How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “Maybe so. But what choice do you have? You need me.”

  “We don’t need you,” Po’l said between coughing episodes. “We’ve been doing just fine without you.”

  “Oh, you have? Okay, so you got Orbius under control. Let me say, Po’l, you guys do a pretty bang-up job of making it look like you're runnin’ around with your heads cut off.”

  “How are you going to find your ship though? It’s probably at Orbius’ palace right now.”

  “Ishiro and I can head north and I feel confident that we can persuade a few folks to point us in the right direction.” Duke tapped his right hand against his holster.

  “Scaring innocent villagers and threatening them with a weapon? You're such a swell guy. And Orbius is just going to give the ship to you? Why? Because you’re such a likable person?”

  “And I need your band of nitwits with your bows and arrows? That’s going to help us?” Duke’s voice raised from his earlier hushed tones.

  “This planet will eat you alive, Duke. And your silent friend.”

  “Leave Ishiro outta this. What’s your real beef with me, Po’l? First, you accuse us of being really committed spies—”

  “I don’t like you,” Pol’ interjected.

  “Didn’t your momma teach you not to interrupt?”

  Ja’a wedged her arm between the faces of the two rivals. “Po’l, you are in no position to argue. Duke saved our lives—whether you care to admit it or not. Plus, you’re only slowing your healing by bickering. You need to rest. We need you in this fight.”

  “Yeah, Po’l—listen to your boss,” Duke jabbed. “Except for that ‘needing’ you bit.”

  “Duke, in all due respect and knowing that we are in your debt for your heroics earlier, Po’l is a great warrior and has been loyal to our cause for a long time. It’s important for us—to me—to get him back to our leaders safely. I don’t blame his distrust, though I can’t say that I ever thought you were a pawn in Orbius’ game. The truth is, you are an off-worlder and an outsider to our cause. I would be suspicious if he did trust you without hesitation.”

  Po'l managed a wry grin.

  “You believe this?” Duke aimed his question firmly at Ishiro’shea.

  The ninja returned a glance that Duke knew all too well. Dammit, he agrees with her.

  “For the last time, we must make haste before we are consumed by Gar and his troops. Those that fled are probably back now and letting Gar know where we're holed up.”

  Ja’a exited the cave, followed by the two soldiers carrying Ma’n and Te’o’s satchels, then Uu’k and Ishiro’shea. Duke stepped to the side and allowed Ma’n and Te’o—with Po’l balanced between them—to leave next. Po’l struggled to keep his head raised; his swollen eyes never left Ja’a as she led the group into the Neprian forest. Wait a second! He's got a thing for her, Duke thought to himself. How’d I miss that? In love with his commander—maybe that’s why he’s so surly. Can’t say I blame him. Whoa, be careful now, Duke.

  Duke descended the natural ramp that led from the cave. He unsheathed Ol’ Betsy as he watched the rebels and Ishiro’shea disappear into the opaque Neprian vegetation.

  Chapter 18

  Uu'k's Day Job

  AS FAR AS DUKE COULD see, sloping grasslands intermingled with abandoned plots of farmland—a far cry from the dense forest that concealed their cave hideaway south of Dre’en. Beautifully translucent ponds dotted the countryside; the stillness gave them the presence of being frozen. Outside of a gentle breeze, basic movement in the southern Neprian ecosystem seemed as if it were an extinct species. Duke couldn’t help but feel as if he were walking from one end of a two-dimensional painting to the other.

  “This has been quite a boring stroll.”

  “Boring is good, Duke,” replied Ja’a. “That means that we haven’t run across Orbius’ soldiers or anything else that this country can throw at us.”

  “You’re probably right.”

  “I know I am on this one. It’s been two days and nothing—that’s a good two days in my book.”

  “It’s funny if you think about it.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Two days ago, you had Ishiro and I cooped up in a cage and thinking we were Orbius’ spies.”

  “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? Still upset about that?” asked Ja’a.

  Duke tilted the front of his hat up with his thumb.

  “No, Ishiro and I were just getting our bearings and, ya’ know, taking in this beautiful scenery,” he smirked.

  “Well, I never thought you two were spies,” Ja’a said with a subtle smile. “That was Po’l. But, ya’ know, you can’t blame him.”

  Duke snorted at Ja’a’s gentle mocking, then he flashed a far less subtle smile at the Neprian.

  “Oh, I can blame him. You aren’t entirely without blame, yourself. I didn’t see you trying that hard to convince your underlings to free us. Thank goodness for Uu’k. You had us locked up—and now you need us to help you. Heck, you need us to help your entire race.”

  “That’s a tad dramatic.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Anyways, Duke, we’re actually interested in your weapons—you are just an added complexity.”

  “Don’t you mean an added ‘benefit’?”

  “I know what I mean.”

  The bounty hunter chuckled. “You’re alright, Ja’a.”

  “I’m not quite sure about you, Duke. You’ve already had a few moments that lead me to believe that you could be this planet’s savior or the final nail in our coffin. I just don’t know quite yet.”

  “So, if I’m hearing you correctly—you think I’m pretty extraordinary.”

  “For now, let’s call it ‘interesting.’”

  “Fair enough. Not to change the subject—because I do love talking about my favorite subject—”

  “You?”

  “Yes, me. But look over there.”

  Duke pointed to Ishiro’shea. “Seems that Ishiro and Uu’k are becoming buds.”

  “That’s nice to see. She could use a friend. You know, Uu’k has been quite a valuable asset in the rebellion.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No, not at all.”

  “You mean because she freed Ishiro’shea and I—and we’re gonna save the day?”

  “Uu’k has been one of our best sources of local intelligence from inside Dre’en—specifically around the halls of the Altar House. Isn’t that where you found her?”

  “Close to it. She was near the kitchen in a dining hall. Ishiro and I had just had dinner with Vernglet Wip.”

  “She was under their employment—or rather, she was being forced to perform menial tasks like cleaning and preparing food.”

  “She’s only a kid, though. How does—”

  “Duke, I promise you, she volunteered. Her parents did not survive Orbius’ wrath and she wanted to contribute.”

  “She’s a kid.”

  “No one ever wants to be in a war. No one ever wants a child to be involved in that conflict, especially. Uu’k is special, though. I believe she actually fully grasps the entire concept of what’s happening to her people—and knows that she has to sacrifice to have a chance to restore happiness and prosperity to Neprius.”

  “Ja’a, this is hard for me to swallow. And I’ve had a MechaBurger 8000.”

  “Ask her. Talk to her. She’s an amazing kid.”

  “Where I come from, we do our damnedest to keep children out of harm and away from violence. We leave that for the grown-ups.”

  “Have you ever had to save your race from a mad, murderous tyrant?”

  “Nova Texas has too many of those to count.”

  “Seriously, Duke. Our struggle needs every bit of help that we can muster.”

  “Even if it means putting a good kid like Uu’k’s life in danger by spying on insane priests?”

  “Yes, even if it means that.”

  “Ja’a, your methods are unusual�
�even for me. I do commend the commitment. If you say that Uu’k fully comprehends the likelihood of a violent and grizzly death, I believe you. You haven’t lied to me yet. But, wow, what a day job for that little runt.”

  “Duke, don’t take my word for it. Talk to her. Or talk to Ishiro—I’m sure he knows her story by now. It’s been two days and I haven’t seen her stop talking to him.”

  “And we know Ishiro’s not hogging the conversation.”

  “True.”

  “I guess, at the end of the day, looking at it from a practical and functional standpoint—no one would suspect her of being anything more than a kid. Fooled me, that’s for sure.”

  “She was the one that alerted us about you.”

  “That weasel! She led us into the cage—and freed us. Door-to-door service, I guess.”

  “We heard about an off-worlder—it had been some time since the last one.”

  “Vangu.”

  “Yes, Vangu. And we know how that turned out. We’d heard whispers from our network of sympathizers that a large metal vessel had crashed somewhere near Dre’en. Naturally, we assumed that Orbius had found a way to bring more evildoers from his home world to help him control the rebellion.”

  “Naturally. Lots of evildoers on Earth.”

  “We sent out a message to our local spies in and around Dre’en—but no one could get close. I knew Uu’k and her location at the Altar House. I guessed that if Vernglet Wip came out to meet you, he would probably get you to his compound as quickly as possible. I relayed the message through our runner network from where I was stationed south of the city and, luckily, it made it to Uu’k uninterrupted.”

  “I only saw her for a second—her information couldn’t have been that in-depth.”

  “She has a knack for hearing things that shouldn’t be heard. In fact, she let us know that the priests were planning to trick you and abduct your weapons.”

  “How did the priests recognize my guns? There’s nothing on this rock remotely similar.”

  “Their communication network runs as fast as ours. Probably faster. The Northerners use winged flurn to carry messages over great distances.”

  “Orbius?”

  “That was our thought. We can only assume that they used winged flurn to transport the message all the way to Sansagon—a method we ourselves are trying to master. If he was interested in these items, they must be important.”

  “And I bet that once we stepped off the Deus, accounts of our appearances made it all the way to Orbius and back before we made it to the gates of Dre’en. Vangu must’ve recognized the descriptions of the guns.”

  “That’s our assumption as well.”

  “Sneaky troll.”

  “Uu’k gathered intelligence that day and uncovered a plan to steal what the priests called ‘tools of monstrous calamity.’ She quickly relayed the message down the network but, by the time it made it to me, you and Ishiro’shea were already heading southbound. A band of us, stationed near your crash site—”

  “Landing site. I didn’t crash the Deus. Duke LaGrange doesn’t crash ships.”

  “—near your landing site, then, moved to the forest where we met you.”

  “Met? Not the word that I would’ve used.”

  “We scouted you and waited to assess the situation.”

  “We saw you moving about in the forest. Or rather, Ishiro saw you.”

  “Good eyes. Then before we were able to press on and introduce ourselves—and offer sanctuary, Vernglet and his troops moved in.” She paused. “And then we saw them fall with a thunderous clap. Dead. Immediately, we knew what Orbius was referring to as ‘tools of monstrous calamity.’ Po’l wanted to charge—but I held us back since I didn’t know if you would think that we were friend or foe.”

  “Smart move.”

  “When we collected ourselves enough to create a sensible plan, General Gar had appeared with his legion. The rest was a bit of luck.”

  “For who?”

  “Both of us, really. When you and Ishiro’shea started to head toward the forest, our team quickly relocated our snare trap—and, once again by luck, you ran right into it. Lucky for us that we now have the services of someone who could provide a serious advantage over Orbius; lucky for you and Ishiro that you weren’t hunted down and murdered by Gar’s troops.”

  “This is assuming that we actually get back to the Deus, get rid of Orbius, and get off of this planet.”

  “I hope those aren’t doubts, Duke LaGrange.”

  “Let’s call them ‘concerns’ for now.” Duke grinned and removed Betsy from his holster. He stroked the barrel and patted it gently. “Forget I said anything. I can win a war with this old girl.”

  “That’s what we’re banking on.”

  Chapter 19

  If a Person Has a Sword, Don't Call Him Stupid

  “THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD place to set up camp,” Ja’a said.

  The land had hardly changed over the course of the day’s march. As the evening approached, an unnerving calm continued to reign over the Neprian landscape. Aside from a gentle hill—the lone grassy mound alongside the level prairie path—it appeared no different than the previous dozens of miles.

  “I agree,” said Po’l. “Don’t anticipate much danger lurking around these parts.”

  “No offense,” Duke replied, “but the most dangerous part of this trip has been the stench coming from ‘Mr. Sharpshooter’ over there.” He nodded in Po’l’s general direction.

  “What does that even mean?”

  “Never mind. But seriously, can we give our friend Po’l a bath tonight? I think I saw a pond a few clicks back.”

  “Duke—”

  “Fine. If you don’t mind though, I think I’m going to camp up ahead at the edge of the hill. Your watchmen over there can take a turn being downwind from our fragrantly-challenged friend.”

  Duke walked up to Ma’n and Te’o, who were still propping up the banged-up Po’l.

  “Guys, I feel for ya’—I really do. I’ve been in the drunk tank at Cyborg Joe’s when the toilet broke—for two days—and it wasn’t this bad.”

  “You’re lucky that I’m not at my best right now, off-worlder,” Po’l snapped back.

  “What, so you can hurt yourself again? I don’t even have to lift a finger with you, Po’l—you knock yourself out.”

  “Both of you, cool it.” Ja’a interjected before Po’l dared a comeback. “Actually, here’s an idea—it’s about time to rotate positions. Fresh eyes up front and on the flanks; weary legs in the middle. We’re probably halfway to the coast. Halfway to meeting with the leaders.”

  “And to figure out how Ishiro and I get the Deus back,” added Duke.

  “Of course.” Ja’a walked a few paces away from the convoy. “Everyone! Let’s call it a day and get some rest.”

  The entire group save the watchmen came to a stop.

  “We’re going to shuffle it around now before our final stretch,” she shouted. “Everyone’s doing great.”

  Ja’a motioned to Ma’n and Te’o, indicating Po’l. “Guys, can you help him down?”

  “Bet you’re pretty happy about that, huh?” Duke directed his snippy query at Ma’n and Te’o.

  They did not respond.

  “Enough, Duke.”

  “I’m fine, Te’o!” huffed Po’l as he pushed away his fellow rebel. “I don’t need your help anymore.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You need to rest up. We’ve got a long way to go before we get to Orbius. We need you—not a shell of you.”

  “Ja’a, I’m fine. I might be a bit slow when we start again—but I don’t need anyone else holding me up. Ma’n, Te’o—thanks, but I can’t ask you to do any more than you already have. I’ll heal in due time, being carried or not.”

  “I don’t know how I feel about this, Po’l.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Okay, so you can hang in the middle tomorrow with Ishiro’shea. If you need assistance, I feel better ha
ving Ishiro’shea near you.”

  “I don’t need anything from that masked goon who’s too ignorant to even speak. He’s like an untrained pet.”

  “Looks like you do need him, actually,” Duke said.

  “What?” Po’l responded.

  “Turn around, genius.”

  Po’l about-faced and his nose nicked the edge of Ishiro’s katana—drawn in utter silence and ready to decapitate the Neprian rebel.

  “You can’t hear on account of having taken a sonic boom from Betsy right in the kisser, you can’t walk, you definitely can’t defend yourself—I think you need all the help you can get,” Duke said. “Starting with the fact that you need Ishiro to not cut your head off.”

  “Lower your sword,” Po’l commanded.

  Ishiro’shea did not budge.

  “He doesn’t like you,” Duke sneered.

  “Lower your sword.”

  “Po’l, not sure if you’re hazy or what—but we aren’t exactly your prisoners anymore. No rinky-dink cage separating us from you. You need to apologize.”

  “That’s not going to happen, off-worlder.”

  “So proud. But so dumb.”

  “He’s sorry,” chimed Ja’a, but Ishiro’shea remained steady.

  “Not good enough, I’m afraid. When you insult an Irish-Japanese ninja of the cachet and standing of Ishiro’shea—he was Salutatorian, you know—you can’t expect him just to lower his blade because some pretty girl asks him to. Po’l’s slanderous jab insulted Ishiro’s honor—he’s sliced folks in twenty neatly cut ribbons for far less than what your colleague did.”

  Po’l and Ishiro continued to lock eyes. Pol’s brash self-assurance slowly became something resembling panic—or at the least, anxiety. He knows Ishiro means business.

  “Fine, I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry—about what?”

  “I’m sorry that I called you ignorant.”

  “Because you know—what?”

  “I know—I know.” Po’l searched for the words.