How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  Duke stored away Betsy and retrieved his revolver. He followed Ishiro’shea into the smoke-filled clearing. Rapidly, he volleyed off pulses at anything with a feculent odor. The sounds of his comrades’ voices were drowned out by the sounds of limbs being severed or blown off and splashing into the gloomy waters. He hoped the limbs didn’t belong to any of those comrades. The cannibals screamed and moaned but Duke wasn’t sure if that was from dismemberment or just their general disposition. He didn’t want to wait around and find out.

  “Duke, you’re the last through,” Ja’a screamed from a clearing ahead, alongside the bank of the swamp. “You, Ishiro’shea, and Ty’n need to make a break for it!”

  “Don’t need to tell us twice!” Duke pivoted and ran, a few paces behind his much speedier ninja companion. He turned to his left, “Hey Ty’n, don’t run so close to the swamp—that’s where—”

  Out of the corner of his eyes, Duke saw the cannibal leap from the water and grab Ty’n’s ankles. The Neprian rebel hit the ground and rolled onto his back. The monster dived on top of Ty’n in an attempt to smother him—but he received a dagger in the throat.

  “Get up!” shouted Po’l from up ahead. “They’re heading towards us.”

  Duke stopped and dropped two more of the cannibals that were closing in on Ty’n. He made his way out from under the deceased creature and started to head to rejoin the team.

  He increased his pace to a full sprint—partly to get away from hundreds of flesh-craving aberrations, partly to beat Ishiro’shea.

  “Okay, made it. What are we waiting on?” Duke huffed.

  Bu’r pushed Duke aside and charged back into the oncoming horde.

  Ty’n was back on the ground again. Two more cannibals halfway submerged in the swamp held his legs down. One had a dagger in the forehead but still appeared to be keeping the rebel at bay. Before Duke could blink, one dove on top of Ty’n. Then another. And another.

  Ty’n was no longer visible.

  Duke went to fire his gun, but halted.

  “Bu’r, come back here,” screamed Lo’n. “It’s too late. You’re going to get killed!”

  Bu’r swung his mace at the pile of swampfolk covering Ty’n’s body. He knocked down two at a time—but he made no gains. His face was red but his eyes were focused. He killed more cannibals in that burst than he had the entire day. But they kept coming.

  “Die! Die! Ty’n, can you hear me? Die!” Bu’r cried, still swinging.

  “We don’t have long before we’re back in the same situation that we were in a few moments ago,” Lo’n reminded Ja’a.

  “Somebody has to get Bu’r, right?” asked Te’o.

  Duke began to fire his revolver at the massive blob of mutants. He picked his march up to a jog.

  He looked back at the rebels and screamed, “Holy hedgehogs, are you morons? Run!”

  “But Duke?” shouted Po’l.

  “Run! Damnit, run!”

  Duke heard the splashing of puddles and the squishing of mud against boot soles. It became distant and faint very quickly.

  Duke was now behind Bu’r.

  “It’s time to go back,” Duke said calmly in between shots from his revolver. “Nothing you can do here, nothing you could’ve done.”

  The barrel-chested Neprian did not respond. He just kept bashing and clubbing. Cannibals fell to the left and right of him. But they kept coming.

  “Ty’n wanted to free his people. You can’t help him when you’re dead.”

  “Ty’n’s not dead!” shouted Bu’r, his eyes red and wet.

  “Bu’r, he’s dead!” Duke countered as he pushed back cannibals with more pulses.

  “Leave me alone! Go! Let me fight!”

  “You’re letting down Ty’n. You’re letting down Shud’nut. You’re letting down everyone. Don’t be selfish.”

  Bu’r let out a deep roar and swung his club in an elongated looping motion, crushing four skulls in the process.

  He turned to look at Duke. Pain riddled his gaze. Tears covered his upper cheeks. His stare said it all. He knew it was time to go.

  “For Ty’n.” Bu’r started to sprint north.

  “About damn time,” Duke said to himself as he followed Bu’r into the deeper part of the swamp.

  After a lengthy sprint, Duke could finally see the rest of the party up ahead. They were all sitting around a twisted tree, breathing heavily.

  “I’m sorry, Bu’r,” began Ja’a in a soothing tone before the distraught Neprian had any time to catch his breath. She placed her hand on his shoulder. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, then the husky Neprian sank to his knees. He wept loudly.

  “Ty’n fought valiantly. Your friend will be remembered with great reverence. Be proud of that, Bu’r.”

  “That skinny bastard wasn’t supposed to die like that,” Bu’r cried. “He deserved better. It’s my fault.”

  “Enough. You’ve seen great men and women die for the cause—and innocent people, too. Ty’n knew the risks and he wanted to make a difference. We need you alive to make sure that we do make a difference. Do you understand me?” Ja’a’s tone grew more unapologetic, more direct. “We will honor him by ridding Neprius of Orbius and his rule. We can’t do that without your help.”

  “Yeah, I’ve never seen an ass-whuppin’ like you put on those guys back there,” Duke added. “Quite impressive, if you ask me.”

  Bu’r looked up at the off-worlder. He wiped the tears from his cheeks.

  “Thank you, Duke.”

  Lo’n stepped in front of the bounty hunter and nodded at Ja’a.

  “I know we’ve been through a lot, but I must urge us to press on. And fast. They won’t stop following us. What they lack in foot speed, they make up for in perseverance.”

  “We don’t have to make it through the swamp—just until daylight. They won’t chase us in daylight. And that’s fast approaching,” Ja’a clarified.

  “Exactly. We need to put as much distance between us and them—and when the sun comes out, they’ll return to the swamp.”

  “Let’s hope we don’t have another ‘They won’t come near the temple’ moment again.”

  “I couldn’t agree with you more, Duke.”

  The morning light began to peek through the clouds above the land bridge—and, thankfully for Duke, it was only a short run. Traversing an entire alien continent—no matter how small—by foot was pushing his limits to begin with; having to run a marathon at the midway point was not his idea of a good time. Still, the swampy atmosphere of the land bridge was preferable to the cleanliness of Dre’en, he thought.

  “Much better,” Ja’a said as she stared up at the rays of light. “We should take some much-needed rest before night falls again.”

  Cheers erupted from the group—especially Duke. The northward march continued along the tributary; all members made sure to keep their distance from the water to ensure that Ty’n’s fate wouldn’t be replicated.

  “How are we doing, Lo’n? We should be close, right? Does this look familiar?”

  He did not respond.

  “Lo’n?” asked Po’l again.

  “I’m not sure. We followed the swamp until it hit the wall—that’s what I remember. But this vegetation—”

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t recall seeing it.”

  “Great!” shouted Po’l as he threw his hands in the air.

  “Everyone stop for a second,” Ja’a commanded, “and let’s give Lo’n a chance to collect his thoughts. You followed the river to the wall, right? And we’ve been doing that.”

  “I’m sorry, but this doesn’t seem right. In our haste fleeing from the cannibals—I think we might have gone down a different path than the one He’j and I took.”

  “But we are heading north, right?” asked Ma’n, looking up at the sky.

  “Yes.”

  “That’s good at least,” said Po’l. “I say we just push on north. Right, Ja’a?”

  “I’m sure there
’s more than one way to get to the wall,” added Te’o.

  “Yes, but I don’t know what lies in front of us down that path.”

  “How close are we?” asked Duke. “Approximately.”

  “I really don’t know.”

  “We couldn’t have steered off course too much. I mean, it wasn’t that long of a jog.”

  “I tend to agree with Duke,” said Ja’a. “Chin up, Uncle Lo’n. Whatever is ahead of us, we can handle.”

  “I’m more worried about what’s behind us,” chimed Duke.

  “So, does that mean we are on the march again?” asked Po’l. “Or can we rest?”

  “I think we should push on—just in case we are farther away than I remember.”

  “I agree,” said Ja’a.

  Her statement was met with grousing from the group.

  “Are you sure?” asked Po’l in a pleading tone. “It’s been a pretty taxing trip. Between the sneak attack and Ty’n—”

  “Ja’a’s right,” interjected Bu’r, surprising everyone.

  “Are you sure you can continue?” asked Po’l. “You’ve had a worse day than any of us.”

  “I think we should go. While it’s light outside. I don’t want anything else to happen to us.”

  Ja’a smiled back at Bu’r. He blushed and returned a nod. On that exchange, the entire group picked up their weapons and started to jog northward—but stopped as they approached the gargantuan patch of foliage that first alerted Lo’n that they weren’t on the same path as he had previously trekked.

  “Left or right?”

  “I guess I should make that call, huh?” answered Lo’n. He pointed his saber to the left.

  “Sounds good to me,” added Duke.

  And the group was on the move again.

  “So far, so good, huh?”

  “Seems that way,” replied Lo’n.

  “I would consider getting out of the swamp to be good,” smirked Po’l.

  “I don’t disagree with Po’l,” added Ja’a. “Lo’n, any feeling on how much longer?”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know. But it can’t be much farther to the wall. At least I don’t think so.”

  “We do have daylight on our side,” said Ma’n, clearly searching for a silver lining.

  “I’m afraid that might not be the case.”

  At Ja’a’s statement, the group halted immediately. She pointed ahead of them. To their left remained the ever-present swamp; to the right, the thick dense forest. The light pierced through the sparse canopy overhead, illuminating their path. However, the road seemed to end. The forest and swamp merged together with only humps of solid ground peeking up from the fetid muck as if they were tiny islands amidst a great sea. Even worse, the canopy’s coverage became much less sparse—in fact, it became a shield against the sun’s rays. They would have to enter a realm of pure darkness during the middle of the day.

  “Weapons out. Let’s light some torches. Only enough to see,” Ja’a barked. The team followed her commands promptly—even Duke.

  “Surely there’s another way,” muttered Te’o.

  “We don’t have time to turn around and try another path. We push on.”

  They picked up the pace as they entered the swampy forest. The last few shafts of light petered out as the water began to cover more and more of the muddy terrain. Even the trees seemed to become more twisted and sinister. The concentration of the odor increased—the smell of death and rot was so potent, Duke felt it might crush his lungs. His eyes stung.

  The rebels hopscotched from dry patch to dry patch, trying to avoid watery missteps. They didn’t want to find out what the noise from an echoing splash might waken. They had already lost one valuable team member to this swamp. Losing another was not part of the plan.

  “This isn’t getting any less spooky.”

  “Scared, Duke?”

  “No, Po’l, but—”

  Ja’a silenced them with a simple shush.

  “Stop,” she whispered. “Be alert.”

  “Holy hedgehogs,” Duke said, mimicking Ja’a’’s whisper.

  Eyes appeared within the foliage along their right flank. Then subtle gurgles. The limbs of the dying trees rattled. Heads started to bob out of the swamp in front of them, behind them, all around them.

  “We’re surrounded.”

  The swampfolk started to mobilize on their right—the others held steady.

  “This isn’t some primitive brawl. They're coordinated,” noted Duke.

  “Hold still, keep your weapons drawn,” commanded Ja’a. “If we move, we go in one direction—straight ahead and try and outpace them.”

  “The water is going to slow us down—it won’t be a simple footrace like before,” corrected Lo’n.

  “It’s our best bet.”

  Lo’n concurred with a look of defeat.

  “Look, they’re moving. Over there,” said Ja’a.

  The swamp creatures on the right flank parted to allow other creatures to advance towards the rebels. These two mutants carried torches and what appeared to be clubs rendered from the sturdy swamp trees. However, these fire-bearing swamp men stopped well before the group.

  “Guards,” said Duke.

  “Of what?” asked Po’l.

  “Him.”

  Emerging from behind the line of cannibals was a creature nearly two heads taller than the largest mutant that they had fought off. He was draped in a cloak of mud and leaves and barbed branches. Moss seemed to cover his entire cranium, dripping down from his forehead and over his eyes. Glimmers of mustard-colored eyes peeked through. It was if he was a living extension of the swamp itself. It was clear that he was the Alpha King of the Swamp.

  He stared directly at Duke. It was as if he knew that Duke was not like the others. He then raised his hand above his head and closed it, clenching his fist.

  The arrow that Ja’a loosed was swift and struck the Alpha King squarely in his wrist. It did not exit the mutant; he looked at the arrow resting lifelessly in his flesh. He then pulled it through his body slowly. The King roared with laughter.

  “He means business,” said Duke.

  The King dropped his arm and the legions of quasi-humans screamed and grunted in unison. They charged. Duke’s first pulses didn’t make it to the King, clipping the guards instead.

  “Run, everyone!”

  Ja’a made it only a few paces before she encountered an impenetrable roadblock of mutant cannibals.

  “Looks like another dogfight. You ready, Ish?”

  The ninja nodded back at his companion.

  The mutants closed in.

  “Or maybe not,” said Duke slyly. He pushed Ma’n and Te’o aside and proceeded to the front of the line. He put away his revolver.

  “Little buddy, if this doesn’t work and you get out of here—tell the Queen that she owes you a few drinks.”

  The Nova Texan strutted to the barrier of swampfolk nonchalantly, sporting a nervous grin.

  “So,” he started. “Someone told me that you might want to try a free sample of our latest fragrance.”

  The monsters returned blank stares.

  “He’s lost it,” chimed in Po’l.

  Duke grabbed the perfume bottle and sprayed a few puffs in the general vicinity of the beasts. They paused—then let out glass-breaking shrieks of agony. Many fell immediately to the ground and contorted in pain. Others dove back in the swamp. However, this clearly angered the other mutants surrounding them but out of the radius of the perfume spray. They pushed on.

  “Okay, you can go now,” Duke said to the group. He sprayed more perfume, clearing a way for the rest of the party.

  Almost out.

  “They’re still coming,” shouted Lo’n.

  “You’ll need to run faster, then.”

  The King himself was now approaching the group, keeping pace—it was clear that he knew how to traverse the shallow waters better than the rebels.

  “Glad I grabbed another one,” Duke said to hims
elf. He threw the bottle up in the air—high above the head of the King and the most aggressive pursuers. One blast from his pulse pistol shattered the bottle—creating a dense perfume mist that fell on their heads. Some of the cannibals dropped like flies; others turned and ran in the opposite direction of the escaping Neprians.

  Duke and Ishiro’shea headed toward the group. The sprint seemed like a blur, but the two covered more ground than they thought.

  “The wall’s just up here,” shouted Lo’n. “It might be a tough climb.”

  “No time for that,” returned Duke, now caught up. “I’m done with this swamp.”

  Betsy 1, Wall 0.

  One by one, the members of the group climbed through a gaping hole in the wall and landed on the drier surface of the northern land mass.

  “So, Duke, where did you get that—spray?”

  “Long story. Remember the temple? Yeah, we met this guy.”

  Chapter 30

  Nice to See You Again

  “THAT’S QUITE A TALE,” LO’N said. “Don’t you think?”

  He looked towards J’a.

  “Yes, quite.” She spoke softly, as if she was still contemplating what Duke had told her.

  “I don’t believe it,” Po’l said forcefully. “Not for a solitary moment do I believe that. He’j wouldn’t steal anything.”

  “He might,” Ja’a began, stunning Po’l, “if he thought it was in our best interest.”

  “And who wouldn’t be freaked out by a giant monster guard? Introducing himself probably wasn’t high on He’j’s ol’ ‘What should I do now?’ list,” Duke reminded them.

  “True.” Ja’a paused. “But to the more pressing issue. There’s no excuse for abandoning your post and leaving us in a very precarious situation.”

  Duke had no retort.

  “I think he’s making it up,” Po’l started again, “so we’ll think his nighttime escapade that left us vulnerable to those cannibals wasn’t for nothing.”

  “How do you explain the perfume?” asked Duke.

  “Po’l, we don’t have time for this now,” Ja’a said. “It’s a lot to digest. We’ve put a good distance between us and the swamp so I don’t see us having to deal with this ‘Keeper.’ But it’s all very interesting.”