I smile at Leila’s excited chattering and go over to kiss Rain and Pop, who look as excited as they do worried.
“She’ll be just fine. Don’t worry about a thing. You know Bear and his orders. The baby is probably coming because he told him to, and the birth will go just fine because the big boss is barking orders left and right.”
They laugh at my teasing tone, and I see Pop release a long breath, his shoulders losing the tightness while Rain leans in to pat his leg.
“She’s right, Al. Everything will be just fine. We just have to sit here and wait for our grandson.”
I feel better somehow and fall into a seat beside Lynx and Teeny, avoiding the only other open seat beside Hawk. His eyes narrow, but it’s not like he can say a thing about my avoidance anyway.
The waiting room alternates between silence and laughter, our way of dealing with the stress when an hour, two, three pass without a word from Bear.
I’m just about to ask if I can get some food or coffee for anyone when the door bangs against the wall and the big bad Bear bursts in, smiling so brightly I gasp and feel my mouth stretch into a grin.
“He’s huge! So big, Ma. And Danny threatened to kill me if I ever did this to her again. They’re both fine.”
Everyone cheers and jumps up to congratulate him, while I stay seated, a grumbling Tammy curled up on my lap since I’m the only one who could get her to stop fussing and settle down.
It takes another hour of waiting before they’re ready for us to see Danny, and I’m flagging as I rise to my feet with Tammy cuddled to my neck and follow Leila and Lyon.
The hospital staff make noises about us all trooping in, but Bear just snarls at them, and it’s as one big family that we welcome Falcon Wylder into the fold.
He’s big, really long for a baby, and just as I predicted, he looks like a squishy little bundle with absolutely no defining features but for the scowl he throws us when we disturb him.
We laugh at that because he looks so much like Bear when he frowns and lets off an imperious wail that it’s adorable.
“God almighty. Just like his dad,” Danny giggles tiredly, cuddling her kid to her breast with a look of love so profound I choke up and have to bite my lips to stop from crying.
None of us but Rain and Pop get to hold him, and I giggle at Danny, who tells us all to get gone and leave her kid alone. She’s so possessive and fierce I’m not sure poor Rain will have much joy from him for at least the first three months.
“Congratulations,” I murmur, kissing Danny softly and giving her a smile before stepping away.
“Thanks, Meek.”
“Okay! Time for you all to skedaddle. My wife needs her rest,” Bear proclaims after ten minutes of us all cooing and trying to get a touch of the little prince.
I leave with Tammy still cradled against me and end up driving with Hawk, who won’t take no for an answer because Tammy won’t let go of me and I can’t take her home since Teeny looks like she’s ready to have a breakdown without her own kid by her side.
“I need to go get my car,” I say when we reach Lynx’s place and I’m able to transfer a sleeping Tammy to her father, his smile huge when he gets her before Teeny can.
Hawk grunts at me and waves Lynx inside before grabbing my hand and towing me across the drive to his house.
“You’re too exhausted to be behind the wheel. You’re with me today, and don’t argue or I’ll take you right here in the yard, and screw everyone who has a goddamned word to say about it!”
Okay!
“Geez,” I mumble, kicking off my shoes in his front hall and going for the couch.
He snarls again, the only sound he’s capable of right now, I guess, and scoops me up over his shoulder, slapping my ass, which still is not decent. Let me tell ya, juggling a two-year-old while trying to keep my naked bits concealed is not easy.
“I want to be alone.”
“Too bad, because you’re with me. Now hush and let’s get some sleep, babe. The waiting was exhausting, and I need some sleep.”
He sets me down on the bed gently, rolls me to my stomach, and has my dress off so fast I gasp at the audacity he has.
Hawk just mutters under his breath when I scramble beneath the covers and strips himself bare before sliding in and pulling my back to his front. I would be turned on right now, but I’m tired, and anyway, what I need isn’t sex or the fog of sex to cloud my feelings.
I need comfort and warmth because I’m close to not keeping myself together, and I do not want to cry. I will if he so much as kisses me. I just know it.
“You okay?”
Not now. I do not want to talk right now.
“No! I want to go home,” I snarl, contradicting myself by snuggling closer so my ass cradles his soft shaft.
“You’re staying. We’re going to sleep at least half the day away, and then I’ll make you lunch and we talk.”
“Don’t wanna talk to you about anything.”
“Did you see an expression on my face at any one point that suggests I care what you want? We’re talking about shit later whether you want to or not, so suck it up, lady.”
Huh! All I do is suck it up, and look where I am now, halfway to in love with a big grunting Neanderthal and a messed-up lady bag with shriveled eggs and no freaking options, I think, kicking him just to show my displeasure.
He chuckles and pulls me closer, palming my breast to show me exactly what he thinks of my anger.
“You’re upset, and I don’t like it. You’ve been upset since you ran into the hospital, and it’s been hard for me to give you space, but I have.”
“You call this space, Hawk? This is not space! This is you having sex with me in a linen closet and then giving me a second to breathe while you plotted ways to get your way. Space would have been taking me home just now, not throwing me over your shoulder and acting like a beast,” I mumble, hiding my smile when he huffs and shifts uncomfortably.
“That’s about as good as it gets with me. So, now, since you aren’t going to sleep and you’re already wound tighter than a spring, wanna tell me what’s upset you so much?” he asks softly, keeping me trapped against him when I try to move away.
“Would you let me go!”
“Nope. I already tried that once and spent weeks jerking off because I can’t get it up for other women. You’re here, and you’re staying even if I have to tie you to the bed and make love to you until all you want is me,” he threatens darkly.
My lips twitch, mostly at the thought of the great man losing his shine when he tried to pseudo cheat on me. Look, I know we aren’t together, but that’s what it feels like, hearing him say he was going to be with some other chick.
Asshole.
“You tried to have sex with other women?” I say darkly, my tone soft and deceptively even while inside I’d really like to rip his entrails out and wear them as a necklace.
Hawk grunts and rolls me over, coming to an elbow above me.
“You told me to get lost, so, yeah, I got mad and tried to move on. Didn’t work though, so you can stop inching that hand down to my cock, Mika. It’s already yours,” he says solemnly, giving me pause.
I’m surprised, not at all prepared for the ramifications of his softly spoken words, but I feel my chest tighten to an unbearable ache when he looks down at me and grins.
“You gonna say something or just gape at me?”
“I, uh, don’t know what to say,” I answer honestly, choking up when he pecks my lips and pulls back with a sigh.
“Say you want to be with me and that we can try for…I don’t know what we can try for, but whatever it ends up being, I just want it with you. I am not gonna lie and tell you I’m madly in love. I just…I haven’t ever loved a woman, so this shit is all new to me. And I won’t tell you that we’ll get engaged and get married, because I’m not sure I even want that, but I do want you, Mika, and I’m not going to let you say no.”
His arrogance astounds me, thrills me, and ticks
me off. Who the hell ever asked for any of that, huh? I’m not in a good place, and right now, the thought of all that hoopla makes my nipples shrivel. I have my own stuff churning around in my gut and head. I don’t need him warning me off while telling me I’m not leaving him.
“So, let me get this straight. You want to be with me, but you’re saying that you’re not willing to commit?”
He pauses and frowns, shaking his head as if not quite sure how to answer this.
“I don’t know. Honestly? I haven’t ever thought in terms of all that stuff. All I know is that I care about you, more than I have for a woman. I like being with you, talking to you, and the sex is out of this world good. I don’t want to lose that. If you need pretty words and a promise that I won’t cheat or walk out on you, you have it. When I couldn’t…when you wouldn’t let me be there for you with those tests and your results, it seriously pissed me off! I should have been there, and I will be in the future no matter what happens or how bent out of shape you are.”
His voice is hard and unyielding, and I find myself smirking because he’s so…him. He just tells people what he wants or fights his way to getting it. I really love that about him, as well as adoring the way he doesn’t seem able to stop touching my face.
“I can’t have children,” I say, wanting it all out there before we decide on anything concrete. “That last little percent that was keeping my hope alive is gone. I won’t ever get pregnant or…I don’t know where we’re going with this thing, but if it gets to love, which I hope it does, I will never give you children,” I say solemnly, sadly, because it hurts.
I’d kill to have a little tow-haired boy with his eyes, gnawing at my leg and grunting like a feral animal. We’d have beautiful babies together, and it’s painful to know that I just…can’t.
Hawk sighs, his eyes going soft as a tear slips free and tracks down to my hair.
“You think that matters to me? I don’t…the truth is that I don’t think I want any of that, and yeah, maybe it’s selfish, but I’ve had all the responsibility I can stomach. I want to live and do things with you that we can’t do if we have little kids hanging on you. I want to go to Italy, Spain, Jamaica. I want to spend weekends making love to you and not have to move unless we get hungry. I want sex in the pool at midnight and you running around the house naked because I like seeing your body. I just want you. That’s all,” he whispers, licking my tears away with a smile. “The question is, am I enough for you?”
I cry out and kiss him, crying and laughing because he just gave me a freedom I haven’t ever had. I don’t have to feel sad, guilty, broken, because to him I am enough.
Maybe he doesn’t love me. Maybe we’ll get to the end of this thing with me brokenhearted and him moving on, but right now, I love him, and yes, he is enough.
“Make love to me?”
He grins, the answer to his question clear, and kisses me, pushing the sheet away with a growl.
“That’s the right answer. Now, no more tears, yeah? Me and you, we don’t need promises and pictures in our heads of what will be. Remember what I said, Mika. We live right now and…”
“Screw the world,” I finish, licking his mouth to get my tongue inside.
I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with not having kids. Maybe that’s just programmed into my DNA, and I will forever feel incomplete and pine for it.
But I can’t change any of it, and he’s right. Right now, all I want, all I need, is a man who looks at me as if I’m sexy and perfect and everything he wants.
Will that be enough?
I can’t answer that honestly because I have no guarantees and the crystal ball I’ve been searching for isn’t at hand.
I have him though, and right now, that’s all I need.
Chapter Thirteen
Hawk
My balls are on fire and my ass is melting in a pool of heat as I squat down beside Brass and keep a bird’s eye view on the government building where we’re reconing a foreign diplomat with very questionable assets.
I’ve been stuck in this pit for two weeks straight, eating and sleeping in an abandoned warehouse where all we have is two cots and bottled water to drink and maybe rinse off the worst of the stink.
Brass has been in seventh heaven though, his smile never fading because the freak lives for these jobs and doesn’t seem aware of how gross it is to smell like old balls most of the time.
I wouldn’t mind either. Hell, I’ve been here many times before, and being dirty and trapped is just part of the job I love. But here’s the thing. I miss Mika.
I haven’t talked to her in almost a week because Bear snarled at me to conserve the power on my satellite phone and not give our positions away by making battery swaps every other day.
I’d have broken his face wide open if he was here and asked him how he’d feel if he couldn’t talk to Danny for weeks. That had me pausing because I haven’t ever felt the need to be this way before and, honest to hell, it scares me to think that I’ve become so dependent on Mika that being away from her makes me ache.
“Stop sulking! You’ll see her in a bit. We should have this wrapped up in another week, max,” Brass mutters, readjusting his scope while I sit back against the wall and ignore the filth on the floor beneath me.
“I’m not sulking. I’m just not feeling this dirt anymore.”
“Duuuude, this is not dirty. My team and I went into the foothills in Afghanistan one time on a recon and stayed there for almost four weeks. We smelled so bad by the time we got back to base even the other guys stayed away until we showered. I’d have burned my uniform if I didn’t think they’d charge me for the shit,” he laughs, making me smile.
No, I may not know what that’s like, because I’ve never truly been to war but for those few months that I trained with some of America’s elite at Bear’s command.
It was great. I went out to Afghanistan as a freelancer after I completed training, and I saw a lot, but I wasn’t cleared to go on missions since the powers that be weren’t willing to have Bear up their asses if I got my ass shot up.
This is okay though. I have this job, and despite my feelings when I was younger, I like it. I’m good at it. I know how to read people, and blowing shit up is every man’s dream. Or it should be.
But I stink, I’m disgusted with the smell of my teammate, and I miss Mika. It’s that simple.
“She’s probably at home by now, watching TV and eating cookies.”
Brass snorts and casts me an amused look because of all of my friends, he’s really the only one I talk to. Everyone else steers clear, and even my brothers know I don’t do the heart-to-heart crap most guys pretend never gets said.
Brass is my buddy though, and years spent with the guy covering my ass has formed a bond that isn’t ever going to break.
“Yeah. Or washing her hair. Or doing a million other things chicks do when they have time away from their men. I’m glad you have her. Have I told you that yet? It’s been a wish of mine that you find a good woman, someone to fill in the dark places. I’m happy for you, man.”
His serious, almost somber tone gives me pause, and I look at him with a question burning in my eyes.
“What’s up?”
He sighs, and I watch him adjust the scope again and shrug.
“You know, before I enlisted, I was in love with this girl back home?”
“No. You never said anything.”
“Well, I was. Her name was Daisy Carter, and she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. She had hair the color of sunset all the way down to her fine ass, and these eyes that were a clear, almost ice blue. I was in senior year when I got up the guts to ask her out, and man oh man, I remember being so nervous I almost puked when I walked up to her,” he says with a grin, making me chuckle and tease him.
“That’s because you’re a pussy, man.”
“Shut up, idiot. I’m telling you something deep here. Daisy, she was just cool, man. Pretty and smart and sweet. I looke
d at her and just wanted her. She wasn’t popular or anything, just this pretty small-town girl who I adored. So, I asked her out and she said yeah, yeah, because she liked me too.”
He laughs, and I get the feeling this story isn’t going to end well, because I know Brass, and if he loved her, I would see her, know her, because he’s the kinda guy who’d never let go or just walk away.
“We were together for three months when her parents decided they were going away for the summer to visit relatives. I begged her not to go, had my parents swearing high and low she’d stay with us but she’d be chaperoned the entire time. I loved her, and I didn’t want to spend months without her.”
“She didn’t stay,” I say softly.
“Nah. Her dad wouldn’t budge. Said he wasn’t leaving his daughter with a little shit with stars in his eyes. Which was totally true. I’d already debauched my fairest love, and we were hot and heavy by the time he pulled me aside and threatened to kill me. Yeah. So, anyway, she had to leave. So, I kissed her goodbye, long and hard and knowing that I would be miserable for the time she was away.”
I feel him now because it’s only been two weeks but I miss Mika’s smile and her smell and holding her after hot sex. I just miss her, and even knowing I’m okay doing this job, even happy to be here, I want to go home to her.
“She fall in love with some surfer boy and break your heart?” I ask.
Brass scowls and shakes his head, gulping at me with eyes so empty and sorrowful I almost tell him not to finish the story.
“Their car was hit by a semi halfway to California. Her dad died instantly, and her mom died in the hospital a day after.”
Shit. Hell. I knew this story wouldn’t end well, but fuck!
“Daisy?”
“Was in a coma for weeks, and when she finally woke up…she wasn’t the girl I loved. She’d sustained a head injury that totally messed her up. She couldn’t walk or talk or feed herself. She was like a little kid. But I loved her, ya know?” he rasps, still staring out of the scope as if by keeping his eye on the target he can keep himself together.
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