by Nella Tyler
I shook my head. "I would never do anything to deliberately get you in trouble, Ben, and I feel terrible about what happened. I haven't spoken to Savannah since I confronted her about this. For some reason, she's ignoring me, and I can't even discuss it with her. I keep waiting for someone at the casino to call me into the upstairs offices, but so far, nothing has happened."
"Nothing should happen," he said. "As far as I was given to understand, if I left the casino and didn't come back, that was going to put an end to it."
While I had to admit that that gave me a little bit of comfort, I wasn't convinced that repercussions or the fallout from the entire situation were a nonexistent issue. I still had to be on my guard and keep planning for the worst-case scenario. At any rate, he seemed to relax, and as he did so, I relaxed, as well.
"You off today?" he asked. "You have to go to work tonight?"
I shook my head. "I'm off today and tomorrow."
He nodded, stared around the room for a moment, and then glanced at me, his head tilted at an angle. "I also have my apologies to deliver," he said. "Can we start over?"
I thought about it and then nodded. I really did like him, and I was glad that we had seemed to get over the impasse. I decided that I wasn't even going to ask him whether or not he continued to plan on cheating or even which casino he'd been going to lately. To be honest, I didn't want to know.
I didn't want to spoil anything. It was at that moment that I realized that I had really missed seeing him and being around him. The fact that I had been moping around for days didn't escape me. Still, I decided that nothing could be resolved overnight. For now, we could try to reestablish our friendship, and perhaps even something more.
"In the mood for a movie?"
I hesitated. I didn't really feel like going out to a movie theater, and told him so. For one, I wasn't dressed for it, and two, I just didn't want to be-
"I have a home theater downstairs. How about something like a comedy maybe? Something to make us laugh?"
He looked at me with an odd expression.
"I have to be honest for a change, Maggie, and tell you that I've been a little bit down since we had our argument. I need something to lift my mood. Your being here is a good start."
I felt pleased and nodded in agreement. "Okay."
He led the way down the hallway and to a closed door. It was a highly polished light oak with the brass handle. He opened it and I saw carpeted stairs leading down. It was cool as I followed him down the stairs. I got slightly envious at the size of his home. I think my apartment probably was five hundred square feet or thereabouts, and here he had a multi-floor home with a dozen rooms and a basement that he had converted into a theater? I shoved the thought out of my head. I was happy with my life. I didn't need to be envious or jealous of anyone. At least, that's what I told myself.
The stairway opened up into a room that was probably twice the size of my apartment. He was right. It was a mini theater. A large screen hung down from the ceiling at one end. A projection system was mounted on the ceiling at the other. In between was a cluster of upholstered recliners, a love seat, a coffee table, anything and everything someone would need to just kick back, relax, and watch a movie in comfort. Along the side of the wall stood and entertainment center filled with CDs, books, and DVDs. Another small table held a microwave, packages of popcorn, an assortment of glasses, bottles of wine and liquor, and underneath, a small refrigerator.
I tried to keep from gaping at everything, but I guess he saw the expression on my face.
"Nice, huh? I've got everything a theater does, right down to the licorice sticks, the popcorn, and the Milk Duds," he grinned. "Make yourself comfortable. What can I get you? A glass of wine? A beer? A soda?”
"I'll take a diet soda if you've got it," I said. I wasn't surprised when he reached for the refrigerator under the counter. Inside were a wide variety of sodas. He pulled out a diet Coke and lifted an eyebrow. I nodded.
"What else? Popcorn? Milk duds?"
I smiled. “Popcorn sounds good.” After all, who could watch a movie without popcorn? He pulled a packet of popcorn from the basket on the counter by the microwave and put it in and set the timer, then moved over to the row of DVDs. He searched the titles for a moment, and then pulled one out. It was only a matter of seconds before the scent of buttery popcorn filled the room. My stomach rumbled and I realized I hadn't had anything to eat today. That was deliberate, because my stomach was upset due to the fact that I had no idea how he was going to react to my presence.
I sat down on the love seat and began to relax. I didn't really care what we watched because I was feeling such a great sense of relief already. It was the very sense of relief that surprised me. Had I really cared that much what Ben thought? Obviously, I had.
Once the popcorn was finished, he placed a bowl in front of us on the coffee table. He placed my can of diet cola on a coaster, while he had a regular soda. I was glad he had not chosen alcohol. We began to watch the movie, but it wasn't long before he placed an arm over my shoulder. That's all it took. I glanced at him to find his face mere inches from mine. He was going to kiss me, and I welcomed it.
His arm cradled the back of my neck as we kissed, the brief touching of lips soon deepening into something more passionate. His arms wrapped around my shoulders while mine threaded their way around his waist. Before long, every cell in my body was tingling with desire. His hands were everywhere, and I soon noticed his erection creating a solid bulge along the inside of his pants. Emboldened by his passion, I rubbed my hand against it, and then tucked my hands into the crotch of his pants, cradling his balls.
He groaned as his fingers made their way up underneath my shirt. The movie played, but I paid no attention to the sounds, the music, anything but the blood pounding through my veins and the ringing in my ears caused by the intense feelings that surged through me. God, I hadn't realized I missed him so much. In a matter of minutes, we were both divested of our clothes, and I lay beneath him on the love seat. It was kind of awkward, but with my knees bent, with him cradled between them, we managed.
We stroked, teased, and fondled each other, the greatest, intense moments of foreplay that I had never experienced.
"Oh my God, Maggie, I missed you so much."
His voice was soft as he whispered into my ear. His words delighted me. Before long, we were both breathing heavily and I was wet with desire. His fingers probed my slit, and then plunged inside. I gasped. With one hand wrapped around his penis and the other cradling his buttocks, I stroked my hand up and down the soft, silkiness of his shaft, the veins along it growing harder and more engorged by the second.
Before long, I felt myself swept up in the throes of my desire. My pussy contracted, wanting more and more of his touch. My nipples had turned into hard little pebbles responding to every flick of his tongue as he suckled my breasts and gently tugged on my nipples with his lips. A groan erupted from my throat as I felt the waves of desire building until, with the crescendo of white lights and internal contractions, I felt myself cum. My internal muscles clenched around his finger. He wiggled his finger inside me, his palm rubbing against my clitoris. I wanted him inside me so badly, but I began to push his hand away and tried to urge him to replace it with his cock.
"Let's go upstairs," he once again whispered in my ear. My knees weak with my sexual release, I followed him, not caring that we were both naked. His penis still hard and erect protruded from his groin at an angle, bouncing as we made our way up the stairs. I was fascinated.
We fell onto his bed, and then, after he reached into his bedside table, quickly ripped open a condom packet, and rolled the condom down over his erect penis, I lie on my back and spread my legs, reaching for him. He needed no further invitation. He plunged deep into me and then held still while I accepted him. My internal muscles clenched around his shaft, and then he began to pump his hips, slowly and languished at first, and then faster. With each thrust of his hips, I thrust upward with m
y own, offering a little rotation at the top that seemed to drive him crazy with pleasure.
Faster. Harder. Then, I felt him stiffen. I sensed his orgasm as he gritted his teeth, threw back his head, and the veins in his neck grew thicker with the strain. Finally, when his own internal contractions had ebbed and pressing himself up onto the palms of his hand, he looked down at where we were joined together. I looked, as well. His curly hairs were nestled among mine, my knees wide spread, his hips settled comfortably in between. We fit perfectly, if I did say so myself.
*
I don't know how many times we made love that night. Three? Four? We hadn't always done it the same way, and to say I was a bit sore when I woke up the following morning was an understatement. I lay still for several moments, staring up at the ceiling, nestled comfortably into the very soft sheets of Ben’s bed; the bedding bundled to my waist. I turned my head and glanced at Ben, surprised to find him awake and his eyes riveted to my mounds. I gasped in embarrassment, although I don't know why because he had seen just about every square inch of me.
I quickly pulled the sheet up to cover myself and then saw a shift in his expression as his eyes met mine. My heart gave a little thump of trepidation. Was something wrong? Had something happened? I turned onto my side, resting my head on my hand. "What's the matter?"
He shook his head. "Nothing, Maggie."
I knew he wasn't being honest with me and a surge of disappointment swept through me. After everything that had happened, and after what we had done together last night, he still found it difficult to be open and honest with me? I lifted an eyebrow. "Don't you think we’re little beyond secrets at this point, Ben?" I asked. "You can tell me."
He said nothing for several moments and then glanced back at me.
"It doesn't have anything to do with you."
I shook my head. "We decided to start over, remember? You know I'm not going to let you off the hook so easily. You’re going to have to learn to trust me, just as I'm going to have to learn to trust you. That’s the only way that this relationship, or whatever it is that we have, is going to work."
Finally, he sighed and nodded. He looked at me, once again assured me that it had nothing to do with me, exactly, but I insisted that he tried to explain anyway. Besides, I told him. I might be able to help.
He said he doubted it. “Okay, here goes.”
His voice was soft, and tinged with what I could almost term as regret. Oh my God, he wasn't on the break up with me, was he? Especially not after last night? "What is it?" I prodded.
"I haven't been completely honest with you."
While I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, I was. I wasn't angry, just surprised that there was anything left to say about what had occurred in the days past. "What do you mean?" I asked. I was more curious than anything else.
"Well, I suppose since we’re starting over, I need to lay my cards out on the table, so to speak."
I said nothing, my silence encouraging him to continue. I determined that I wasn't going to get angry, and that I would be as patient and understanding as possible. I had to give him a chance to explain whatever it was that was bothering him.
"It's about how I got my money. Of course, there were a lot of different variables involved and everything had to fall into place just so, but to be honest for a change, I'm not exactly proud of where a lot of my money came from."
"Get it off your chest, then," I encouraged. "I'm not going to judge you." It was quiet for several moments, so many moments that I began to think that he wasn't going to tell me, after all. Then, with another heavy sigh, he glanced at me.
"Most of the money, I inherited from my father," he began. “I also have an older brother, a much older brother, but he never got along with my father. In fact, there was such an age difference between us that I never really got to know him that well. By the time I was born, he was already in high school."
I lifted my elbow, now sitting more upright, still turned toward Ben. I said nothing, but let him continue at his own pace.
"I was spoiled, no doubt about it. My father was a gambler, and he was quite good at it. He taught me everything I knew. I was always around casinos."
I guess that explained Ben's affinity for casinos. I nodded for him to continue.
“My father owned a casino out in Nevada, but he sold it. The problem was, it was a crooked deal, and that's how he was able to make so much money on it."
"That was your father's deal, not yours, Ben."
"I know," he said. “But that's not all. When my father died, about five years ago, I inherited everything. He left nothing for my brother."
Now, that did surprise me. I can imagine how something like that could tear a family apart, even a family that wasn’t very close. I watched Ben as his expression changed and he grew pensive.
" A couple years ago, my older brother came to visit me. Not here…I didn't live here then. But anyway, he came to ask for some money because he said he was in trouble. It wasn't a lot, just a little bit."
I had a feeling I knew where this was going, but I still remained quiet, knowing that he didn't necessarily need my opinion or my encouragement. He just needed to get it off his chest. He needed to talk about it. I was a good listener, after all.
"Anyway, I was young and selfish, and I told him no. I suppose it was all those years that he treated me like I was a nuisance and interloper. We were never close, but I didn't realize then that it wasn’t merely because of our age differences. We had nothing in common. Anyway, I found out that apparently my brother had a gambling problem, and he needed the money to get the loan sharks off his back." He shook his head. "It was only like twenty-five grand, but I still said no. I wouldn't give him any."
Twenty-five grand was only a little bit to Ben? Of course it was. He was a billionaire! That was nothing to him – a drop in the bucket. I could tell that he felt guilty for not helping his brother, and by his expression, I got the feeling that the story wasn’t going to get any better.
"A few days after he came to see me, my brother was found in an alley in New York City. He'd been beaten to death."
I gasped. I couldn't help it. Oh my God. His poor brother! The burden of guilt on Ben's shoulders was probably enormous. There was nothing I could say that would assuage his guilt; I knew that. I placed my hand on his arm and gave it a squeeze. No words were necessary.
"Anyway, after I realized what a selfish prick I was, I changed. I began throwing money around like it was nothing." He looked chagrined. "Which accounts for your apartment full of furniture.” He paused again. "You see, Maggie, I never really learned how to handle the money. At one end of the spectrum, I was so tight fisted with it I didn't want to share with anybody, not even my brother. His death affected me greatly, and now I'm careless with it."
He said nothing for several minutes, and I realized that he was finished with at least that part of the story. "Ben, it's not your fault-"
"Of course, it's my fault," he said. "It was only twenty-five grand. And I couldn't even give my brother that. He died because of it. I might not have done the deed myself, but I might as well have, with the results it produced. I think if I'd given them the money, things would have been different." He shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe my brother and I could've had a relationship. Maybe I could've convinced my brother to get help for his gambling addiction. Whatever happened, happened because I refused to share. I was selfish and greedy."
"Ben," I said softly. "I've been working in the casino long enough to know that addiction is hard to deal with. You could've given your brother the money, and he could've paid off that loan shark, but chances are, there would have been another loan shark down the line…"
"I know that, Maggie, believe me. Maybe that's the point I was trying to make in refusing to give my brother the money in the first place. But I certainly didn't think anything like that was going to happen to him. Worse case scenario, I figured he would have to find some way to make payments or installments to pay it
back to the loan shark. If I had known…"
"I'm sure that if you had known what was going to happen, you would have given him the money in a heartbeat. But you didn't." I tried to make them feel better, but he was having none of it. He was beating himself up, and while I understood it, I knew there was nothing I could do to make him feel any less guilty over what happened.
“Thanks for listening, Maggie," he said. "I've never told anybody that. It feels better to get it off my chest."
"I appreciate you confiding in me, Ben," I said. In fact, it meant a great deal to me that he had revealed a part of his past with me. That, more than anything else, made me feel as if we did have a relationship, an odd one, no doubt about it, and one that had experienced quite a few bumps already. But wasn't that what relationships were all about?
Ben and I laid side by side in the bed for another hour or so, just holding each other, speaking softly, sharing a little bit more about ourselves little bits at a time. I told him more about my relationship with my ex-husband, the secrets here, the betrayals there, and the gradual destruction of trust. I told him that it had taken a long time for me to recover. I also told him that he had to forgive himself.
"I know it's hard," I told him. "For a long time I blamed myself for the failure of my marriage-"
"It wasn't your fault your husband couldn't keep it in his pants," Ben said.
"I know, but you know, I foolishly thought that maybe it was me. Maybe I wasn't doing enough to keep him happy. Maybe I wasn't doing enough to support him." I glanced up again as he was about to protest. "I know it wasn't my fault. I tried to be a good wife. I tried to do the right thing. I think, in your own way, you were doing the same. I had to learn to forgive myself, Ben, and you have to learn how to forgive yourself also."
He said nothing for several moments. "Thanks, Maggie."
"I know the situations are completely different, Ben, but the bottom line is that we never know what the future is going to bring. We can't be responsible for someone else's emotions or reactions. We can't always think that we can be everyone's saviors. We all make mistakes. Some of our mistakes… Well, let's just say that sometimes things don't turn out the way we expected. But if we can learn from them, get something out of them, and perhaps change our lives because of those mistakes, maybe that's the lesson that we all have to learn."