

  “Hey, baby girl,” I whispered, rocking her gently and placing a kiss on her forehead. Not looking up. “I missed you.”

  “I missed you!” she replied, snuggling into my lap and patting me. “You’re at Grandma and Abuelo’s house!”

  “I am,” I agreed, smiling down at her darling little face.

  She frowned. “Why aren’t you at my house?” she asked, pouting.

  “Well, you’re not there either now,” I replied, trying to think as quickly as I could.

  “Maddie.”

  Gabe.

  Taking a deep breath and keeping my arms around Noie for courage, I looked up. “Hi, Gabe,” I said, hoping I didn’t sound like just looking at him made my heart splinter.

  Sam stood silently at the door, watching. “Maddie, we have to talk,” Gabe said, his voice low and rasping.

  I shook my head. Not now. I couldn’t do this now. “I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t, Gabe.”

  The sound of a car pulling up to the house startled everyone. “I’ll go get them,” Sam said, a smile flashing across her face as she turned and headed to the front door.

  “Maddie.”

  “Not now.”

  “Later?” he asked as Noie squirmed off my lap and wandered around the room.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know,” I said, as the sound of the Mendezes drifted toward us. Show time.

  Placing my fingers on the keys, I started to play, letting the melody float through the room. “Oh, Carlos, is that what I think it is?” Mrs. Mendez asked as they walked into the room.

  “Esta noche, te canto una canción,” he began, his eyes suspiciously bright as he gathered her into his arms and began to sway.

  “Para mostrarle cómo te amo así,

  No sé si hay palabras que siquiera le mostrará.”

  The sound of a violin startled me, nearly causing me to stop playing. Standing in the corner, his eyes closed, stood Gabe, coaxing magic out of a violin. My eyes burned as Mr. Mendez continued to sing, tears streaming down his cheeks.

  “Solo lo que hace a mí,

  Haces que el luz de sol todos l
os días de mi vida.”

  Noie sat there, at Gabe’s feet, watching him, entranced. Sam stood by the doorway, hands wrapped around herself, crying silently, as we played through to the end. There was a magic that had settled over the room, one that I couldn’t bring myself to break. Hoping he knew the song well enough to play along, I slowly transitioned from Alberto to Christina Perri.

  “A Thousand Years.”

  Mr. Mendez didn’t know the words. I hadn’t expected him to. The two of them swayed, wrapped in a bubble of the same love that had carried them through thirty years of ups and downs.

  The only sounds in the room were the sounds of the piano and the violin, dancing together in the sea air, wrapping around everyone.

  I let the last notes drift off, as Gabe put down the violin, his expression unreadable. Mrs. Mendez untangled herself from her husband’s arms, tears rolling down her face. “Gabriel, my Gabriel,” she said brokenly, wrapping her arms around him and rocking him side to side like a baby. “You played?”

  “For you,” he said, his voice sounding suspiciously close to tears.

  Standing up slowly, I walked toward the door. This wasn’t a place for me to be right now.

  Blinking my eyes rapidly and trying not to cry, I inched toward the door, only to have Mr. Mendez stop me and give me a tight hug. “Gracias, mija,” he whispered.

  “Feliz aniversario,” I said, smiling.

  Slipping past through the front door, I made my way back to the beach, toward the sand dunes that hid me away from the rest of the world.

  Leaning against the side of a sand dune, I tried to regulate my breathing with the sounds of the ocean.

  Would this endless cycle of heartbreak ever end?

  “Maddie?”

  I flinched at the sound of his voice. He slid down next to me in the sand, smelling of sawdust and sunshine.