Falling Softly

by Maria Duffy

  ‘Even if I did feel something for Holly,’ he said, opening the front door, ‘I would never tell her. I’d never wade in and ruin what she has with David.’

  ‘Oh God. I promised her I wouldn’t tell you.’

  ‘Tell me what?’

  ‘I … I can’t.’

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake, Carina. Just tell me and then go.’

  ‘Holly has left David. She’s back living with Mum and Dad. And she’s going to kill me. Again.’

  Josh’s thoughts whirled and he didn’t know how to respond. Holly wasn’t with David any more. He wasn’t with Stephanie. He wasn’t sure what to do with that information and his head was beginning to throb from the pressure.

  ‘Josh?’

  ‘Stephanie’s gone too.’

  ‘What? Do you mean gone as in left?’ Steam rose in the air from her warm breath. ‘What about the baby?’

  ‘Not mine.’ He felt the sting of tears at the backs of his eyes as he said the words.

  ‘Oh, Josh. That’s awful. I really am very sorry.’

  ‘Well, now you know. And tell Holly I’m very sorry too. For what it’s worth, I thought she and David made a lovely couple.’ That was a lie.

  ‘Wait,’ said Carina, as Josh was about to close the door. ‘Doesn’t that change things?’

  ‘What? Just because we’re both single now? How does that change anything?’

  ‘There’s nothing in your way now. You can at least get together and talk about things.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Josh, come on. I know you still love her.’

  ‘Holly and I won’t be getting back together, Carina. I know you mean well, but you can stop with your matchmaking. Too much has happened. There’s been too much hurt and we’re not the people we used to be. It’s thirteen years too late for Holly and me.’

  He closed the door and walked back into the living room in a daze. His head was throbbing and he was finding it difficult to compose his thoughts. So much had happened in such a short space of time and it was all too much to take in. There’d been so much heartbreak. Josh was going to have to figure out a way to move on with his life and face the future. Without Holly. Because there was just no way they could ever get back together. Was there?

  Chapter 41

  ‘You what?’ said Holly, glaring at Carina. ‘Please tell me you didn’t.’

  Carina nodded. ‘I did. But I had to. And as it happens -’

  ‘No, you bloody well didn’t have to. I told you to keep out of it. I honestly can’t believe that you went high-tailing it over to his house to tell him after I specifically told you not to.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Holly. I just thought –’

  ‘That’s your trouble, Carina. You don’t think. If you’d thought about it, you wouldn’t have waded in again. God, Josh must think I’m a helpless, pathetic woman, getting you to go over to him to announce I’ve split with my fiancé.’

  She stood up and began pacing up and down the kitchen. It was late on Monday night and Carina had arrived unannounced just ten minutes before. As soon as Holly had seen her face, she’d known something was up. And then Carina had blurted out the whole story. How she’d gone to Josh’s to apologise for her past interference. How he’d been all beaten up from a car crash. And how she’d accidentally told him about Holly’s newfound single status.

  ‘Four days to Christmas,’ said Holly, continuing with her rant. ‘Just four days to what’s usually the highlight of my year. And you couldn’t leave things alone. It’s enough that I’m worried about David and worried about my own future, but now I have to stress about what Josh must think of me. I mean, did he think I was sending you over to try and break up his relationship? I know what that baby means to him and I’d never do anything to upset things between him and Stephanie.’

  ‘Holly, if you’d just listen to the rest of the story. Come and sit down.’

  ‘The rest of the story? Oh God, there’s more? I don’t know if I want to hear it.’

  ‘Trust me,’ said Carina. ‘You do.’

  Carina’s voice was soft. Calming. And Holly felt herself beginning to relax a little. Much as she hated the idea that Carina had gone over there to talk to Josh, she was also a little bit curious. Had he been shocked at Carina’s revelation? Had he been upset for her? Or was a teeny bit of him happy that she was now single?

  ‘Okay,’ said Holly, sitting back down. ‘Tell me the rest.’

  Carina leaned forward on her elbows. ‘Well, as it turns out, you’re not the only one who’s now single.’

  It took Holly a moment before realisation dawned. ‘What? Josh and Stephanie? Split up? You must have got that wrong.’

  ‘It’s the truth all right. Josh told me himself. I don’t know the details, but he said she was gone.’

  Holly shook her head in disbelief. ‘I can’t believe it. But what about the baby? I hope she’s going to be fair to him and he doesn’t end up in a terrible custody battle. You hear about things like that. You know Rory Kilduff from the Avenue? His girlfriend wouldn’t let him –’

  ‘It’s not his.’

  Holly glared at Carina, trying to make sense of what she’d said.

  ‘It’s not his, Holly. The baby isn’t his. That’s what he told me.’

  ‘Oh my God.’ Holly’s hand shot up to her mouth. ‘Poor Josh. And he didn’t know? Well, of course he didn’t. He was making plans and he was so excited. That’s awful. Really awful.’

  ‘I know. I felt so sorry for him. He was all battered and bruised and he looked so miserable. And all alone.’ Carina raised her eyebrows at Holly.

  ‘Stop it, Carina. I am not going to see him.’ But she couldn’t help smiling at Carina’s persistence. ‘Right, I’m putting the kettle on. I assume you’ll have tea? Mum bought a tin of Chocolate Kimberly earlier. They’re supposed to be for Christmas but I think even she’d agree that this is an emergency, requiring only the best confectionery.’

  ‘Does this mean I’m forgiven?’ Carina batted her long black eyelashes at Holly.

  ‘I can forgive you this time, Carina,’ Holly said, leaning against the kitchen counter, ‘because it’s not as though my split with David would have remained a secret. He was bound to find out. But please, please, please, can you just stop it now? Stop interfering in my life, whether you think I need it or not. I’m old enough to look after myself, and if there are mistakes to be made, I need to make them myself.’

  ‘Deal,’ said Carina, looking relieved. ‘But don’t bite my head off when I ask what you’re going to do about Josh.’

  Holly thought for a moment. ‘I’m not going to do anything. It’s too late for us, Carina.’

  ‘That’s funny. That’s exactly what Josh said.’

  ‘Is it?’ Holly felt a little stung. She’d said the words but hadn’t really meant them. Hearing that he was no longer with Stephanie had ignited some hope in her and, although she hadn’t wanted to admit it to Carina, she’d wondered if maybe there was a chance for her and Josh. But obviously not. ‘What exactly did he say, Carina?’

  Carina shifted awkwardly in her chair.

  ‘Just tell me!’

  ‘He said that you’re not the same people you used to be. He said that a lot has happened and that it’s …’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘It’s thirteen years too late for both of you.’

  It was like a knife to Holly’s heart. She swallowed back the tears enough to reply. ‘Well, there you go. That’s your answer. Josh and I need to move forward with our lives and it would be wrong to get too caught up in the past. Onwards and upwards.’

  ‘But, Holly –’

  ‘No, Carina. I don’t want to hear any more about it. There are only a few days left until Christmas so I’m going to stick on my happy face and join in with the festivities. And when it’s all over, I’m going to have a think about where I go from here. I have a business plan to work on, which will keep me busy, and I’ll need to move out and stand on my own two feet again. B
ut one thing is for sure, I don’t want to hear the name Josh O’Toole mentioned again. Are we clear?’

  Carina looked as though she was about to object but Holly shot her a warning look and she just nodded instead. What a week it had been. Holly felt exhausted. She turned to make the tea and closed her eyes tight. She felt as though she was closing a door on something huge. It felt so final. Josh had said it was too late. Thirteen years too late. She gripped the kitchen counter but suddenly she had no strength in her body. She began to slide to the floor before everything went black.

  Chapter 42

  Josh hadn’t enjoyed Christmas Day one bit. He’d spent it with his mother – just the two of them at her house. She’d cooked and the food had been spectacular, but he hadn’t been all that hungry. He was usually a massive fan of Christmas, but this year he just wanted to get it over with. He wanted to forget the pain that the last year had brought him and try to look ahead to a brand new year. But at least the day was almost over and he was heading home. His mother was going to spend the evening with John and despite Josh offering to bring her, she was insisting on driving herself.

  ‘Right,’ she said, joining him in the kitchen and wrapping a warm scarf around her neck. ‘Let’s head off. John is expecting me at seven so I don’t want to be late.’

  ‘Okay, Mum.’ He bent to kiss her on the cheek. ‘Safe driving and I’ll see you soon. Thanks so much for dinner. It was delicious.’

  She clicked her tongue disapprovingly. ‘You barely ate a thing, love. I know you’re hurting but you’ve got to look after yourself. Now, I’ve put together a few bits and pieces to keep you going for a few days.’ She took a heap of containers out of the fridge and handed them to Josh.

  ‘That would feed an army,’ he said, eyeing up the food. ‘You don’t have to give me all this.’

  ‘It’s just turkey and ham. And a few nice bits. And you can freeze anything you’re not ready to use.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum. And are you sure you don’t want a lift to John’s? You could get a taxi home later.’

  ‘Not at all, love. I like having my car with me.’ She winked at him as they walked towards the front door. ‘That way I can be ready to escape if I don’t like how things are going.’

  Josh laughed at that and turned suddenly to hug her. ‘I’m glad you’re happy, Mum. You deserve it. And John is lovely. A really, really lovely man.’

  ‘He is, love. And great company. Sure we’re just two golden oldies trying not to be lonely.’

  Josh nodded, a lump in his throat, and kissed his mother again before heading out to his replacement car. The garage had given it to him while he was waiting for the Micra to be fixed. It wouldn’t be ready until after Christmas, they’d said, but he was quite happy driving around in an almost new Volkswagen Golf in the meantime. It made him think about trading up to something nicer, more modern, now that he’d have more money. He’d spent the last few years supporting Stephanie financially while she swanned around the place trying to be an actress, and in the last few months, he’d been saving for the baby. Tears sprang to his eyes when he thought of the baby. The baby he’d thought was his. It would take him a long time to get over that.

  He parked in his driveway and looked across, as he’d done so often these last few weeks, at number forty. He stood for a moment, thinking about the day he’d realised Holly was living there. The day he’d realised he’d never stopped loving her. Just then the door opened and David walked outside, zapping the lock on his car and opening it to take something out. He locked it again and glanced across the road to where Josh was still staring. They looked at each other for a moment until David raised his hand and waved. ‘Merry Christmas,’ he said, before turning and going back inside.

  Inside the house, Josh filled his fridge with the cartons of food then took out a beer. It was strange to be alone on Christmas night. It certainly wasn’t the way he’d imagined spending it. In the living room, the Christmas tree looked tired and sad. Josh hadn’t bothered putting on the lights, nor had he put the lights on outside the house. There didn’t seem to be any point. He wasn’t happy, so why should he put on a happy front?

  He flicked on the telly but he wasn’t in form for the Christmas cheer that seemed to be on every channel. So he stuck on Sky News, which was more reflective of his mood. A picture of Holly filled his mind as he lay there on the sofa, and before he knew it, tears were falling down his face. Holly Russo. The great love of his life. She’d always been the one. Just then the doorbell rang, jolting him out of his reverie. He wiped away his tears with the sleeve of his shirt and went to answer the door.

  ‘Josh, love,’ said his mother, stepping into the hall, ‘I have your phone here. I think you must have taken – What’s wrong? Are you crying?’

  ‘Of course not. I … I was just sneezing. Do you want to stay for a cup of tea before you head over to John’s?’ He prayed she’d refuse because he just wanted to be on his own.

  ‘I won’t stay, love. I don’t want to be late for John. But I don’t want to leave you until I know you’re okay.’

  ‘I’m fine, Mum. Honestly.’ He led the way into the kitchen where he’d left the phone. He hadn’t even noticed he’d taken the wrong one.

  ‘Well, Josh O’Toole,’ said his mother in a stern tone, ‘you’re not fooling me. Listen, I didn’t bring up the subject today because I reckoned you’d talk about it if you wanted to, but what are you going to do about Holly?’

  The question took him by surprise. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Do you still love her?’

  ‘Mum!’

  ‘Well, do you?’ She fixed him with a steady gaze and he had to look away.

  ‘Josh?’

  ‘Yes. Yes, I do.’

  ‘Well, then, what’s keeping you away? You’re both free now and didn’t Carina tell you she loves you too? It seems to me that you’re both as stubborn as each other.’

  ‘But it’s more complicated than that, Mum.’

  She sighed. ‘It doesn’t have to be. Stop putting obstacles in the way. If you truly love the girl, go and get her. Life is too short for indecision.’

  ‘I’ll think about it.’

  ‘You do that,’ she said, turning back towards the front door. ‘But don’t let happiness pass you by. If you have a chance to get it, grab it with both hands and hold on for dear life.’

  They said goodbye again and he resumed his position on the sofa, mulling over his mother’s words. And then he noticed the weather forecast on the telly. There was going to be snow. The reporter was wrapped up in his winter woollies. Behind him was a castle, regally reaching up towards the filled clouds. And just as he was talking, snow began to fall lightly, covering his hair with a delicate dusting of white fluff. That’s when Josh knew. It was a sign.

  He jumped up from the sofa, wincing at the pain in his neck as he rushed upstairs. He brushed his teeth quickly and ran a comb through his unruly hair. Back downstairs, he put on his navy parka and wrapped a colourful scarf around his neck. This felt right. For the first time in a long time, he felt certain. Certain of the future that he knew he deserved and certain that, if all went to plan, he might just get his happy ever after.

  Chapter 43

  It was the worst Christmas Day ever. Holly had managed to plaster a smile on her face all day while she sat around the table with her family. Carina and Jason had been all loved up and the only thing she’d had a cuddle from were her mother’s two cats. It had filled her with the fear she’d always had of becoming an old matronly cat-woman, sinking lower and lower into a spinsterly depression. She’d been saved once from that fate but now she feared she’d never be saved again.

  She finished drying the last of the dishes and, for about the millionth time that week, cursed the fact that her parents shunned modern appliances like dishwashers, preferring the old reliable Fairy Liquid and a pair of rubber gloves. She’d sent them all off to Carina’s half an hour before, promising to follow as soon as she’d finished in the kitc
hen. Going to Carina’s house on Christmas night was traditional. They’d start the evening with karaoke on the PlayStation, moving on to a more sedate game of poker later for the die-hards. The funny thing about it was that, cheesy and all as it was, she usually enjoyed it. And David had enjoyed it too when he’d been there for the last couple of years. But this year, she wasn’t in form for it.

  She wiped down the counter when she’d put the last of the plates away and threw the soaking tea-towel into the washing machine. Her mother was always giving out about the washing machine, claiming that it was like a plane taking off when it was in full spin. She kept an ancient wash tub with a clothes wringer on top out in the shed and Holly feared that she’d one day replace the modern machine with it. She glanced around the kitchen. It was sparkling clean so there was no reason to delay any longer. She’d have to join them at Carina’s house or they’d be sending a search party over to get her.

  She’d suggested earlier that she might just stay home, but she’d been met with objections from everyone. ‘You can’t be on your own right now,’ her mother had said. ‘You need to have people around you.’ And ‘Of course you should come with us,’ her dad had added. Carina’s offering wasn’t as obvious but had the same intent. ‘We’d miss you if you weren’t there, Holly. It wouldn’t be the same.’ In truth, ever since Holly had fainted in the kitchen a few days before, they’d all been afraid to let her out of their sight lest she’d collapse and do herself damage.

  She was just about to head upstairs to get herself ready to go when there was a knock on the door, which almost made her jump out of her skin. She couldn’t imagine who’d be calling on Christmas evening and, for a brief moment, she thought it could be David. She hoped he wasn’t there to beg her to go back to him. Because one thing was for sure, she and David just weren’t meant to be. She crossed her fingers behind her back as she opened the door, but her legs almost collapsed beneath her when she saw who was there.