The New Rakes

by Nikki Magennis

  Kara shook her head. ‘It’s not like that –’ she started.

  ‘No?’ Tam cut in. ‘You’re not that greedy? Not so selfish you’d crash your way to the top of the heap without giving a fuck whose heart you broke or who you left behind?’

  His words were harsh, but he was calm. Almost as though he’d been expecting her to cut loose and run, Kara thought.

  ‘Admit it, you’d screw over your best friend if it meant you got a taste of the limelight,’ Tam continued, flicking the bottle cap towards the sink. Kara frowned. Something wasn’t quite right about his speech. While Tam had a lot to criticise her for, he couldn’t bleat about her trashing a friendship that had never really existed.

  ‘Tam, we were never great friends,’ she said. ‘We fuck, we make music, we have a laugh. But you’re not what I would call my best buddy.’

  ‘I don’t mean me,’ Tam said.

  ‘Then what are you talking about?’

  His face looked almost sad, she thought. As though he knew his answer was going to hurt her more than he wanted it to. He looked down, slowly peeling the label off his beer bottle and speaking in a low voice. He sighed. ‘Have you spoken to Ruby lately?’

  It had been three days since she was home. In a way, the flat she shared with Ruby didn’t even feel like it deserved the name any more. Not when there was a chance World War Three might break out as soon as she showed her face.

  Kara stood outside looking up at her bedroom window. It was dark, but a light was burning in the living room and she could hear Ruby’s music even from three storeys down. Leonard Cohen, wailing for mercy.

  Not a good sign.

  Tam was right. There were things she had to fix, even if it meant swallowing her pride. She climbed the stairs to the front door and slid her key into the lock, turning it with a resentful jerk. It didn’t catch. She rattled it in the lock, but nothing happened. She swore to herself. Had Ruby changed the locks? Already?

  She ran down the steps and walked backwards into the middle of the street, leaning back to watch for movement behind the blinds. As she lifted her chin up towards the sky a few prickles fell on her face, speckling her cheeks and eyelashes with cold moisture. The rain was starting. It was spitting now, but in the Glasgow winter a downpour was likely any minute.

  If Ruby didn’t let her in, where would she sleep? God knows what Mike would say if she turned up soaking wet at his flat. She’d run out on him in the studio, and he wasn’t likely to welcome her. Tam had offered her his single bare mattress and she’d run from him as well. This is the last-chance saloon, Kara said to herself. With her hand shoved deep in her pocket, she crossed her fingers.

  ‘Ruby, I hope you’re in a good mood.’

  19

  ‘YOU CAN PACK your stuff and get the fuck out.’

  Ruby glared at Kara. There were sooty rings around her eyes and black smears on her cheeks and she was clutching a handful of crumpled tissues. Behind her, on the living-room stereo, Leonard chanted ‘There are no diamonds in the mine’ at top volume.

  ‘Ruby, can you give me a minute –’

  ‘To what? Apologise to me for dropping me from the band? Or for having my boyfriend’s face in your crotch? Did you think we could have a laugh over it, or did you want to compare notes?’ Ruby had to raise her voice over the music.

  She turned round and kicked the stereo, sending the needle skidding over the record and making a horrible tearing noise. Leonard stopped singing and the two girls stood in a silence that warped nastily.

  ‘You need to listen to me,’ Kara said at last. ‘Everything is all fucked up, but it’s not what you think it is.’

  ‘Oh no. Everything’s just peachy.’

  ‘How long have we known each other, Rube? That must count for something.’

  ‘Apparently not.’

  ‘OK.’ Kara walked across the room to the cupboard in the corner. It was stuffed to overflowing with assorted junk – broken drumsticks, old tapes, paint tins. Kara stretched up to the top shelf and felt around for a moment. She grabbed a large dark bottle and pulled it down, turning it so that Ruby could read the label.

  ‘Remember this?’

  A flicker of recognition showed in Ruby’s eyes. She sighed. ‘How ironic. The special fizz.’

  Kara nodded, brushing dust off the label. ‘For when we hit number one, remember?’

  ‘It was a joke anyway. We might as well pour it down the sink.’

  Kara went to the kitchen and returned with a couple of empty teacups. She pulled up a rickety chair and held the bottle between her knees, twisting the wire cage off the neck. Ruby watched without speaking, her face grim and pale.

  Kara pushed the cork carefully with her thumbs, coaxing it out of the bottle. The pop sounded ridiculous in the silent room – a celebration that had died before it began. She poured a cupful and held it out.

  ‘Come on. Sit down.’

  Ruby stood with her hand on her hip, tapping out a silent tattoo with her fingers.

  ‘Please?’ Kara asked, hoping she didn’t sound completely pathetic.

  Ruby reached out slowly and took the cup. ‘You want to propose a toast?’ she said. ‘Or shall I just throw this in your face?’

  Kara held her cup cradled in her hands as though it was warm tea instead of cold fizz. She took a sip and watched Ruby. ‘We’ve known each other so long, Rube. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. It was just a –’ The wine tasted sharp and cold in her mouth. She swallowed and started again. ‘Me and Jon –’ At the sound of his name, the pain that darkened Ruby’s eyes made Kara wince.

  ‘Don’t,’ Ruby said, ‘you dare mention his name.’ She whirled round and flung her cup across the room, where it hit the wall with a dull clunk and cracked in half. A pale splash streaked over the wall and dripped onto the floor. Ruby looked at the wall as though she wanted to pull it down with her bare hands. ‘Jon is gone. History. Over.’

  Her shoulders sagged then and Kara saw her crumple as though she were about to collapse.

  ‘Ruby.’ Kara jumped up and ran to her, putting her arms round her and holding on tight while she cried. Ruby didn’t make any sound, but she shook hard and Kara was shocked at how small and fragile she felt.

  ‘This is crazy,’ Kara whispered into her hair. ‘Nothing happened, Rubes.’ She felt the other girl shudder. ‘I swear to you.’

  ‘Don’t lie to me,’ Ruby said, her voice low and bitter.

  Kara sighed. She took hold of Ruby’s wrists and pulled her back to look her friend straight in the face. ‘I thought about it. OK, for one moment the very wrong thoughts ran through my head.’

  ‘I saw the photos.’

  ‘You saw pictures that Lina had set up. She did it on purpose, Rube.’ Ruby struggled to free herself, but Kara held her fast. ‘Tell me what you saw,’ she demanded.

  ‘Fuck you. Take your hands off me.’

  ‘Not until you tell me what you saw in those pictures.’

  Ruby was breathing hard. Her lips were drained of colour and her cheeks flushed a mottled red. She looked like she had a fever. ‘I saw Jon with his face in your lap.’

  Kara nodded. ‘Yeah. They posed us like that.’

  ‘His mouth was on you.’ Ruby’s voice was tight, as though she was being strangled. ‘And you were holding his hair.’

  Kara closed her eyes and swallowed.

  ‘You were enjoying it,’ Ruby continued. ‘I could see it in your face.’

  ‘Just a kiss,’ Kara whispered. ‘One stupid kiss.’

  She dropped Ruby’s hands and walked to the window. Outside the rain was falling steadily, wetting the streets and making them shine. The city was beautiful in the rain, Kara thought. Shame nobody ventured out to see it.

  ‘So hate me,’ she said eventually. ‘OK. That’s understandable. But don’t punish Jon. He doesn’t deserve that.’

  ‘After he gave my best friend’s pussy “one stupid kiss”?’ Ruby spat the question out.

  ‘He loves
you.’

  Behind her, Ruby was silent.

  ‘Don’t throw away what you’ve got,’ Kara said quietly. ‘Call him.’

  As soon as she spoke she thought of Tam. She’d left him standing in his kitchen, eyes as black as tar and an atmosphere in the room that made her ache all over. What if she had stayed? What if she’d let him say the words that had been hovering on his lips?

  ‘Oh God. Is it worth it?’ she asked out loud, almost to herself.

  Behind her, Ruby laughed softly. ‘I miss him so much it makes me feel sick,’ she said. ‘I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate on anything and the only person who could make it better is the one that hurt me in the first place.’

  ‘I’ll take that as a “maybe”,’ Kara said with a faint smile.

  By 1 a.m., they’d finished the champagne. Ruby had pulled out her old indie records and they sat listening to Belle and Sebastian while they watched the rain.

  ‘Looks like we’re staying up all night then,’ Ruby said, hugging the blanket that she had wrapped round her shoulders.

  ‘Yeah, just a few hours till morning.’

  ‘I don’t think I want to see it.’

  ‘Brand new day,’ Kara said, pulling a face. ‘We’ll fix everything.’ She waved her empty teacup at Ruby. ‘And live happy ever after.’

  Ruby raised an eyebrow. ‘Right. Your big gig.’

  ‘Yes. The mother of all concerts. Launch party.’ She leaned back and closed her eyes. ‘And the papers and the important people and the money.’ She waved her hand vaguely.

  ‘You’re not making any sense.’

  ‘Funny.’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘That’s what Tam said. And then he kissed me. Hmm.’ Kara frowned. Her hand moved slowly to her mouth and she pinched her lips between her fingers.

  ‘OK,’ Ruby said, ‘I have a proposal.’

  ‘What is it?’ Kara was feeling drowsy, lulled into an exhausted reverie by the music and the wine and the familiar surroundings of her flat.

  ‘I’ll call Jon,’ Ruby said, ‘if you sort it out with Tam.’

  Kara opened one eye and peered at Ruby. ‘There’s nothing to sort out,’ she said sharply.

  ‘Apart from the fact you’re in love with each other and won’t admit it?’

  ‘What?’

  Ruby shook her head. ‘Oh, don’t try to deny it.’

  ‘It’s good sex that’s all.’

  Ruby smiled. ‘Sure. And you have good sex with plenty of people.’

  ‘Yes.’ Kara shrugged.

  ‘And Tam’s nothing special.’

  ‘I don’t –’ Kara stopped. For a moment her mouth hung open but no words came out. She shook her head. ‘We fight. All the time.’

  Ruby played with the fringe of the blanket, pulling the threads straight against her knee. ‘You’re scared.’

  ‘What would I be scared of?’

  ‘That you might love him so much. That it might end up hurting.’ Ruby looked closely at Kara. ‘Like it is for me now.’

  ‘Oh God! I know you’re upset. So fix it! All you have to do is pick up the phone. He’ll be here in ten minutes, Ruby.’

  ‘Don’t change the subject.’

  Kara stood up and walked stiffly to the phone, pulled it up to Ruby and handed it over. ‘Call him.’

  Ruby stared at the receiver for a long moment, as if she was scared it was a dog that might bite her.

  ‘Call him,’ Kara repeated.

  Ruby scowled and snatched the phone out of Kara’s hands. She punched in a number and closed her eyes while she waited for him to answer. Kara noticed she was holding the receiver so tightly her knuckles were white.

  Jon was there within an hour. When he knocked, Kara opened the front door with a limp smile. She knew Ruby was watching them both closely. Anything she said might be interpreted the wrong way.

  ‘It’s late,’ she said, clumsily, ‘I’m going to, uh, go to bed.’

  Ruby barely glanced at her as she withdrew into her room, just off the living room, and closed the door.

  She leaned against the door and looked at her bed, unmade and unslept in for days. After all the hours in the studio, the scenes in Mike’s house and Tam’s kitchen, her room looked very small and very empty. Somebody in the next room walked across the room and Kara listened to the footsteps and the floorboards creaking. She heard Jon’s voice, low and broken, his words hard to make out.

  Shaking herself, she walked to her bed and started to undress. As she dropped her clothes on the floor, stepping out of her skirt and pulling at the buttons on her shirt, she heard Ruby, her voice rising louder and breaking off. Kara bit her lip.

  She slid under the covers, shivering as the cold sheets touched her body. They were arguing now, Jon and Ruby’s voices alternating through the door. Kara closed her eyes and pulled the pillow over her head, hoping the storm would pass soon.

  It didn’t work. Their raised voices reached her even through the pillow. What made it worse was when she heard her own name among the angry stream of words. Kara groaned. She’d have to be in the studio in a few hours. Another day of high-octane games with Mike and Lina, another day of singing her hardest and running on empty. It was like balancing on tight ropes, only the ropes kept swinging and twisting underfoot.

  Don’t look down, Kara told herself.

  She gritted her teeth. She needed one thing to hold on to if she was going to get through the next day and the concert afterwards. The concert. She had to perform, tomorrow, in the biggest deal of her life. A thousand people. Her thoughts flailed about, mixing in with the sounds of Jon and Ruby ripping each other to pieces in the next room. She had no time. What if she fucked everything up?

  Her feet slipped on the wire and she felt the great seething gap of empty air underneath her. Willing herself to concentrate, Kara recited song lyrics into her pillow:

  ‘In the morning we’re going to scream blue murder …’

  Tam. The song led her straight to him. The lines of his body, the way he curved over his guitar so intently. Just as he’d held on to her earlier that evening. All his attention focused on her, his eyes wide and dark.

  When she remembered Tam’s words the buzzing noise in her head grew so loud she couldn’t think any more. In the next room Ruby shouted and furniture scraped across the floor. If they loved each other so much, why were they trying to rip it all to shreds? Jon and Ruby were golden. The two of them were always entwined, holding hands, practically joined at the hip. Onstage, they threw little glances at each other, secret smiles that nobody else understood. They played off each other. Made each other stronger. It wasn’t right that they would break up. It didn’t make any sense.

  Could something that solid and certain really be torn apart so easily? One momentary slip, a meaningless mistake. And more Kara’s fault than Jon’s. She tried to burrow deeper into the bed.

  Add it to the list, she thought. Just one more fuck-up in a week of bad judgements. She’d been so badly wrong. She’d let so many people down. And it was quite possible she’d crushed Tam’s heart because she couldn’t handle her own fears.

  Outside there was a crash – an explosion that sounded like glass shattering against the wall. Instinctively, Kara jerked upright, her frayed nerves pushed to breaking point. As she listened to Ruby cry, sobs jerking out of her like a stuck record, something snapped. Kara got up, wrapped herself in the sheet and walked to the door.

  Jon and Ruby turned at the sound of the door opening. Tear-stained and angry and hurting, they both looked wrecked. Just like I feel, Kara thought.

  ‘This is insane,’ she said. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘Stay out of it,’ Jon said, his usually soft voice harsh and bitter. ‘You’re not going to help.’

  ‘Because it was my fault in the first place,’ Kara said. She turned to Ruby. ‘Your boyfriend is a beautiful man. He’s sweet and quirky and talented. Yes, I did want him for a moment. I wanted to fuck him.’ She pulled the sheet tighter
around herself, gripping it hard. Ruby’s expression was so cool it was unreadable. She took a deep breath. ‘You’re not the only one who wants him and you never will be. Didn’t you ever notice the girls hanging round after gigs?’ Kara gave a grim smile. ‘I don’t suppose you did. Because the two of you were so wrapped up in each other. For God’s sake, so much in love.’

  Ruby let out a long breath. ‘It’s not that simple, Kara.’ She looked straight at her old friend. ‘If you’d ever let yourself fall for someone you might understand that.’

  Kara shivered. The room was cold and the first glimmer of dawn was already seeping through the blinds. Standing there wrapped in her sheet, exhausted and strung out with the wreckage of her friendships around her, she almost laughed.

  ‘Maybe I have fallen for someone,’ she murmured.

  ‘It means more than just having good sex,’ Ruby added spitefully.

  ‘Yes.’ Kara nodded. ‘It means more.’ She looked at the starburst stain on the wall from Ruby’s earlier breakage and the smashed bottle lying on the floor in pieces. Her gaze caught on the ancient record player sitting nearby. It had taken a direct hit and the needle arm hung at an awkward angle. ‘Shit, Ruby. We were going to play our first record on that,’ she said.

  ‘And then throw it out the window,’ Ruby agreed. ‘Like proper rock stars.’

  ‘That’s never going to happen,’ Jon said. ‘Probably won’t even release it on vinyl anyway.’

  Both girls turned to look at him.

  Ruby frowned. ‘Were you always this weird,’ she murmured, ‘or did I just not notice because the sex was good?’

  Jon’s eyes shifted uneasily, as though he wanted to smile but thought he might be walking into a trap.

  ‘What do you think, Kara?’ Ruby continued, keeping her eyes on Jon. ‘Is he worth it?’

  ‘I can’t answer that,’ Kara said.

  ‘But you had a taste,’ Ruby said quietly. ‘Wasn’t it to your liking?’

  ‘I told you,’ Kara said. ‘Jon’s a beautiful man.’