How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “Oddly enough, no. Something about the temple spooked them.”

  “Not sure what would spook an undead swamp monster,” said Duke.

  “I think He’j knew. He never told us why, but he said that re-entry into the temple would be certain death. Neither he nor Togg ever mentioned the reason. He’j was not prone to exaggeration and, coupled with the fact that the cannibals didn’t take it over, that was good enough for us. We all assumed that traps were in place to protect the Orb and that they remain still. Traps that only He’j and Togg knew or that they placed on their exit.”

  “Or maybe something worse,” added Po’l.

  “I hate to agree with Po’l,” Duke began, “but, in my experience, it’s always something worse.”

  Po’l looked shocked.

  “What else, Lo’n? Let’s say we get past the flesh-craving inbreds… What’s next? I’m assuming they’ll have a welcoming party in charge of guarding the northern entrance to the wall and making sure no one gets in. Or, in our case, gets out.”

  “It is heavily guarded.”

  “Great.”

  “But, I’m not too worried about that.”

  “Why? Because of Ol’ Betsy?” Duke said with a grinning confidence.

  “No. Because I know where the gaps are. It’s a bit rougher terrain but they leave it open because—”

  “Let me guess,” interjected Duke, “because they don’t think anyone could make it through whatever is on the other side.”

  “Yes. We would have to go through the heart of the swamp.”

  The Neprians exchanged glances without saying a word.

  “So instead of just having to avoid these cannibals, we’re going to break into their house, urinate on the living room floor, and try and leave without being caught?”

  “I’m not sure I follow but, yes, it will be a trickier proposition.”

  “Is that how you and my father got through?” Ja’a asked.

  “No, not exactly. He’j remembered a passage from his trip with Togg that was clear—however, it was blocked up after we got through. But to our knowledge, they never added support to the area that marks the end of the swampland. Togg said it was pointless and Orbius—once again, to our knowledge, hasn’t any reason to go against that thinking.”

  The bounty hunter stood up and paced around the group. He tipped the brim of his hat. “Let’s say we get through the cannibal-infested swamp and beyond the wall—without having to fight through the priests. Then what?”

  “It’s a long trek to Sansagon. The direct route is mostly grasslands. Not a lot of hiding; we’ll be exposed. On the positive side, there aren’t many towns or outposts that could spot us. We will probably have to deal with a few scouting parties, but I don’t think that will be our biggest concern.”

  “And that would be?”

  “Grundar.”

  “Oh, right. I forgot about the damn grundar.”

  “You don’t think we’ll actually come in contact with them, right?” asked Ja’a.

  “Probably not. You never know.”

  “Have you seen them?” she asked.

  “No.”

  “No one here has seen one? And yet we are freaking out over a potential attack?”

  “Yes.”

  “I think someone might be pulling one over on ya’. I mean, invisible beings forcing you to do and not do certain things based on extreme consequences—pretty sure that’s a relatively common annoyance in most every developing civilization.”

  “Grundar are very real, Duke.”

  “Believe what you want to believe. If we’re lucky enough to avoid these mysterious, magical flying kitty cats, is it a straight shot to the fortress?”

  “Yes.”

  “And can we get in?”

  “I believe so. Our theory—that a small unit can penetrate Orbius’ base—is sound. We could never win all all-out attack, even if we had greater numbers.”

  “Did you actually make it in last time?” asked Po’l.

  Lo’n looked around at the group. “No.”

  There was some mild grumbling amongst the team. Even from Ja’a.

  “Hey, he’s been closer than any of us,” Duke started, “and he witnessed He’j make it through. Tell ‘em, Lo’n.”

  “You’re right.”

  “So what happened on that mission?” inquired Po’l.

  Lo’n looked at Ja’a.

  “Ja’a—”

  “Go ahead, Uncle. I can handle it. I know my father was killed at the hands of Orbius—it’s something that has petrified my heart—so the details of your attempt won’t change anything. We need to know what you know, if we are to have any chance at success.”

  “Very well.” Lo’n cleared his throat. “Our party was about the size of this one. As we descended upon the fortress, we decided to split up and search for weaknesses around the entire perimeter. Unfortunately, most of us discovered guard units. We fought valiantly. He’j found a way in—through an underground tunnel—and came back to tell us. He discovered me engaged in a brutal fight with three priests.”

  “What happened?” asked Bu’r.

  “He’j helped me defeat them. We quickly went to the defense of our other comrades... but were too late. We lost everyone. Then He’j told me to do something that I regret to this day.”

  Lo’n bowed his head.

  “It’s okay, Uncle. Go on. Please.”

  “He told me to go back to the coast. I needed to tell everyone that there was a way in—a natural tunnel system that originated from a cave north of the base. If we both attempted entry and failed, the cause would have to start over from the beginning. He said the knowledge was greater than both he and I.”

  Lo’n hung his head. A tear ran down Ja’a’s cheek.

  “And so I left him,” Lo’n continued. “I left him there to die. I can’t help but think that I could have saved him; that we could have defeated Orbius... together.”

  “But Uncle, if my father’s fear came true, and you both were killed, we wouldn’t know that there’s a way in.”

  “However,” Duke began, “since He’j made it through—”

  “They probably have sealed off that passage. Doubled down on any weakness,” Po’l said, finishing Duke’s thought.

  The rebels looked around at one another. No one said a word. Their gazes focused on Lo’n as they awaited his response.

  “My gut tells me that it’s still open.”

  “And why is that?” asked Po’l.

  “He’j didn’t go in that way. He discovered it, yes, but he didn’t use it.”

  “What?”

  “He felt that if I could bring back a party—armed with the knowledge that I had gained about the fortress—it would be better than this one single shot. We could send a troop or two through the tunnels and then a few to do exactly what he did.”

  “And that was?”

  “Walk right up to the front door and knock.”

  “But why?” Ja’a cried. “That would’ve been suicide. My father didn’t have a death wish.”

  “No, but he cared about this cause more than anything and he knew that he wasn’t destined to be the savior. That honor—that destiny—would fall to someone else.”

  Ja’a began to weep softly. Ishiro’shea put his arm around her.

  “I made my way back to the coast—but, as you know, that took me much longer than I had hoped.”

  “What caused the delays?”

  “Traveling alone with no food and in enemy territory is not easy. I had to scavenge and—I hate to admit this—steal from villages along the way.”

  “Did you have any run-ins with Gar’s men?”

  “Yes, I evaded capture once, just east of the Valley of the Grundar.”

  “And the cannibals?”

  “I was lucky. I traveled by day, and at night they paid me no interest—or did not pick up my scent.”

  “I’m glad you made it back, for one,” started the bounty hunter, “and I feel y
ou give us the edge we need to take down Orby, Gar, and whatever else is up in that fortress.”

  “For the Deus, right?” added Po’l.

  “Yes, for the Deus, of course,” Duke replied. “What else would it be for?”

  Ja’a began to laugh. Ishiro slapped him on the leg.

  “Now Duke, if I didn’t know any better, it seems that you might be coming around on this idea of helping out the cause,” added Lo’n.

  “I’m here for one reason and one reason alone—”

  “Yourself,” Po’l said, again finishing Duke’s thought—this time using a word selection he personally wouldn’t have chosen.

  “Well...”

  “Ja’a, I’m so glad that I found this,” interrupted Mo’a.

  Saved by the Mo’a.

  “What, Mo’a?”

  Mo’a extended his arm and in his hand dangled a long chain necklace. The interlocking rings were thick and clunky and appeared quite heavy. They were an odd mix of silver and black; almost like matted pewter. On the chain hung a pendant, lighter in color but chunkier in design. It was a half circle with a jagged edge down the center. It seemed to be part of a two-piece emblem, missing its complementary half.

  “What is this?” asked Ja’a.

  “This is something that your father wanted me to give you. He gave it to me before he left for Sansagon. I have no idea what it is, what it means, or anything. It’s nothing of value—it’s made from regular mustangsen. And I have no idea what the emblem means. I’ve never seen it before.”

  “Did you ask him when he gave it to you?” inquired Duke.

  “No, Duke, I did not. He was so very adamant about making sure she has it, I thought it might have some special meaning, like a family heirloom.”

  He handed it over to Ja’a. She examined it.

  “I have never seen this before.”

  “I have,” began Lo’n. “Your father wore the other half. He said it was good luck because he knew you would eventually wear the other half. The pendants formed a perfect circle—and, even though they were broken, they would be whole again. He believed it symbolized the Neprian struggle. The planet would be whole again. The mustangsen also served as a constant reminder of Orbius’ greed and evil—for it’s the very material that our brothers and sisters are dying in the mines to recover for his own vanity.”

  Ja’a placed it around her neck. Her tears evaporated and resolve hardened her expression.

  “Thank you, Mo’a. This means a lot. More than you will ever know. And thank you, Lo’n, for that story. When we defeat Orbius, I will find my father’s half and restore it—just as we will restore this planet.”

  The Neprians cheered. Duke and Ishiro’shea raised a glass next to their new comrades.

  “Let us enjoy these drinks. Tomorrow, we head north!”

  Chapter 26

  Missed Meeting

  “MAYBE WE SHOULD’VE TAPPED THE brakes on that ninth bottle of wine, huh?”

  Ishiro’shea raised his arm groggily and signaled a thumbs-up in the slowest of slow motion. His hammock rocked a bit... then some more... then the ninja was deposited face-first onto the hard stone floor.

  “Not very ninja-like, little buddy.”

  Duke splashed some water on his face, sat back down on the slab of weathered padding that constituted a bed, and covered his face with his hands.

  “Seriously, I think we might’ve hit it too hard—especially the day before an extremely long walk.”

  Ishiro repeated his earlier gesture—this time from a position face down on the ground.

  “At least the room’s an upgrade over our last Neprian accommodations.”

  “Off-worlders, you ready? We’re all meeting in the main hall.” The voice passed by the doorway and faded. Shut up, Po’l.

  “We’ll be there,” Duke shouted, but he knew it was hopeless that Po’l actually heard his response. He then turned to Ishiro. “Are you kidding me? They want us now? Do Neprians not get hangovers?”

  Duke closed his eyes.

  The pattering of feet continued to fill the hallway outside their room; a symphony of voices followed. Duke picked up his sidekick by the arm and propped him up against the door frame.

  “Look alive, Ishiro. Let’s just hope this is a quick strategy session. I mean it’s not like we won’t have days of walking... and walking... and walking to discuss how we’re going to hide from cannibals and hide from flying panthers and hide in tunnels. Damn, our entire game plan is to walk and hide. Anyways, let’s not keep ‘em waiting anymore. They probably can’t even start the meeting without us.”

  The duo left their room and made their way down a narrow stone corridor. A torch protruded from the wall every few paces so that the hall was adequately lit despite having no windows. The two exchanged stares with rebel soldiers and other assorted followers of the cause as they passed; it was obvious that these people knew more about Duke and Ishiro’shea than vice versa.

  The bounty hunters followed the sounds of commotion and turned right halfway along the corridor. They entered a vast circular public space; hundreds of Southerners navigated the room in rapid crisscross patterns without colliding with one another. Chatter, laughter, and animated discussion filled the room. Both men had to cover their eyes—the intense light was a drastic change from the torchlit halls. Duke looked up to see that the entire ceiling was a glass dome.

  “Hey you!” Duke shouted at a group of what appeared to be soldiers. They ignored him. “I said, hey you!”

  All four turned around in unison.

  “Yes, Duke LaGrange of Nova Texas,” one replied.

  “How do you know who I am? Never mind, don’t have time for it. Where’s the great hall?”

  The quartet laughed. “This is the great hall.”

  “That lying ass, Po’l. He said to meet him in the great hall. He thinks he’s so funny.”

  “I saw Po’l moments ago,” began another one of the soldiers, “but he was heading into the main hall.”

  “Are you serious? It’s way too early for this. Can you at least show me how to get to the main hall?”

  The soldier pointed to an oversized wooden door at the side of the room.

  “It’s just on the other side of that door. When you enter, there’s a hall—on the right is the hatchery for the winged flurn; keep following the hall and take a left immediately following the mail room. After a few paces you will see two spiral staircases—take the one of the left. The one on the right goes to the arts and crafts center.”

  “Where does the one on the left go? The opera house?”

  “No,” replied the solider, “that’s on the other side of the base.”

  “Of course it is.”

  The rebel continued, “But follow the right staircase down and you will see the door to the main hall.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Good luck.”

  “We might need it.”

  They followed the instructions to a tee, Duke only stopping to ask the hatchery attendant if he could order a bucket of fried flurn. The attendant did not find it humorous.

  Duke looked up at what had to be the door to the main hall, on the basis of the humongous placard that read: Main Hall.

  “Sorry we’re late!”

  The room was empty, with the exception of Lo’n and Ja’a.

  “Hey guys, you missed our chat.”

  “I see that.”

  “We leave after we all have a bite to eat. Sound good?”

  “Not really. What’s the plan?

  "I can fill you in on the way.”

  “Hopefully we won’t have to use these too often,” Lo’n said, hoisting a curved saber that was almost as tall as Ishiro’shea. Impressive.

  “Hey, buddy,” Duke said, nudging Ishiro. “Sword envy?”

  The ninja ignored him.

  “Okay, well then—where’s the grub?”

  “Ishiro’shea! Duke!” screamed a juvenile voice. It was Uu’k. “You can’t leave without saying
goodbye.”

  Duke glanced at Ja’a and mouthed, “Not going?”

  “Uu’k is going to stay here with Mo’a,” Ja’a replied. “She has earned some time away from Dre’en and from adventure. Also, she expressed interest in learning how to handle a sword.”

  Ishiro’shea knelt down beside Uu’k and they embraced.

  Duke patted her on the head. “See you soon, Uu’k.”

  “You better. I want Ishiro to teach me some of his sword tricks.”

  “I’ll do everything I can to make that happen, kid.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Now can I get an ‘Uncle Duke’ before we leave?”

  “No.”

  Lo’n laughed and handed Uu’k the hilt of his saber. The blade clinked against the ground with an excruciating sound. It was obvious that the Neprian child did not quite yet possess the physical strength to hold the sword aloft.

  “It will come with time, Uu’k. If we hurry—and if Ja'a says it’s fine—maybe we can do a quick beginner’s lesson before we have to leave.”

  Uu’k rushed out in her excitement to learn from the Neprian swordsman.

  Chapter 27

  A Counter-Orb?

  THE TREK FROM THE REBEL hideout to the entrance of the land bridge was a day and a half—at a brisk walk. Of the nine travelers, only Bu’r seemed to struggle with the pace. Lo’n, despite being the oldest, appeared to be affected the least. Duke’s earlier challenges to acclimate to the fresh air were behind him. Maybe I could get used to this whole non-pollution thing, he thought. It reminded him of his youth on Nova Texas. The good parts, at least.

  The wall itself was an ominous structure that could be seen miles away, rising above the forest. It was nothing like the divider that ran outside of Dre’en—it was more archaic, more primitive. Boulders made up its base—they decreased in size as they moved skyward. The top of the wall curved out and was laced with sharpened wooden pikes, presumably to annoy would-be breachers.

  From the coast, they had mostly traveled through uninhabited areas of forest and field, but the last few miles had been on a cleared path from one of the villages to the land bridge. The road led directly into a narrow archway in the wall—the only potential entryway visible from their location.