The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe

by Joseph Fink

  CECIL: Thank you. Hiram?

  HIRAM-GOLD: Night Vale . . . sure, there is a faceless old woman secretly living in your home, and I respect that. She is vaguely familiar and unsettlingly comfortable, and I admire that. But isn’t it time we stopped this politics as usual? Isn’t it time we got the government out of our homes? There once was a day when we all needed government agents snooping around in our books and dishes. That was a different time. Should the government really be able to touch our necks and be aware that we smell nice? I say no. I’m literally a five-headed dragon. I don’t know anything about being a human. I do things like breathe fire, fly, regenerate limbs, and molt. I don’t care anything about your personal lives. They’re your choice. I wouldn’t even know how to interfere.

  HIRAM-GREEN: YOU ARE INFERIOR AND EMOTIONALLY CONFUSING ANIMALS.

  HIRAM-GOLD: So vote for me, Hiram McDaniels. I’m literally a five-headed dragon with no regard for human life . . . choices. Human life choices.

  CECIL: Thank you both. I’m sorry for the technical difficulties. I don’t know if you can hear that, but there is a very soft humming sound coming from the mics or the soundboard or something.

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: I don’t hear it, Cecil.

  HIRAM-GOLD: I don’t hear a thing.

  CECIL: I remember this sound from before. We’ll have an engineer come take a look at it. In the meantime, ladies and gentleman and all in between, the deer have gotten quite out of hand. One of the Sales staff, thank you, Roberta, just handed me a note that says there are dozens of deer surrounding this station and trying to peer into the windows.

  HIRAM-GOLD: That’s your humming sound right there then. I could go outside and set fire to them. That would be a very mayoral solution.

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: That’s a fool’s errand, Hiram. Did you never play Deer-Duck-Dragon? Dragon beats duck, but deer beats dragon.

  HIRAM-GOLD: So we need a duck?

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: No! Deer beats duck too. Deer beats everything. It’s a terrible game.

  CECIL: She’s right, Hiram, but it’s not the deer. The humming is something worse. Listeners, I fear something much worse is lurking. So as we all hide from the deer, hide from the hum, and hide from it all, I take you now . . . to the weather.

  WEATHER: “Promise to the Moon” by Jason Webley

  CECIL: Listeners, the quiet humming is not the deer, but a swirling, black vortex just outside our studio door. In fact the deer have backed away from the station. I have seen this vortex before, listeners, and I am afraid to approach it, but Hiram went to look inside.

  HIRAM-GOLD: Hey, I found this guy in the vortex.

  KEVIN: Hello.

  CECIL: Who is this man? Not man. Who is this . . . creature? Why is he covered in blood? Where are his eyes?

  KEVIN: Hi, I’m Kevin.

  CECIL: You stay away!

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: Hello, Kevin. That’s Cecil. Wow, you guys look almost just alike.

  KEVIN: Oh, hello, Cecil. Nice to meet you. And yes, I completely see the resemblance. It’s mostly in the eyes, I think. I met Hiram and now Cecil. Who are you?

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: I am the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home. Well, most homes. Not yours. I’ve never seen you before.

  KEVIN: Faceless? You’re not faceless. You have a beautiful face. A memorable face. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen such deep hazel eyes or proud lips or archaic jaw.

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: I do not have a face, Kevin. I have never had a face.

  KEVIN: You do have a face, and it’s unlike any other face in history.

  CECIL: Why are you here? Explain to me what you are doing here.

  KEVIN: Oh, sure! Well, I was sitting in my own radio studio in my own town and I heard that humming again. I saw a spiraling white vortex, and rushed into it. It has been months since I have seen it, and I once met a man there who looked like me, with my eyes and my smile. I think he was you, Cecil. I know that I am Kevin. I know I have been in this strange studio before, with its old-timey microphones and acoustic gray-foam walls. A place like this is usually covered in clumps of hair and reddish-brown handprints streaking down the only remaining unshattered window. But they do things differently here in . . . Where is this?

  HIRAM-GOLD: Night Vale.

  KEVIN: Oh my! So this is Night Vale. How delightful. Hello out there, Night Vale listeners. This is Kevin from Desert Bluffs. You know, I was just telling my intern, Vanessa. I was telling Vanessa just today how much I have wanted to come here. I’m always telling her that, as a matter of fact. I just never get around to actually visiting. Work and family, and you get so busy, it’s hard to find the time. And so here I am. I wish Vanessa were here. She would love Night Vale. You guys have such . . . you know? We always talk about coming here, and here I am without her. Oh, I wish you could have met Vanessa. Always a joke to start the day. She had one about limestone this morning. I don’t remember it but it was a hit. Always a laugh. Always a smile. A big smile where she’d show me all these perfect teeth and I would just imagine the rest of her perfect skull. Funny how the skull is so visible in your mouth. Weird. Who thinks about that stuff? I don’t know. Weird, right?

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: Maybe next time you come you could bring her.

  KEVIN: Oh gosh, I wish, but no.

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: No?

  KEVIN: Oh, dear, I’m sorry, no. Vanessa died many years ago. We’re all still very upset about it. Very upset about what we saw. Some of us never came back to work again. Some of us never left our houses again. Most of us never woke up again. I don’t like to talk about it much.

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: I’m sorry.

  KEVIN: Night Vale, I don’t know why I was brought here, but I am starting to see we are connected, and by more than just a two-lane highway. We are connected much more deeply, Night Vale. And if this is true, I imagine your town too has been seeing a rise in the deer population this evening. It is a blessed event, of course, as these deer have been so very helpful to all of us in Desert Bluffs. Doing all our math problems . . . Gaining us extra work hours by time traveling us back and forth . . . So productive and adorable, those deer! But of course there is sometimes too much of a good thing.

  Strexcorp, our parent company—and I believe yours too now, Cecil—is issuing a recall on all these time traveling deer. They tried to implement the project slowly, but it got a little carried away. If you have lost loved ones or are no longer in your original timeline or universe, then we apologize. Please contact Strexcorp attorney Luisa Reyes, as she is preparing a class action lawsuit against Strexcorp. We’ve already budgeted for the remuneration for community harm, so don’t you worry about us. We’re fine.

  We’ve sent helicopters to dispatch the deer. If you have earplugs, you may want to put them in now, or simply turn up some loud music to drown out the machines and screams for the next hour or so.

  I can hear the fading hum of the vortex that fortuitously connects our two radio studios, Night Vale. Cecil, I will see you again, I am certain. I can’t wait to tell Vanessa what a great town this was. I must go.

  It was nice to meet you two.

  [Exits]

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: He saw that I had a face. I have never seen my face. What do I look like Hiram? Am I beautiful?

  HIRAM-GOLD: You are beautiful when you do beautiful things. Do you do beautiful things?

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: I think that I do.

  HIRAM-GREEN: THEN YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. IT IS A SIMPLE CALCULATION, YOU SMALL, DEFENSELESS SACK OF BONES AND MEAT.

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: Thank you, Hiram. You are beautiful too. Cecil, you are . . . distracted.

  HIRAM-GOLD: Cecil? You all right?

  CECIL: I . . .

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: Cecil? It’s going to be okay. Actually, that’s a lie. In general, it’s not going to be okay.

  HIRAM-GOLD: That man with missing eyes, bloodstained skin, and teeth like an abandoned cemetery was certainly terrifying, but he’s gone now.

&nbs
p; CECIL: He was . . .

  FACELESS OLD WOMAN: Cecil. We all get frightened and freeze in the face of unbearable terror. I mean, only if we can see that face. Some faces are apparently there, but unseeable.

  CECIL: I . . . You are right. Thank you both.

  Candidates, thank you also for coming on the show tonight. I think you both would make an excellent mayor. I look forward to casting a meaningless vote for one of you soon.

  Listeners, thank you for listening to the show tonight. Remember that you may hear terrible machines and screams as corporate agents terminate the false deer. Their attempt to destroy our way of life by bringing us together as one has failed. We are free to remain ourselves and find our own connections—beautiful or grotesque. Either way, a beauty or grotesquery of our own choosing.

  So relax tonight Night Vale. You are yourself. You are safe. Tonight is a good night. Tomorrow is unconfirmed. We will all find out together.

  Thank you again, candidates, and listeners do not forget to cast your vote on election day. We do not know where votes will be cast, what day election day is, or if votes are even read. But it is your democratic duty.

  Stay tuned next for a chasm of subjectivity and bravado between yourself and every other human being.

  Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

  PROVERB: Don’t judge a book by its cover, by its leather cover, by its human skin–looking cover. Don’t ever judge that book.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  Thanks to the cast and crew of Welcome to Night Vale: Meg Bashwiner, Jon Bernstein, Marisa Blankier, Desiree Burch, Nathalie Candel, Emma Frankland, Kevin R. Free, Mark Gagliardi, Angelique Grandone, Marc Evan Jackson, Maureen Johnson, Kate Jones, Erica Livingston, Christopher Loar, Hal Lublin, Dylan Marron, Jasika Nicole, Lauren O’Niell, Flor De Liz Perez, Teresa Piscioneri, Jackson Publick, Molly Quinn, Retta, Symphony Sanders, Annie Savage, Lauren Sharpe, James Urbaniak, Bettina Warshaw, Wil Wheaton, Mara Wilson, and, of course, the voice of Night Vale himself, Cecil Baldwin.

  Also and always: Jillian Sweeney; Kathy & Ron Fink; Ellen Flood; Leann Sweeney; Jack and Lydia Bashwiner; Anna, Sam, Levi, and Caleb Pow; Rob Wilson; Kate Leth; Jessica Hayworth; Holly and Jeffrey Rowland; Zack Parsons; Ashley Lierman; Russel Swensen; Glen David Gold; Marta Rainer; Andrew Morgan; Eleanor McGuinness; Paul Sloan; John Green; Hank Green; Patrick Rothfuss; Cory Doctorow; Andrew WK; John Darnielle; Dessa Darling; Aby Wolf; Jason Webley; Danny Schmidt; Carrie Elkin; Eliza Rickman; Mary Epworth; Will Twynham; Erin McKeown; Sxip Shirey; Gabriel Royal; The New York Neo-Futurists; Freesound.org; Mike Mushkin; Ben Acker and Ben Blacker of The Thrilling Adventure Hour; the Booksmith in San Francisco; Mark Flanagan and Largo at the Coronet; and, of course, the delightful Night Vale fans.

  Our agent Jodi Reamer, our editor Amy Baker, and all the good people at HarperPerennial.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Joseph Fink created the Welcome to Night Vale and Alice Isn’t Dead podcasts. He lives with his wife in New York.

  Jeffrey Cranor cowrites the Welcome to Night Vale podcast. He also cocreates theater and dance pieces with choreographer wife, Jillian Sweeney. They live in New York.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at HC.com

  ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS

  Cecil Baldwin is the narrator of the hit podcast Welcome to Night Vale. He is an alumnus of the New York Neo-Futurists, performing in their late-night show Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind, as well as Drama Desk–nominated The Complete and Condensed Stage Directions of Eugene O’Neill Vol. 2. Cecil has performed at the Shakespeare Theatre Company, DC, Studio Theatre (including the world premiere production of Neil LaBute’s Autobahn), the Kennedy Center, the National Players, LaMaMa E.T.C., Emerging Artists Theatre, and at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. Film/TV credits include Braden in The Outs (Vimeo), the voice of Tad Strange in Gravity Falls (Disney XD), the Fool in Lear (with Paul Sorvino), and Billie Joe Bob. Cecil has been featured on podcasts such as Ask Me Another (NPR), Selected Shorts (PRI), Shipwreck, Big Data, and Our Fair City.

  Disparition is a project created by Jon Bernstein, a composer and producer based in Brooklyn, New York. More at Disparition.info.

  Kevin R. Free is a writer/performer whose work has been showcased on PRX’s The Moth Radio Hour and NPR’s News & Notes. His most recent work, created with Eevin Hartsough, is the Web series Gemma & the Bear! (www.mycarl.org), which is the recipient of several awards, including an Award of Excellence from the Best Shorts Competition. His full-length plays include (Not) Just a Day Like Any Other, written and performed with Christopher Borg, Jeffrey Cranor, and Eevin Hartsough; A Raisin in the Salad: Black Plays for White People; The Crisis of the Negro Intellectual, or TRIPLE CONSCIOUSNESS; Night of the Living N-Word; and AM I DEAD?: The Untrue Narrative of Anatomical Lewis, The Slave (commissioned by Flux Theatre Ensemble through the FluxForward program, 2015). He is an alumnus of the New York Neo-Futurists, with whom he wrote and performed regularly in Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes) between 2007 and 2011. More at www.kevinrfree.com and on Twitter ©kevinrfree.

  Glen David Gold is the author of the novels Carter Beats the Devil and Sunnyside.

  Jessica Hayworth is an illustrator and fine artist. She has produced a variety of illustrated works for the Welcome to Night Vale podcast since 2013, including all posters for the touring live show. Her other works include the graphic novels Monster and I Will Kill You with My Bare Hands, as well as various solo and group exhibitions. She received her MFA from Cranbrook Academy of Art, and lives and works in Detroit.

  Maureen Johnson is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of several YA novels, including 13 Little Blue Envelopes, Suite Scarlett, and The Name of the Star. She has also done collaborative works, such as Let It Snow (with John Green and Lauren Myracle) and The Bane Chronicles (with Cassandra Clare and Sarah Rees Brennan). Maureen has an MFA in writing from Columbia University. She has been nominated for an Edgar Award and the Andre Norton Award, and her books appear frequently on YALSA and state award lists. Time magazine has named her one of the top 140 people to follow on Twitter (©maureenjohnson). Maureen lives in New York, and online on Twitter (or at www.maureenjohnsonbooks.com).

  Ashley Lierman is a professional university librarian and an occasional writer. Apart from contributing guest episodes to Welcome to Night Vale, she writes the monthly column “Queer Quest” for the news blog of the American Library Association’s GLBT Round Table, in which she discusses LGBTQ+ representation in video games, comics, speculative fiction, and other forms of niche media. She has also contributed to two short story anthologies by the independent genre fiction press the Sockdolager (www.sockdolager.net), and has appeared as a guest on the podcast I Haven’t Seen That (www.ihavent seenthat.com).

  One of the creators and cohosts of We Got This with Mark and Hal on the Maximum Fun Network, Hal Lublin is an accomplished actor and improviser. Best known for his work as one of the core WorkJuice players in The Thrilling Adventure Hour and Steve Carlsberg on Welcome to Night Vale, Hal plays Wide Wale and Manolo on The Venture Bros. and will recur on Cartoon Network’s upcoming series Mighty Magiswords. His work runs the gamut from animated films and television programs to radio shows and video games for CBS, Happy Madison, Disney, SyFy, JibJab, Wired, and more.

  Originally from Birmingham, Alabama, Jasika Nicole studied theatre, voice, and dance at Catawba College in North Carolina before moving to New York City to pursue a career in the arts. She got her start in musical theatre but is best known for her role as Agent Astrid Farnsworth on Fox’s sci-fi series Fringe. In addition to performing, Nicole has a degree in studio art and is an accomplished illustrator as well as a published author. An avid DIYer, Nicole knits, sews, bakes, makes shoes, and builds furniture in her spare time. Miss Nicole resides in Los Angeles with her lovely wife, Claire.

  Zack Parsons is a Chicago-based humorist and author of non-fiction (My Tank Is Fight!) and fiction (Liminal States). In addition to Welcome
to Night Vale, he has worked with Joseph Fink on the website Something Awful and can also be found writing for his own site, the Bad Guys Win (www.thebadguyswin.com). You can call him a weird idiot on twitter at ©sexyfacts4u.

  Lauren Sharpe lives in Brooklyn with her husband and twin daughters. She listens to trees and believes in magic. More at www.LaurenSharpe.com.

  Mara Wilson is a writer, storyteller, and voice actress. Her voice can be heard on BoJack Horseman, and her writing can be read on the Toast, McSweeney’s, Jezebel, Reductress, Cracked, and her own website, www.MaraWilsonWritesStuff.com. She is the author of the book Where Am I Now? available from Penguin books.

  PRAISE FOR WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE: A NOVEL

  “Fink and Cranor’s prose hints there’s an empathetic humanity underscoring their well of darkly fantastic situations. . . . As a companion piece, Welcome to Night Vale will be hard to resist. Though the book builds toward a satisfyingly strange exploration of the strange town’s intersection with an unsuspecting real world, [its] mysteries—like the richest conspiracy theories—don’t exist to be explained. They just provide a welcome escape.”

  —Los Angeles Times

  “The book is charming and absurd—think This American Life meets Alice in Wonderland.”

  —Washington Post

  “Longtime listeners and newcomers alike are likely to appreciate the ways in which Night Vale, as Fink puts it, ‘treats the absurd as normal and treats the normal as absurd.’ What they might not foresee is the emotional wallop the novel delivers in its climactic chapters.”

  —Austin Chronicle

  “The charms of Welcome to Night Vale are nearly impossible to quantify. That applies to the podcast, structured as community radio dispatches from a particularly surreal desert town, as well as this novel.”