by Alexis Anne
Marie knew how to hit me where it hurt. I needed to remember to never piss her off again.
“Look, I’m not saying it has to make sense to you, but it did to me at the time. The last woman I loved this much died beside me. I blamed myself and I couldn’t fix it. The idea I might hurt you too…was more than I could handle.”
She stiffened and turned pale. “Excuse me?” she whispered.
“I love you, Marie. Very much. I’m an idiot and an asshole. I’ve already proven to you that I do a damn good job of ruining perfectly good things. But this asshole loves you and I’m working on being good enough for you.” I shrugged, trying to play things off like I hadn’t just poured my heart out. “I’m not asking for anything from you. But if and when you’re ready for more, I’ll be here. Waiting.”
She stared at me with her mouth open and her eyes just about popping out of her head. “You love me?”
I nodded slowly, that insane level of fear finally evaporating. Now I felt nothing but confidence when I looked at Marie. “I do.”
“And you felt now was the time to finally say that.”
Finally. The way she said that kinda hurt. “I didn’t understand it before, and I missed the opportunity to tell you. So I’m telling you now. Here.”
She shook her head slowly as if she were trying to erase what I’d said. “And you’re just going to wait for me?”
I looked her right in the eye. “That’s exactly what I’m going to do.” For however long it took. Forever if I had to.
“You broke up with me.”
“And that was a mistake.”
She put her hands up in front of me like she was going to strangle me, and then let them fall back to her sides. “I don’t even know what to do with you right now.”
“You don’t have to do anything. I’m the asshole. I made the mistakes. I left you when I should have turned to you for help. I can promise you right now, I learned how incredibly stupid I was, and I will do whatever it takes to win you back. You can punish me however you see fit. You can take as much time as you need. I’ll wait.”
She made a frustrated little scream in the back of her throat. “You are easily the most frustrating man I’ve ever met.”
“Only because you love me.”
“You’re an ass.”
I grinned and took a sip of my drink, the ice moving around in the glass. “That’s a fact.” I stepped up into her, remembering the way I’d done the same thing the night we met. “And you like that I’m an ass. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better, faster.” I kissed her lightly on the cheek, feeling her sway a little. I put a steadying hand on the small of her back as I reached behind her and set my empty glass on the bar.
I smiled down at her completely confused face. “I’ll be seeing you around.”
“We’ll see about that,” she whispered.
According to Grace, Marie was a roller coaster when it came to me. She loved me one second and wanted to chase me with a hacksaw the next. I’d decided when we devised this plan that I would say what needed saying and walk away, giving her time to process my news.
Giving her time to fall back into love with me.
She wouldn’t be able to do that if she was too busy trying to kill me. So I turned around and went straight home, leaving the woman I loved to figure out what she wanted.
Chapter Thirty-Four
“I’m not leaving.” Grace glared at me.
“I want to be alone.”
“And what? Stare at the wall? Cry yourself to sleep? Drink a bottle of wine alone? Hell no.”
All three of those were, unfortunately, valid options. Natalie was at a Clarissa’s for the night, so yeah, staring at a wall and crying with a bottle of wine in my hand sounded pretty damn appealing. “Gracie…”
“What? I’m serious, Marie. You shouldn’t be alone at a time like this.”
“A time like what, exactly?” I hadn’t told her anything about our conversation, but it was probably obvious to anyone that I was freaking the fuck out.
Greg loved me.
I mean, I knew he loved me, but it was the first time he’d said it. And it wasn’t just words, it was in his eyes, too. He meant everything he said.
“A time like Greg,” Grace scoffed like I was an idiot. “You need to figure out what you want, Marie.”
I buried my face in my hands. “I want it to be easy. I want him to love me, and me to love him, and for it to be simple and beautiful.”
She took me by the elbow and led me back into the living room, grabbing a box of tissues off the side table along the way. “You look like you had your heart ripped out of your chest and held in front of your face to examine while it was still beating.”
“So you’re saying I look good?”
She shook her head and sat down. “You have a good man that is madly in love with you. That sounds pretty simple to me.”
“I don’t think there is anything about this that is simple. Let’s review the facts, shall we? I have a daughter and an ex who intentionally drove Greg away. Greg has a broken heart that he hasn’t forgiven himself for.”
Grace rolled her eyes and waved me off. “I hear nothing but a bunch of words right now. Blah, blah, blah. You’re scared, just like he was.”
“Have you been talking to him?” Grace was acting like she knew exactly what was going on in Greg’s head.
“Yes.”
Well, at least she wasn’t lying to my face, there was that. And I couldn’t quite find it in me to be mad.
“He stopped in earlier this week and told me all about what he’s been doing. Then he asked me to help him get some face time with you.”
That explained the sudden need to go back to Time Lounge. “So you think I’m scared?”
She cocked her head. “Besides me and Natalie, how many other people are you totally natural with? You play a role at work—the one Edward has groomed you to fulfill. You play mom with the other mom’s at school. You play super cool, relaxed Marie with your new running friends, but that’s only one part of you.”
I shrugged. This was exactly what I was working on. I didn’t want to play parts anymore. I just wanted to be me. To be happy.
“Exactly. With Greg, you put down all your walls and stopped acting. You were just you. And it had to hurt like hell when he shut you off. It probably felt like a betrayal after everything you put out there. I know that’s how I’d feel.”
My head started to throb and I rubbed my temples. Everything Grace was saying was true, even if I didn’t like hearing it.
It was exciting and terrifying to see Greg standing across the bar just like the night we met. I didn’t even care if it was a setup. It made me remember the way my heart had dropped out of my chest the moment his eyes met mine.
The way my body vibrated with need when his gravelly voice offered me an orgasm.
The confidence I felt to be myself.
It reminded me of every single reason I fell in love with him. “Okay, so I’m scared. I think that’s totally logical.”
“So do I.”
“I don’t want to love him—not until I know how to get through to him when he’s in trouble. He knew exactly what to do when Edward was here. He was everything I needed. But I didn’t know what to do for him when he needed help. I want to give him what he gave me.”
I realized I wasn’t scared that Greg would hurt me or break my heart. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to give him what he needed. That I couldn’t love him as much as he needed to be loved. I wanted our relationship to work both ways—not just in one direction. Sure I enjoyed the benefits of having a great guy dote on me. And I absolutely loved that he was able to see what I needed when I couldn’t. But I would always be scared that our relationship was one bad day away from falling apart, until I learned how to break down Greg’s walls.
*****
I’m not sure what the protocol is when your ex-boyfriend comes out of the woodwork and proclaims his love, but it probably wasn’t to avoi
d him at all costs for two weeks…which is exactly what I did.
Not because I wanted to hurt him or punish him—I wasn’t trying to pay him back the courtesy of leaving.
I needed time to learn. He said he’d be waiting for me when I was ready, so I was holding him to that.
Eve knew what was going on. She was my partner in crime for this. I figured if Greg could use Grace to get to me, then I could use Eve to get to him. Of course she took the opportunity to fill my ears with her thoughts on how long to make Greg suffer. I was surprised that she was a fan of drawing it out. According to her, it made getting back together easier if you knew for sure that you had enough time to be angry first.
“So even though he loves me and I love him…even though I’m ready to forget all the crap and get back together…you think I should pretend I’m still angry?”
“Yes,” Eve said flatly and rolled her eyes. “If you run straight back into his arms you’ll just end up getting mad at him again. There will be too much hidden resentment that you haven’t properly let out yet. Let him dangle at the end of the line for a little longer.”
I cocked an eyebrow.
“What? He’s not going anywhere.” And then she scowled at me. “And neither are you.”
“Did you play Jake like this?” I was honestly a little shocked. I liked to think of those two as magically perfect.
Eve looked away and blushed. “Not consciously. But when I look back I realize I dragged things out a little longer than I should have…”
I pretended to look shocked.
She shrugged. “I think it was for the best. Like I said, when we did get back together, I was ready. This is why I am giving you my hard earned and sage advice.”
“I think you may have a much more devious streak than I ever realized.”
“Girls have to have their secret weapons. Apparently one of mine is watching people squirm.”
There was something to be said for taking my time. My anger lessened every day and I knew when I finally saw Greg that I wouldn’t want to yell or be angry anymore. I just hoped what I’d done didn’t make Greg angry.
I quizzed Jake and Eve. We had a long night of talking. Jake did most of it, clueing me in to the reasons Greg had avoided his past for so long, to the guilt and the ways he punished himself. It broke my heart to hear it all. I just wanted Greg to have a good life, and I couldn’t imagine anyone in his family, or Jenn’s, feeling any different.
Which was why my next move was to call Brandon.
“I assume this is about school?” he asked coolly. Way too coolly.
“No. Wait, what?”
The line was silent for longer than I liked. “Natalie and I have been discussing her coming to school here next year.”
“What!” I shrieked. I was already anxious and angry, now my blood pressure was through the damn roof.
“It’s a really good school, Marie. And she is my daughter, too. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world for her to live with me for a year or two.”
I didn’t know if I was repulsed by the idea of Natalie living with Brandon instead of me, or just angry that I hadn’t heard about it from her first. And then an idea I really didn’t like hit me. “Is this is about Greg?”
The line was freakishly silent again. “Yes and no. Is this phone call about Greg?”
It was my turn to let the line go silent. I counted backward from ten, letting my breath out slowly before I spoke. I was really glad he was on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean so I couldn’t accidentally kill him with my bare hands in a fit of insanity.
“Yes. Natalie informed me that you had some things to say about him.”
“Yes, I did. I don’t think he’s the best person to have around my daughter.”
“I don’t think you’re the best person to have around my daughter. Greg isn’t perfect, but he’s a very good man and he loves Natalie completely.” When Brandon didn’t respond I kept going. “I think you were jealous of Greg. You saw how close he was with Natalie. You saw the connection they have and the ways he’s able to be there for her. I think instead of sucking it up and being a man about the choices you made, you chose to hurt someone your daughter and I both love.”
“He’s a loser, Marie. He ran away—”
“We all do, you idiot. We all run away from something. At least what Greg ran from was something horrible. What did you run from, Brandon? Being a dad? A husband? Are you so sure you want to toss around insults? Because I can tell you right now you can’t play this game. Greg’s going to win every time. You aren’t half the man he is.”
And then I hung up the phone before I really said something I regretted. The words were already on my tongue…
After that I had a few sessions with a therapist who explained the different ways people grieve. I read books and learned as much as I could about the ways we protect ourselves from pain. I learned a lot about myself along the way.
Greg and I had both wasted too much of our lives protecting ourselves from pain. It was time to move on—even if it hurt us some along the way. I felt much more capable of handling Greg when I agreed to dinner with Grace at Saison Grille.
Greg didn’t know that I knew that he had set it up to run into me after dinner. It was a reverse game on my part. Grace and Eve knew my plans and made sure everything was handled. Natalie was at Eve’s anxiously awaiting news.
I felt like I was walking on a cloud when we arrived at the restaurant. This was it. Tonight I was telling Greg that I loved him, too. Tonight was the beginning of the rest of our lives.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I didn’t push things after the night at the bar. Like I said, it was a long-con. Marie didn’t call me, but I heard reports that she was flustered by seeing me there. Grace said that Marie seemed receptive to the idea that maybe she could give a relationship with me another try one day.
Maybe.
So two weeks later I moved on to stage two: dinner at Saison Grille.
I honestly didn’t know how I was going to feel seeing her here again. It was the start of so much. It was the moment I realized how strongly I felt toward her. That night was every bit as important and life changing as the night I met her.
Plus, I hadn’t seen her in two weeks. I missed her.
Ridiculously.
I missed her laugh. The way she smelled. The way she always relaxed under my touch, which was why I loved touching her so much. The way she curled into me whether we were standing side by side, or lying in bed.
But mostly I missed getting to love her.
We were all in on it at this point—even Natalie. She was playing her own game of subliminal messages at home by watching a non-stop stream of romantic movies, reading romance novels, and talking about all her favorite couples throughout history. There was no way I wasn’t on Marie’s mind every minute of every day.
I was sitting at the same table as before, and Jake was with me. We were into our main course when Marie and Grace were seated. Jake was being unusually quiet.
“You think this is a terrible idea, don’t you?” I asked.
Jake stopped with the fork halfway to his mouth. His eyebrows shot up. “You’re asking the man who showed up on Eve’s lawn after ten years with no warning if I think this is a bad idea?”
Right. “Yeah, I guess you’re a fan of the elaborate plans.”
“Just a little.” He finally ate his bite of steak. “I think we all have our ups and downs, and sometimes we need to protect ourselves from those downs. But when your heart is in the right place, it is okay to make grand gestures to prove it. Women like grand gestures.”
“I don’t want to push her away.”
“You think friendship will be enough? You love her, man. Like I love Eve. Friendship is never enough when you love someone that completely.”
I looked across the room. She was just barely visible through the crowd. If she turned, she’d see me, but it was an awkward angle, so I doubted she would.
I was h
iding in plain sight.
“But I also love her enough to be her friend if that’s what she really needs from me.”
Jake nodded slowly. “The most exquisite pain ever.”
“Yeah…that.” My chest ached thinking about years of friendship instead of years as a couple. It might be a fine line, but it was a significant one.
It was exactly what Marie had said to me in my office. She pleaded for me to let her in. She said we needed to tackle our issues together, fight as a team. Instead I pushed her away. I relegated her to the sidelines and made her watch when, I’m sure, all she wanted to do was be in the trenches beside me.
I understood the difference now.
“Thanks for all this,” I said as I pushed my plate back.
“After all you’ve done for me? This is a drop in the bucket.”
Jake didn’t realize how much he’d done for me. “I never would have gone back to Hargrove if I hadn’t met you, Jake. Hell, I’d never have moved to Tampa, either. Which means I never would have met Marie. I owe you everything.” I’d still be hiding out and working twenty hour days for Tom if it weren’t for him.
“And I would not be sitting here listening to this mushy, heartfelt conversation if you hadn’t forced me to move back here. So, call it even before I start confessing my deepest secrets and we read my diary, okay?”
“Hey, that’s an actual concern when it comes to you.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t knock my journals, man. They work.”
I couldn’t argue with that.
The waiter cleared our food and we ordered brandy. I hoped dinner didn’t take too much longer. I was patient, but knowing she was so close was starting to wear on me.
And then all of a sudden everything was in motion. Marie and Grace stood up and moved to the bar.
“You ready?” Jake asked with a stupid smile on his face.
“I was born ready.” Well, not really. If I’d been born ready I wouldn’t have screwed things up the first time.