Faye Kellerman_Decker & Lazarus 06

by Grievous Sin

  She burst into tears. The baby immediately began to cry.

  “Oh, great!” Rina sobbed. “Now look what I’ve done! I’m no use to anybody anymore!”

  Torn between wanting to comfort his wife or his child, Decker chose the kid. He started walking around the room with his daughter, holding her tightly, cooing in her ear, trying to toss Rina reassuring smiles as he paced. He supposed he was partially successful, because Rina stopped crying. She wiped her eyes on a blanket and stared at him, looking forlorn and waifish. The woman was drained!

  Decker kissed his daughter’s cheek, feeling the tiny body get heavier and heavier. He felt soft breath on his hand, smelled the perfume that only newborns could produce. His thoughts turned to another infant ripped away from her mother. As fury welled up inside his breast, he told himself to breathe deeply, not wanting to inject his poison into his daughter. The bedroom had turned very quiet.

  Finally, Decker whispered, “I think she’s asleep. I’m going to tell Nora to set up the portable crib tonight. If you don’t want sleep, that’s your business. But I do. I’ll be right back.”

  Rina nodded, a chastened look on her face.

  Decker sighed, then walked into the living room. “Nora, you want to set up the Portacrib in here?”

  The baby nurse looked stunned. “How’d you do it?”

  “Spouse’s magic.”

  Nora smiled. “You seem to work magic with all your women. Hannah looks happy being with her papa.”

  “Not half as happy as I am. I know I’m prejudiced, but she really is gorgeous. An exceptionally beautiful baby. And intelligent. I can see it in her eyes.”

  “Her eyes are closed, Sergeant.”

  “Her intelligence is so remarkable, it shines through the eyelids.”

  The nurse burst into laughter and began unfolding the Portacrib. “I’ll take her whenever you’re ready.”

  “Just another moment.” Decker kissed a silken cheek. “God, she feels good. Why do babies feel so good?”

  “The Lord made them that way so we’d take care of them. Can you imagine waking up at all hours of the night to take care of a thing that smelled and felt like beef jerky?”

  Decker laughed.

  “You need your sleep, Sergeant.”

  “Yeah, I suppose I do.” Reluctantly, Decker yielded his daughter to the nurse.

  Nora cradled the baby in her arms, then placed her in the crib, tucking her in tightly with a pink blanket. She checked her watch. “She’s sound asleep, probably won’t be needing another feeding until three, maybe even four, hours from now. I suggest you catch your sleep while you can.”

  “Thanks, Nora.”

  “Night, Sergeant.”

  Decker lingered a moment over the Portacrib, staring at the small face, the tiny hands clenched in fists. He patted the curled fingers, feeling bones so thin and fragile. He thought, Even the bad guys start out this way. How we muck up our lives. He blew Hannah a kiss, then went back to the bedroom. Rina had wrapped herself under the blanket.

  “Can I talk to you for a moment?” Decker asked.

  “Talk.”

  Rina’s voice came out muffled.

  Decker ran his hand over sheeted curves. “First off, I want to say that I love you. Second, I want to say that I think you’re coping really well.”

  “That’s a laugh!”

  “I don’t think a man could manage a tenth as well as you’re doing.”

  “That’s being patronizing!”

  When the frustration mounts, what better to do than laugh. Decker let out a soft chuckle.

  “Great! Now you’re laughing at me! You think I’m being childish, don’t you!”

  “No, Rina, I don’t think you’re being childish.” Decker pulled down the blanket, exposing his wife’s face. “I think you’ve been through a terrible ordeal, and I’m amazed that you’re functioning as well as you are. Look at you, sweetheart. You’re taking care of an infant, you’re spending time with the boys—”

  “I was falling asleep in their faces.”

  “Honey, they’re so happy just to see you…talking. They know what you’ve gone through. You’re doing terrific. Just give yourself time.”

  Rina snaked under the covers and curled her body, bringing her knees to her chest. “I feel ugly and useless.” She pulled the blanket off her face. “But at least I make beautiful babies.”

  “Because you’re beautiful. And you’ve got an entire family that needs you. I need you, okay?”

  “That’s all good and fine, except you just don’t understand, Peter.”

  Decker sighed. “Explain to me what I don’t understand.”

  “What’s the use? You won’t understand anyway.”

  Decker bit his lip. “Give it a whirl. Please?”

  Rina turned to face him. “Well, imagine if you were suddenly castrated—”

  “Darlin’, that’s not the same thing—”

  “See, I told you you wouldn’t understand.”

  Again Decker bit his lip. “Sorry. Go on.”

  A moment of silence passed.

  “Okay, so maybe you’re right.” Again she looked at him. “It’s not exactly the same thing. Because men’s images of themselves are usually confined to that one location. With women, it’s the whole body. Not only have I been rendered useless locally, making me feel I’ve lost my purpose as a woman—”

  “Rina—”

  “Will you just hear me out?”

  “Go on.”

  “Thank you!” She cleared her throat. “Not only have I lost the seat of my womanhood, but right now, as of this moment, my whole body is about as sensual as an overstuffed pillow. I’ve got rolls and lumps and mammoth-sized hips and breasts the size of watermelons!”

  Decker muttered out loud, “So what’s wrong with that?”

  Rina laughed, then began to cry.

  “Honey, it’s all in your mind.”

  “The reading on the scale is not in my mind, Peter!”

  “Why the hell are you weighing yourself when you’ve just delivered days ago?”

  “I always weigh myself. That’s what women do.”

  “You’re setting yourself up. Of course you’ve got a little extra weight. You’ve just had a baby, for Christ’s sake!”

  “Will you stop scolding me!” Rina yelled.

  Decker didn’t answer, reminding himself to unclench his jaw and breathe normally. He had popped an Advil fifteen minutes ago when he had felt a headache coming on. Maybe he should have taken two. Finally, he said softly, “I know you won’t believe this, darlin’. But really, you are still very sexy to me!”

  “It’s not enough to be sexy to you, Peter,” Rina whispered. “I want to feel sexy, period! Feel like a woman again. I want to look like a woman again. Not some useless piece of breeding stock. That’s why I want to be with Hannah. At least when I’m with her, I see what my body produced.” She smiled softly. “She was worth every lump and bump. I just wish I…” Tears formed in her eyes. “What’s the use?”

  Decker digested all her words. “You think about your appearance a lot?”

  “Not a lot. Just when I feel useless and look like a cow.” Rina paused. “That’s not totally true. I do think about how I look. Every woman does. Just because I have a ring on my finger doesn’t mean I don’t take pride in my appearance. Don’t you?”

  Decker said, “Truthfully, I don’t give it a whole lot of thought. Just as long as I’m clean…maybe I should. Do you have any complaints?”

  “No, Peter, I don’t. And that’s the problem—the unfairness of it all. Men appraise, and women are appraised.”

  Decker slipped under the covers and wiped a tear off his wife’s face. “One of the nicest things about my position at the department is, I don’t have a lot of people standing over my shoulder…checking me out. Sure, I have bosses, but I’ve got a lot of independence. I’d hate to have people judging me all the time. I guess in a way, you have fifty percent of the adult population alwa
ys judging you, although I dare say your ratings are always superior. Even so, that’s pressure that most men don’t think about.”

  “And it’s out of our control. We can’t help what we look like…how we age…if we get a hysterectomy…”

  Decker cuddled his wife. “All I can say is I love you, not your uterus, and I think you’re beautiful. And by beautiful, I mean the inside kind as well as outside. I was attracted to the outside beauty, no question about it. But I fell in love with the inside beauty. And I’ll think you’re beautiful even when you’re old and wrinkled.” He paused. “Because however old you are, I’ll be twelve years older.”

  Rina slugged his good shoulder.

  “So for the past three years, you’ve looked like my daughter. How about you giving me a break and start looking like what you are. My second and younger—much, much younger—wife.”

  Rina was quiet for a minute. Then she said, “We’d better get some sleep.”

  “You mean you don’t want to engage in mad, passionate sex?”

  Rina broke into laughter.

  “Just trying to make you feel good about yourself.”

  Rina shook her head, then kissed his lips. “I love you. Thanks for talking to me.”

  “Honey, it’s my pleasure.”

  Rina flopped down on the bed. “I’m exhausted. Good night.”

  “Good night.” Decker fluffed up his pillow. Infinitely better than a tree trunk.

  25

  Sleeping through the six o’clock feeding, Decker thought, Some mother I’d make. But by seven-thirty, he had showered, shaved, dressed, and felt almost human again. Rina had fallen back asleep, so Decker took his tallit and tefillin out of the bedroom, opting to say his morning prayers in the living room. Standing over Hannah’s crib, watching her snooze, he had a lot to be thankful for and felt God should know about it. He had just about finished winding the leather straps of his phylacteries over the boxes when Hannah began to stir, cheeks flushed and a look of displeasure stamped across the tiny features. Within seconds the unhappy physiognomy was howling in protest. Decker took off his prayer shawl and stowed it in the velvet bag, then picked up his daughter.

  “Do we have something to say?”

  Hannah turned her face toward the sound of his voice, eyes slowly opening.

  “Good morning. Did you have a nice nap?”

  The baby didn’t answer and continued to focus through sleepy eyes. Decker felt something on his arm and looked at his jacket sleeve. A damp spot had darkened the material from gray to black. “I’ll make a deal with you, Hannah Rosie. I’ll change your diaper if you don’t give me any surprises.”

  The baby continued to stare.

  “Yeah, as if you give a hoot. Your clothes don’t have to be dry-cleaned.” He gently placed her in the Portacrib and changed her soaked diaper, tickling her tummy when he was done. “Feeling better?”

  The baby let out a sudden howl. Quickly, Decker swooped her up. “We certainly do have opinions.”

  Nora walked in. “Tell me the truth, Sergeant. Did you wake her up?”

  “Absolutely not. She woke up of her own accord. I just changed her diaper and was slow to pick her up. That didn’t set well with her.”

  Nora held out her hands. “Go get some breakfast.”

  “Boys get off to school okay?”

  “Sure did. Your big girl made them breakfast and left with them in the car ’bout half an hour ago. There’s a box of cornflakes on the counter, milk’s in the fridge.”

  “Thanks.”

  The front door opened, and Cindy waltzed through. She threw her arms around her father’s neck and kissed his cheek. “Good morning, Paterfamilias. May I offer you some victuals for your daytime fare?” She noticed Nora holding Hannah. “Well, look who’s up?” She plucked the baby from the nurse’s arms and started walking toward the kitchen. “How’s the sanest person in the family? Would you like your sugar water?”

  Decker’s eyes went from Cindy to Nora. “She’s in a good mood.”

  Nora laughed and began cleaning the living room. “Between your wife and Cindy, I don’t have to do a thing. Easiest money I ever made.”

  “Don’t complain.”

  “Who’s complaining?” The nurse laughed again.

  Decker followed his daughter into the kitchen, took out a knife, and halved one of the grapefruits he’d picked last night. It was pink and juicy. “You’re certainly chipper this morning.”

  “I got sleep.” Cindy poured bottled drinking water into a four-ounce bottle and added a teaspoon of sugar. “When I’m rested, I’m invincible.”

  “How’s your memory, Superwoman?”

  “Uh-oh.” Cindy sat down and began to feed the baby. “Something’s on the sergeant’s mind.”

  Decker was silent. Cindy said, “Really, Daddy. Do you need to ask me something?”

  “When you were in the nursery, Cindy, do you remember any black women hanging around Marie Bellson?”

  “Black women?”

  “Or just maybe a specific black woman. Don’t confine yourself to nurses. She could be a doctor, an orderly, a janitor, an administrator, a medical-supplies salesperson—just as long as she’s big and black.”

  “Why?”

  “I’ll tell you in a moment, after you’ve answered the question. But take your time. Think sequentially, Cindy—take it day by day.”

  Cindy was quiet as Hannah happily downed her sugar water. “You may be asking the wrong person. I tried to avoid Marie as much as possible.”

  Decker cut wedges of his grapefruit. “Do you remember any black women loitering around the nurseries, period?”

  Cindy thought for a long time. “I think I remember a black cleaning woman.”

  “You know, I remember one, too,” Decker said. “I’m going to have to go over my notes inch by inch.”

  “And of course, there was Lily. But she belonged there.”

  Decker looked up from his grapefruit. “Who’s Lily?”

  “One of the neonate nurses.”

  “What?”

  “What’s wrong, Daddy?”

  “This Lily is black?”

  “Last time I saw her she was.”

  “Don’t be cute. Do you know her last name?”

  “No, but Darlene would. I think Lily was one of her trainees.”

  “Why the hell don’t I remember the name?” Decker dashed out of the kitchen and opened his briefcase, quickly sorting through his notes. Cindy followed, babe in arms, and took a seat at the dining-room table.

  “What is it, Daddy?”

  “Just a sec, okay?”

  “What are you looking for? Maybe I can help.”

  “It’s not what I’m…just hold on, please.” Decker sat down and began to examine his notes more carefully. “I don’t have any Lily written down for Nursery J. Just a Christine Simms.”

  “What about Christine? She isn’t black.”

  “I know that. Do you remember seeing Christine the night Caitlin Rodriguez was taken?”

  Cindy furrowed her brow in concentration. “Yes…yes, definitely.”

  “How about this Lily person?”

  Again Cindy thought a while. “I don’t remember if I met her the night of the kidnapping or the night before. But like I said, Darlene would know if Lily was on duty.”

  “According to my notes, Darlene didn’t mention Lily, and I asked her all about the people under her care.”

  “Then probably Lily wasn’t on that night. All that hospital time blurs for me, Daddy.”

  “But even if Lily wasn’t on official duty, she could have been hanging around Nursery J and you wouldn’t have thought a thing about it.”

  “No, not at all. But I don’t know why she’d hang around the nurseries if she wasn’t on duty…unless you think she was involved.”

  Decker didn’t answer.

  Quietly, Cindy asked, “Daddy, why’d you specifically ask about a big black woman?”

  Decker ran his hand down his fa
ce. “The bones in the Honda don’t belong to Marie, honey. They belong to a big and heavy woman who’s probably black. Was Lily big and heavy?”

  Cindy nodded gravely, then her eyes began to water. Decker felt like a jerk. He should have been more subtle in his questioning, remembering Cindy was his daughter, not just another witness. But once he got into the swing of questioning, it was hard to turn off the cop mode.

  “She seemed like a nice person,” Cindy said. “Lily, I mean. She was young…not much older than I am.”

  “Princess, we haven’t even identified the body yet. This Lily could be safe and sound, at home watching TV and munching Cheetos as we speak. I shouldn’t be exposing you to this kind of garbage.”

  “No, it’s really…” Cindy forced herself to smile at Hannah. “Do you actually think Marie Bellson killed Lily?”

  “I won’t even begin to speculate before we have an I.D. on the bones. Right now I’m thinking about Darlene. I don’t know if she was holding out on me or if she just made an honest mistake.”

  “Or like I said, maybe Lily wasn’t on duty, Daddy.”

  “Maybe.” Decker put down his briefcase and went back into the kitchen. He stared at the grapefruit resting on the counter. His stomach was a knot, but he had to eat if he was going to be productive. He put up a pot of coffee, poured himself a bowl of cereal, scrambled some eggs, and forced breakfast down his gullet. Going through his notes one more time, he couldn’t understand how this Lily person was overlooked. About ten minutes later, Cindy came in with Hannah and sat beside him. Decker took his daughter’s hand.

  “Are you okay, Cindy?”

  “Fine.”

  “Honey, I want you to forget about the case, all right?”

  “No, it’s not all right. If you need my help, you have to ask me. You owe it to Caitlin Rodriguez.”

  Decker stood. “I’d better get to work.”

  “You’re brushing me off.”

  “No, honestly, I want to get to the hospital and talk to Darlene…if she’s even there. I’ve got to check out Lily. I’ve got a load of details to work out if I’m ever going to make headway on this case.”