The Light Before Us

by Stephanie Vercier

  “I’d love that.”

  I didn’t lead her to the peace garden. If I were going to sit and chat with someone, I wanted my parents to see it, to see that I was doing just what I was supposed to. I instead took her to a spot along the man-made creek with a bench and several Japanese maples to keep us shaded and out of the sun.

  “It’s so seldom I really get a chance to talk to you,” she said once we were sitting, far enough from the crowd of people not to be heard but close enough to be seen. “I’ve watched you grow up over these last few years, and I sort of feel like… oh, I don’t know… like you’re a niece or a god-child or something. And now you’re going off to college. Stanford isn’t it?”

  I nodded. “I’m leaving at the beginning of August to settle in.”

  “Are you excited?” she asked, her eyes bright.

  “Yes, but it’s going to be weird too. I’ve never been away from home.” I didn’t add that I’d never cooked or cleaned or done a load of laundry. I’d actually had nightmares about turning all of my clothes pink because I didn’t even know how to turn on a washing machine, let alone keep the colors from bleeding together.

  “Oh, I’m sure it will be a great adventure,” Mrs. Pierce said, clasping her hands together. “I was a starving student during college, but I didn’t care. There was a bit of a thrill in trying to keep everything together, and I never would have met Jack had I not been waitressing that summer before my junior year.”

  “You met Mr. Pierce in college?”

  I hadn’t known, probably hadn’t even given much thought to how they or any of the other couples here met. My own parents had been paired when they were still teenagers, not by some blood oath or traditional ritual, but by the expectations of my grandparents who were all successful in their own right. And I’d known too, that I was expected to marry the person my parents chose for me, a man I wasn’t even all that fond of.

  “I sure did. He was just starting medical school and came in to study nights at the diner I was working at. When things were slow, I’d sit down with him, and we’d talk… and eventually, we fell in love.” She got a faraway look in her eyes as her lips turned into an even bigger smile, as if she were seeing those moments happen all over again in her memory.

  “That’s the kind of thing you read about in novels,” I said, never imagining people really found one another that way. “You and Mr. Pierce are really lucky.”

  “We are. And please call him Jack—and you can call me Marjorie. You turned eighteen a month ago, and that makes you an adult, Natalie. So I certainly think it’s okay to call us by our first names.”

  “Okay… Marjorie.” I smiled as the name traveled past my lips. “And thank you so much for the gift you and Mr. Pierce… Jack, sent me. I hope you got my note?”

  They had sent me a travel case that was both aesthetically pleasing and useful along with several literary classics Marjorie noted every young woman should read. And I’d enjoyed writing a thank you note to them, a nice reprieve among the dozens of other notes I’d had to write for things I didn’t want from people I didn’t really even know or like.

  “We certainly did. And I really do hope you had a wonderful celebration with your friends.”

  “I did. It was… really memorable.” I lied to her in saying that, but I didn’t think it fair to make Marjorie think I’d been miserable on my eighteenth birthday. I’d had wanted to spend it only with my friends of course, my real friends, the ones who were at the lake this weekend. But the vast majority of the attendees were the ones I called the fakes. They were all approved of by my parents, well groomed, well educated and from families with connections, vetted and drafted over the years my parents had gone full throttle in wanting only to associate with the mighty and powerful, moving well beyond whatever expectations I imagine my grandparents ever had for them. Some of the kids I was expected to socialize with weren’t half bad, but the other half, snotty and entitled and rude when not being watched, made me feel as though my birthday had been hijacked just to remind my parents of how exclusive we’d all become.

  I shouldn’t have been—and I wasn’t—surprised.

  “I’m sure they’ll miss you, but you’ll make new friends in college, and you’ll keep in touch with the best of the ones back home. And maybe you’ll meet the one, the man of your dreams.” She was excited in saying this before the light in her brown eyes fizzled, and the smile on her face turned downward in realizing her mistake.

  Because like everyone else, Marjorie had to know of my current relationship, one that my parents touted every chance they got.

  “Oh, aren’t they just the perfect match!” Mom liked to practically shout about myself and Michael, the man I was expected to marry if I wanted to remain in my parents’ good graces.

  “And so well-mannered,” one of her friends would usually reply, eyeing Michael like he was a prize when he was really just part of the rude, snotty and entitled set I couldn’t stand.

  “And so handsome,” another friend would always supply, looking at my boyfriend like a vulture set on seducing him.

  “I don’t think Michael would like that very much,” I said lightly, wanting her to know that I realized she’d momentarily forgotten about him and wasn’t meaning to be cruel.

  “That’s right.” She pulled herself right back together, then looked around. “Is he here? Michael?”

  “He’ll be along,” I said, not bothering to follow her gaze and find him if he’d already arrived. “He let me know that he’d be late, but he won’t miss this.”

  Michael Eldridge never missed an opportunity to schmooze. I’d known him since my first day at private school, and we’d somehow ended up dating my sophomore year after I’d said yes to going with him to a dance. Not long after, he’d presented me with a promise ring I felt obliged to accept and which I still begrudgingly wore. I didn’t doubt that me getting the ring had been masterminded by our parental units. They liked to tout us as a quintessential pairing, like he was an aged wine and I was a cultured, exotic cheese.

  Michael’s father was a partner at a law firm, his mother a cardiologist, with Michael being groomed to be one or the other. We’d marry somewhere in the middle of all our schooling, though I wouldn’t mind waiting until all was said and done. Since I’d been pushed toward being a doctor since I’d been old enough to speak and say the word, “doc—tor,” both of us would be in school for years, and I figured one of us would come to our senses in the meantime. There was very little romance in a relationship based on a business arrangement, and I liked to believe there was something more for both of us out there.

  Needless to say I wasn’t counting the minutes until his arrival or losing any more time being upset about whether his reason for being late was true or not. He’d said it was because of a family emergency—though his parents were on vacation in Barbados—and he sent a huge bouquet of flowers to express his regrets for his expected tardiness. Sucking up came naturally to him, and my parents were fine with the fakeness as long as Michael behaved himself and put out the right image.

  “Do you… do you love him?” Marjorie asked, turning back to me, looking as though she was willing to make us both a bit uncomfortable if it meant I might get something off my chest.

  “Of course I do.” I said it so quickly, so rehearsed, that I doubted she believed it. But what good would it do to tell her that there were days that I could barely stand Michael?

  “Well, you are still young,” she said. “The world is big, and you never know who else you might end up meeting.”

  “I’m not disturbing any girl talk, am I?”

  The voice was Jack’s, Jack who now stood above Marjorie and I, tall and lean in a crisp white shirt and dark gray trousers, a faint, manly smell emanating from him that told me either he or Marjorie knew how to pick just the right cologne.

  “Maybe you are,” Marjorie teased at her husband. “I thought Natalie and I had found a good hiding spot.”

  “Nope. You’re both
in plain sight,” he replied with a giant smile on his face. “And I’m glad you are. I needed a minute. It’s nothing but shop talk over there.” He glanced back toward the crowd of well-dressed guests filling our yard where I noticed my father and Louisa with half a dozen other people I recognized as clinic employees.

  “All work and no play,” Marjorie said with a sigh. “At least you know when to stop,” she told Jack before taking his hand.

  They made a beautiful couple, and I briefly put my hand to my heart, unable to completely hide my awe at them.

  Jack was tall and dark-haired with the kind of chiseled features you’d expect to see on a male model or an actor and not so much on a doctor, not a real life doctor. He was trim but built, the kind of guy other men might underestimate and then be sorry they had. And then there was the smile, one that revealed a man who could be as funny as he was serious, a man who made time for what was really important. In Marjorie was his perfect match, her big brown eyes pulling you in and demanding you see how beautiful she was, both inside and out. They were in their early thirties and without children, but I didn’t doubt they’d start a family soon and that their kids would be just as beautiful as they were.

  “You won’t tell your father I don’t especially like living just to work, will you, Natalie?” Jack joked with me.

  I shook my head. “I think he already knows.”

  “And yet I’m still one-third owner of the practice,” he said with a laugh.

  “Might have something to do with your father starting the clinic,” Marjorie added with a daring smile.

  “Ah, yes, there’s that.”

  “I’m sure you would have earned your spot even without your father,” I said, even if that was likely untrue. I didn’t imagine Jack as being the same as my father who lived and breathed his work, who would spend sixteen-hour days focusing on his career, even if it cost him time with me or my mother. He and Mom both had told me that was the sacrifice to gaining a spot at a world-renowned clinic, and it was a sacrifice I didn’t think either of them minded making.

  “I guess we’ll never know,” he said.

  “And there she is!” I heard the male voice I immediately identified as Michael’s before looking up to see his slim form walking toward us.

  “Oh, Jesus…” I mumbled, sighing into myself.

  “What was that?” Marjorie asked me.

  “Nothing,” I said, making sure I accompanied my response with a smile. And then I looked up to Jack, just for a moment.

  There was an expression of concerned confusion on his handsome face, as if he knew, just as his wife did, that I wasn’t excited in the least to see my boyfriend.

  “I knew I’d find you somewhere quiet,” Michael said in a loud, amused voice. “That’s my sweet Natalie, always running off from the crowd.”

  “I wasn’t meaning to hide.” I stood, just as tall as my boyfriend in my heels, and gave Michael the put on, megawatt smile I’d been primed on. “You’re the one who’s late.” I stepped forward and grabbed onto his arm, making sure to stand close to him in case my parents happened to be watching.

  “For which I apologized in advance,” he reminded me, kissing me chastely on the cheek. “Did you enjoy the flowers?”

  “I did,” I lied. I couldn’t have cared less about the flowers, but it was just easier to pretend around Michael, to put on an act and be another person instead of wallowing in the misery of being myself and stuck with a man I’d be happy to be without.

  “Hello there, Mr. Pierce,” Michael said, extending his hand. “And Mrs. Pierce.” Once he’d finished shaking Jack’s hand, he lifted Marjorie’s to his lips and kissed it.

  “So… traditional,” Marjorie said with a look of uncomfortable surprise on her face.

  “Should I be kissing every woman’s hand here?” Jack asked in a sort of mock horror edged in amusement.

  “I only reserve it for women like Mrs. Pierce,” Michael said in his defense before turning to me, his green eyes aglow. “And for Natalie of course,” he added on, taking my hand and kissing it before pulling my body to his and planting a full kiss on my lips.

  I fell right into it, the way I was supposed to. I considered it acting and wondered if I’d be any good if I ever auditioned for something on the stage or maybe a commercial where I’d have to kiss some actor with bad breath. I pushed the taste of his mouthwash out of my mind, along with the sickly sweet smell of his cologne and the way in which the smooth skin of his cheeks made me feel as though I were kissing a boy and not a man. When all was said and done, I’d been left breathless, but only because Michael had sucked the air out of me.

  “Well, that was…” Jack seemed at a loss for words.

  “Very romantic,” Marjorie filled in.

  “I do my best,” Michael said with an annoyingly proud look on his baby face, the sandy blond hair surrounding it cut into the most conservative of styles.

  “We should go and mingle,” I said, tugging on Michael’s arm. I was embarrassed that a couple as real and perfect as Jack and Marjorie had to witness a couple as fake and ridiculous as Michael and I any longer than necessary.

  “You’re done hiding then?” Michael asked, loosening his collar.

  “Yes,” I responded, noticing it was actually he who was trying to hide a hickey under the fabric of his shirt.

  “Well, it was lovely talking to you, Natalie.” Marjorie stood and hugged me, a move made slightly awkward because of Michael’s arm around me.

  “You let us know if you ever need anything,” Jack told me with a sincere, protective smile before all of his attention returned to his wife.

  “I will. Maybe I’ll see you both before you leave,” I said, hoping I would.

  “Sure we will,” Michael said, now being the one to pull me away.

  “I hope so,” Marjorie tagged on as Michael and I were walking away, along the creek and then over a small bridge.

  “They’re a bit much, don’t you think?” Michael asked once we were well beyond earshot of the couple.

  “No,” I said, turning back to see Jack now sitting on the bench next to Marjorie, his arm around her. “I think they’re lovely.” And I very much doubted Jack allowed women other than his wife to give him hickeys.

  Michael laughed, shaking his head but holding onto my hand if only for show. “There’s just something about them that’s off, too cookie cutter and basic. They’d probably be happier living in a tract house with about a million kids.”

  I didn’t bother telling Michael the only thing off about them was that they weren’t like most of the other couples here. I didn’t think he would have understood what it was to really be in love and not to just pretend. He wouldn’t get that it was far more powerful to see two people sitting alone on a bench, content and absorbed in one another, than it was to receive a giant bouquet of flowers or to be kissed with over-the-top passion only because there was an audience.

  No, those sorts of things weren’t for people like Michael to understand.

  I took one last look at Jack and Marjorie before looking ahead, readying myself to talk about future plans and facelifts with the partygoers. And maybe one day I’d get so used to it, putting on the fake smile and showing fake love and expressing excitement for a fake face that I’d eventually forget what was real.

  Maybe one day, just like Michael, I’d no longer understand what real love was all about.

  Chapter One

  NATALIE

  PRESENT DAY — THREE YEARS LATER

  I’m a runner.

  As my veil flies out of my open window somewhere along the freeway in Central Oregon, I remember that’s what they call brides who make mad dashes from their wedding ceremonies. And it’s quite fitting considering that as soon as I’d failed to say I do to Michael, I’d run faster than I ever had to get away from him, his family, my family, and all of the fake-ass people in attendance. I’d run to the back room of the church where my purse was, grabbed it and then fled to my car, the one Cynthi
a was going to drive back to my parents’ house while Michael and I were away on our honeymoon.

  Thank god I hadn’t handed the keys over to her.

  Thank god I’d gotten away.

  I check the rear view mirror to make sure the veil hasn’t plastered itself on someone’s windshield. Thankfully, I see something white being carried by the wind into a pastureland, floating above the high grass where I hope it will settle. Turning my full attention back to the road ahead, I imagine it might be of interest to some cows or roaming deer, or perhaps some birds will slowly tear it apart and make nests of it.

  The image of eggs hatching in the remnants of my veil makes me laugh out loud, and I’m sure I must look like a crazed lunatic to anyone driving past me. Not that I hadn’t already gotten looks as I drove south, having been on the road for hours in my full wedding attire, too stunned and shocked by what I’d done to even remove my veil until just minutes ago.

  I’d at least had the frame of mind to toss my phone into the trash at a gas station outside of Olympia. Not that it was smart being a single woman traveling without a phone, but at least Michael or my family wouldn’t be able to track me any further than the state capital. I’d found out the hard way they’d installed tracking software on my phone when Michael and I had gotten into a fight last Christmas and I’d just wanted to have a couple of hours to myself. When my dad and Michael showed up at the small café I thought I’d done a good job of hiding at, I realized there was really no escaping them.

  And beyond the phone, it’s a miracle in itself that I’d managed to lose Michael who had come right after me in his turbo charged Audi. I imagined him cursing my name and saying, “Nobody leaves Michael Eldridge!” over and over as he raged down the freeway in his grooms tux. But perhaps it wasn’t a miracle, and just plain luck, that he’d been pulled over by a state trooper who decided he’d rather snag the guy in the Audi instead of the girl in the Subaru wagon.