Code Red

by Amy Noelle

  One hour to go. Thank God. And since Jen wasn’t likely to be waiting for me at my place, I could throw myself into bed and sleep until I couldn’t sleep anymore. I was taking a sick day tomorrow, and there was nothing she could do to stop me.

  A pair of hands clamped down on my shoulders, and I screamed. It only made my head pound more.

  “I’m sorry, beautiful. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Oh, God. What was he doing here? Why wasn’t he in New York, celebrating his big promotion?

  “Well, you did.” I shrugged my shoulders to get free of his hold. I couldn’t let him touch me right now. I wouldn’t get through it if he did.

  “Hey, what’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy I managed to get here early.” He dropped into the seat next to mine and turned my chair so I was facing him. My heart ached just looking into his eyes. And he was wearing a suit. A sexy gray suit that was cut perfectly.

  “I’m not feeling well.” It was true.

  He touched my cheek and brushed my hair out of my face. “No, I can see that. Is there anything I can do for you?”

  Just go. Now.

  “No. Angela gave me her bottle of Tylenol.” One look at me this morning, and she’d dug into her bag and handed me the bottle without a word.

  “Well, that’s good. Listen, why don’t we bug out early, and I’ll pick up some chicken noodle soup at the deli? You can lie down and I’ll try to massage some of the tension out of you.”

  His offer was moot since he was the tension, but it was still sweet.

  “I think I’m just going to go home and go to sleep, if that’s okay.” His eyes flickered with some emotion I couldn’t name.

  “Alone?”

  “I don’t think I’d be very good company today.”

  “I see.” No, he didn’t, but that was okay. “If that’s what you want.”

  What I wanted and what I could have were two entirely different things. He stood and walked over to his desk before flipping his computer on. “Is there a reason why I haven’t heard from you since yesterday morning?”

  He asked that as if it was no big deal, but I could hear the irritation in his voice.

  “I got your text about New York,” I said. “I figured you’d be in meetings and catching up with friends and coworkers last night. And Jen has my phone, so I couldn’t contact anyone anyway.” The women of New York had probably thrown a parade in his honor. The hot man had returned.

  “Why does Jen have your phone?”

  If I lied, he’d find out about it. That was the shitty thing about my best friend dating his best friend. “Because I was drinking last night, and she didn’t want me drunk dialing.”

  He looked at me. “Was it a special occasion I didn’t know about?”

  “No, I just felt like drinking.”

  “And she didn’t want you calling who, exactly? Me?”

  I shrugged. “You never know what might slip out during a drunken phone call. She was just protecting me.”

  “Come on, Nic. Do you think I don’t know something’s up with you? Something beyond being randomly hung over on a Thursday when you barely drink more than one beer a night during the week? Why haven’t you answered my calls, texts, or e-mails from yesterday? We both had a major day. I would have thought you’d want to talk to me about it.”

  I couldn’t do this right now, but it didn’t look like he was going to let me suffer in silence. “What’s to say? Congratulations.”

  “Really? That’s all you’ve got?” His voice had an edge. He was getting mad. It didn’t happen often, but it was happening now when I really didn’t have the strength to deal with it.

  “What more do you want from me, Josh? I’ve given you all I can, and it’s not enough. I know that. You know that. So just enjoy your promotion and go home to New York where you belong.”

  He shoved back from his desk, and I jumped. “Is that what this is about? You heard about my promotion and decided what? That we’re over? So you stopped talking to me and got drunk? That was how you dealt with it?”

  “Seemed like a good idea at the time,” I muttered as I buried my head in my hands. I couldn’t look at him. Maybe Chris would let me work from home until Josh left. I’d be productive. It wasn’t like I had anything else to do anymore.

  “Seems like a stupid idea to me.” What had he expected? We both knew I sucked at relationships. I’d warned him before we even got started.

  “I can’t really disagree since I feel like shit right now, but it doesn’t change anything.” I glanced up at him. His eyes were narrowed, his jaw was clenched, and if I’d felt better and he weren’t leaving me, I might have crawled across the desks and kissed the hell out of him.

  “I’m happy for you,” I said. He snorted, and I almost laughed. “I am. I’m proud of you. Vice presidency at your age? That has to be unprecedented.”

  “It is a big deal. But I’m having a hard time caring at the moment, since it’s obviously causing you pain.”

  “I caused my pain.” Well, the physical pain, anyway. “I’ll be fine tomorrow.”

  “Will we?”

  “Sure.” I shrugged and tried to look unaffected by the sadness I saw on his face. “Look, we both knew this was likely a temporary thing.”

  “Oh, did we?” The edge was back.

  “Sure. You knew I was a bad bet, and I knew you were only here temporarily. We’ve always had an end date in sight, now it’s just becoming clearer.” He would be free soon enough, and I’d be crushed yet again. This was why I’d fought him so hard, and yet it hadn’t done me any good, because I wouldn’t have felt this way if I didn’t love him. My friends were right. I loved him, and it didn’t make a lick of difference. He’d be gone soon enough.

  “Maybe you’ve always had an end date, but I haven’t. That’s not what I want.”

  “Circumstances have changed. You have this awesome new job to get to, and we both know long-distance relationships rarely last, so there’s no point in dragging it out.” I’d rather get my heart crushed now, when I only just started loving him, than later when I’d love him so completely I wouldn’t be able to function when he ended it.

  “Uh-huh. And you came to this conclusion yesterday?” His voice was mild, but the look on his face wasn’t. It made my stomach roll. Good thing I hadn’t eaten at all today.

  “Sort of. I mean, it’s always been in the back of my mind. You knew you were here temporarily, so why do you seem so surprised that I was prepared for this?”

  “Because I thought, maybe, that things had changed between us the past couple of weeks. Because I thought you’d opened your heart and were finally starting to see what’s really here. But you never did, did you? You just ignored it and hoped it would go away, and now you have your out.”

  My temper flared. “Do you think I want an out? Do you think it’s not killing me to sit here and not touch you? Do you think I got wasted because I didn’t care? I care too fucking much, Josh, but it doesn’t matter.”

  “Of course it matters. It all matters. I’ve made it pretty clear I’m crazy about you. Did you think I was just going to run to New York and forget you?” He was pacing, as much as he could in this small space.

  “No. That’s not the kind of guy you are. You’ll try. You’ll call, e-mail, and text. You’ll say all the sweet things you always say, and I’ll miss you so much it hurts.” He stopped moving and looked like he was about to say something, but I shook my head. “Then the calls and e-mails will taper off until one day you’ll admit that you met someone, and you’re sorry but you can’t do it anymore.”

  He laughed an angry laugh. “Jesus, Nic, how long have you had my exit strategy mapped out for me? Can you write it down? It would make my life a little easier.”

  “Don’t get sarcastic. I know how it goes.”

  “No, you don’t. All you know is that you’re scared of what you feel for me, and it’s easier for you to think about all the ways we can end rather than face the idea of us being tog
ether.”

  “How can we be together if you’re in New York?”

  “Who said I was going to New York? You? If you’d bothered to talk to me last night, you’d know I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But you have to!”

  “Why? So you can dump me and not have to see me ever again? Fuck that, Nicole. If you want to end this, you’ll have to deal with the fallout face-to-face.”

  I rubbed my temples. “Did you or did you not get promoted?”

  “Yes, I did.” He was glaring at me. “And I told them I wanted to relocate to Chicago. The new position will require even more travel, and the deal with Starfire will have me going to San Francisco frequently. Being here would have me more centrally located, cut off a couple of hours of flight time and, of course, there’s you. At least, I’d hoped so.”

  Why wasn’t anything going like it was supposed to? I couldn’t even get our breakup right. How could I be in a relationship? “But don’t you have to be in New York for the promotion?”

  “That’s what they wanted. That’s not what I wanted. I made it clear that either they’d relocate me, or they’d lose me. They don’t need me to manage the sales staff. We have someone for that. They need me to do what I already do, which is find business and get contracts signed. I can do that anywhere.”

  “You’re not leaving?” I felt dizzy, like I going to be sick. That would be a lovely way to cap our fight, with me puking all over my desk.

  “No. So what excuse do you have for ending it now?”

  “I . . . I don’t want to end this.”

  “Don’t you? Aren’t you already coming up with new scenarios in which we break up and can’t work together anymore? Would I run to New York then? Would you be stuck seeing me whenever Ryan and Jen had some kind of get-together? Wouldn’t that be horrible?” He was full-on ranting and if we didn’t watch it, someone would hear us and come in to see what was wrong.

  “Josh, damn it, I’m not thinking any of that.” I wasn’t capable of thinking. Everything was whirling around in my head too fast to focus on a single thought.

  “You’re not? Are you absolutely sure? Because I really thought we’d turned a corner, but it seems you’ve always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I won’t put up with that, Nicole. I can’t deal with you always looking for a way out. Do you think you’d be the only one crushed if we broke up? Actually, I don’t know if you’d be bothered. Maybe you’d be relieved.”

  “Are you serious? Do you see me right now? Do I look relieved?”

  He looked me over, and I hoped he could see into my head and my heart. “No. But you do look scared, and that’s on me. I’ve let us coast. I’ve bitten my tongue and kept from saying what I needed to because I was afraid of scaring you off. But it seems like you’ll be scared no matter what I do, so I’m not waiting anymore.”

  He hit some keys on his keyboard and the printer fired up. He plucked the page it printed, pushed my keyboard aside, and sat right in front of me. So close. I wanted to touch him. Maybe now that I knew he wasn’t leaving, I could again.

  “I’ve already told you how much I wanted you from the first moment I saw you, and while that’s true, I haven’t told you everything.” His lips curled up as he looked at the paper he held in his hands. “The first thing I saw was the back of your head, and I thought you had beautiful hair. Then I headed your way and stopped behind you. Of course, you didn’t hear me.”

  “I never hear you. You’re like a ninja,” I muttered. But I had to smile. He seemed lighter. Maybe I hadn’t ruined everything. Again.

  “It serves me well, especially where you’re concerned. You were writing an e-mail, do you remember that?”

  I remembered being bored that day because I’d finished my project and—oh my God. The e-mail to Jen about how BOB was better than a boyfriend. “Please tell me you didn’t see that.”

  He chuckled. “I could tell you that, but I’d be lying, and that’s one thing I’ll never do to you. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what BOB was, but I got the general gist.”

  I was going to die. He’d known all along that I was a weirdo sex freak? I stared at the paper in his hand in horror. “That’s not it, is it? How did you get that?”

  “I called in a favor to Jen.” I would kill her. Ryan would have to arrest me, but it would be worth it. “Don’t you go getting pissed off at her. She had a good reason for letting me see it. I’m very persuasive, and I needed the list so I could prove you wrong.”

  “Prove me wrong how?” If I dumped her in Lake Michigan, they’d never find her. She’d pay for her betrayal.

  “Let’s take a look, shall we?” I stood and tried to grab the paper from him, but he held it over my head. Stupid, tall bastard. “If you take this, I can just print another copy. Are you going to behave?” At least one of us was having fun.

  “This isn’t fair. I’m hung over, and now I’m humiliated.”

  “You deserve a little humiliation for what you just put me through.”

  He was right. I dropped my hand in defeat. “I’m sorry I assumed the worst.”

  “Well, maybe you won’t when we’re done here. Now listen.” I sighed and sat back down. He was going to do it. We may as well get it over with. “ ‘Number one reason BOB is better than a boyfriend: He hits the right spot, accurately, each and every time.’ ” He tilted his head and smiled at me. “I haven’t heard any complaints from you on that one, so I’m going to assume BOB and I are tied there.”

  “Fine. You win. You’re way better than BOB. We don’t have to read any more.” I was desperate to stop him. I couldn’t remember what I’d written, but I knew it was embarrassing as hell.

  “No, we’re tied right now. I must read on.” He was laughing and having a mighty fine time, now. I wasn’t sure why I would have missed him if he’d gone to New York. He was an ass. A fine ass, but an ass all the same. “ ‘Number two: He is always ready to go. If his battery is low, a quick change can equal hours of fun. A real boyfriend requires rest and recuperation.’ ” Josh thought about that for a second. “I think I’ve given you hours of fun. Yes, some rest and recuperation was required, but you needed it, too. I doubt BOB leaves your body spent and sweaty like I do.”

  “I already admitted you win.”

  “No, still a tie, I’d say. Moving on.” I wondered if I could punch him, steal the paper, and run to his desk to delete the e-mail before he recovered. Not likely, especially when I felt like crap. I’d be more likely to fall on the floor, and Josh would just laugh at me some more while humiliating me. “I’ll paraphrase for the sake of brevity.” Pompous ass. “Number three: No talking or cuddling required afterward. Well, I guess he has me on this one, because I do like holding you and talking to you. I’m pretty sure you like it as well.”

  “You already know I do.”

  “Hmm, I guess that’s another tie, then. I would say I was ahead there, but it’s your list and we’ll go with your exact wording. Number four: When you’re not in the mood, he sits quietly in the drawer and doesn’t bother you. I can’t say you’ve ever not been in the mood, a fact for which I’m eminently grateful, but if that were ever the case, I wouldn’t bother you about it.”

  He wouldn’t. He was a considerate asshole. Except when he was embarrassing me by reading a private e-mail that was not meant for his eyes.

  “Number five.” He looked at me. “Don’t worry, there are only four more.” Only? “When you’re in the mood, he’s right there to fulfill your needs, not out with the guys or running errands for his mother. Well, I don’t run errands for my mom, but I might occasionally go out when the mood strikes. Of course, if you’d let me know you were in the mood, I’d come running, because I’m willing to sacrifice like that, but I’ll give BOB credit on that one. I guess he’s ahead by one.”

  “He’s not ahead.” I was feeling lightheaded thinking of Josh running home to fulfill my needs.

  “Hmm, well, I’m just going by what’s on the paper.” He was grinnin
g. I poked his thigh, and he caught my hand and entwined our fingers together. “Number six is about size. He’s not too small, not too big, but if he was, you could replace him with a new model. While that’s true, I really haven’t heard you complain. Am I too small? Too big?”

  “What if you were too small?” He wasn’t, not even close, but still. He was embarrassing me, I could embarrass him.

  “I’ve seen BOB. I’m not too small.” Damn it. I knew he’d seen inside my drawer.

  “Fine.”

  He laughed. “Just a few more. It’s getting interesting now.” Oh, yeah. Real interesting. “Number seven: He doesn’t have to lie to get you into bed. Have I lied to you at all?”

  “Not that I know of. Except about having access to this e-mail.”

  He shook his head. “You never asked about that, so no lie there. He’s still up by one. ‘Number eight: He doesn’t care if I look like shit. He performs regardless of attraction to me.’ ” He focused on me like a laser beam. “I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. I thought that when you were dressed up that first day I met you, when you wore a T-shirt and a baseball cap to the ball game, when we woke up the morning after we made love for the first time, and right now when you’re pale and hung over. I don’t think attraction between us is ever going to be a problem.”

  I could feel my cheeks heating up. “Josh.”

  He squeezed my hand. “One more, and it’s the big one. You got cut off, probably by me, but I think it’s pretty clear what you were going to say.” My heart was pounding. I had a feeling I knew what was coming. “ ‘Number nine: He doesn’t say he loves me and . . .’ Well, that’s where it ends. What were you going to say there, Nicole?”

  I shook my head.

  “Come on. You’ve made it through this far. Tell me what you were going to say.”

  “Walk away,” I whispered. I took a breath and cleared my throat. “He doesn’t say he loves me and then walk away.”