Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  All the traffic was going in the opposite direction so it didn’t take him long to get into town and he was lucky enough to get a parking spot on the quays, close to Caple Street Bridge. Farrell’s was nearby so, a few minutes later, he rounded the corner and arrived at the door of the pub. He cupped his hands around his mouth and checked his breath before pushing the door and entering. It was surprisingly busy for an early Tuesday evening, confirming to Josh that the economy was well and truly on the way back up. He walked towards the bar, looking around, but at first he couldn’t see them. Then a bellowing laugh came from the smoking area out the back and he knew it was his Steph.

  He hated to think of her sitting out there, her friends all smoking and her breathing it all in. But he relaxed when he saw them. They looked like they were having such a good time, laughing their heads off at something or other. He was just about to join the party when something caught his attention and glued him to the spot.

  They were passing what looked like a cigarette from one to the other. Each of them was taking a long, hard pull before passing it on to the next person. But Josh was savvy enough to know it wasn’t a cigarette. It was a joint. He couldn’t move as the joint came to Stephanie next and he willed with all his heart for her to shake her head and pass it on. But she didn’t. She took her turn, inhaling deeply and throwing back her head to laugh afterwards. He couldn’t believe it. He’d trusted her. She’d promised him she was done with all that.

  Without further thought, he turned and rushed out of the pub before they could see him. Part of him had wanted to confront her there and then – but to what end? He’d embarrass her, make a fool of himself and their relationship might never recover from it all. Instead he was going to have a think about what he was going to say. Once outside, he leaned his back against the wall of the pub and tried to get things straight in his head. He remembered back to the other times she’d been out with those friends. When she’d come home acting drunk, even though she’d sworn she hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol. Could it be that she was smoking joints on a regular basis? If that was the case, it couldn’t be good news for the baby. He was livid.

  His stomach was in knots as he headed back to the car. She was a bloody liar. He’d believed her when she’d put on her little-girl-lost voice and assured him that her drug-taking days were well behind her. How easily she’d been able to lie and how gullible he’d been. He was back on the road within minutes, and the more he thought about the situation, the angrier he was becoming. How dare she! If she’d no consideration for herself, she should at least have been thinking of their unborn child. What if the baby was born with an illness or a defect due to Stephanie’s substance abuse? It didn’t bear thinking about.

  He drove all the way home in a bit of a trance and was surprised when he pulled the car into his own driveway sometime later. He didn’t bother checking out number forty this time so he almost jumped out of his skin when he got out of the car and Holly was standing behind him.

  ‘Hi, Josh. I saw you driving in and thought I’d come and see how things are.’

  ‘I … yes, everything is fine.’ He really didn’t feel like idle chit-chat.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about you since our talk last week. Have you been to the doctor yet? And have you told Stephanie?’

  He glared at her. ‘Look, Holly, I don’t mean to be rude, but whatever is going on between myself and Stephanie is our own business. So if you don’t mind, I’m pretty busy right now.’

  ‘Oh, right. I didn’t mean … I mean, I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine. I’m just in a hurry, that’s all.’ He couldn’t get his keys into the lock fast enough, and when he’d shut the door behind him, he leaned his back against it and placed both hands over his face.

  His head was all over the place and it wasn’t long before tears sprang to his eyes. He shouldn’t have spoken to Holly like that. She was only being nice and she was obviously concerned for him. But he couldn’t bear talking to her when she was so loved-up with David and his own life was in such turmoil. He didn’t begrudge her happiness, but at that moment, he envied it. Only a few hours ago he’d been feeling on top of the world and now he was devastated. It brought to mind, once again, how life can change in the blink of an eye.

  The front door slammed and Stephanie’s voice sang from the hall. ‘I’m home. Where are you, Josh?’

  Josh poured himself another glass of wine and took a huge gulp.

  ‘Ah, there you are,’ she said, coming into the kitchen. ‘Did you not hear me calling?’

  ‘I did. And I was waiting for you.’

  ‘Josh O’Toole. Are you drunk?’ She giggled as she sat down at the table and shrugged off her coat, hanging it neatly on the back of her chair.

  ‘I’m not sure. Are you?’

  She looked confused. ‘Am I what?’

  ‘Are you drunk?’

  ‘Of course I’m not. What do you think I –?’

  ‘Or high?’

  She glared at him for a moment but he could see the fear in her eyes. ‘What are you talking about, Josh? I think you’ve had way too much to drink.’

  ‘And I think you’ve smoked way too much weed to be able to make a judgement like that.’

  She stood up suddenly and walked to the sink to pour a glass of water. ‘Not this again, Josh. How many times do I have to tell you?’ She took her water and began to storm out of the room.

  But Josh wasn’t having it. He stood up and shouted after her. ‘I saw you, you know.’

  She spun around. ‘What are you talking about? Where did you see me?’

  ‘In town. In Farrell’s. Just a couple of hours ago.’ He felt himself swaying and leaned against the door frame.

  ‘How? I don’t understand.’ She was definitely rattled so he continued.

  ‘I went in there. After we spoke earlier. And I saw you and your friends passing a joint around.’ He spat the word out. ‘And I saw you smoke it, so don’t come the innocent with me.’

  ‘No, I didn’t!’ She stood her ground in the hall and glared at him. ‘I admit the others were having one but I didn’t touch it.’

  Josh couldn’t believe she’d be so brazen as to lie to his face. ‘Steph, I saw you. With my own two eyes. I watched as you smoked it and threw your head back laughing when you passed it on.’

  He could see her resolve begin to falter. ‘What were you doing spying on me? Is that any way to treat your girlfriend? The mother of your unborn child?’

  ‘Don’t talk to me about being the mother of my unborn child,’ he said, taking a couple of steps towards her. ‘If you cared about that child, you would not be smoking dope!’

  She took a few steps back. ‘Josh, stop shouting. I don’t like it. You’re scaring me.’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Steph. You know I’d never hurt you. Stop acting like the victim here.’

  ‘I’m not,’ she said, looking wounded. ‘But it was just one puff. You’re acting like I’m some sort of crazed drug addict.’

  ‘So you did take a puff then? I thought you said you didn’t.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘Stop trying to catch me out, Josh. And, yes, I did have a puff. But what harm could it do?’

  ‘And the other times? The nights when you’ve come home all giggly and loud. Did you have “just one puff” those times?’

  ‘Josh! You’re making way too much of this. I’ve had a puff of a joint. Deal with it!’

  ‘Deal with it? You’re carrying our baby, Steph!’

  ‘And don’t I know all about it. I’m sick of hearing about the baby and about what our lives will be like when we have this little one. I’m sick of carrying it inside me, sick of getting fat and feeling ill. I’m just sick of the whole thing!’

  She burst into tears and stormed up the stairs. Josh was left open-mouthed, still standing at the kitchen door. Maybe he’d been too harsh. Maybe he’d gone too far and pushed her over the edge. His anger turned to worry and he began to climb the stairs to check on h
er. And then something inside made him stop. This was Stephanie’s game. Any time she did or said something wrong, she deflected attention from it by going off to their room crying. Josh would inevitably end up apologising and trying to cajole her out of her mood. But not this time.

  He headed back downstairs and into the kitchen. He was about to pour another glass of wine when he had a change of heart. He’d sobered up by then and he needed to get out of there to clear his head. So he poured the rest of the bottle down the sink and went to grab his coat from the bannister in the hall. He’d go for a walk and hopefully the cold night air would calm him down. He looked back at the Christmas lights that he’d so lovingly placed around the house. He couldn’t be bothered switching them on at the moment and they looked dark and sad, just like his mood. He zipped his coat up high around his neck to fend off the freezing cold and went outside, slamming the door behind him. A movement in the window of number forty caused him to look over, but he quickly turned away before hurrying down the street. He thought about how he’d felt talking to Holly the previous week. He’d felt warm and comforted. Safe and happy. He’d felt like he’d come home. But now not only was his relationship with Stephanie in question, he’d probably ruined any chance of Holly ever speaking to him again. What a mess. What a bloody, bloody mess.

  Chapter 25

  Holly dropped the blinds when she saw Josh look in her direction. She prayed he hadn’t seen her. His earlier rebuff had come as a shock to her and she didn’t want him thinking she was stalking him. He’d been so horrible to her. That wasn’t the Josh she knew – the kind-hearted, funny guy who would have moved heaven and earth to make her happy. In all the time she’d known him, he’d never snapped like that and it had really upset her.

  She heard the shower go on upstairs and knew she’d have a few minutes before David came back down so she flopped onto the sofa and tried to make sense of everything. After she’d come back into the house earlier, she hadn’t been able to stop crying. She’d felt like a total idiot. And the worst of it was, Josh had probably been right. It was none of her business. Any of it. She’d mistakenly thought that Josh had wanted her input. She’d thought he valued her opinion and he’d even seemed happy to have confided in her. But for some reason, he’d had a change of heart and didn’t want her involved any more.

  Although it was upsetting, maybe his rebuff was a good thing. A wake-up call for her. After spending some time with him last Wednesday, she’d begun to allow some of those old feelings to creep back in and, really, it was just a recipe for disaster. They both had their own lives now and nothing good could come from trying to recreate the past.

  She realised David was finished in the shower because she could hear him pottering around in the bedroom, and all of a sudden she wanted to forget about Josh and his problems and concentrate on her own relationship. Josh had done her a favour, really, by being so mean and speaking to her so dismissively. David never would have spoken to her like that. David was a good guy. And Holly needed stability – not uncertainties.

  ‘I needed that,’ David said, walking into the sitting room wearing a fresh pair of slacks and a crisp shirt. ‘Work was very stressful today.’

  Holly shifted over on the sofa. ‘Come and sit down and tell me about it. We don’t spend enough time talking about stuff like that.’

  He looked at her suspiciously but did as she asked.

  ‘So what happened in work then?’ she continued. ‘Are people not paying back their loans?’

  ‘It’s a bit more complicated than that, Holly. We’re dealing mostly with large companies with loans of millions of euros and …’

  She nodded her head as he gave her a blow-by-blow account of how the world of banking worked. It was like a different language to her and she couldn’t be less interested. But she wanted to show him she cared – that his life was important to her and that he could talk to her about anything. She tuned out as he droned on and on but she managed to keep her eyes focused on him and even threw in the odd ‘I see’. She made a mental note to do some googling and find out more about the financial world. Maybe then she’d be able to impress him with her knowledge and maybe, just maybe, his stories would seem more interesting to her.

  ‘Sounds like you’ve had a bad day all right,’ she said, after he’d finished. ‘I was just thinking, why don’t we head off to the movies or something? There are a few good ones on I wouldn’t mind seeing and we’d be at Blanchardstown cinema in less than ten minutes.’

  ‘But it’s only Tuesday,’ he said, looking at her as though she’d suggested they take a plane to Paris. ‘We don’t go out on Tuesday nights.’

  ‘Why can’t we, though? There’s nothing to stop us. I’ve made a stew so we could have that tomorrow and grab some fast food while we’re there.’

  ‘A stew, you say? That’s exactly what I fancy after the day I’ve had: good, wholesome comfort food.’

  ‘Well, how about we have the dinner and then head off? Come on. It would be nice for a change. You can relax once we’re in there.’

  He looked as if he was going to relent and then he shook his head. ‘No, Holly. Sorry, but I’m not in form tonight. Maybe Friday. It’s too early in the week to be out gallivanting.’

  She sighed. The cinema was exactly the distraction she needed. It was only a few days since she’d finished work but already the four walls were beginning to close around her. She wasn’t going to give up so easily.

  ‘A drink then? Just one. In O’Malley’s? The walk would be nice. It would help clear your head and I could do with some fresh air myself. We could be home and all in an hour.’

  ‘Why are you so determined to get us out of the house, Holly? I’m just in from work. I know you’ve been here all day and you’re probably bored doing nothing, but I’ve been run off my feet.’

  She’d cleaned the house from top to bottom, done the shopping, made the dinner and he had the cheek to say she’d been doing nothing? ‘Okay, okay, I get it. You’re not going to budge.’

  ‘We could bring our stew in here and watch something on Netflix?’

  She felt irritated for a moment and then she looked at him scrolling through the Netflix menu and her heart softened. That was who David was. The man she’d fallen in love with. He wasn’t the most exciting guy on the planet but he would never let her down.

  ‘Why don’t we have a chat about the wedding then?’ she said. ‘I might slip down to the shop and pick up some wedding magazines and we can have a look through them together. What do you think?’

  ‘I think that sounds great. So you’re happy with it all then? I mean, with the church and the hotel and having it in summer 2017? Because I was worried that my mother had pushed you too hard. I promised you I wouldn’t let her take over and I meant it.’

  She snuggled into him. ‘Yes, I’m happy with it all, David. The main thing is I’m marrying you and I couldn’t really care less where or when that happens.’ And she really meant it. She was going to stop finding problems and start looking to the future. After all, she could still have the wedding she’d always dreamed of. Sort of. It would be minus the castle and the snow. But she couldn’t have everything.

  Holly doubled her scarf around her neck as the cold air bit at her ears. As she passed number three, she wondered where Josh was. She’d seen him heading out half an hour before and wondered if maybe she’d bump into him again. A bolt of excitement shot through her until she remembered how he’d spoken to her earlier, and her excitement quickly dissipated.

  ‘Hello there, Holly, love,’ came a voice from behind, making her jump. She turned and was happy to see it was Mr Fogarty with Simon.

  ‘Hi there, Mr Fogarty. And hello there, Simon.’ The dog jumped up and licked her on the face and she laughed at his enthusiasm.

  ‘Not bad for an old guy, is he?’ said Mr Fogarty. ‘I only wish my own bones were as obliging.’

  They fell into step together and Holly looked at the old man. ‘Why, what’s up with your bones? Is t
here something wrong?’

  ‘My hip. That’s what’s wrong. Apparently I need a new one.’

  ‘Oh God, that’s awful,’ said Holly, looking at him and realising for the first time that he was walking with a limp. ‘When will you have to go in for the operation?’

  ‘I don’t know yet, love. I’m waiting for a call. But I’m to take it easy in the meantime. To be honest, I shouldn’t even be out walking but Simon here needs his exercise.’

  Holly had an idea. ‘I can take Simon out for walks, Mr Fogarty. It would be no problem. I’d love it, actually.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ he said, looking at her as though she’d just told him he’d won the Lotto. ‘You’d do that for me?’

  ‘Of course I would. I love Simon. You know that. And I’m trying to get myself in shape again so the walk would do us both good.’

  ‘But it’s a lot to expect of you,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘You have your job and everything. I’m sure you just want to relax when you get home in the evenings.’

  She noticed him rubbing his leg as he walked so she slowed down. ‘You obviously haven’t heard the news then?’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I’ve lost my job. I’m not working at the veterinary practice any more.’

  ‘What?’ he said, stopping to look at her. ‘What happened? I’m due to take Simon in there next week for his kidney check-up. I can’t believe you won’t be there.’