by Sue MacKay
I want what Marie’s got. Shivers ran through her and her skin lifted in goose-bumps. No. I can’t, don’t, won’t.
Straightening up, she slapped away the tears and returned to her patient. Marie was still talking to Mark and didn’t seem to notice her return. Had she seen her leave?
Then Marie was pushing again and this time there was no relief. Baby was coming and Ally prepared for it. ‘The head’s out. Here come the shoulders. That’s it. Nice and gentle now.’ She spoke louder so Mark could hear everything. Her hands were under the baby’s head, ready for any sudden rush as the baby slid out into its new world. And then, ‘Here he is, a beautiful boy. Oh, he’s a sweetheart.’
Her heart stuttered. She’d called Adam a sweetheart earlier. It was one thing to say that about a baby she wouldn’t be seeing much of, but Adam? He was wriggling into her heart without trying and soon she’d have to say goodbye.
‘Can I hold him?’ Marie asked impatiently, reaching out.
‘In a moment. The APGAR score’s normal.’ Ally gently wiped away vernix, mucus and blood spots from his sweet little face.
‘Give him to me, give him to me. Mark, we’ve got a boy. He’s gorgeous. Looks like his dad.’
Ally rolled her eyes as she placed the baby on Marie’s swollen breasts. ‘I need him back in a moment to weigh him.’
Mark was yelling out to his crewmates, ‘It’s a boy. I’m a dad.’ And then he was crying. ‘Wish I was with you, babe. Tell me everything, every last detail. Are we still going to name him Jacob?’
‘Well, I can’t name him after our midwife so I guess so. I think it suits him.’ Marie was laughing and crying and drinking in the sight of her son lying over her breast.
‘Here comes the placenta.’ Ally clamped it and cut the cord. ‘I need to examine you once more, then I’ll cover you up and let you talk to Mark alone for a bit.’ Adam would be getting lonely out in the lounge. She’d make him a bite to eat, poor kid.
Her examination showed a small tear. ‘You need a couple of stitches. Nothing major,’ she added when worry entered Marie’s eyes. ‘It often happens in fast deliveries.’
‘Right.’ Marie went back to talking to Mark, the worry gone already.
Ally quietly went about retaking Jacob’s APGAR score. His appearance and complexion were good. Counting his pulse, she tried not to listen in to the conversation going on between Jacob’s parents, concentrating on the sweet bundle of new life. Her heart swelled even as a snag of envy caught her again. She could have it all if only she found the right man. Flynn instantly popped up in her head. Losing count, she started taking Jacob’s pulse again, this time totally concentrating and pushing a certain someone out of her skull.
‘Pulse one hundred and ten. Good.’ She flicked lightly on Jacob’s fingers, watched as he immediately curled them tight. ‘Reflex good, as is his activity.’ His little legs were moving slowly against his mother’s skin, and she couldn’t resist running a finger down one leg. He hadn’t done more than give a low gasp but his chest was rising and falling softly. So his respiratory effort was okay. Ally wrote down her obs and then dealt with the tear while Marie carried on talking.
She found Adam in the lounge, despondently pushing a wooden bulldozer around the floor. He leapt up the instant he saw her with the rubbish bag. ‘Ally, has the baby come?’
‘Yes, and it’s a little boy.’
Adam stared up at her. ‘Can I see him now?’
‘I can’t see why not.’ She took his hand and walked down to Marie’s room, saying to the new mum, ‘You’ve got your first visitor.’ And then her heart squeezed.
Marie was cuddling her precious bundle and trying to put him on the breast. ‘I hope Jacob takes to this easily.’
‘Don’t rush. It takes time to get the hang of it.’ She went to help position Jacob.
Marie smiled down at her boy. Then looked up. ‘Hello, Adam, want to see Jacob? Come round the bed so you can see his face. Isn’t he beautiful?’
‘Can I hold him?’ Adam hopped from foot to foot and Ally saw the hesitancy in Marie’s expression.
‘Not today. He’s all soft and needs careful holding. But tomorrow you can. He’ll be stronger then.’
Adam stood close to Marie and stared at the baby. Slowly he placed one hand very carefully on his tiny arm and stroked it. His mouth widened into a smile. ‘Hello, baby.’
Ally’s eyes watered up. She’d never forget this moment. Adam’s amazement, Marie’s love, Jacob so tiny and cute. She’d seen it before, often, but today it was definitely different. Not because she’d begun to see herself in Marie’s place, holding her own precious bundle of joy. Definitely not because of that.
She stood there, unable to take her gaze away from the scene, unable to move across to the towels that needed to be put into a bag for the laundry company. Just absorbing everything, as though it was her first delivery. The incredible sense of having been a part of a miracle swamped her. Could I do this? Give birth myself? Having a baby wasn’t the issue. She’d be fine with that. But everything after the moment she held that baby in her arms—that was the problem. Did she have mothering instincts? Or had she inherited her mother’s total lack of interest when it came to her own child, her own flesh and blood?
She couldn’t afford to find out. It wouldn’t be fair on her baby if she got it wrong.
‘Marie, you certainly don’t waste time when you decide you’re ready to have your baby.’ Flynn strode into the room and came to an abrupt halt. ‘Adam, what are you doing in here?’
CHAPTER TEN
‘DAD!’ ADAM JUMPED up and down. ‘Marie’s got a new baby. I think it hurt her.’
‘What?’ Flynn spun around, his face horrified, and demanded, ‘How does he know that?’
Ally stepped up to him. ‘Adam did not see the birth, if that’s what you’re thinking.’
‘Then explain his comment.’
Ally backed away from the anger glittering at her. ‘He asked why he couldn’t come in here and I said that having a baby is private and sometimes it hurts a little.’ She had not done anything wrong.
Marie was staring at Flynn like she’d never met him before. ‘For goodness’ sake. Do you think either of us would’ve allowed him in here while I was giving birth? Seriously?’
Flynn shoved a hand through his hair, mussing it up, except this time that didn’t turn Ally on one little bit. ‘I guess not.’
‘Dad, I helped Ally. I got water and the heater.’
Flynn’s mouth tightened.
Ally told him, ‘Adam left everything outside the door. The closed door.’ Why can’t he see the pride shining in his son’s eyes? She ran a hand over Adam’s head. ‘My little helper.’
Flynn flinched. ‘Sorry for jumping to conclusions, everyone.’ He was starting to look a little guilty. ‘I never did do anything about making alternative arrangements for this eventuality.’ He gave Marie a rueful smile. ‘Now can I meet Jacob?’
Reluctantly Marie handed the baby over. ‘Only for a minute. I don’t like letting him out of my arms.’
Ally watched Flynn’s face soften as he peered into the soft blue blanket with its precious bundle, and felt her heart lurch so hard it hurt. There was so much love and wonder in his expression she knew he was seeing Adam the day he’d been born. It was a timely reminder that she didn’t have a place in his life.
Spinning around, she shoved the baby’s notes at Marie. ‘I’ll make that coffee I promised.’ Like when?
Marie was quick, grabbing her hand to stop her tearing out of the room. Her eyes were full of understanding. ‘White with two sugars.’ She nodded and let Ally go.
Thank you for not outing me.
Flynn was oblivious anyway, so engrossed in Jacob that it was as though no one else was in the room.
When she returned with three coffees he was reading the notes and only grunted, ‘Thanks,’ at her. Guess he’d finally worked out where his loyalties truly lay, and they weren’t with her.
&nb
sp; Ally asked Marie, ‘Is there anything you want me to do? Washing? Get some groceries in?’
Flynn answered before Marie could open her mouth. ‘No need. Marie’s mother will be here soon.’
Marie gaped at him. ‘Tell me you didn’t phone her.’
Colour crept into Flynn’s cheeks and another dash of guilt lowered his eyebrows and darkened his eyes. He was having a bad afternoon. ‘With Mark at sea for another week, you need someone here. Who better than your mother?’
‘You know the answer to that,’ Marie growled. ‘Ring her back and tell her to turn around.’
‘You don’t think this is an opportune time to kiss and make up?’ Flynn asked. ‘Estelle sounded very excited about the new baby.’
Ally looked from Marie to Flynn. What was going on here? They knew each other well, but for Flynn to be telling Marie to sort her apparent problem with her mother could be stretching things too far. Time for a break from him. Taking Adam’s hand, she said, ‘Come on, let’s get you some food. I bet your tummy’s hungry.’
‘It’s always hungry.’
She glanced at Flynn as she reached the door and tripped. He was staring at her with disappointment in his eyes. ‘What?’ she demanded in a high-pitched voice.
He shook his head. ‘Nothing.’
Hadn’t she been telling herself what she and Flynn had going was only a short-term fling? If she needed proof, here it was.
In the kitchen Ally put together enough sandwiches for everyone. She got out plates and placed the food on them. Next she put the kettle on to make hot drinks all round. All the while she was trying to ignore that look she’d seen in Flynn’s eyes.
Adam chomped through two sandwiches in record time.
‘Slow down or you’ll get a tummyache.’
‘No, I won’t. My tummy’s strong.’ He banged his glass on the table.
Ally smiled tiredly at the ring of milk around his mouth and ignored the tug at her heart. ‘Wipe your face, you grub.’
Flynn strode into the kitchen and picked up one of the sandwiches, munched thoughtfully.
‘Dad, can I see the baby again?’
‘Of course you can. But be very careful if you touch him. He’s only little.’ Flynn watched his son run down the hall, a distant gleam in his eyes making Ally wonder what he was thinking. When Adam disappeared into Marie’s room he closed the kitchen door and she found out. ‘Marie’s very happy with how you handled the birth. Said you were calm and reassuring all the time.’
‘I’m a midwife, that’s what we do. It’s in the job description.’
‘What I don’t condone is my son’s presence in the house at the time. He shouldn’t have been with Marie from the moment she went into labour. Why couldn’t you have gone next door to see if Mrs James could look after him?’
‘One, there wasn’t a lot of time. Two, as I don’t know Mrs James, I’m hardly going to leave a small boy with her. Your small boy at that. You could’ve arranged for someone to come and collect him. You did get my message?’ Two could play this game.
‘Why didn’t you get Megan to arrange someone?’
‘It’s not my place to make demands of your receptionist.’
Flynn didn’t flinch. ‘What was Adam doing while you were occupied with Marie? You weren’t keeping a proper eye on him, were you?’
‘You know what? Adam isn’t my responsibility.’ She was repeating herself, but somehow she had to get through that thick skull. Except she suspected she was wasting her time. Maybe shouting at him might make him listen. But as she opened her mouth her annoyance faded. She didn’t want to fight with him.
‘But you were here. You could’ve taken a few moments to find a solution. Marie’s baby wasn’t going to arrive that quickly.’
Maybe he had a point, and she had made a mistake. ‘I’m sorry. I got here as soon as I could after Marie phoned to say she’d gone into labour. Everything was hectic and Adam was happy watching TV.’ But she should’ve thought more about Adam. Just went to show how unmotherly her instincts were. ‘I did my best in the situation. I explained to Adam what was happening and he was happy to bring towels and water to leave outside the bedroom door. Not once did he see anything he shouldn’t.’
‘He’s a little boy.’ Flynn wasn’t accepting her explanation. ‘He’d have heard her cries and groans. It’s not a massive house.’
‘He was safe. I didn’t put him in a position where he’d be scared, and I honestly don’t think he was.’ Her guilt increased. She should’ve thought more about Adam’s age, should’ve tried harder to find a solution. He might’ve heard things a young child was better off not hearing. What if he had nightmares about it? But he’d been excited to see Jacob, not frightened of the baby or Marie. But there was no denying she’d got it wrong. Apparently she should’ve seen to Adam before Marie.
Ally shivered. Forget thinking she might have her own baby. She wasn’t mother material. Having never had the parental guidance that would’ve made her see how she should’ve cared for Adam had shown through this afternoon. One thing was for sure, she wouldn’t be any better with her own.
At least she could be thankful that she’d had a reminder of that now and not after she’d given in to the yearning for her own baby that had begun growing inside her. She would not have her own children. That was final. She squashed that hope back where it belonged—in the dark, deep recesses of her mind, hopefully to stay there until she was too old to conceive.
Flynn waited until Marie’s mother arrived before he took Adam home. Talk about being a spare wheel. Ally and Marie talked and laughed a lot, getting on so well it reminded him of Anna with Marie. Ally had fussed over the baby while his mum had taken a shower, but handed Jacob back the moment Marie returned to her bedroom. She hadn’t been able to entirely hide the longing in her eyes.
Flynn had tried to deny the distress he’d seen in Ally’s face earlier. The distress that had changed to bewilderment and lastly guilt—brought on by him. The guilt had still been there whenever she’d looked at him, which was probably why she’d kept her head turned away as much as possible. He’d become the outsider in that house. Marie and Jacob and Adam had got all her attention. And he’d hated that. So he’d taken Adam and left. Like a spoilt child.
Now at home he swore—silently so Adam didn’t pick up any words he’d then be told off for using. Then he deliberately focused on his son and not the woman who had his gut in a knot and his head spinning. He really tried. Adam, my boy. I love you so much I’m being overprotective. But that’s better than not caring.
If ever there was a woman he could’ve expected to look out for Adam it was Ally. Not to mention Marie. He’d seen that stunned look on Marie’s face when he’d given Ally a hard time. Of course Marie would know how unusual it was for him to lose his cool.
He cracked an egg and broke the yolk. ‘Guess that means scrambled eggs and not poached.’ He found a glass jug and put the pan away. Broke in some more eggs, whisked them into a froth and added a dash of milk. ‘Adam, want to put the toast on?’
‘Okay, Dad.’ His boy stood on tiptoe at the pantry, reaching for the bread. ‘Why isn’t Ally sleeping over?’
Because your father’s been a fool. ‘She’s tired after helping Jacob be born.’
‘I like Jacob.’
Adam sounded perfectly happy, as if being around while a birth was going on was normal. And why wouldn’t it be? Ally had made sure Adam wasn’t affected by seeing anything untoward.
Flynn put the eggs into the microwave. Ally, I’m so sorry for my rant. It was my responsibility to look out for my son, not yours, or anyone else’s. Ever since Anna’s death he’d been determined to be the best dad he could to make up for Adam not having a mother. Hell, that’s why they lived on the island and he did the job he did. Yet today he’d been quick to lay the blame right at Ally’s feet for something that bothered him.
Sheba rubbed her nose against his thigh and he reached down to scratch behind her ears. ‘Hey, girl, I
’ve made a mess of things.’ Picking up his phone, he punched in Ally’s number. His call went straight to voice mail. ‘Ally, it’s Flynn. I’d like to talk to you tonight if you have a moment.’
But he knew that unless she was more forgiving than he deserved, she wouldn’t call. Action was required.
‘Adam, want to go and see Ally?’
The shout of ‘Yes!’ had him turning the microwave off and picking up his keys. ‘Let’s go.’
Despite the absence of the car in Kat’s drive, Flynn still knocked on the front door and called out. ‘Ally? Open up.’
Adam hopped out and added his entreaties but Ally wasn’t answering.
Flynn doubted she’d be hiding behind the curtains. That wasn’t her style. Ally wasn’t at home.
Back on the road Flynn headed to town to cruise past the restaurants and cafés. ‘There.’ He pointed to a car parked outside the Chinese takeaway and diner.
‘Yippee, we found her.’ Adam was out of the car before Flynn had the handbrake on.
‘Wait, Adam.’ Though Ally was less likely to turn away from his son, he had to do this right or there’d be no more nights with her in his bed, or meals at Giuseppe’s, or walks on the beach. There aren’t going to be many more anyway. She leaves at the end of next week. He wouldn’t think about that.
She sat in a corner, looking glum as she nodded her head to whatever music was playing through her earphones.
‘Ally, we came to see you.’
Her head shot up when Adam tapped her hand. ‘Hey.’ She smiled directly at his son. ‘Are you here for dinner?’ Did she have to look as though she really hoped they weren’t?
Flynn answered, ‘Only if it’s all right with you.’