Weirder Than Weird

by Francis Burger

  “It turned out that Mrs. Feldspar was right about her husband, it’s been a good twenty years since he went missing and they haven’t found hide nor hair of him. Knowing that she has no living relatives to speak of and that she still owns the cottage in the woods, an idea suddenly came to me. I’m not proud to admit this, Doc, but recently I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a financial fix so I decided to take a trip up to the cottage and do some rummaging around since it’s long been abandoned, you never know what treasures are hoarded away by old folk, so that’s just what I did.

  “It took me quite a bit of the afternoon to find the place, it being secluded and nestled deep in the woods. I had to park my car a good distance from the cottage and walk the rest of the way on broken paths, but once there I busted the front door window and let myself in. There were a treasure trove of antiques all about the place but I was only really interested in small items that I could carry off easily. After much searching, it looked as though my hope of finding something of real value was in vain, so I wandered into the bedroom and picked up an old photo album I found on the bureau there. I stretched out on the bed and leafed through the album, but I felt a weariness come over me and I soon drifted off to asleep. At some point I felt a depression at the foot of my bed and being a light sleeper I awoke and glanced down. To my astonishment I could see the outline of two small figures with glowing green eyes staring back at me. I yelled and jumped to my feet. Hours must have passed because the room had grown dark but I was able to discover a candle on the night stand and with a shaky hand I somehow managed to get it lit.

  “I nervously looked around the room and finally realized that I was all alone. It had only been a nightmare, I thought, one more than likely induced by the stories from the old woman. I was suddenly aware that the cottage had grown cold so I made my way into the living room with the intent of starting a fire. As I sat a few logs onto the hearth I noticed a thin line of light peeking out from the back of the fireplace. ‘How odd’ I said to myself as I placed my hand upon the rock. To my surprise, it moved as if hinged, exposing a tunnel of some fashion with an intense light at the very end. My mind was reeling. I thought for a moment and decided that I didn’t come all this way to go back empty handed, so I started to crawl upon the Earthen path toward the source of the light.’

  “A steady downward slope was my trek, on and on I pushed with much effort to keep my claustrophobia in check. At one point I felt panic building inside me and I attempted to change direction but my chamber was simply too tight, I had no choice but to go forward. At one point, I felt a rush of warm air sweep across my face as if someone had just opened a door on a hot summer day. I crawled a few feet further then abruptly felt my Earthen support below me give way. I fell a good ten feet straight down and landed with a thud.

  “I was dazed but luckily still in one piece. As I looked up, I realized that I was in the uppermost section of an enormous chamber of some type. I would later learn it was an immense cavern the size of a city. Gathering myself, I soon became aware of noises emanating from its lower parts and with it came the distinct sound of voices. My heart beat furiously as I peered over a crag of rock to get a better look. I saw what was generating that spectacular amount of light: far below me was an enormous bowl shaped crucible that was hinged on both sides by rock pillars. The bowl was filled with a luminous golden liquid that gurgled and spat over the sides. The whole fixture was being superheated by fires below it and those fires were being stoked by the same little men I saw in my dream!

  “I sat transfixed as I watched those diminutive demons go about their business. From my vantage point, they all looked the same with their long beards and dark tunics. I attempted to count them but they moved around in such great haste that I found the task impossible. Some of them tended the fire while others tilted the great bowl, spilling its contents into large rectangular forms carved out of stone. The forms were taken to a nearby pond and immersed, causing a great plume of steam and acrid stench to rise up. After a brief time, the forms were pulled up revealing an amazing transformation. The large golden ingot that went into the water was now a deep green color and only the size of a small brick. These bricks were placed on a wooden cart and pushed over a hill and out of sight.

  “My curiosity would not be denied. I made my way carefully down to get a better look. Enormous spectral shadows danced upon the cavern walls enhancing the little men’s activities as I made my way. I stumbled from rock to rock, all the while barely breathing when at last I finally caught sight of the men and their cart. It had stopped in front of a large cave-like opening in the side of a rock wall. I maneuvered closer and hid behind a boulder. I observed a curious scene: the little men hurriedly placed the stack of bricks upon the ground, then one of them plucked a curved horn from his belt and blew three short blasts. The group made a hasty retreat down the hill with cart in tow. I heard a noise from deep within the cave. The sound grew, along with my anticipation, as an odd scrunching emanated from the front of the cave.

  “The source of the commotion soon revealed itself: It was none other than a gigantic worm! I was instantly startled and fell on my backside. I was in awe of its enormity, which seemed to fill the entire opening. It hesitated as it sensed the outside then began to take in deep droughts of air, sniffing perhaps, turning its slimy features from one side to another. I was in fear of being detected by its cautious nature but it continued forward in an undulating motion, first stretching then contracting until it was upon the stack of bricks which lay a good twenty feet or so from the cave opening. Its true length could only be guessed at since part of its body still remained hidden. Were it not for the eerie green translucence of its body, it would have resembled the common earthworm except of course this one being the size of a bus!

  “I was contemplating what role the bricks played in all of this and immediately became aware of the answer… food! Sensing the bricks, the creature opened an unseen mouth, displaying long rows of jagged yellow teeth. A high piercing wail soon followed, which forced me to cover my ears. Its head snapped down upon its feast with a vengeance, enveloping and engulfing all in one motion. Satisfied with its bounty, the creature wasted no time retreating back to where it

  came from. A few sharp contractions and it was once again out of sight, leaving a trail of slime in its wake. Both my heart and my mind were racing. ‘I have to find a way out of here!’ I thought to myself. That’s when everything went black.

  “How long I was unconscious, I could not tell, but I awoke in another location to the pain of tiny feet mercilessly kicking at my sides and my head feeling as though it were on fire.

  “I looked up through clouded vision at my assailants. ‘It’s about time, human!’ one of them said in a gruff tone. ‘We don’t think kindly about spies now do we Krunk?’

  “The other let out a laugh then spit on me. I immediately became enraged and attempted to push them away but to my astonishment I could not budge them an inch. They both let loose with a hardy laugh, mocking my physical inferiority.

  ‘Save your strength, human,’ one of them said. ‘You’re gonna need it for what’s in store for you!’

  “I was immediately put to work mining the gold substance that streaked the cavern walls and fed their mighty crucible. At first I thought it gold; only it was not ore, but more organic in nature with a rubbery consistency. I must have mined tons of the stuff in the days following. I was only allowed brief hours of sleep and was always awakened by a slap in the face or a kick in the ribs. My anger grew to new heights but I was getting weaker all the while; my only form of nourishment came from a tankard of very strong beer given to me twice daily. The little folk, however, seemed to drink it continuously which added to their spirited demeanor. They joked and cussed and frequently took part in some terribly vicious fights among themselves.

  “After an encounter between two especially nasty combatants, one lay splayed upon the ground with a pick axe wound to his neck. Horrible screams reverberated throughout
the cavern as the little creature spat up endless clots of blood. His opponent calmly brought over a tankard of beer, knelt down and pulled out a small leather pouch from one of his pockets, he then added a pinch of its contents to the drink and gave it to the one on the ground. A miraculous thing happened: a green glow flickered in the eyes of the wounded one and within a few moments he sprang to his feet with great glee as if nothing ever happened. They both laughed uncontrollably and walked off together. This was astonishing to witness, but as the day’s went by, every now and then I noticed these little folk sprinkle a bit of this magic dust into their drinks. I was certain now that it was what gave them their amazing strength and recuperative powers. As it happened, I would soon discover the source of this magic.

  “ On this particular day, my routine of mining the yellow material was broken when I was ordered to follow a very stout and cruel little fellow to a chamber that I have never been to before. On our way there, we passed over a small foot bridge of stone. As I made my way across, a horrible odor assaulted my senses. I looked down to discover its cause and gagged violently. There, not ten feet below me, lay a pit with the remnants of what were once human beings! Piles of bones mixed with bodies in various states of decomposition. A more gruesome spectacle I could not imagine. ‘I must be in Hell!’ I thought to myself. Now I was certain of Mr. Feldspar’s fate; he must be somewhere below intermixed with the bones of the other poor creatures that came before him and labored until death mercifully took them.

  “My cruel companion looked over the side and sneered, ‘Lazy buzzards every one of them!’ He kicked me in the thigh, forcing me forward. As I walked along, I felt that it was just a matter of time before I would join that macabre mix.

  “Arriving at our destination, I found myself in an enormous vaulted room with spiraled and knotted columns of rock connecting floor to ceiling. As I looked up, I saw a large opening in one area of the ceiling and on the ground directly below was a pile of boulder type rocks strangely speckled with tiny luminescent green dots. The stench they emitted was sickening. The little demon thrust a fist to my abdomen that immediately bent me over with pain.

  ‘Now that I got your attention…this will be your new home for a while until Krog gets back from his journeys.’ An evil smile crossed his face. “You’ve already made acquaintance with Bezor the Provider. Her offerings have sustained us for hundreds of years. The work performed in this chamber is vital and must be done right or I’ll see to it that you end up back at the pit with the other rejects!

  “What appeared at first as rock was none other than excrement from the worm like creature, Bezor the Provider, as they called it, was in essence their god. They religiously fed it daily and in turn it provided the much-needed substance for their magical elixirs. I was instructed on how to extract the tiny green flecks of material which involved pulverizing the hardened excrement into powder with a large mallet. Once done, I would drop handfuls of powder into a sluice type contraption. The sluice was continuously fed by a stream of water that trickled out of a crack in the wall and continued down into a deep recess somewhere below. The water carried away the detritus and left only the flakes of green, which I carefully hand-picked and placed upon a rock to dry. I could work all day and produce only what amounted to a few ounces. The work was exhausting and I continued to grow more weary but on the fourth day I made a discovery that raised my spirits tremendously.

  “During my labor I became aware of a reduced water flow in the sluice and followed it back to the wall where the water originated. I surveyed the problem then proceeded to remove the loose rocks that had fallen from above and restricted the flow, but as I did this a large portion of the rock gave way with an enormous gush of water following behind. I was drenched but smiling for the first time in weeks. Looking up, I could see blue sky above me not more than twenty feet and my elation grew as I studied this potential escape route. ‘It will be a tight fit,’ I said to myself, but my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of voices coming up the path. I hurriedly placed a few large rocks to cover the gaping hole, then resumed my work just as two of the drunken devils came stumbling in.

  ‘What’s this!’ one of them screamed, looking down at my meager pile of green dust. ‘You’ve been loafin all day?’

  “With that, he forced a tiny boot into my side, leaving me gasping for air. As a result of his blow, he lost his balance and fell headlong into his drunken companion causing a fierce battle to ensue. They both ended up on the ground, cussing and biting, a whirl of arms flailing in all directions, viciously gouging at one another.

  “In the course of their tussle, they worked their way back onto the footpath and this presented me with an opportunity. I ran to the wall and threw aside the rocks that I had placed earlier. The light struck my unconditioned eyes and I immediately glanced down. I spotted a small leather pouch that must have fallen from one of the little monsters. I shoved it into my pocket and started my way up the rock chute as quickly as I could. Only a few feet up, I could hear voices cursing me from below and felt a tiny hand grasping for my leg. I summoned all the strength I had and brought my foot down hard upon his face, sending him sprawling back to the rock floor.

  “Almost at the top, I heard them both laughing hysterically and soon a voice said the words I will never forget…‘Make no mistake human, you are ours now, body and soul, we will bring you back home!’

  Doctor Williamson leaned forward in his chair and sighed. “That’s it, Sheriff, that’s the tale told to me by Keith himself… though strange and implausible as it sounds.”

  Sheriff Moran shook his head, hardly knowing how to respond to what he had just heard.

  “As for what happened afterward, Keith found his way out of the woods and made his way to a payphone and after three days at the hospital, his trauma subsided enough to allow him to talk about what happened. He was particularly frightened by the idea that the little men were coming to get him. I assured him to the contrary and told him that he was safe in our care but he kept mumbling that it was just a matter of time. I had to order a sedative to calm him down and sent him back to his room. That was the last time I ever saw Keith Tuttle.

  “The very next morning I happened to be walking to my office when I overheard a heated conversation in the hallway by two of our custodians.

  “I inquired as to the problem. ‘Damn kids!’ barked one of them. ‘They must have broken in last night, Doc, the doors been jimmied and what a mess… just look at all those tiny footprints!’

  I dropped my clipboard and ran to the nurses’ station. Keith was nowhere to be found.”

  “Incredible, just incredible!” the Sheriff said as he ran his hand over his unshaven face. “You know, Doc, they’ll probably lock us both up if we start spreading a story like that!” His words were followed by a nervous laugh. “Well, I’ve taken up enough of your time… I still have a few questions for some of your staff.”

  The Sheriff started to rise, but as he did, his hand knocked the tape recorder to the floor. He knelt down to retrieve it but was struggling to get back up.

  “Here let me help you,” said the Doctor as he walked over and easily plucked the bulky Sheriff up in one easy motion. Both men stood facing each other for an awkward moment. The Sheriff was astounded by the Doctor’s strength and momentarily mesmerized by his penetrating green eyes.

  “I… ah… I’d better be on my way Doc. I’ll call you if I hear anything.”

  The Sheriff wasted no time in making a quick exit from the room.

  Alone now, the Doctor walked over to the coffee maker, poured himself a cup and sat down at his desk. He pulled a small satchel from his desk drawer and sprinkled some of its contents into his cup.

  An opened letter sat on his desk, in it is a recent Oncology report that reads “NEGATIVE” in bold letters with a Doctor’s side note… “We can no longer find any trace of your cancer. This is simply a miracle!”

  The Doctor spun his chair around and gazed out the office window. He raise
d his cup in salute and smiled, “Here’s to you, my boy…wherever you may be!”

  NIGHTMARE ON WALRUS ISLAND

  Some people will go to great lengths in an effort to escape a haunting memory. This was certainly the determination of Paul Westing, a young geologist with Omni Chemical from Great Britain.

  A few months earlier, Paul could have never imagined himself in such a forsakenly cold and desolate place as Walrus Island. The island was literally a frozen chunk of earth and volcanic rock that rode the frigid waters of the Antarctic like a wandering iceberg and, for the next six months, this winter wasteland would be his new home.

  Paul was somehow hoping that this unexpected sojourn would allow him to come to terms with a nightmare that had befallen him recently, one that had sent his world reeling and plunged him into an unimaginable despair. Well intentioned family and friends only served to reinforce the pain he felt, so when his company offered him an opportunity to take part in a working adventure at the bottom of the world, he jumped at the chance.

  In spite of the vast distance from civilization, he would not be alone for there was said to be a small tribe of indigenous people residing somewhere within the vast and dark catacombs that riddled the island like a worm bored maze. This fact had been reported a year earlier by a captain whose ship was in desperate need of fuel and sought refuge there. Days soon turned into weeks and this indeterminate lingering made the islanders wary and eager to rid themselves of their uninvited guests.