Circle of Secrets

by Lauren Tisdale

  “I’ll take care of it. She’ll be fine.” Taking her hand and placing an arm across her back, she helped Marissa walk towards the exit. She felt so broken inside seeing her daughter so defeated. There was silence as they walked back to the car, and even more silence on the drive back. She didn’t seem to have any words of advice to give Marissa, feeling just as hopeless as she did. Part of her wanted to keep faith that there would be a donor found in a reasonable amount of time, along with medication and treatment to prolong her good health. She knew her daughter’s health was deteriorating and the dialysis could only do so much for her. Helen felt as if she had let Marissa down. Although it wasn’t her fault, she still felt like she had failed her. So close to being a match, but under the circumstances close would not cut it. She could see the sorrow written all over Marissa’s face.

  “We’ll get through this, I promise you. We will find a way.”

  “Maybe we’re just not meant to. I have to start accepting that my life may not be a long as other people’s,” Marissa said with a somber voice. It seemed as if she was beginning to give up and Helen would not allow that.

  “No, you won’t accept anything but what you deserve. You deserve a long, healthy life. You have to stay positive or else you let this disease win. Don’t let it take your faith, please. Do not give up.” Helen spoke with conviction, determined to keep her daughter’s spirit strong. Miracles happened every day, time may be ticking but as long as they held onto their faith, nothing could defeat them. It was all God’s will, but she would fight until the end to keep her daughter here with her. She’d only just gotten her back in her life and could not bear to let her go just yet.

  “I’m trying but it seems like every which way I turn, I keep getting knocked back down. It’s tiring and I’m not sure I can continue to fight a losing battle.”

  “You are not the type of person to give up. You’re my daughter after all, there surely is some fight in you. You have Sophia, Carlos, your lovely mother and father. And…now you have me and my family. You’re not supposed to fight alone. That’s what we’re here for, to help pick you back up when you’re down.”

  “Thanks, Helen. I mean, Mom. Sorry. I know you’re trying to help, and I know you mean well. I just feel so helpless right now. You’re right though, I won’t give up. I can’t.”

  Helen smiled and continued to drive, thankful that her daughter would not give up. There had to be someone who was a match for her. Reaching over, Helen grabbed Marissa’s hand and squeezed, giving her a warm motherly smile.

  “Good, I’m glad you agree. Now what would you like for dinner, whatever you want. My treat. I’ll get some take out or cook for you. No arguments,” she said as she smiled playfully.

  “I’m really not sure, my appetite isn’t what it used to be.”

  “Well, you have to eat dear. Even if it’s just a little bit.”

  “A meatloaf would be good.”

  “Meatloaf it is.” Helen nodded and turned on the road that led to Marissa’s place. She would make the best of her time here while she could.

  Carlos waited until they were outside and ran a hand over his face with a heavy sigh. He felt anger, the same as Marissa. It was exhausting, the whole process. You try to hold out hope that things would work in your favor and then, they don’t. He didn’t blame her for feeling so exasperated with it all. Placing his hands on the wall, he looked down as he tried to keep his anger in check. Something had to be done, he had to do something. He couldn’t lose her, he really loved her. To the deepest parts of his soul, he knew she was the woman for him. He would not give up, not that easily. Shutting his eyes, he focused on Marissa’s face when she was happy. The news from today was still fresh in his mind as tears stung his eyes. He clenched his jaw and refused to let his tears fall. The sounds of the hospital intercom paging different doctors gave him something to focus on. Dr. McKeon walked past him and he turned around.

  “Danny…”

  She stopped and turned to see Carlos. “Oh hey, I thought you’d left. Everything okay? Well, you know what I mean,” she asked as she walked closer to him.

  He looked around and shifted his weight, struggling with the words. “I want…can you…if I…” Fighting back the tears that threatened to fall, she sensed his distress and opened her office door to lead him in.

  Closing the door behind her, she looked at him with concern. “Carlos, what is it? Are you okay?”

  “I love her Danny…more than anything, more than life. Test me…I want to be tested. But I don’t want to tell her and get her hopes up only to destroy them later. I feel like I’m the last hope she has and I have to do something. Move her name up, something Danny…we have to do something. Anything…please? I hate to beg but I just cannot lose her.” Tears fell from his eyes as he spoke with a pleading cracked voice, overwhelmed with emotion. This was his final hope, the last thing he could think to do. Maybe he would be her match, if not maybe Danny could do something. He abruptly sat down on the chair in her office and wiped his face.

  Danielle looked at him with sad eyes and sighed as she leaned against her desk. “I suppose we could run tests, I mean it wouldn’t hurt to. If you’d rather I not say anything, then I won’t.”

  “But…what are the odds? Be straight with me.”

  “It’s hard to say, Carlos. At this point in time it’s just as common for a non-related donor to be a match just as it is for a blood related donor. It’s 50/50.”

  “Let’s do it. Soon as possible please.”

  She nodded and looked at her watch, “I’ll put in the orders right now, you should be able to bring them to the hospital and do it today. I’ll have the results in three to five days.” She started for the door and turned back around. “And Carlos, don’t beat yourself up if you’re not a match. Please. We’ll help her somehow.”

  He looked down and wiped his eyes as she left the room. Standing there in the silence as the door closed, he looked at the ceiling and said a silent prayer to anyone that was listening. “Dear God…if there is a God, or whoever is listening. Please let me be able to help her. Please.” He dropped his head into his hands and blew out a breath. There in Dr. McKeon’s office, he cried in the privacy it provided and let it out. He could not show his vulnerable side to her, not when he had to be strong for her. The thought of losing her was unbearable and he knew what he needed to do. He had to keep it a secret so that it just wasn’t another letdown. Until the results were in, he would be a nervous wreck. It would be hard not to tell her, but in the long run he was just saving her the pain and heartache if by chance he was not a match. He sat there for what felt like the longest time as he pulled himself together and placed his remaining hope in Danielle and God. Between the two of them, there had to be a solution or a miracle. Right now, he was not going to be picky.

  * * * *

  “The sun is out, how about we all go to the park? Marissa?” Helen asked softly a few days after they’d found out that she wasn’t a match for her daughter, that no one was. Each passing day she spent hours talking to Marissa, learning about her life, about Sophia’s. She had fallen in love with Sophia and Marissa’s parents, Mike and Susanne. Carlos had been tight-lipped and seemed distracted lately when he was around. She felt so bad for him, knowing the pain he felt that he couldn’t do anything. She knew because she felt the same way, a helpless bystander who could only sit and watch the one she loved suffer.

  Helen’s plan was to go back to Tennessee tomorrow and she wanted to spend her last day of this visit in good spirits, seeing her daughter smile. She wanted to see them all before she left to go home, having formed a great relationship with the couple that raised the child she gave birth to. At times, she felt like her father had stolen from her the opportunity to raise her own child and be a mother, but she pushed that to the back of her mind. She had forgiven him, forgetting the pain would be harder. “We can call up Mike and Susanne, too, I’d like to see them before I have to go.”

  Marissa smiled and turned
to face her. “I like that idea. Sophia?” she called out and Sophia came running in with a smile.

  “Yes, Momma?”

  “Would you like to go to the park with Gramma, Grampa and…”

  “Miss Helen, or Grandma Helen. Whichever you prefer,” Helen added, sensing Marissa’s confusion on what name to use.

  They all laughed and Marissa nodded. “…and Grandma Helen?”

  Sophia clapped and jumped up and down, “Yeah, that sounds fun, can I invite Sam?” Marissa nodded and Sophia quickly was off to call Lyndsay’s daughter Samantha.

  Marissa looked at her mother and sighed. “Thank you…for everything. I hate to see you go but I understand. We have to keep in touch. As soon as I feel up to it, I’ll bring Sophia over to meet everyone. She’d like that.”

  Helen nodded with a warm smile and pulled her daughter into a hug. “I’d love that. Everyone would enjoy both of you. We have many years to catch up on and we will. I heard from Tyson today, my dad…your grandfather, he’s not doing so well. They think the congestion in his chest turned into bronchitis and are keeping close watch on him.”

  “Has his memory improved at all?”

  Helen shook her head no and stepped back to lean against the counter. “No, unfortunately not. He’s about the same as when we left, he’ll have an episode and they’ll have to calm him down. It’s not gotten any worse, but it hasn’t gotten better either.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  Helen nodded and knew she was sincere. It helped to have her support and love at this time, and she just wished she could have done more for her daughter. Not being a match killed her, knowing she couldn’t help. But she needed to be home for her father now, even though she hated to go.

  “We’d better get to the park soon, I’ll call Sue and Mike.” She smiled and picked up the phone. For the two weeks Helen had been there, she and Susanne had become fast friends and by the way she talked about Tyson, Mike had said that he knew he’d like and get along with him. They’d all agreed to be in Marissa’s life and let her have space to have a relationship with Helen. So many tears of joy had been shed at how happy they were to have one another again. The past was in the past and they were all working towards the future and enjoying the present. She’d miss the late night talks with Marissa and how they laughed at her stories of nursing school, how many times she felt sick seeing the blood. Helen also told her daughter about the joys of it, that it wasn’t all bad. Marissa shared her joy for teaching and her college experiences. Helen felt like she’d known her daughter all along, it was easy…it was natural. She enjoyed their talks and looked forward to sharing her life with her.

  While Helen helped Sophia get ready for their picnic in the park she heard Marissa calling Carlos to tell him they wouldn’t be home. Judging by her responses, he had told her to have fun and get some sun, since it would do her well.

  * * * *

  After hanging up from Marissa, Carlos leaned against the wall in the hallway of the hospital. Today was the day he normally made his rounds to check on surgical patients. Danielle’s voice made him push off the wall and stand up as she approached him.

  “There you are. I checked your office then I remembered today is rounds for you. Duh. Um, here, if you have anything you need to talk to me about call me in about two hours, I’m needed in surgery like five minutes ago.” She handed him a manila folder and pressed her lips together and forced a smile. That made him uneasy. She turned and headed the opposite direction toward surgery and he looked down at what he was holding. It had to be what he thought it was. Tapping the folder against his palm, he looked around and decided to wait until he was back in the privacy of his office.

  After making his rounds, he went back to his office and closed the door behind him. He set the folder on his desk and stared at it, unsure whether he was ready for the results. He took in a deep breath and sat in his leather chair, letting out a breath slowly. Opening the folder, he began to read the results and then he covered his eyes, the tears falling freely. He stood and walked over to the window, letting the tears run down his cheek in the privacy of his office. What he was feeling right now could not be described. Wiping his nose and face, he took a breath and watched the clouds move slowly across the sky. After a few moments, he turned back to look at his desk then walked back over to it. Sitting back down in his chair, he unlocked the bottom drawer and pulled out a small square box. Opening it, he sniffled once and exhaled as he ran a finger along the intricate design of the diamond ring that sat nestled in the box.

  The next day, Carlos went over to Marissa’s without calling first. He knew that Helen would be leaving later that evening on a flight back to Tennessee and they weren’t expecting him until lunch. Not being able to wait any longer, he drove over right after breakfast. His eyes were still heavy since he had not gotten much sleep the previous night with so much on his mind. The results of the test were weighing on him, even after his talk with Danielle. She’d offered kind words and great advice on the matter, giving him the strength he needed to follow through with his plan. He parked his truck and sat inside it thinking of what to say, how to say it. He smiled, seeing Helen and Sophia in the front yard planting flowers in a small bed they’d constructed. Helen waved at him and he stepped out of his truck.

  “Morning, Helen,” he said as he approached them.

  “Oh, hello, Carlos. How are you? We weren’t expecting you until lunch, Marissa is lying down in bed. She had a bad morning.”

  He sighed and nodded, “Yeah, I know I’m a bit early. I actually needed to speak to her. It’s pretty important.”

  “Go right ahead, I’m sure seeing you will brighten her day. It always does.” She gave a warm smile and patted the dirt as Sophia scooped out the next hole for the next flower.

  He returned her smile and nodded. “Thanks, Helen. Beautiful flowers, Sophia. You’re doing a great job.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Carlos. I picked them out myself.” He watched them for a few moments then started for the door, walking in and heading to Marissa’s bedroom. Marissa smiled when she saw him in the doorway and sat up in bed, waving him in.

  “I wasn’t expecting you so early. Everything okay?”

  Carlos made his way over and took a seat on the side of her bed, nodding. “Yes, of course. I just needed to talk to you about some things.” He knew he looked worried, anxious and nervous like he had something to say but didn’t know how to say it. All day yesterday he rehearsed on how he wanted to do this, how he would say it. After learning the results of the tests, his heart sank and felt like it was still in his stomach. Later that day, he had placed a call to Mike and asked him the traditional question, obviously taking him by surprise. He smiled, remembering their conversation.

  * * * *

  “Carlos? Is everything okay?” Marissa asked concerned with what was troubling him and touching his shoulder. Now she was scared, he’d never looked this way before and actually had beads of sweat on his forehead. What had he found out that he was afraid to say? She swallowed hard and watched him as he looked down at his empty hands and took a slow deep breath. He turned to her and smiled, taking her hand in his and running his thumb along her knuckles as he always did.

  “It’s funny really, how I feel like…” He looked down at their hands for a moment then back up to her eyes, “like you’re my best friend. I can tell you anything and yet I’m terrified to ask you this. I know that we’ve only been seeing each other for about four months now, even though I’ve known you for two years as your doctor. I just…” He hesitated and chuckled nervously.

  “What are you trying to say, Carlos? Did you find more out about the tests?” She was trying to figure out where he was going with it all and couldn’t. Her forehead creased in anticipation. He swallowed and moved from the bed, still holding her hand as he knelt down on one knee. Setting her hand down so he could retrieve the black box from his pocket, he looked back up into her eyes.

  “What I’m trying to say, is that I lov
e you. I love you and I’m so in love with you, I know you’re it for me. I want to be there for you for the rest of my life, grow old with you, support you, and love you. Marry me, Marissa.” He opened the box towards her and let out the breath he’d been holding, his voice still shaky with emotion.

  Her lip quivered and she covered her mouth with her hand as tears brimmed in her eyes. Closing them hard, causing the tears to escape, she took in a shaky breath and opened her eyes to look at the ring. It was so beautiful, so perfect. A solitaire band with a round diamond in the center, with diamond accents on the side making intricate designs. She was speechless, her heart was filled with nothing but love for him but the fact that she’d struggled with thoughts of her future for the last few weeks only worsened the situation. She looked from the ring to him and back again and a minute or so passed until she swallowed thickly and cleared her throat as she closed the box. “I-I can-can’t.”

  The words coming from her mouth were painful to the both of them. He shook his head, obviously not understanding. Placing her hand on his arm, she tried to explain, “I can’t subject you to a maybe…or half of what another woman could offer.”

  He now looked seriously confused by her words as he rose and sat back on the edge of the bed. “Marissa, you couldn’t offer me any more than yourself.”

  “That’s not what I mean, I’m saying…I mean, it’s…I don’t know how long I have and I can’t see putting you through something like that. We aren’t granted to grow old together. I couldn’t take your life like that, with all my health issues. It’s not fair to you.”

  “Do you love me or not? It’s simple as that.”

  “I do…I love you, that’s why I can’t.”

  “Love is exactly that, Marissa. I don’t care about how many years or days or hours I get to spend with you, I just relish every moment of getting to enjoy that time with you while I have it. You. Are. It. I don’t want anyone else, I love you and I always will. Don’t worry about what’s fair to me, or your health issues. I want to marry you because I love you, not because of your health.”