Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  ‘It doesn’t feel what, Holly? It doesn’t feel right?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, it’s not that. It’s more that it doesn’t feel like I’m in control of it. Mammy Wood is sort of taking over the whole thing, and before we know it we’ll be marched up the aisle of a church I don’t want to be in, hosting a hotel full of people I don’t want there and, God knows, maybe wearing a creation I don’t even want to wear!’

  ‘Ah,’ said Milly, as if Holly had offered the solution, rather than the problem. ‘Is that all?’

  ‘What do you mean, is that all?’

  Milly pushed her glasses up her nose and sat forward, ready to impart her wisdom. ‘I mean, it’s the wedding you have a problem with, not the marriage.’

  Holly was confused. ‘Aren’t they one and the same thing?’

  ‘Completely different,’ said Milly knowingly. ‘Your problem doesn’t lie with the fact you’re getting married but how it’s going to happen.’

  Holly thought about it for a moment. ‘Well, yes, I suppose.’

  ‘Isn’t that what you just told me?’

  ‘Yes, but I …’ Milly had made it all sound so simple, so reasonable. Holly almost felt done out of a drama. ‘I’m not sure that’s all.’

  ‘Oh, right. Well, then that’s a different story. I think we might be needing a couple more drinks for this one.’

  Holly didn’t argue and headed straight to the bar. She was back moments later with two more drinks, anxious to bear her soul to her friend.

  ‘So you and David,’ said Milly, sitting back and sticking one leg up under her bum. She obviously wasn’t going anywhere for a while. ‘You’re having problems?’

  ‘Not at all.’ Holly was quick to answer. ‘But getting married is scary. I mean, how do you know? How do you know that the person you’re with is the right one?’

  Milly thought for a moment. ‘Do you love him, Holly?’

  ‘Of course I do. You know I do.’

  ‘And how’s the sex?’

  Holly blushed furiously. ‘Milly!’

  ‘What? It’s an important part of a relationship.’

  ‘Well, there’s no worries on that count. Our sex life is just fine. Perfect, actually.’

  ‘Are you sure about that, Holly? I mean, I can’t see Mr Boring providing a lot of excitement in the bedroom.’

  Holly glared at her. ‘Behave yourself, Milly. And don’t call him that.’

  ‘Sorry,’ said Milly, looking sheepish. ‘I’m just trying to get you to think about why you’re having doubts.’

  ‘I … I’m not having doubts. It’s just … it’s just …’ Holly suddenly felt teary and wished she hadn’t downed almost two pints in quick succession.

  ‘Holly?’

  ‘I love David, Milly. I really do.’

  ‘But?’

  ‘He’s handsome and charming and honest and kind. And most of all he’s good to me.’

  ‘But?’

  She took a moment before saying it. ‘But I remember when his love made my insides explode and my head swim with happiness. I remember the feeling that nothing else mattered when we were together. When butterflies flew around my stomach when he kissed me. When I melted when he made love to me. And having his arms around me made me feel like the luckiest, richest, most blessed girl on the planet.’

  ‘Wow! That sounds like heaven. So what’s happened to change things?’

  Holly felt a lump in her throat but knew she had to tell Milly. Even to her own ears, her voice sounded strangled as she barely whispered the words: ‘I’m not talking about David.’

  Chapter 10

  It was Saturday morning and Stephanie was still in a strop with Josh. His head was wrecked. She was the one who’d gone out partying until the early hours. She was the one who’d come crashing into the house keeping him awake. And yet he was the one trying to make amends. And to top it all, he wasn’t feeling too good today himself. He’d had a flare-up of stomach pain during the night and even painkillers hadn’t really helped. So he hadn’t had a proper sleep in two nights.

  ‘Do you fancy some eggs?’ he asked, as she came into the kitchen to fill the kettle.

  ‘I’ve eaten.’

  He tried again. ‘But you’ve only had porridge, and it’ll be a while before it’s ready anyway. Will I stick on enough for us both?’

  ‘No, I’m fine.’

  She breezed out of the kitchen and Josh sighed. That was how it had been since the previous evening. Him trying to make conversation and her giving short, sharp answers. He was fed up with it. He took the pan and threw it loudly back into the drawer. He couldn’t be bothered with breakfast either. What he needed was a long, hot shower to clear his head and put him in better form. He took a look at the mess he’d planned to clean up but decided against that too. Let her bloody-well take some responsibility for a change. See how she liked it when he didn’t pander to her every need.

  He felt a lot better half an hour later as he stepped out of the shower. He shook the water from his hair and wrapped a towel around his waist before walking back into the bedroom. Stephanie was sprawled on the bed reading a magazine but she didn’t acknowledge his presence.

  ‘Steph, can we stop this fighting? It’s not good for us and the stress is not good for you and the baby.’

  ‘Fine.’ She didn’t even look up.

  Josh sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘Maybe we should go back to bed for a while. Cuddle up and have a lazy Saturday morning, like we used to.’

  She looked at him then and he could see he’d said the wrong thing again. ‘Do you ever think about anything except sex?’ she said, almost spitting the words out.

  ‘That’s not fair,’ he said, hurt at the vicious tone of her voice. ‘You know I’m not like that.’

  She closed her magazine and threw it on the floor. ‘I’m going to ring Mum. You can get back into bed if you like but don’t expect me to be joining you.’

  He stared after her and sighed as she left the room. Bloody hormones. It was a good job he understood her because the way she was behaving would test the patience of a saint! He went to the dressing table and squeezed out a handful of serum and expertly applied it to his hair before smoothing it down with the hairdryer. As he looked in the mirror, he noticed a slight paunch that he hadn’t had before and made a mental note to get back to the gym. Another thing he’d been neglecting lately with the moving and everything else going on.

  When he switched off the hairdryer, he heard animated chatter coming from downstairs and assumed Stephanie was talking to her mum. But he soon realised that she wasn’t on the phone at all and was talking to somebody at the front door. He secured the towel around his waist and made his way over to the window to have a look. There was a click as the front door closed and he saw a girl walk across the road and disappear into a house. Curious to find out more, he dressed quickly and headed downstairs.

  ‘Was that our new neighbour you were talking to?’

  She looked at him and sighed. ‘Yes. She came over to ask us over to theirs tonight for a drink.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nice of them.’ David had said they’d have them over but Josh had thought maybe he’d said it without thinking and hadn’t really meant it. ‘So what time?’

  ‘She said eightish. But I’m not going.’

  Josh looked at her but her gaze was still on the telly. ‘Why not? I thought you’d be dying to see what they’re like.’

  ‘They asked us for a drink. I can’t drink, remember?’

  Another dig. ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Stephanie, it doesn’t have to be alcoholic. You can still have a mineral – or a cup of tea even.’

  ‘I think I’ll pass.’

  He tried another tactic. ‘Come on. Let’s see what sort of people can afford an amazing car like that. I could do the subtle questioning and you could check out their bathroom cabinet.’

  A glimmer of a smile. ‘I don’t know.’

  He almost had her so he continued. ‘You know you wa
nt to, Steph. Come on, let’s not fight any more. Let’s go over there and we can have a good old gossip about them later.’

  ‘Maybe,’ she said, getting up off the sofa. ‘But I need some fresh air so I’m going to go out for a walk first. I’ll see how I feel later.’

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ said Josh, jumping up to get his shoes. ‘It’ll be nice to suss out the area together.’

  ‘No! I just want to put on my headphones and listen to music.’

  He was a bit taken aback at the rebuff but she turned to him and kissed him on the cheek. ‘It’s just a walk, Josh. You know how music relaxes me and, to be honest, I feel so uptight at the moment. An hour out in the fresh air with good music in my ears will do me the world of good.’

  He sat back down and sighed. ‘Okay. But be careful of icy patches out there. It’s freezing.’

  He flicked around the channels when she was gone and settled on Football Focus. Weekends used to be fun-filled and exciting. Now he couldn’t help wishing it was Monday and he was back in work. But maybe Stephanie would come back in a better mood and they could go to the neighbours’ later. She and this girl might even hit it off and become friends. He thought how nice it would be for her to have a friend close by, and he would also love a mate on the road to go for a pint with. Most of his friends lived on the south side so it wasn’t easy to go for a spontaneous drink. The telly became a dull buzz in the background as he felt his eyes starting to close. He relaxed down further into the sofa and began to drift off into a lovely, hazy sleep.

  The sound of the hall door banging jolted him awake and it took him a few moments to realise where he was. Cold air drifted into the room and he looked up to see Stephanie standing in the doorway, her cheeks red, a smile on her lips.

  ‘Having a sneaky sleep?’ she said, grinning. ‘I guessed you would.’

  At least she seemed to be in better form. ‘I was just having a little snooze. What time is it?’

  ‘Quarter past two. I had a gorgeous long walk. You barely feel the cold when you keep going but when you stop it’s absolutely freezing.’

  Josh sat up and motioned for her to sit down beside him, which she did. ‘Gosh, I can feel the cold air coming from you. Stay here and I’ll make you a cup of hot chocolate.’

  ‘Nope,’ she said, jumping up. ‘You stay where you are and I’ll make us some hot chocolates.’

  It was a miracle. She’d gone out for a walk and come back as the old Stephanie – the funny, caring, considerate one. He wasn’t complaining, though. Her behaviour lately had been stressing him out and he’d begun to wonder if pregnancy had changed her forever. A few minutes later she was back in the sitting room, coat and shoes off, two mugs of creamy hot chocolate in her hands.

  ‘Thanks, love. This is gorgeous.’ He took a sip and it really was. She’d added mini marshmallows and a dash of squirty cream, and they sat side by side with their hands cupped around the drinks. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes and Josh was happy just to have no arguments. Eventually she broke the silence.

  ‘I don’t want to fight with you any more, Josh.’

  He nodded vigorously. ‘That’s exactly what I’ve been saying. I don’t want to fight either.’

  ‘Good.’ She laid her head on his shoulder and he kissed the soft, wispy blonde hairs straying from her ponytail. ‘Let’s have a nice evening together. Just like we were going to do the other night.’

  ‘Definitely,’ he said, glad the drama was over. ‘If we just go across the road for an hour, we can watch a movie and get takeaway when we come back.’

  She sat up and looked at him. ‘I don’t want to go over there tonight, Josh. I thought we’d have a night together, just the two of us.’

  ‘And we can. But surely we should go over and say hello at least.’

  ‘Please, Josh. I’m exhausted. I just want to have a bath and get back into my pyjamas. We can go another time.’

  He sighed and nodded. ‘Okay. I’d better go and let them know.’

  ‘Thanks. Tell them I said sorry but I’m just not feeling up to it tonight.’

  ‘Right,’ he said, standing up and looking out the window. ‘David’s car is there so there’s somebody home. I’ll head over now.’

  He didn’t bother putting on a jacket just to cross the road but the nip in the air bit at his bare arms. A light dusting of snow had begun to fall and his inner child whooped. Josh loved snow and he hoped that it would become heavier and stick to the ground. It had been a pretty mild winter so far but this weather reminded him that Christmas was just around the corner. He couldn’t wait. It was his favourite time of year and it excited him more than anything to think that from next year Santa would be coming to their little boy or girl.

  He was just about to ring the bell when the door swung open and David was standing there. ‘Come in, come in,’ he said, gesturing for Josh to go inside. ‘We were just talking about you two.’

  ‘I won’t, but thanks. It’s just a quick call to say we won’t be able to make it tonight after all. I’m really sorry.’

  David looked genuinely disappointed. ‘That’s a pity. We were looking forward to it.’

  ‘We were too,’ said Josh. ‘But I think I told you Stephanie is pregnant and she’s not feeling too good today.’

  ‘Sorry to hear that. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to come in and have a cup of tea? You haven’t met Holly yet, have you?’

  ‘Not yet, no. And thanks for the offer but I’d better get back. Maybe some time next week?’

  ‘Hang on a sec. Holly, come and meet – sorry, what did you say your name was?’

  ‘Josh!’ The word came out as a gasp from behind David and he stepped aside in confusion. Josh’s eyes almost popped out of his head and his mouth fell open. He couldn’t get any words out but instead just stared at her.

  ‘I thought you two hadn’t met,’ said David, looking from one to the other. ‘Holly?’

  ‘Hello, Hols,’ Josh said finally. ‘It’s been a long time.’

  * * *

  July 2000

  Josh took Holly’s hand as they walked on the warm sand. He couldn’t believe they were finally free. School was finished forever and the Leaving Cert was over. The world was their oyster and he couldn’t be happier. They’d come to Majorca with a group of friends for a week after the exams and the two of them were taking some time out alone. Neither of them had been abroad before and he was completely in awe of his surroundings. The calm, blue sea rose to meet a cloudless sky and the golden sand was like feathers beneath his feet. He looked at Holly and saw she too was lost in thought.

  ‘How are you feeling, Hols?’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Everything. It’s crazy to think we’re here, isn’t it? So far away from home, never to return to school again.’

  Her eyes squinted with the sun and she squeezed his hand. ‘Crazy, yes, but also a little bit scary.’

  He stopped and looked at her. ‘How is it scary? I’d have said exciting, not scary.’

  ‘It’s exciting all right,’ she said. ‘But I worry that things will change.’

  ‘Well, of course things will be different, but you and me will still be together.’

  ‘I hope so,’ said Holly, a look of sadness crossing her face. ‘But with you going to college in Dublin, I worry we’ll drift apart.’

  Josh smiled and enveloped her in a hug. ‘That would never happen, Hols. You and me are destined to be together. I’ll never let you go.’

  Chapter 11

  Holly felt as though she’d just stepped back in time. She couldn’t believe that Josh O’Toole was standing right there. At her front door. Staring at her. She did her best fish impression by opening her mouth and closing it several times without any sound coming out.

  ‘Don’t tell me you two know each other?’ said David, breaking the silence. ‘What a small world.’

  ‘When we were kids,’ said Josh, keeping his eyes fixed on Holly. ‘We grew up together.’
>
  Time stood still for Holly. His words spun around and around in her head. They were kids in the beginning, yes. But they were so much more than that by the end. She searched his eyes but she couldn’t read them. He had a smile on his face and his expression seemed to say that it was the most normal thing in the world to come face to face with the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with, the person you hadn’t seen for over thirteen years.

  ‘Holly, are you okay?’ David looked at her with concern and she knew she’d have to pull herself together.

  ‘I’m fine. I’m just surprised to see a … an old friend. Hi, Josh.’ She took a few steps forward and held out her hand to shake his. Never, ever had she imagined she’d be in a situation like this, shaking Josh’s hand politely after thirteen years apart.

  ‘Holly.’ He nodded politely and took her hand. He held it a moment too long and Holly noticed a flicker of something in his eyes. ‘Good to see you again.’

  David clapped his hands together and laughed. ‘Typical Ireland, what? Imagine you two growing up together and ending up on the same street. Well, you’ll have to come in now, Josh. You two can catch up over a cuppa.’

  Josh must have noticed the panic in Holly’s eyes and he quickly shook his head. ‘I’d love to catch up but I’d better head back over. I don’t want to leave Stephanie on her own when she’s not feeling well.’

  Of course, thought Holly. The pregnant girlfriend. She still couldn’t find any words.

  ‘Well, we’ll all have to meet up soon,’ said David, totally oblivious to Holly’s discomfort. ‘I hope Stephanie feels better. Tell her we’re looking forward to meeting her.’

  ‘Will do,’ said Josh, beginning to back away from the door. He looked directly at Holly and her heart leapt. ‘Nice to see you again, Hols.’

  If David noticed a strange vibe between the two of them, he didn’t mention it. He waved to Josh as he headed back across the road and closed the door.

  ‘Crazy that, isn’t it?’ he said, as they headed into the kitchen. ‘Were you two good friends?’

  Holly’s mouth was dry and all she wanted to do was go somewhere quiet to think. She certainly didn’t want to discuss Josh with David. She shook her head and poured a large glass of water from the tap, gulping it down, to buy herself some time. He was still looking at her when she finished, waiting for an answer.