Midwife...to Mum!

by Sue MacKay

  The sunny winter’s day had brought everyone out to San Remo to stroll along the wharves and look at the fishing boats tied up. The restaurants and bars were humming as the locals made the most of fewer tourists.

  ‘What’s your preference for lunch?’ Flynn asked Ally, after they’d walked the length of the township’s main street and had bumped into almost the entire register of his patients at the clinic.

  ‘Fish and chips on the beach.’ Then she smiled at him.

  Her smiles had been slow in coming since he’d returned home, making him wonder if she felt he’d been using her. Which, he supposed, he had, but not as a planned thing. She’d been there when he’d got both calls and he hadn’t hesitated to ask her. She could’ve said no. ‘Good answer. There’s a rug in the boot of my car we can spread on the sand.’

  Had he used Ally by putting his work before what she might’ve wanted? Just like old times. But asking Ally to stay was putting Adam first, just not her. Turning, he touched a finger to her lips. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Being you. I’m going to get lunch.’

  ‘Adam and I will be over on that monster slide.’

  ‘He’s conned you into going down that?’ Flynn grinned. ‘Don’t get stuck in the tube section.’

  Yep, this felt like a regular family outing. Dad ordering the food, Adam wanting to play with Mum. Except Ally wasn’t Mum, and never would be.

  Which part of having a short affair had he forgotten? As much as Ally turned him on with the briefest of looks or lightest of touches, no matter how often they fell into bed together, this was only an affair with a limited number of days to run. When was that going to sink in?

  While he waited for his order he watched the woman causing him sleepless nights. She smiled sweetly at his son bouncing alongside her, said something that made him giggle. Then she rubbed her hand over his head, as she often did. How come Adam didn’t duck out the way as he did with other people who went to touch him?

  Flynn sighed. Should he be getting worried here? How would his boy react when Ally left them? Yes, he’d asked himself this already, and would probably keep doing so until he knew what to do about it. He’d have the answer on the day Ally left.

  The real problem was that he didn’t want to stop what he and Ally had going on. It was for such a short time, couldn’t he make the most of it? Wasn’t he entitled to some fun? If only that’s all it was, and the fun didn’t come with these conflicting emotions.

  The fish and chips were the best he’d ever had, the batter crisp, the fish so fresh it could’ve still been flapping. The company was perfect.

  Ally rolled her eyes as her teeth bit into a piece of fish. ‘This is awesome. I’m going to have to starve all week to make up for it.’

  As if she needed to watch her perfect figure. ‘We’ll eat salads every day till next Sunday.’

  Surprise widened those beautiful eyes. ‘Something you haven’t talked to me about yet?’

  It had only occurred to him at that moment. ‘You might as well join us for dinner every night. I like cooking while you obviously have an aversion to it. Next Saturday we can visit the wildlife centre.’ Once he got started, his plan just grew and grew. ‘Fancy a return visit to Giuseppe’s on Saturday night? It’s band night.’

  ‘Don’t tell me. The old two-step brigade.’ She grinned to take the sting out of her words.

  ‘Way better than that. The college has a rock band that’s soon going to compete in a talent show. Giuseppe’s way of supporting them is to hire them on Saturday nights. He says the music is crazy.’

  ‘We can crazy dance, then. Yes to all those invitations. Thank you. You’ve saved me having to stock up on instant meals.’ She wrapped up the paper their meal had come in and stood to take it across to a rubbish bin.

  ‘Can we go to the wildlife park now, Dad?’

  ‘Not today, Adam. You’ve already had a busy weekend, going places that you don’t usually visit.’

  ‘But, Dad, why can’t I go? Now?’

  ‘Don’t push it, son. We’re going home. I’ve got things to do around the house.’ Flynn could feel that tiredness settling over him again, stronger this time. He yawned just as Ally sat down on the sand again.

  ‘Can’t hack the pace, eh, old boy?’

  ‘I don’t know anyone who can run a marathon first up after no practice for years.’ Not that making out with Ally felt as difficult as running a marathon. It all came too naturally.

  ‘So that’s why we do sprints.’ Her grin turned wicked and the glint in her eyes arrowed him right in his solar plexus.

  It also tightened his groin and reminded him of the intensity of her attraction. They’d be waiting hours before they could act on the heat firing up between them. Adam did put a dampener on the desire running amok in his veins.

  ‘Dad, we’re going to the school tomorrow.’

  ‘What school? What are you talking about?’ First he’d heard of it.

  ‘Where the big kids go. Marie’s taking me with the play group to see what it’s like.’

  He’d phone Marie when they got home. ‘Are you sure?’ This sounded like something he should be doing. ‘That’s my job, taking you there. I’m your parent, not Marie.’

  Ally put a hand on his forearm. ‘Wait till you’ve talked to her. Adam might’ve got it wrong.’ The voice of reason was irritating.

  ‘I doubt it. Marie should’ve mentioned it. She knows that when it comes to the major parenting roles I’ll do them. Not her or anyone else.’ Now he sounded peevish, but he was peeved. ‘I’m doing what Anna would’ve wanted. What I want. I’m not a surface parent, supplying warmth and shelter and avoiding everything else going on in Adam’s life. No, thank you.’

  She pulled her hand away, shoved it under her thigh. ‘Has anyone suggested otherwise?’ An edge had crept into her tone.

  Had he come across too sharply? Probably. ‘Sorry, but you don’t understand.’ Had she just ground her teeth? ‘When Anna was alive she did most things with Adam. We agreed she’d be a stay-at-home mother, and when she died I wanted nothing more than to stay at home with him, but of course that’s impossible.’

  ‘How can you say I don’t understand? What do you know about me? I might have ten kids back in Melbourne.’

  ‘Perhaps you should try telling me something.’ He drew a calming breath. This was crazy, arguing because Adam might be going to school with Marie tomorrow. It wasn’t Ally’s fault he hadn’t known or that he felt left out. ‘Have you had a child?’ he asked softly after a few minutes. Had she been a teenage mother who’d had her baby adopted?

  ‘No,’ she muttered, then again, a lot louder. ‘No. Never.’

  ‘Got younger brothers and sisters, then?’

  Now her hands fisted on her thighs. ‘No.’

  He backed off a bit, changed direction with his quest for knowledge about her. ‘Why did you choose midwifery as your specialty?’ Was that neutral enough? Or was her reason for becoming a midwife something to do with her past? A baby she wasn’t admitting to?

  ‘I wanted to be a midwife after helping deliver my foster-mother’s baby at home when I was fifteen. The whole birthing process touched something in me. I’d never seen a newborn before and I knew immediately I wanted to be a part of the process.’

  Flynn wanted to know how Ally had found herself in that situation, but he didn’t dare ask. Instead, he said, ‘Birth is pretty awe-inspiring.’

  ‘You’re saying that from a parent’s perspective.’ She stared out beyond the beach at who knew what. ‘My foster-mother let me hold the baby and when she asked for him back I struggled to let him go. He was beautiful and perfect and tiny. And vulnerable.’

  Flynn sat quietly, afraid to say anything in case she closed down.

  ‘For the first time in my life I’d experienced something so amazing that I wanted to do it again and again.’ Her fingers trailed through the sand. ‘I felt a connection—something I’d never known in my life.’


  The eyes that finally locked onto his knocked the air out of his lungs. The pain and loneliness had him reaching for her, but she put a hand on his chest to stay him, saying, ‘Until that moment I’d supposed birth and babies were things to be avoided at all cost. My own mother abandoned me when I was only days old.’

  He swore. Short and sharp but full of anger for an unknown woman. How could anyone do that? How could Ally’s mother not have wanted her? But, then again, as a doctor he’d seen plenty of people who just couldn’t cope. Drug problems, mental illness, abusive partners—sometimes bringing up a baby was beyond people when they couldn’t even take care of themselves.

  She continued as though she hadn’t uttered such a horrific thing. ‘There was something so special about witnessing a new life. New beginnings and hope, that instant love from the mother to her baby.’ Ally blinked but didn’t cry. No doubt she’d used up more than her share of tears over the years. ‘It doesn’t matter how many births I’ve attended, each one rips me up while also giving me hope for the future.’

  ‘Yet you don’t stay around long enough to get involved with your mums and their babies.’

  ‘No.’

  So Ally didn’t believe in a happy future for herself.

  Her laugh was brittle as she shifted the direction of the conversation. ‘I had one goal—to become a midwife. Shortly after my foster-mother’s baby arrived, I went back into a group home, but I enrolled for night lessons at high school and worked my backside off during the day. Finally I made it to nursing school and then did the midwifery course and here I am.’ The words spilled out as though she wanted this finished. But she couldn’t hide her pride.

  ‘It must’ve been darned hard work.’ Lots of questions popped into his head, questions he doubted she’d answer. Ally looked exhausted after revealing that much about herself. It obviously wasn’t something she did often—or at all.

  The drive home was quiet. Flynn’s forefingers drummed a rhythm on the steering wheel as his frustration grew. He’d learnt something very important about Ally that had briefly touched on who she was, and yet it wasn’t enough. There had to be so much behind what he’d heard, things she obviously kept locked up, and he needed to hear them. How else could he help her?

  ‘Dad, stop. You’re going past our house.’

  Flynn braked, looked around. ‘Just checking to see if you were awake.’

  Ally stared at him like he’d grown another nose. ‘It’s dangerous not to concentrate when you’re driving.’

  Because she was right and he didn’t want to tell her what had distracted him, he ignored her and pressed the automatic garage door opener.

  Inside the house, Flynn reached for the kettle. ‘What would you like to do now, Ally?’

  She tensed briefly then shook her head. ‘You know what? I’m going to head back to the flat. I’ve got a few chores that need doing.’

  His heart lurched. ‘Thank you for sharing some of your story.’

  Her deliberate shrug closed him off from her. ‘I’m just your regular girl. And this regular girl needs to do some washing and answer some emails before work tomorrow.’

  He wanted to insist she stay and share a light dinner, watch a movie on TV with him, but for once he knew when to shut up. ‘Okay. I’ll see you in the morning, then.’

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ALLY DROPPED HER keys on the bench and stared around Kat’s flat. Not grand on any scale, but a cosy and comfortable bolthole for Kat at the end of her day, a place to kick off her shoes and be herself. A place to face the world from.

  What had possessed her to spill her guts to Flynn? At least he’d understand why she wasn’t mother material. But it was Adam’s laughing face cruising through her mind, teasing her with hope when in reality she wasn’t ready for a child, would never be. Ally caressed her two ornamental dogs, her mouth twisted in sadness. Real-life pets required stability in their lives. The idea of owning a home hadn’t made it onto her list of goals for the next ten years. She faced everything the world threw her way by digging deep and putting on a mask. She didn’t need bricks and mortar to hide behind. Honestly, she had no idea about setting up a home that she could feel comfortable in.

  Would I feel more content, less alone, if I had a place I could call home? A place—the same place—to live in between jobs, instead of bunking with whoever has a spare bed?

  Sweat broke out on her upper lip. Her stomach rolled with a sickening sensation. Thirty-one and she’d never had a home, not even as a child. Those foster-homes she’d lived in had been about survival, not about getting settled. She’d always tried so hard to please her foster-parents in the desperate hope they’d fall in love with her and adopt her, but that had never happened. The only time she’d believed she might be there long term had ended in tears and her packing her few possessions to take to the next stop in her life. She’d finally wised up to the fact—starting with her own mother—that no one cared for her enough to give her what she craved.

  Don’t go there. You’ve been over and over and over trying to understand why she left you on a stranger’s doorstep. There is no answer.

  Poking around in her bag, she found her music player, put the earbuds in and turned the volume up loud. Music helped to blot out the memories. Sometimes.

  Then her phone vibrated against her hip and broke through her unease. Removing the earbuds, she answered the phone. ‘Hey, Lilia, glad you rang.’ Curling up on the settee she sighed with relief. A bit of girl talk would send those other thoughts away. ‘What have you been up to?’

  Lilia had refused to be pushed away while she’d been on a job in Lilia’s home town, and they’d become friends despite her wariness.

  ‘Just the usual. What about you? Having a blast on the island?’

  ‘Yep, it’s great.’

  ‘Try to sound like you mean that,’ Lilia said. ‘Not like you’ve been sent to the middle of nowhere with no man in sight.’

  That might’ve been boring, but it would’ve been safer. Flynn was sneaking in under her radar. She drew a breath and found some enthusiasm. ‘Oh, there are men here. Even downright drop-dead sexy ones.’

  ‘Ones, as in many? Or one? As in you’re having fun?’

  ‘One. Dr Flynn Reynolds. Do you know him? He used to work at one of Melbourne’s hospitals, left about two years ago.’

  ‘The name doesn’t ring any bells, and I can’t picture him. Is he a GP?’

  ‘A GP, a widower and father of one. Perfect for a short fling.’

  ‘Why do I hear a note of uncertainty?’ Lilia suddenly laughed. ‘Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve gone and fallen for him? You? Miss Staying Single For Absolutely Ever? I don’t believe it.’

  ‘That’s good because it’s not true.’ Not true. Not true. Her heart thudded so loudly Lilia probably heard it. Her fingers gripped the phone. ‘We’ve been doing the legover thing, even taken the dog and kid for a walk, but that’s as far as it’s going.’

  ‘Taken the kid and dog for a walk?’ Lilia shrieked. ‘That’s Domesticity 101. You are so toasted.’

  Panic began clawing through Ally, chilling her, cranking her heart rate up. ‘Seriously.’ She breathed deeply. ‘Seriously, it’s all about the sex. Nothing else.’

  Lilia was still laughing. ‘Go on, tell me some more. Is this Flynn gorgeous?’

  ‘Yes, damn it, he is.’

  ‘Good. Is he a great dad?’

  ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ The panic elbowed her. Adam was happy, but even if he wasn’t, that had nothing to do with her. Unless she was contemplating having babies with the man. The phone hit the floor with a crash.

  Slowly bending to retrieve the phone, she couldn’t think of what to say to Lilia. She didn’t know what to think, full stop.

  Fortunately, Lilia had no such difficulty. ‘What happened? You okay? I’m sorry if I’ve upset you. You know I mean nothing when I say these things.’

  Swallow. ‘Sure. I dropped the phone, that’s all.�
� Another swallow. ‘Lilia, what if I did like Flynn? I can’t do anything about it. I know nothing about families or looking after kids or playing house.’

  ‘Hey, girlfriend, go easy on yourself. You’re so much better than you think. You’re capable of anything you set your mind to. I know you haven’t told me everything, but how you handled putting yourself through school and getting a degree shows that in bucketloads. Do you really like him?’

  Unfortunately, it could be shaping up that way. It would explain her unease and sudden need to re-evaluate her life. But it was early days. She’d soon be out of here and so would whatever feelings she was dealing with. She’d settle back to her normal, solo life and forget Flynn. Easy. ‘He’s okay. So how’s it going in Turraburra? Any interesting men coming your way?’

  ‘That’s why I rang.’ Lilia got a giant-sized hint without having to be bashed over the head. ‘You know Noah Jackson, don’t you?’

  ‘Enough to say hello to and swap a sentence or two about our weekends whenever I bump into him, which isn’t often as I rarely see the surgical teams. Seems an okay guy, though.’ She turned the tables. ‘You interested in him?’

  ‘I’ve heard he’s starting here in a month or so, apparently.’

  ‘He can’t be. You’ve got the wrong guy. Noah doesn’t do general practice. He’s a senior surgical registrar, not a GP. Great guy he may be, but he’s very determined to get to the top of his career—and that does not include sitting and talking to mothers and their colicky babies in a small town.’

  Lilia sniffed. ‘Nothing wrong with general practice.’

  ‘I know that. But I can’t see Noah fitting into it. Nah, you’ve got the wrong guy. The Noah I know wouldn’t be seen dead in a place like Turraburra.’

  ‘Well, I heard he’ll be with us for four weeks. Perhaps it’s a mistake.’