Ai of the Mountain (A Fairy Retelling #2)

by Dorian Tsukioka

  I pull out a pair of chopsticks from a wooden case, and use them to break apart a chunk of the sweet bean cake. I lift the piece of cake to the daimyo’s lips. He slowly opens his mouth, taking his time in pulling it off the chopsticks. His tongue licks up a stay crumb stuck on the side of his mouth, and I hope that now that I have fed him that he will allow me to leave.

  I have no such luck.

  “Your turn,” he says. “Allow me.” He takes the box from my hand. He does not ask to use the chopsticks, but instead, pulls a morsel of sweet bean cake out of my father’s obento with his fingers and holds it out for me to bite. I look at him for a moment, incredulous at his informality and lack of proprietary. I’ve never had a man treat me this way before. It’s unheard of for a man of the daimyo’s position to be so forward with a girl, at least in front of her father.

  Lord Nakaguchi holds the cake up to my lips, and I have no choice but to bite. His fingers graze my lips, slowly trailing past my tongue and teeth as he pulls his fingers back from my mouth and up to his own. He licks a stray crumb from his thumb, his eyes boring into mine the entire time. The quiet in the room is deafening. I know I am not the only one shocked at Lord Nakaguchi’s incredibly intimate behavior.

  “Mmm, this is delicious, Ai-chan,” he says. I’m almost as shocked by the informal nickname he calls me as I am by his actions from the past few minutes. It’s extremely rude for him to use such an intimate term without first having some sort of understanding, or at the very least, a deep friendship. This man is a stranger to me, but he treats me as if we are extremely close. Lovers.

  “Thank you, my lord,” I answer, not sure what else I should say. All I want to do is run away from this man, but his actions are making it impossible to leave.

  “I have a request of you, Ai-chan,” he says. I sit, waiting. I will be happy to do whatever this man might ask of me, as long as it allows me to leave immediately.

  “I am happy to do your bidding, Lord Nakaguchi,” I answer.

  “I would like for you to continue to bring a lunch every day for your father,” the daimyo says. My heart sinks for a moment, but I am careful to not show my feelings on my face. I am about to speak and say that will not be a problem, but he is not finished with his request.

  “I also would like for you to make a obento lunch for me, as well, Ai-chan. Bring one that is large enough for us to share, and tomorrow we’ll dine together.”

  I cannot believe the daimyo’s words. He wants to see me again tomorrow? Why one earth does he want to do that? I am about to ask why when the daimyo stands, reaches out for my hands, and pulls me to my feet as well.

  “I will be eager to see you again tomorrow,” the daimyo says and then bows to me. I return the gesture, careful to dip down even lower as a sign of respect. The daimyo takes one of my hands in his again, bends down to press his lips against it, and kisses it before he leaves. He then beckons his advisors to attend him, and the men follow behind. My father glances at me momentarily before leaving me and Kurasawa-san alone in the daimyo’s private chambers.

  I am beyond furious. But I force the flames of anger down. Social rules make it impossible for me to show my honne, my true feelings. They must be kept quiet, dampened, until I’m in a setting where I can express them – when I’m alone. I cannot even share my discomfort with my mother and father. It would only cause them to worry. I will plaster a smile on my face and murmur that it is no trouble to attend to the daimyo. Be the dutiful daughter. I can do that. I will do that.

  I understand the daimyo now. He feeds on power. He wants me to be afraid. And I am afraid, but I will never let him know it, not if I can help it. I will not give him that power over me.

  I bend down to wrap my father’s obento in the furoshiki, and cringe at its tainted state. I know he is worried about the daimyo’s sudden interest in me, and seeing his lunch in its corrupted state will only serve to remind him. I must do what I can to reassure him. I fix the lunch as best I can, moving food around to disguise the molestation it went through at the hands of the daimyo. Of course, my father will know that I did this, but I hope it will serve as a sign that I’m not afraid. I’m willing to do what needs to be done to keep my family safe.

  I stand, and face the samurai guard still waiting for me. He hasn’t said a word since we arrived, but his eyes still show his anger. I look away, and wait for him to lead the way. He says nothing, but turns and exits the room.

  I follow him down the same labyrinthine maze of halls back to the ground floor and exit the castle. I am relieved to see neither the daimyo, nor my father on the way out, though I’m not sure what to do with my father’s lunch. Should I have left it back in the daimyo’s chambers? That does not seem right. Should I take it home? The one thing I will not do is continue to search for my father. I do not want to have a second chance encounter with Lord Nakaguchi.

  “I can take that for you and deliver it to your father,” Kurasawa-san says. I look at him and wonder why he is not as careful with his emotions as I am trying to be. His face shows too much, gives away too much of his true feelings, his honne. Why should he even care in the first place? I hand him my father’s obento.

  “Thank you,” I say, and begin walking down the mountain path to where the river cuts through the Kawatana valley. That is where my home is, and where I can finally express all the fear and frustration that want to bubble up and out of me. I enter my family’s home, careful not to disturb Mother, and quickly make two more onigiri rice balls from the left over rice.

  I carry the onigiri with me to the slow-moving river that lazily wanders through the valley next to our home, and sit on the bank of the river under the shade of a giant maple tree. I break one of the onigiri into pieces and call out to the river, “Grandfather Koi, are you there?”

  A flash of orange-red shimmers just under the water, and a fin peeks through the surface. I throw the pieces into the water and watch as the golden koi feeds on the treat, and then pokes his head out, looking at me, waiting for me to deliver another morsel.

  This is no ordinary goldfish. He is older than I am. Older than my father, even. He has always been here, as far as we know. He is not only the oldest koi I have ever seen, but also the largest, as long and broad as any man. I throw the remaining onigiri to him and he catches it in his mouth, swallowing it whole.

  “Konnichiwa, Grandfather Koi,” I say, greeting the fish as I have done every day of my life.

  “Hello, Ai-chan,” the koi says back to me, just as he has done every day of my life.

  Chapter 2

  Grandfather Koi has spoken to me for as long as I can remember. It does not seem strange to me, because I have never known any differently. He does not speak to Mother or Father. Only to me. It is our secret. One that I cherish.

  Grandfather Koi is the wisest being I know, and I often go to him for advice. I seek it now, and tell him all that happened this morning at the daimyo’s castle.

  “This is quite a predicament, isn’t it?” he muses. Although I value his counsel, I sometimes find it difficult to talk to Grandfather Koi. Just like a human grandfather, he talks slowly, carefully, and deliberately – choosing his words well. I am often far too impatient to wait on his wisdom. I try to push aside my impatience now as I watch the giant fish think of what to say next.

  “I don’t understand what the daimyo sees in me. What does he want with me? I’m no one but a poor peasant girl who lives on the side of a mountain,” I complain.

  “I am certain the daimyo is well aware of that fact,” Grandfather Koi explains, “and is planning on exploiting it. I doubt he expects a poor, peasant girl to spurn his advances. Be very careful, Ai-chan. Men like that are used to getting what they want. And who they want.”

  I shudder. I have no intention on having anything to do with the daimyo, if I can help it. But, like Grandfather Koi says, Lord Nakaguchi is used to getting what he wants. What if he wants me? My body shudders again. Lord Nakaguchi is a handsome man outwardly, but his inner
character oozes with corruption. I feel soiled after my brief encounter with him this morning, as if his touch has tainted my skin. The thought of being intimate with him is utterly repulsive. Though I am untouched in that way, I know how the world works. I know my unblemished state would only serve to make a man like Lord Nakaguchi desire me more.

  “I don’t know what to do, Grandfather Koi. I feel trapped.”

  “Yes, child. It may seem that way now. Be patient though. You are both cunning and brave, like the fox. I know you will find some escape from a fate that seems inevitable.”

  “Thank you, Grandfather. I hope so.” I sit quietly and stare into the depths of the river, mesmerized by the tranquil flow of its slow-moving current. My thoughts begin to calm, and my head empties itself of the threat of Lord Nakaguchi. Instead, I see another man’s face in my mind’s eye. I concentrate on his eyes, full of angry consternation on my behalf, and the look of concern etched on his countenance.

  “Is there more that you wish to tell me?” I have been sitting silent for some time now. I feel the smile on my face that I didn’t know was there.

  “Lord Nakaguchi was not the only one who showed an interest in me today,” I explain. I tell him about Kurasawa-san, and how angry he seemed with daimyo.

  “Kurasawa-san seems like an honorable man, but I do not know that he can protect you from his master. What do you plan on doing tomorrow when you must return?”

  That question has been swirling around in my head since the moment I left the daimyo’s castle. I answer honestly, “I do not know what I should do, Grandfather Koi. If I do not obey Lord Nakaguchi’s request, it could bring disaster on our family. On the other hand, I do not want to encourage his interest in me, either. I feel like I’m balancing on a rock in the middle of the river. One wrong move, and I’ll be swept away into a situation I cannot control.”

  “There is no situation you can control, Ai-chan,” the fish explains. “You can only control how you react to the situation. Trust in yourself. You will find a solution. I am sure of it.”

  “I hope so,” I say, dipping my fingers in the water. Grandfather Koi ducks below the surface, and swims under the tips of my fingers, briefly touching them before he dives down into the depths of the river. This is how we say goodbye.

  I sigh, and lay down on the bank of the river, enjoying the coolness of the water on my arm as I try to think of a solution to my predicament. In spite of my effort, though, I cannot think of a way out of meeting with Lord Nakaguchi tomorrow. I will have to keep my eyes and ears open, and take advantage of any situation that presents itself.

  The gentleness of the water, and the song of the forest lull me to sleep, and I escape from my uncertain reality into a welcoming dream.

  He is there. He is always there, in my dreams. I have dreamt of this man my entire life. Nearly every time I sleep, he is there, and I feel remiss if a night passes without a visit from him.

  His name is Kaito, and he has been a part of my dreams since I was a child. Although I have grown up and changed over my eighteen years, Kaito has always remained the same age. A young man, just advancing into adulthood, he is always dressed in old-fashioned clothes, as if he is not quite in the right century. I don’t care though. He is my friend.

  If I am honest though, he is more than that. As I’ve grown older, we have grown closer. In my dreams he gazes into my eyes, and calls me his beautiful girl. He holds me in his arms while we talk and gaze out over the river. Always the river. I’ve never dreamt of him anywhere else, but I don’t mind. I love him. Kaito, my dream warrior.

  And he is a warrior. I can tell by the sword he carries on his back. He has never told me directly, but I guess that he is a samurai. He is waiting for me now, as sleep overtakes me, and pulls me from the worries of reality. I happily slip into this dream, eager to escape my problems, and find comfort in the arms of my dearest friend.

  “Kaito, I’m so glad you’re here,” I say, embracing him in a tight embrace. He holds me tightly as well.

  “Where else would I be?” he teases. He holds my hand and pulls me down next to him on the bank of the river. We dip our feet in the water, and I lean back into his strong, encircling arms. “I wasn’t sure you would come,” Kaito says after a moment.

  “Why?”

  “I know I am just a dream, little Ai of the mountain,” he says, using the nickname he gave me when I was a child. “I know I can never be real for you.”

  “You are real enough for me,” I answer, suddenly feeling like I want to cry. Kaito has never before mentioned that we are only in a dream. For some reason, it upsets me greatly.

  “I may be real enough right now, little Ai, but some day you will want to be with someone who can hold you even while you’re awake. I cannot do that for you, I am afraid.”

  “Where has this all come from?” I ask. “You’ve never spoken like this before, Kaito. I don’t understand.”

  He is smiling at me, but is a sad, mirthless smile. “I always knew that I would fall in love with you,” he explains. “But, I never expected for you to fall in love with me. It was more than I could ever hope for. It’s selfish of me to love you, though. You need someone who can love you as you deserve. You need someone strong. Someone worthy. Someone real.”

  “Kaito, no. You are real. Real enough for me to be happy,” I counter. Tears find their way down my face. I do not try to stop them. This is my oldest, dearest friend. I have no reason to hide my feelings from him.

  “It’s okay,” he says as he kisses the tears off my cheeks and whispers, “to love someone else.”

  “But I don’t want to love anyone else,” I answer, putting my hands to the side of his face so I can look him directly in his eyes. “I only want to love you.” I mean those words. I need him to know that I mean them. I pull his face to mine, and bring my lips to his. I feel their soft heat for only a moment before I awake.

  For a moment, I think Kaito is still there, but when I look around I know he is gone. A wave of disappointment crashes into me. It’s the same feeling I have every time I wake up from a dream I share with him. For a moment, there is elation as I think he is there, and then sudden despair overwhelms me as I remember that he is only a figment of my imagination. He is not real, though in my dreams, I swear he is as real as I am. The dreams are so real. I want him to be real. But, I understand that there is truth to Kaito’s words. He can never hold me in the waking world. We can never be married. Never have children. He is nothing but a fiction, and it is okay if I find someone who can truly live life with me.

  Unbidden, a picture of Kurasawa-san flits through my mind.

  The next morning, Father stops by my room before he leaves for the castle, long before the sun has risen. He was silent during dinner the evening before. I know he is very concerned about the daimyo’s sudden interest in me, but he is also caught in between his concern for me, and the damage the daimyo could cause to our family, to the whole village. Father is an elder of our community. I know he will not do anything to jeopardize the wellbeing of all the people he feels responsible for.

  Father looks at me for a steadied moment, then places his hand on my cheek, and gives me a kiss. “Be careful today, my daughter,” he says. I nod. I have every intention of being careful. “I will see you today at lunchtime.”

  The door to my bedroom slides closed with a swish, and I lay back down on the futon. Though it is still dark, and morning has barely begun, sleep does not return, and I decide to get up and begin my day.

  Mother is already up as well, and I’m happy to see that today seems to be one of her better days. Her cheeks are more pink than grey this morning, and she is busily working in the kitchen.

  “Ohayou,” I say when I see her. She greets me warmly with a “good morning” as well, and I set myself to getting busy with the household chores that need to be done before I leave. The clothes washing and futon airing help to draw my mind away from my own visit to the castle. Unfortunately, they are done too soon, and before I
know it, I must start my journey up the mountain.

  I pack up a meal of salted eel, rice, and boiled vegetables. Simple peasant food. We have nothing elaborate to offer the daimyo, even if I felt inclined to do so. At the last minute, I remember to include something sweet in my father’s lunch, and hesitate – should I include a dessert for the daimyo as well? He doesn’t deserve it. I pack his lunch without anything sweet to finish the meal and wrap the obento boxes in furoshiki cloths to make them easier to carry with me up the mountain. I did as Lord Nakaguchi instructed and included enough to share the meal, though I have decided to not eat much and only included a little extra rice and a few more eel slices. The obento boxes are heavy in my hands, and I know my arms will be sore by the time I reach the top of the mountain.

  The sun has finally risen by the time I say goodbye to my mother. She smiles and waves me off. I can tell Father has not told her about Lord Nakaguchi’s interest in me. I’m glad he hasn’t. While Father is overly worried about me, my mother would be quite the opposite. She’s always believed that I am blessed, destined to fulfill a great destiny. “Why else would the gods spare you in the forest, all those years ago,” she often says about me. “You are meant for more than just the life of a peasant girl.”

  I want to believe her words, but in my heart, I know she is wrong. I am just a girl of the mountain. There is nothing remarkable about me. Other than having the interest of the daimyo, that is.

  Although I am fearful of what might happen when I reach the mountain’s summit, I still enjoy the walk to the top. The song of the birds and the sunshine peeking through the trees both help to soothe my agitation. I even see a red-eared fox peeking at me from its den. I stop to stare at it a moment before it turns tail and hides back in its hole in the ground. I know how you feel.