Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  ‘But, Josh, you’re wasting time. Cancer, if it is that, isn’t always a death sentence, especially if you catch it early.’ She felt angry. Why would he put off getting it checked?

  ‘I know you’re right, Holly,’ he said, running his finger along the rim of his pint glass. ‘And that’s the advice I’d be giving to anyone else in my position. But it’s not anyone else – it’s me. And it’s hard to think of dealing with something like that alone.’

  ‘But you’re not on your own,’ Holly protested. ‘You have Stephanie. What does she think of all this? Surely she wants you to go and get checked out?’

  He raised his glass to his lips and drained the last of his pint. ‘Will we have another? One more for the road?’

  ‘I’ll get them in a minute,’ Holly said, waving a hand dismissively. ‘So, Stephanie – what does she say about all this?’

  A barman was clearing glasses from a nearby table so Josh indicated for him to come over and take their order. ‘A pint of cider and a pint of Guinness, when you’re ready,’ he said.

  Holly noticed he was avoiding meeting her eye and realisation eventually dawned. ‘Oh my God, Josh. You haven’t told her, have you?’

  He lowered his head and she knew she was right. ‘Josh! What were you thinking? Stephanie is your partner. She’s about to become the mother of your child. Why on earth have you not told her about this?’

  He glanced up at her and looked defeated. ‘For the same reason I haven’t been to the doctor yet. Fear.’

  She hated seeing him like that. Broken and upset. So despite a little voice screaming inside her head not to do it, she reached across and put her hand over his. ‘Josh, you need to deal with this. I understand your fear, really I do. But it’s fear of the unknown. It mightn’t be what you think, and even if it is, catching it early could make all the difference.’

  He grabbed her hand as though it was a lifeline, and her insides leapt. ‘Holly, what if I’m dying? I’m just thirty-two years old. What if I never see my baby grow up? I really don’t want to have to deal with it.’

  ‘Listen here, Josh O’Toole,’ she said, in her best teacherly voice. ‘You need to face up to this, whatever it is. And much as I’d love to, I can’t hold your hand through it. That’s Stephanie’s job.’

  He raised an eyebrow. ‘Would you really?’

  ‘Really what?’

  ‘Love to hold my hand through it?’ He smiled and it was Holly’s turn to blush.

  ‘You know what I mean, Josh. But you need to get checked out and tell Stephanie what’s going on. It mightn’t be as bad as you think.’

  ‘You’re right. And I promise I’ll do it soon.’

  ‘How soon?’

  ‘You’re very demanding,’ he said, smiling at her. ‘I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.’

  ‘Right,’ she said, relieved to be finished that particular conversation. ‘So tell me what else has been going on in your life. Are you still in touch with Rob and Jeremy?’

  The conversation turned to more normal topics and Holly was surprised at how easily they’d slipped back into their old, relaxed ways. All the awkwardness was gone and she was completely comfortable in his company. She still wanted to talk to him about their past, but now didn’t seem like the right time. Part of her wanted to forget about the outside world altogether and just enjoy the moment. The moment she’d thought would never happen again. Then all of a sudden, his mobile beeped, breaking the flow of the conversation.

  ‘Shit!’ he said, scrolling through the message. ‘Stephanie’s home already and I promised I’d have dinner ready when she got in.’

  Holly drained the last of her pint and reached for her coat. ‘You’d better go then. Where will you say you’ve been?’

  He shrugged. ‘I’ll tell her the truth.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes.’ He slipped on his own coat and wrapped a grey woollen scarf around his neck. ‘I’ll tell her I was here asking about a job.’

  Holly knew he wouldn’t mention her to Stephanie. Same as she wouldn’t mention him to David. But she suddenly felt guilty. Not that they’d done anything wrong, but just being there with Josh felt like she’d been disloyal to David. Josh had gone quiet and she guessed he was thinking the same thing.

  ‘Do you want to head off first or will I?’ he said, nodding his head towards the door.

  ‘You go. David won’t be home for a while yet and Stephanie is waiting.’

  He nodded and stood up. ‘Thanks for listening, Holly. It was good to catch up properly.’

  She watched his back disappear out the door and was filled with a sense of disappointment. But she gave herself a mental shake. What had she been expecting? A kiss? A hug? Either of which would have increased her guilt tenfold. She closed her eyes for a moment to remember his face. How he’d looked at her. It had been as though time had frozen for the last thirteen years and they’d looked at each other like they used to. When they’d been in love. But there was still one thing bothering her and she wished she could stop thinking about it. Try as she might, she just couldn’t remember that last kiss.

  Chapter 22

  Josh sat in the doctor’s surgery, nervously waiting for his name to be called. He slid over to the next seat to allow a mother and toddler to sit on two chairs at the end of the row, and within seconds he was regretting it. The mother had wedged the boy on the seat between them and Josh was sure the child was on the verge of throwing up. The mother kept whispering to him that it was better out than in and Josh feared the child was going to decorate him with his insides. He didn’t want to appear insensitive so he threw her a sympathetic head-tilt, while at the same time edging a little bit further away from the sick child.

  He’d been waiting over half an hour and it made him wonder why they gave people appointment times at all. There were so many people coughing and spluttering, blowing their noses and sneezing, that it would be a miracle if he didn’t go home sicker than he’d been when he came in. The longer he waited, the more agitated he became and he realised his hands were moist with sweat. He rubbed them on his grey jeans, leaving wet patches on his thighs which he tried to cover with a magazine. He was beginning to think it was a bad idea to have come. Maybe he should just go home and do as he’d planned and wait until after Christmas.

  ‘Josh O’Toole?’

  He almost jumped out of his skin when the doctor appeared at the door of the waiting room calling his name. Everybody looked around to see who the lucky one was and he felt the redness creeping from his neck upwards. Much as he’d love to slip out the door, it was too late. There was nothing else for it but to go in.

  ‘Is Josh O’Toole here?’ Her voice was loud, commanding, but there was no going back.

  Josh stood up and walked towards her and he felt the whole room slump. If one person wasn’t there, then they all moved up the list. Josh understood. He’d been thinking the same thing for the last forty minutes. He followed her down a corridor and into a room where she indicated for him to take a seat.

  ‘So, Josh.’ She scanned through information on her computer. ‘I haven’t seen you here since after your African trip last summer. I take it things settled down after a while?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes, thank God. It took a few weeks but I was fine after.’ She was referring to his trip with the Irish charity the previous July. After three weeks of eating unfamiliar food, he’d come home with a dicky stomach and had been off his food for quite a while.

  ‘So what brings you here today, then? Not the same problem, I hope?’

  ‘No. Well, yes, in a way. It’s my stomach, but it’s not the same.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘I’ve been getting a lot of pain in my lower stomach. It’s sporadic, but when it hits, sometimes it’s unbearable. I hope I’m wrong, but I think I know what it could be.’

  She looked over the rims of her impossibly small glasses. ‘And that is?’

  It came out as just a whisper. ‘I think there’s a chance it c
ould be cancer.’

  She breathed in sharply. ‘That’s a very big assumption, Josh. Why would you think you have cancer?’

  ‘My dad. He had it – died from it. Bowel cancer. I have all the symptoms.’

  She seemed unsure about what to say and he waited for the sympathy that was sure to ensue. ‘So,’ she said finally. ‘We don’t self-diagnose in this surgery so we’re going to have to run a few tests.’

  ‘I know. I wasn’t saying …’ The words stuck in his throat. That wasn’t exactly the reaction he’d expected.

  ‘Look, Josh.’ Her voice was softer now. ‘I’m sorry about your dad. But that doesn’t mean that you have it too. Let’s set the wheels in motion and we’ll see what we’re dealing with.’

  He lay down on the bed and she lifted up his top to feel around the stomach area. It was tender in places and she told him he was backed up. He had to ask her what she meant and he blushed when she told him he was constipated. She asked a number of questions while examining him and he could tell she was a woman that would leave no stone unturned.

  ‘Right,’ she said, indicating for him to sit up. ‘I’ll do some bloods and we’ll take it from there.’

  ‘Here? Now?’

  ‘Yes, unless that’s a problem? The sooner we get things moving the better.’

  Before he could object, she had a strap around his arm and was rooting with a needle to find a vein. He’d never been very brave when it came to injections and this was no exception. He bit down hard on his bottom lip as she tried vein after vein to get a good stream of blood, and just as he thought he couldn’t take the pain any more, she had success.

  ‘There we go,’ she said triumphantly. ‘That’s a good one. I’ve got a number of vials here so we’ll do a thorough check on everything. We’ll give you a call next week sometime with the results and to arrange for further tests.’

  ‘So is that it?’ he said, relieved. ‘I can go now?’

  ‘Unless you’d like to stay?’ She smiled and her previously stern face lit up. ‘I could always take some more blood, just to be sure.’

  He felt a weight had lifted because he knew he was in good hands. ‘That’s okay. I’ve probably had enough for one day. Thanks, doctor. I’ll wait for your call next week.’

  As he walked out the door, he thought about his encounter with Holly two days previously and felt grateful that she’d given him the push he’d needed to get himself checked out. He hopped into the car and indicated out of the parking area onto the main road. It was a quarter to five and Stephanie would be home – he needed to have that chat with her. She needed to know what was going on. She was his girlfriend. The soon-to-be mother of his child. Who knew what the future might hold, but if his life was going to be turned upside down in the next while, hers would be too.

  Minutes later he parked the car in the driveway and adjusted the rear-view mirror to take a look at number forty. It had become a bit of a habit. Inside their house, Stephanie was lying on the sofa with a bowl of peanuts by her side. She was engrossed in Les Misérables and didn’t even hear him come in.

  ‘Jesus, you frightened the life out of me,’ she said, when she finally noticed him watching her. ‘When did you come in?’

  He laughed at her expression. ‘Just now. You were glued to the screen.’

  ‘Sorry. You know what I’m like with this movie. I love it. Did you bring home dinner?’

  ‘Me? I thought you were cooking.’ They’d discussed it the previous night. She’d said she was going to cook them something nice since she was going to be at home all day.

  ‘Did I say that?’ she said innocently. ‘Baby brain!’

  ‘So no dinner then?’ Josh tried not to sound cross.

  ‘No, but even when I do cook, you never really like it much.’

  Josh sat down heavily on the end of the sofa. ‘But I’ve been in work all day, Stephanie. Anything would have been better than nothing.’

  ‘Don’t come over all male-chauvinist on me, Josh O’Toole. You know I’m not the Stepford Wife type.’

  ‘That’s not fair.’ He was stung by the comment. ‘I cook most of the time and you know it. Any time you’re out on a job, I have something ready for you when you get back.’

  ‘But you’re so much better at it than I am.’ She looked at him with her puppy eyes. She knew exactly how to wrap him around her little finger.

  He sighed and stood up. ‘Right, let’s order something in because I’m too exhausted to cook. Pizza or Chinese?’

  ‘Pizza, please,’ she said, pressing Play on the remote and returning her attention to the movie.

  He silently fumed as he headed into the kitchen, and when he saw the plates and cups piled high beside the dishwasher, he was ready to explode. Stephanie really had become lazy and it was driving him mad. He wasn’t the sort of guy who expected the woman to do all the housework, but she was at home most of the time so why not chip in with the chores a bit more? He rang the order through to the pizza restaurant and popped a teabag in a cup. Just then, the sound of Stephanie’s laugh reverberated through the house and Josh suddenly didn’t want a cup of tea. He reached into the back of the cupboard above the sink and found what he was looking for. A lovely bottle of full-bodied red wine. He’d been mostly supporting Stephanie in her sobriety throughout the pregnancy, but not today. He poured a glass and took a sip before rolling up his sleeves to begin the clean-up of the kitchen.

  ‘You said you had a meeting after work.’ Stephanie looked at him accusingly when he told her he’d been to the doctor. ‘Why would you lie?’

  Josh had no appetite so he threw his half-eaten slice of pizza back into the box. ‘This is what I’m trying to tell you, Steph. I haven’t been feeling too good and I decided to get checked out. I just didn’t want to worry you, that’s all.’

  She picked at the cheese on her pizza. ‘But you’re the one who’s always going on about honesty, Josh. You’re always preaching that we need to be open and honest with each other.’

  Josh wondered if she’d heard what he’d said. ‘I know and I’m sorry, Steph. But I had good reason, as I said before. And I’m telling you about it now.’

  ‘So what’s wrong with you, then?’ she said, taking a drink of her fizzy water. ‘It’s probably that flu that’s going around. Don’t think I’ll be nursing you if you end up in bed with it.’

  Charming. ‘No, Steph. It’s not a flu.’

  That seemed to get her attention and she stopped playing with the pizza and looked at him. ‘So what is it?’

  He wasn’t sure what to say. He knew he was jumping several steps ahead by thinking he had cancer but ever since he’d got it into his head, he was convinced that it was true. And he didn’t want them to have any secrets.

  ‘Josh?’ Her voice was becoming more urgent and he needed to keep her calm.

  ‘Look, Steph. I don’t want you to worry because I need to have tests and all that and the doctor couldn’t confirm anything.’

  ‘Go on,’ she said, leaning forward, her eyes wide.

  ‘Well, you know how Dad had bowel cancer?’

  She nodded.

  ‘I’m worried that I might have it too.’ There. He’d said it so there was no going back.

  She just looked at him for what seemed like an eternity and didn’t speak a word.

  ‘Are you okay, Steph? As I said, I won’t know anything until at least next week. The doctor took bloods and she’s going to send me for some tests too. I could be wrong. But I just have this feeling.’

  ‘God, Josh, I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘I don’t want you to worry, Steph. I’m young and fit and, no matter what happens, we’ll get through it.’

  ‘And will you be able to work?’

  The question took him by surprise. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean if you have it. Cancer. You can still work, right? You won’t have to retire or anything?’

  ‘Of course not,’ he said, puzzled at her line of questioning. Maybe s
he was in shock. ‘If, and only if, I have cancer, I assume I’ll need some time off for treatment.’

  She nodded. ‘And will you get paid for that time off?’

  Was she serious? He’d just told her he might have cancer and she was worried about money? If it wasn’t so sad, it would be funny.

  But, thankfully, she obviously realised what she’d said. ‘God, that sounded awful, didn’t it? I’m sorry, Josh. Money is the last thing we should be worried about. It’s just you’ve sprung all this on me and I don’t know what to think.’ Tears formed in the corners of her eyes and began to spill down her face.

  Josh rushed over to her and bent down on his hunkers beside her, wrapping his arms around her. ‘Oh, Steph, don’t cry. We’ll get through this, both of us. We can be each other’s strength. And don’t you worry about anything. I’ll be paid if I have to take sick leave so all we’ll have to worry about is getting me better.’

  She nodded and he noticed how her tears had dried up already. Neither of them was really hungry so they threw the remaining pizza in the bin and headed into the sitting room to watch a movie. Josh was glad he didn’t have to pretend any more. But the conversation had unsettled him. He couldn’t blame Stephanie. Not really. As she said herself, she was probably in shock. But as he looked over and saw her looking relaxed and happy, laughing at some scene of the movie, he wondered if she really loved him at all.

  Chapter 23

  December 2001

  ‘It’s like a wonderland,’ said Holly, as she and Josh walked hand and hand along Grafton Street. ‘I’ve never seen so many lights in one place.’

  Josh smiled and squeezed her hand. ‘It’s great, isn’t it? And it’s wonderful to see you smile again.’

  It had been a really rough year but they were finally coming out the other end of it. Not that they’d ever forget. Holly knew she’d remember forever, but they’d found a way to move on. To be happy again. They were in Dublin city centre doing some Christmas shopping and were enjoying having the day to themselves. They both loved Christmas but there was no doubt that it would be a bittersweet one this year. They crossed the road to St Stephen’s Green and found a bench where they could sit and relax.