by Nella Tyler
I walked to the nearby corner and waited only about fifteen minutes before the bus came by. My stomach was in knots and my hands trembled. I had to clasp them together and then tucked them between my knees to keep myself from working myself up into a general tizzy.
By the time I got off the bus at the bottom of the hill in Ben’s neighborhood, I had pretty much worked myself into a state of numbness. I had no idea what I was going to say, how he would respond, or whether the door would be slammed in my face. Still, I owed him an apology. Whether he accepted or not was up to him.
By the time I walked up to his front door and rang the doorbell, I felt my mouth go dry. It wouldn't take much for me to start crying because everything in my life right now seemed to be such a mess, but I would get this part of it over with. To my surprise, Ben answered the door himself. He stared at me a moment, as if pleasantly surprised, but then he schooled his expression, blocking out all the emotion he felt at seeing me.
"Good morning, Ben," I began, my voice soft. "I-"
"Come inside, Maggie," he said, stepping back and opening the door.
I wasn't sure I should, but I guess since he was inviting me, although hesitantly, I accepted the invitation. He gestured for me to sit down on the living room couch. Images of what we had done together on it ran through my mind, but I pushed them away as I sat down on the edge. He didn't sit, but stood a short distance away, arms crossed over his chest, eyeing me.
"Ben, I owe you an apology."
"An apology? For what?" He shook his head. "You don't owe me an apology, Maggie."
"Yes, I do," I said, and then proceeded to tell him the entire story, which I hadn't remembered before. I told him about being so upset about him asking me to help him cheat that I completely forgot that I had called Savannah afterward and complained about it. The story came out slowly. As he listened, his expression changed. He began to frown.
"Who's Savannah?"
"She's my best friend," I explained. "We trained together at the casino-"
"The casino…your casino?" he asked, his frown deepening.
I nodded, my stomach flipping with butterflies. "You've played Blackjack at her table a few times," I said. "She's got long blonde hair, pretty blue eyes, and she's tall and thin." I could see him thinking about it for a moment and then he nodded with recognition.
"Anyway, Ben, I completely forgot that I said something to her about it. Honestly, I didn't expect her to say anything – to anyone! In fact, even her mentioning something like that could get her into a lot of trouble, too. I only mentioned it in passing-"
"And, you two were what, bashing me?” he asked.
I shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
“And, then you just inadvertently blurted that I asked you to help me cheat at the Blackjack table?"
I knew he was upset, but dammit, this was his entire fault, wasn't it? "I didn't mean to say anything to her, and I didn't really intend to make a big deal about it, but we were just talking and it came up-"
"So what do you think happened, Maggie? Why do you think Savannah would have said something to anyone about what I asked you? What did she want? What does she want? Why would she do something like that?"
I began to grow frustrated and angry again. I had apologized for being wrong about not saying anything to anyone. The fact that I didn't feel it was wrong to say something about his cheating was something else altogether.
"Well for one thing, Ben, we’re supposed to. The only fact that I didn't say anything to anybody is because I…because I liked you…I still like you," I said. I shifted again. I was fidgeting. I made myself sit still. He said nothing, but continued to stare down at me. "But the fact of the matter is that what you're doing is wrong, and what you asked me to do was wrong."
"You’re not really apologizing."
It came out more as a statement than a question. I shook my head in increasing frustration. "What I'm apologizing for is omission; that I was wrong when I told you yesterday that I hadn't said anything to anybody. It completely slipped my mind that I had talked to Savannah. Again, it was not in my intention whatsoever to say anything to the casino staff-"
"So then, why did she do it?" he asked.
His voice was low and even, but I could tell he was upset. "How the hell should I know?" I exclaimed. I felt like I was being put on the defensive.
"She must've had a reason," he said.
I wasn't about to tell him that she was trying to help get rid of him for me. There was no point in that. I didn't go around deliberately trying to hurt people's feelings. I had apologized for forgetting to tell him that I had said something to Savannah, but I wasn't sorry for anything else. As far as I was concerned, Ben was still in the wrong, and the fact that he didn't see it that way was not my problem.
I got the distinct impression that he didn't believe a word I said, so, trying my best to stifle my emotions, and absolutely refusing to let tears burn my eyes, I stood and turned toward the front door. "I don't know what else to tell you, Ben. I came to apologize for my neglecting to tell you that I had spoken to somebody about this. But I'm damned well not going to apologize because you got into trouble or banned from the casino. You're the one who was cheating. Not me. The fact that you're putting me on the defensive is uncalled for and completely unfair."
He said nothing, but continued to watch me. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking because his expression was blank. "I'll be going now. I have to get to work…if I still have a job, that is."
With those parting words, I turned and walked myself to the door. He still said nothing. I straightened my back and lifted my chin. Fine. If he wanted to act like the wounded party that was his business. He had created this mess and now he was judging me? I shook my head as I opened the door and then stepped through it. This time I couldn't resist. I slammed it behind me and then strode down the steps, not looking back, not even daring to. Fuming, I made my way down the driveway to the street, and then to the bus stop.
How dare he! He hadn't accepted my apology, and I told myself that I could care less. Still, despite my anger, I felt the bubble of emotions rising inside me. I needed to get to the bus stop, get home, and then get ready for work. So far my phone had remained silent. No word from Savannah, no word from the casino.
My tension didn't ease as I got home, showered, and then got ready for work. I supposed I would know by the time I got to work and clocked in whether I still had a job there or not.
The thought that I wouldn't panicked me.
*
Nothing happened. I arrived at work and clocked in as usual. I tried to ignore everything that was going on in my private life. I saw Savannah arrive for her shift about an hour or so after I started, but she didn't look my way. I tried to focus on the game and the players sitting in front of me. All the while, I felt brokenhearted and depressed. I had no idea what to do. It felt like I had gone from having everything I needed, with at least superficial contentment in my life, to having nothing in a matter of twenty-four hours.
Still, regardless of the fact that everything around me was falling apart, I supposed I should be grateful that I wasn't fired the minute I walked into the casino. I was also feeling better about refusing to help Ben. I couldn't fathom why he wanted to cheat. I think that was what confused me most of all. For now, I still had my job, but for how long I didn’t know. If an investigation was under way, I could be called upstairs any minute. It might be tonight, it might be tomorrow, it might be next week. The uncertainty was going to drive me crazy.
Still, I realized that my job was not fully to blame for the upheaval and turmoil in my life right now. It was my own emotions – the fact that I had allowed myself to start feeling something for Ben. I had managed just fine on my own for the past couple of years, had begun to feel more confident about my abilities to take care of myself. I had convinced myself I didn't need a man in my life, and here I was.
As my shift continued, I began to grow increasingly depressed. I did my job, c
ongratulated winners, interacted with the players to a certain degree, but other than that distraction, I felt lower than I had felt since I had found my husband in bed the second time with a strange woman. I felt crushed, beat down, and wondered if I would ever be able to get ahead in life.
*
A day went by, and then another. Nothing happened. Ben didn't show his face at the casino, which I didn't expect him to, being banned. Then again, I wouldn't put it past him to saunter in and act like nothing was the matter. Sure, he would have been immediately escorted out, but maybe that was something that Ben would find amusing, rather than distressing.
A week went by. Savannah and I didn't say a word to each other. In fact, she treated me like a stranger. We had nearly bumped into each other in the break room one evening as I was leaving and she was arriving. She stared at me as if she didn't know me. I began to speak, to try and get her to talk, but she abruptly turned around and left the room. Her behavior toward me stung.
Maybe I should apologize to her, but I didn't feel as if I really owed her an apology. She had broken my confidence. As a matter of fact, when I thought about it, I had made a comment about her keeping what I told her a secret, and she had even said something about "like confession?" I began to wonder at her true motives. After all, she hadn't been that concerned about Ben and I, other than to tell me I should've kept the things he bought for me and to take full advantage.
She knew that I was handling him on my own because she didn’t agree with my decisions. Why did she think that it would help me to have him banned from the casino? Just because he was banned wouldn't prevent him from seeing me outside, so as the days went by and she gave me the cold shoulder, I began to wonder about her ulterior motives. Had she been jealous? Envious that I had attracted someone like Ben? Was she getting back at me because I had refused to accept his gifts or because I had refused to allow her to keep any of them? I didn't know.
All I knew was that a week went by and I continued to be depressed and feel sorry for myself. Everything was boring and dull and lifeless. I missed Ben. I missed seeing him walk into the casino and sit at my table every night. Even in spite of the fact that he had asked me to cheat, I still missed him. I couldn't figure that one out and pretty soon grew exhausted just trying.
As Savannah continued to snub me, I began to grow angry. By the end of the week, I was convinced that maybe she had never been my friend at all. It was so depressing. I felt so alone. Even on my days off, I pretty much stayed in the apartment except to go do a little shopping for groceries. I conserved every penny, expecting the shoe to drop at any moment. I ate cheap, took the bus or walked where I could, trying to conserve money on gas.
I felt so alone, as alone as I had felt when my first husband had betrayed me. I had no one to turn to. I refused to try to reach out or talk to Savannah, and it was more than apparent that Ben didn't want to have anything to do with me, either. The situation was growing untenable. At the same time, I didn't know what I could do about it. There was no solution. No way out.
I began to think about quitting my job, which seemed to be the root of all my problems, but I doubted if that would help much. I didn't have much training in anything else, and I was making over minimum wage, although not by much. Where would I find another job? Working at a fast food restaurant? I went over and over my budget, determining exactly how much I needed every month to survive.
A minimum wage paying job wouldn't cut it. I would have to get two. The thought exhausted me. I was beginning to feel as if I had no life. That I was like a hamster on the wheel, going around and around, with no let up, no rest, no way off.
Nevertheless, I got up out of bed every morning, went to work every day, just going through the motions. I basically trudged through my days, my emotions still numb, not allowing myself to feel. I had cried myself out. I knew I had to snap out of this soon because I was making myself miserable. But I couldn't wait for opportunity to just fall out of the sky. The plain truth of the matter was, I missed Ben. I wondered if he missed me, too. Or had he moved on? Did he have another girlfriend already? Had I even been his girlfriend?
I could make myself crazy asking myself these questions over and over again, but I couldn't help it. As the days wore on and I grew increasingly depressed, I realized what was at the root of my problem. I wasn't sure why, but I wanted Ben to forgive me. Inadvertently, it'd been my fault that he had been banned from the casino. Of course, being banned from one casino wouldn't hurt his ability to gamble whatsoever, not in Atlantic City. Still, the chances were that other casinos were now aware of him. That's the way it worked in any gambling mecca.
I didn't think Ben needed to gamble to earn a living, but at the same time, his being banned from the casino must've put a definite cramp in his ability to make extra money. Then again, he could be gone from Atlantic City by now. I began toying with the idea of a venturing up to his mansion, but decided against it. I didn't want to appear to be a stalker. How would I feel if I found another woman hanging onto his arm? How would I feel if I realized that when all was said and done, all he had wanted from me was to become a partner in his schemes?
I didn't want to believe it, actually refused to believe it, but I didn't know. But this unclosed chapter in my life literally was driving me into the doldrums. I needed to turn the page, just move on, but it was like tossing a book out without knowing how it ended.
What was I expecting? I wasn't sure. I felt as if something was left undone. It was a part of my personality that I had not really noticed before. I needed a sense of completion. Closure. Resolution. Like my divorce from my first husband had put finality to it. A period. An end. Ben hadn't told me to get out and never see him again. I had not done so, either. Where did we stand? I didn't like hanging in limbo.
So it was, that night before I went to bed, that I decided that the next time I had a couple of days off, I would attempt to contact Ben. I would put an end to my torture, one way or the other. I had forgiven him for asking me to cheat, and I in turn wanted him – expected him – to forgive me for inadvertently getting him banned from the casino. I didn't expect anything more than that. That would have to be enough.
Chapter 4
I waited impatiently for my schedule, determined now to deal with my issues with Ben before I drove myself crazy. I waffled, once again, a sorry trait of mine I realized, between the benefits and drawbacks of talking to Ben about everything that had been going on. Maybe the time away from me had given him time to think, perhaps even realize that what he was doing was wrong and that I was more important to him than maybe he realized. As far as I was concerned, I realized that I couldn't expect everyone to be perfect. Would it be terrible of me to continue to want to see him? I was so torn. This was not something I was used to dealing with. I knew, logically, that I should just break things off with him completely, but my heart was telling me something different.
Maybe the fact that both of us had time to think would provoke a difference. Perhaps things could be different between us. Perhaps I could get him to give up this crazy idea of cheating. I had no problem with him gambling, as long as he wasn't addicted to it. That would eventually end up causing more problems in the relationship than it was worth. Addicts were addicts. I didn't think Ben was a gambling addict. I think he just enjoyed it and got a thrill out of seeing what he could do and what he could get away with.
Maybe he was just bored. If he could find something else that captured his attention, maybe he would ease back on the gambling a little bit. Then again, why did I care? We had not even spoken in nearly a week. He had no claims on me, and I certainly had no claims on him. What if the shoe had been on the other foot? What if I had an issue or something that Ben didn't like about me? Would I be willing to change for him? Should I?
Back and forth. Back and forth. I did that for days. Finally, I decided that enough was enough. I should just find out one way or the other if we could work through it. I finally worked up the courage to go to his house. Once
again, I boarded the bus. Just because nothing had happened at work yet didn't mean that something wouldn't. I was still watching every penny, trying to tuck as much money away as I could for emergencies. I would be getting paid in a couple of days, and after paying my rent, I would go shopping. From now on it was cheap, cheap, cheap when it came to food. I could do without a lot of the food that I had gotten accustomed to in my refrigerator.
By the time I got to Ben's neighborhood, I was once again a nervous wreck. I decided things could go one of two ways. Either he would answer his door and slam it in my face or he would invite me in. I braced myself for the former, but certainly hoped for the latter.
By the time I walked up his long driveway, I was slightly out of breath. I paused a moment on the front steps, swiped my hands through my hair, wiped the fine sheet of sweat off my face, and took a deep breath. I rang the bell. Once again, it was Ben who opened it after a few moments. He seemed surprised to see me. A slight smile turned up the corners of his mouth and then he stared at me a moment, before taking a step back and inviting me in.
Well, that was probably a good start, I thought. Once again, he gestured for me to sit in the living room. I did, taking my place on the far side of the couch. He didn't stand towering over me this time, but sat down on the opposite end. I'm sure he wasn't quite sure why I was there, so I got right to the point.
"Ben, I'm really sorry about what happened. I had no intention of-"
"It's all right, Maggie. I understand how things can get out of hand like that." He shrugged. "It took me a couple of days to realize that you didn't do anything on purpose. I know that you never meant to hurt me."