Oasis of Crazy Fish

by Sasha Silver

  At one point, he told us that he was actually a spinal surgeon who specialized in scoliosis and ran his own clinic in Germany. Of course, Ann and I were skeptical and questioned what he was doing selling massages at a clinic in Turkey. He said his cousin owned the spa and he was he was asked to re-train the staff after too many people had complainedabout the massage treatment.

  Ann leaned into me and said she knew he was interested in one of us, she just didn’t know which one. I on the other hand thought he was just promoting his wares and being a smooth over zealous salesman. But, as we were about to leave the spa Hansasked if we fancied meeting up later. Apparently, there was a bar at the end of the road and he was going to be there at nine that night. I still thought he was just being kind. He kind of implied that it was just some people from work getting together and we would be welcome to join them.

  That evening at the hotel bar, I was introduced to red wine and coke. Sounds revolting, right? Actually, it’s really nice. I had two of them, and as I don’t normally drink alcohol, I was a little merry and ready for bed. So instead of meeting up with Hans, off we went to bed.

  The next morning as I was walking back to our table with my breakfast Hans approached me. “Where were you last night? I waited two hours for you.”

  I felt a bit embarrassed. I’m normally very reliable.

  “Last night? Umm…oh, yeah, I didn’t feel well so I went to bed. You waited two hours?”

  He looked at me with no warmth in his eyes. “Yes, I waited two hours.” I really know what to say. I felt rather awkward, but somehow, I think that was the point.

  “Oh my God. I’m so sorry. You made it sound like it was a flexible thing and you were going with friends from work.”

  He looked at me and said,“No. I went specifically to meet you.”

  “Oh, then we misunderstood you. All I can do is apologize. Can we make it up to you? Are you free tonight?”

  “Yes. But if you stand me up again, never speak to me again.”

  “Umm…Ok. We’ll see you tonight, same place and time?” He nodded left.

  I went back to the table and told Ann about this conversation. We were…I can’t think of the word; impressed, flattered, bemused, confused? We couldn’t decide if he was arrogant or confident.

  Later that evening we headeddown to the bar to meet Hans. We met outside and entered together, sitting at a table and ordering drinks. And you know, that tight bugger didn’t even pay for our drinks. Actually, now when I think of that…how rude. He invited us for a drink and doesn’t pay? I should have known then, but I let it go.

  I was gabbing away being all dithery and ditzy until apparently the minute that I realized it was me that he liked.

  As we left the bar Hans put his arm around me and I invited Ann to put her arm around him as well and we walked off as a threesome up the road back towards the hotel. When we arrived back at the hotel, he asked me to go back to his room - which, of course, I declined. I gave him a peck on the cheek and said goodbye.

  The next evening, Ann and I were having some drinks on the terrace when she noticed Hans looking for us, or me specifically, when he spotted me at the bar.

  “Tonight, I want to see you alone. At that bar, without your friend. See you at nine.” I was intimidated, but excited.

  At nine o’clock I walked down to the bar and waited outside it for his arrival. I saw him approaching and my heart was racing. I am so silly, not a grown up at all. In fact, I can be very immature in these early stages of the mating game. I felt so sexually intimidated by him, I had no idea why. Before we went in he grabbed me and kissed me so passionately I nearly came on the pavement right there. That definitely broke the ice a little.

  I don’t remember all the details of the evening, but I know we had a lovely time. He was very tactile touching me lightly as we talked. At one point, he talked about a life together. But I wondered where this could go? I lived in Lancashire he lived in Germany. When I’d asked him that, he turned and held my face so tightly and romantically that I melted.

  “Listen, my darling, I didn’t know I was going to meet you. You don’t know what life will give you. Why don’t we have a holiday together for a week and see what we have before we worry about anything else?”

  I panicked a little at that, but I hid it, smiling and saying, “Yea, ok. Why not?”

  Then he grabbed my phone and put his number in it, calling himself “My Last Husband.” He also added me to his Facebook account.

  “Keep in touch with me, ok. Promise?” he said and I promised that I would. He said he hoped that we would have an amazing holiday. It seemed he’d already decide that we would spend the rest of our lives together. He told me that he’d spent years working and building his practice and now wanted to take some time out and enjoy life.

  I checked out his Facebook page and knew there was something wrong. It was filled with over a thousand beautiful women from all around the world. From some of their sexually provocative poses I guessed they weren’t ordinary women. They honestly looked like models or porn stars. His Facebook page wasn’t his real name either. I had seen his real name in his passport.

  We had a real connection that night and couldn’t keep our hands off each other. And I know this will sound ridiculous, but marriage was even discussed – by him no less. Of course, with all my experiences, I listened to the words and hoped they would come true. But my guard was still up. They were just words to me…nice words that I liked hearing…but words none the less.

  The next day Ann and I were flying home at six. Hans came to see me. He told me he was dreading me going home. When he asked if I would I like a massage in the spa with him before I went, I said yes. But suddenlyI panicked, his hands would be all over my body. Fortunately, I am mean with money. So when said they would only charge me forty euros for the massage (Charge me? Charge me? Umm…I don’t think so pal. Red flag number two!), I had an out.

  We sat in reception waiting for our transfer to the airport and Hans didn’t even come to say goodbye to me. I should have known then that something wasn’t right. Actually, something did tell me that something wasn’t quite right, I chose to ignore it.

  Really, I don’t know if I could say that I really liked this guy or if it was that I was just so flattered that this really good-looking doctor who had a choice of all these women around the pool had picked me.

  We did keep in touch when I got back to the UK. Straight away he started asking me when I was coming back again. I hadn’t thought he meant that quickly. I was going to Holland soon for a week, and thought maybe I could add it on, but I couldn’t.

  We had a few arguments about when I was coming back. I think he thought I was messing him about, but it was about money and annual leave at work. He didn’t understand.

  This went on for some months. I kept checking out the prices but it was too expensive and I was trying to tell him, but he just wanted me there. I think he thought I was being difficult. Eventually I went quiet. I stopped texting him. I thought it was best just walk away.

  Hans did text me on my birthday a few months laterto say happy birthday and that he missed me. He said that he loved me. I was shocked he had said it and I didn’t acknowledge it. But I did reply to his text, and we started texting again…complete with the same issue of him wanting me to come see him and me not able to afford it.

  After a few days he sent me a text. “What if I pay for hotel and transfer and you just get the flight?” I tried to tell him that it was the middle of the school holidays and flights were too expensive.“Ok, I have a friend who is a travel agent here. Send me half the money for the flight and I will pay the other half.”

  Now, I don’t know if you’re reading this and screaming at me, “No! Don’t do it!” After all that I’ve seen on the internet I should have known better. I know! Really, I know. But, I was blinded by the words on this one and I sent to his friend who owns a travel agency. I did Google the travel agency and his friend and it seemed right.

&
nbsp; That’s when it all went wrong.

  I kept asking for my tickets. There was always an excuse; whenever he was at home he said he would do it at work, whenever he was at work he would say he would do it when he gets home. Even blaming a storm and the poor Wi-Fi one time.(I did Google it. And actually, he was telling the truth, that part of Germany was indeed having a massive storm.)

  In the end I asked him to give me back my money. I never got my money and I will never know if it was a con from the start.

  So, you can see,“real men” are just as sketchy as the ones that I’ve found online. It’s all just a crapshoot to meet that one person who you connect with, and it can happen in any environment.

  Pigs Might Fly

  I named this chapter because a pig might fly before any of these guys actually follow through with a date. These are the men that arrange a date (often after they’ve heavily pursued me), but for one reason or another we never actually got to meet.

  The internet is a crazy place; you can talk to one guy and one day they stop talking to you, but then somebody who seems better than the guy you just lost pops up. It’s all about timing and fate. That’s why these dates that never happened drive me a little bit crazy…what if I missed that chance with “the one?”

  Although, after reading some of these stories, I’m sure that you’ll come to the same conclusion that I actually dodged a few bullets and didn’t miss out on my Prince Charming.

  Roy from Liverpool

  So this guy contacted me. From his profile, he appeared tall, dark and handsome…just my type. Very soon, however, I was only getting one or two messages a week for weeks. This did not keep me engaged and I stopped worrying about this one. I should have just said good-bye at this point, but you know there was an optimistic part of me that kept chatting just in case he turned out to be something.

  We did exchange numbers, I knew I wasn’t going to get a lot of texts. That was really part of the reason that I gave him my number. I was right; some weeks I didn’t hear at all, others a couple of texts. I didn’t reply to the last two because by this time we had been talking a few months and I was bored. Somebody else had my interest by then.

  After about three weeks of no communication, he called me one day. I had deleted his number, so I answered it. I told him that I was busy and would call back. I called him back the next day and left a voice message he never phoned back.

  Two weeks later I get a text message from him. I replied, “Get lost, Mr. Time Waster.” He didn’t like that and was determined to prove me wrong, that he wasn’t a “time waster.” So he asked to meet me and I agreed. I only agreed because I knew we would never meet. And, honestly, it’s easier to say yes.

  The day before the date, I hadn’t heard anything from him. Now to be fair, I did tell him I would send a post code of the location I would like to meet. I wanted to see if he would remind me. He didn’t. The time and the date that we should have met came and went.

  I was sure I wouldn’t hear from him again. But I got a text the next morning. He just said, “Hi, how are you?” That irritated me because he hadn’t made contact all week and then the day after the date he sends a flippant message? With nothing to lose I told him straight.

  ME: Listen, I need to be honest with you. You may be a nice man - I will never know - but you’re not for me. I am an experienced internet dater and have observed the “hunting styles” of the male species. You’re what I call “a lazy dater.” I know exactly what I will get from you. So thank you for the short time we texted. I wish you good luck in your search. I need far more than you could ever give me.

  HIM: Lazy dater? You just think you’re something special and a bossy little madam too. Phew got out of this one in time. What a horrible woman you are go away and don’t speak to me again.

  ME: You didn’t get out of anything. You were never in. That’s the point.

  Jeremy from Blackpool

  Jeremy contacted me and we talked for a while before I agreed to meet him. The day before we were due to go on our date he sent me a message letting me that he’d met somebody else on the site the night before and they were going to try and give it a go. He said it was only fair to her and me if he was honest. I said no worries and goodbye.

  A week later Jeremy contacted me again asking if would go on a date with him as it hadn’t worked out with the other woman. I responded by saying no thank you. I am never second choice. I did wish him good luck.

  He messaged me many more times saying he was so sorry and asking if I would please meet him. But I wasn’t that arsed!

  Joe - from Buckinghamshire

  This guy sent me several requests. I should have blocked him, but there’s something rather sexy about a persistent man. After many attempts and not giving up, I eventually accepted and we started chatting. He was full on from the moment we started chatting, quickly asking for my number. I resisted for about ten minutes, but he was very insistent. In the end, he sent me his number to call him.

  I’d had a really busy day at work, I was thinking about my surgery, and had a tooth abscess so was in considerable pain. I really couldn’t be bothered to talk to anyone. I was not in a chatting mood. He just went on about me calling him, and to be honest, I was feeling a little suffocated. I don’t learn do I? I continue to let men persuade me into all sorts of things. He continued texting and pleading me to call him, so after an hour or so I did.

  Joe had a right cockney accent and very quickly he started to ask about us meeting. He wanted me to give him a date, location and time of when that would happen. I asked him about him being in Buckinghamshire and how he thought this would work with the distance. Apparently, his last relationship was with a lady from Cheshire, and that lasted for two and half years. And besides, he was on the verge of moving.

  We continued talking for the rest of the evening and eventually we arranged to meet. But, once I agreed to a Saturday, he started asking how long the date would be for, which I thought was odd.

  ME: Are you asking if you should bring an overnight bag?

  HIM: Yes, I really would like to fuck you

  Game over. Now you may think that is prudish of me. I just don’t make plans to go to bed with a guy before I have even met him. I wasn’t going to make him any promises. I go with how I feel at the time and him being so up front about what he wanted made me feel anxious. This is supposed to be fun. And suddenly this did not feel like fun.

  I was prepared to end it and not move forward, call a halt to the whole thing. Of course, when I told him that I was not in the market for his request, he did get a little abusive towards me. I just blocked him and moved on to the next one.

  Marcus from Bury

  I received a message from a guy on the site. I was pleasantly surprised when I got it. He wasn’t gorgeous, but he was doable in my book. He was in sales, which was obvious because he came across as very direct. It only took four messages for him to try to set up a meeting.

  HIM: So are you up for meeting me, or are you one of the ladies just looking to chat?

  ME: Well, aren’t you very direct? (I was playing my coy card)

  HIM: Why not? You don’t get anything if you don’t go for it. So, I ask again, you up for meeting me for a coffee?

  I had a think about it. Well it’s only a coffee, and I’m not doing anything else. So why not?

  ME: Ok go on then, why not?

  HIM: Ok. Let’s meet tomorrow. I will message you tomorrow.

  Right after that, he went off line. I sent my phone number and said, “text me.” He didn’t text me, so I kinda knew then what was about to happen.

  So the following morning arrived and he sent me a message on the site (not by text)…

  HIM: Good morning. I have to drop my daughter off early afternoon. As soon as I know what time I am doing that I will be in touch

  Guess what? Correct. He didn’t message me again.

  Fortunately, I had been invited to a friend’s BBQ that day and just went to that preparing myself that
if he messaged he was going to get all barrels. Alas, he didn’t message.

  I waited twenty-four hours and sent him a message, Well, that was all a bit weird. He didn’t respond.

  This is the kind of behavior that absolutely baffles me. I can’t understand it. Friends have said that maybe something came up for him, he got distracted, or maybe he couldn’t get away. Not good enough. A simple message to say that would have sufficed. Thankfully, I didn’t sit around waiting for him. But I bet there are some women who would. I wonder if that is the kick for some men? Thinking that somebody is sitting around waiting to hear from them and having their day ruined.

  Pete from (Oh My God! I Forgot Where He Was From)

  This one was a “boomerang,” texting me out of the blue. We started chatting arranged to meet for a coffee.

  It went a bit wrong almost as soon as I agreed to meet him. He started telling me what he was going to do to me when he met me. I’m not talking about taking me to the zoo, or buying me a cake. Oh no…he wanted me to sit in his car with him and let him “finger fuck” me. (His words, not mine.) I told him this wasn’t going to happen. So, he blocked me…or so I thought. I didn’t block him because I didn’t think I needed to.

  Three days later he started texting me sending emojis of broken hearts. Of course, I responded by saying it was his fault. Before I knew it, he had engaged me back into conversation with him and arranging to meet. There was just something about him that aroused me. I think because he sounds naughty and he makes me think about being naughty. I know lots of men have, but he feels a little different. I wasn’t emotionally attached to him, if I didn’t hear from him again, then so be it. It was just an arousal thing.

  We arranged to meet and it all started again. First, he was going to “finger fuck” me and then I was going to give him “just a little wank.” You can imagine how well that went over after the first time…and I told him exactly what I thought. That ended with him sending me a message that just said,“FUCK OFF.”