Disclosures - SF4

by Meagher, Susan X

  By the time late afternoon rolled around, they had seen every booth and said hello to most of the gay and lesbian population of the San Francisco Bay Area. Once again, Jamie was taken aback by the sheer number of people that her partner knew. "It still boggles my mind how you know all of these people and remember their names," she said as they walked toward one of the dance floors.

  "Well, I am pretty good with names, Jamie, and I didn’t just meet most of these people once or twice. I worked at the largest gay gym in the whole Bay Area since I was 17, and tons of people belong there. I met lots more on the AIDS Rides, and got to know lots more through women that I dated. It all starts to add up."

  "Add to that a few thousand women who’ve known you in the biblical sense, and you get an even better picture," Jamie teased, sneaking her fingers just underneath Ryan’s ribs, a lethal spot.

  Ryan slung an arm around her partner’s shoulders and guided her towards the dance floor. A nice, slow number was playing and as they began to sway to the music, Ryan commented, "You know, I was worried about how you would be with the women I’ve ‘known’ before. You’ve actually surprised me quite a bit. You seemed jealous of them before we got together, but now you seem fine with it."

  "I really was jealous then," the smaller woman laughed, only slightly embarrassed by her behavior. "It’s just that I had all of these feelings for you, and I couldn’t express them or even think about them much. I think they came out as irrational jealousy."

  "And now?" Ryan’s deep voice burred against her ear as the taller woman leaned over and let the tip of her tongue caress the outer edge of her partner’s ear.

  "Huh?" Several moments had passed, and Jamie sensed it was her turn to talk, but she didn’t know about what.

  "And you are not jealous now…" Ryan prompted, taking a swipe at the tempting ear once again.

  "Honey," Jamie’s voice floated up to Ryan," if you want to have a conversation, you have to stop that."

  "Which would you rather have?" Ryan queried. "This…" another long swipe of her warm tongue, "or conversation?"

  "Ummm…can I get back to you on that?" Jamie’s somewhat breathless voice replied. "I’m concentrating on something right now." She craned her neck just enough to allow Ryan full access to her other ear. "Continue," she commanded, while sliding her arms around Ryan’s trim waist, holding her close.

  Jamie lost track of how many dances they shared, but when they finally stopped they were both sweaty and tired. "You are so cute!" the smaller woman said as they left the dance floor to grab a beer.

  "Why am I so cute today?" Ryan grinned in reply.

  "You’re cute every day, Goofy. But it’s adorable how you turned down all of those women who wanted to dance with you."

  "Hey, I said nothing but the truth," Ryan insisted.

  "You told every woman that you had promised the next dance to your spouse," she teased, recalling that Ryan used the same line every time.

  "And that’s the truth," Ryan repeated, her blue eyes darkening as she grew serious. She turned to face Jamie, holding her hands up to her lips, where she kissed each one reverently. "Every dance, for the rest of my life, is promised to my beloved spouse."

  While they enjoyed a cold beer, they relaxed in the grass to listen to the music from the main stage. It didn’t take long for the events of the day to catch up with both of them and in no time they were sound asleep, curled up together like newborn pups.

  Their impromptu nap lasted almost an hour, but they were both relatively refreshed when they woke. "Ready to head home, Love?" Ryan asked.

  "Yeah." Jamie stretched and yawned for several moments, getting all of the kinks out. "I guess we’d better. It’s a long walk from Muni."

  "I think I’ll page Conor from the station and see if he’ll meet us. I’m beat!"

  "Thank God for large families," Jamie agreed wholeheartedly. "There’s almost always someone at home!"

  Conor immediately agreed to fetch them, giving his sister pause. "That’s odd," she muttered when she returned to the station platform. "He didn’t make me promise to do anything to pay him back. I usually have to at least wash his car for a ride somewhere."

  "Maybe he’s being particularly nice because it’s Gay Pride Day," Jamie suggested.

  "Yeah…that sounds like him," Ryan agreed with a good bit of sarcasm in her voice.

  Muni was exceptionally crowded for a Sunday afternoon, but a train arrived after just a short wait on the cool, damp subway platform. The closest stop to the O’Flaherty home was Castro, but Ryan knew it would be a madhouse in the neighborhood, so she suggested that Conor pick them up at the stop just prior to that. They weren’t able to find seats together, forced to claim aisle seats, one in front of the other. Jamie was still buzzing from the energy and excitement of the day, and she continually perched on the edge of her seat, leaning close to speak into Ryan’s ear.

  Ryan was quite a bit calmer than her partner, having experienced the parade and festival many times, but she recalled how she felt the first time she participated in the event, and she happily shared in Jamie’s enthusiasm.

  Unconsciously, the smaller woman played with Ryan’s dark hair, pulling stray locks from the collar of her T-shirt as she kept up her running commentary on the day. Her actions were more nervous habit than sensual, but she couldn’t stand even the foot of separation between them, and the gentle caresses helped calm her.

  Ryan, as usual, soaked up the touch greedily. Her eyes fluttered closed as her head dropped onto the plastic handrail on her seat back, allowing Jamie greater access.

  Even though her partner didn’t verbally respond much, Jamie kept up her rambling chat, covering many of the sights and events that had captured her imagination throughout the day. Looking around, the smaller woman commented, "It’s so odd to see so many gay people on the train, isn’t it honey?"

  "Umm-hmm," Ryan responded lazily, silently hoping for the delightful head scratching to continue. "S’nice."

  "I think you’re placating me, my sweet," the masseuse giggled, leaning in just a few inches to place a very gentle kiss onto the crown of Ryan’s head. She added a few more scalp scratches, then sat back into her own seat, looking around the crowded car some more. Several same-sex couples were holding hands or snuggling a bit, and a few leather-clad men were striking poses as they held on to the overhead rail. As her eyes trailed past a young mother with a four-or five-year-old girl on her lap, she was shocked to get in return the most hate-filled look she had ever received. Her mouth dropped open and her stomach flipped queasily as she made, and held, eye contact with the young woman. The woman looked to be about her own age, and she gave no clear indication that she was a tourist, but there was something about her that gave the impression that she was not a native of the city. Her style of dress was more conservative than most young San Franciscans, and behind her venomous glare Jamie detected a stark fear of…her. She’s afraid of us!! Her mind reeled from the combination of blatant hostility and obvious fright that covered the young woman’s face, twisting her plain, but attractive, face into a gruesome mask.

  Their gaze only held for a moment before the woman shifted her daughter so that the child faced the window, obviously trying to protect the girl from…whatever it was that was disturbing her so profoundly.

  They were nearing their stop, and Ryan snapped out of her haze to struggle to her feet, casually sticking her hand out to grab Jamie’s. For the first time in their short union, the blonde felt a flash of embarrassment at accepting the nearly-automatic gesture, and she just gave Ryan a quick pat to let her know she was behind her.

  The woman had obviously been trying to banish her fear, and she was plainly successful, for as they passed she looked up at Jamie and spoke in a clear voice. "Godless heathen! Repent before you are damned for all eternity!"

  The train was coming to a stop as the words left her mouth, but Ryan heard them, and she whirled to face the woman, catching a glimpse of Jamie’s wounded look. "What did you
say?" she spat out, freezing the woman with one fierce look. Jamie pushed past and grabbed Ryan’s upper arm firmly, tugging her towards the door as a few other people struggled to exit.

  Ryan flicked her gaze from Jamie to the now-terrified woman several times, softening her features when she saw the pleading look in her lover’s eyes. Immediately deciding where her priorities lay, she followed her partner out the door, not bothering to engage in a battle of wits with a narrow-minded homophobe.

  Ryan tugged Jamie onto a bench on the cool, acrid-smelling subway platform. "What happened?" she asked gently.

  The words came out in a rush. "She was staring at me, because…because I was touching your h…h…hair." The smaller woman shook her head roughly, trying to make sense of the encounter. "I’ve never, ever had anyone look at me with so much hate in their eyes, Ryan."

  Ryan’s heart clutched in her chest at the injured, fragile green eyes that looked up at her. Her eyes fluttered closed with the memory of the first time she had been treated with the same venom, all because she had the temerity to love a woman. "I would do anything," she whispered, her voice sounding strangely loud on the near-silent platform, "anything to spare you from that type of intolerance." Her broad shoulders slumped in defeat as she admitted the truth. "But I can’t, Jamie. God, I wish I could, but I can’t." Her head dropped onto Jamie’s shoulder, and they held each other tenderly for a moment, until they heard footsteps scampering down the stairs. They broke their embrace, neither up to another encounter at the moment. Slowly, they walked to the escalator, standing close enough to brush shoulders, but not holding hands in their usual manner.

  Conor was waiting patiently in the truck, and with a conspiratorial glance, the women silently agreed not to mention the incident. Caitlin was still in his care, but she was none too happy to be in her car seat. He was turned around in his seat, running through his normal tricks to calm her, but nothing was working. Jamie hopped in the front as Ryan opened the rear passenger door of the king-cab pickup and climbed in. The crying paused for one blessed moment, but resumed immediately. "What’s the problem?" Ryan asked, launching into her usual baby-pacifying repertoire.

  "She’s cranky and needs a nap," Conor said over the baby’s rising cries.

  "Why didn’t you say so?" Ryan asked. "You didn’t have to come pick us up."

  "Well…" he began, his blue eyes betraying an impish look. "I kinda have plans and I thought you could…"

  "Ohhhh…" Ryan scoffed, now understanding her brother’s willingness to fetch them. "The sooner I get home, the sooner you get to leave."

  "Umm…something like that," he admitted, flashing his most winning smile at his little sister.

  "Can the charm, boyo." Ryan returned his smile and flicked the back of his dark head. "We’ll all take a nap together."

  "Thanks, girls," Conor replied, adding another grin in Jamie’s direction, even though it wasn’t required.

  Minutes after they entered the house, all three women were stripped down to their Tshirts and underwear, settling down in the king-sized bed for a nap. Ryan knew they needed to have a little discussion about the encounter on the subway, but she thought they would both be more lucid after a nap. Jamie didn’t bring the subject up either and, in fact, was barely speaking at all. Ryan climbed into the middle of the bed, with Jamie on her left and Caitlin on her right, tucking a long arm under each blonde head. Her nap-mates immediately cuddled up to her sides, enveloping her with the warm comfort of their tender embraces. This is what matters, Ryan mused as her eyelids grew heavy. This is all that really matters. Having this love is worth any amount of bullshit we have to put up with.

  Part 3

  The shrill ringing of the phone woke Ryan from a perfectly lovely dream. She reached out blindly and inadvertently woke her tiny blonde companion, who greeted the affront with an equally shrill cry. Jamie also sat bolt-upright, and for a brief moment Ryan felt like joining in on Caitlin’s plaintive cry. "This is soooo not how I wanted to wake up," she grumbled, grabbing the offending telephone. "H’lo," her ragged voice croaked.

  "Ryan?" came the deep voice on the other end.

  "Oh, hi, Tommy," she yawned.

  "Is Cait being ornery?" he asked somewhat sheepishly.

  "Nah…we were all asleep and the phone woke her." Ryan smiled up at Jamie, who had scrambled out of the tangle of sheets to pick up the still-squawking baby.

  "Jeez, I’m sorry, Buddy," Tommy murmured, using one of his many nicknames for his cousin. "I just called because Annie’s home, and we wanted to come get the baby so we could have dinner together."

  "No prob," she muttered, tossing her long legs off the bed to stand up. She was unable to resist her compulsion to stretch, and did so from the vertical position, much to Jamie’s amusement. She felt short fingernails scratch her back while she stretched, and as she leaned into the contact, she nearly hung up without saying goodbye.

  "Ryan?" Tommy’s voice held a note of amusement also, and Ryan knew that his hazel eyes were likely dancing impishly. "You okay?"

  She forced herself to swallow the pleasured groan that was about to escape, and tried to concentrate. "Fine…just fine," she drawled. "Jamie’s just helping me wake up."

  "I’m not gonna have to deprogram Caitlin, am I?" he chuckled.

  "Nothing she hasn’t seen before," Ryan assured him. "All "G" rated." The baby was now calm, and she struggled a bit to go to Ryan. "Talk to Jamie," she said, handing the phone to her partner as she accepted the baby.

  "Hi, Tommy," the slightly hesitant voice began.

  "Hey, Jamie. Good to have you guys home again. Wanna join us for dinner since Martin’s working?"

  "Sure," she said immediately, not even bothering to check with Ryan. She was confident that her partner would never turn down the opportunity to spend some time with the Driscolls. "We’ll get dressed…I mean we’ll um…put our pants back….I mean…" She was blushing furiously, but Tommy rescued her immediately.

  "I take Caitlin into the shower with me, Jamie. If that hasn’t scared her to death, seeing you two half-dressed won’t scar her, either."

  "Good point," she mumbled, feeling relieved but still slightly embarrassed. "We’ll be over in a few."

  "See ya then," he called out in his deep baritone. "Don’t forget your pants."

  "This level of openness is gonna take some getting used to," she muttered, dropping the phone in the cradle and flopping onto the bed.

  A little after six, the threesome started off for the walk to Caitlin’s home. The Driscolls, like the rest of the family, lived in the Noe Valley. Their small rented house was on the edge of the business district running along 24th Street, while the O’Flaherty brothers and Maeve lived in Upper Noe and enjoyed the very hilly terrain of the area nearer to Castro. Conor had not bothered to bring the baby’s stroller, and the car seat was still in the truck, so Ryan placed Caitlin on her shoulders for the six-block walk.

  Jamie smiled at the pair as they made their way down the steep pitch of Noe St. "You look like one of those mules in the Grand Canyon," the larger blonde commented. Ryan was walking carefully, her natural gait greatly slowed—almost ambling with the baby astride her shoulders.

  "Brrrrrrhhhhh," the lanky pseudo-donkey replied as she shook her head playfully. Caitlin, of course, loved this sound, and she jumped and slapped at Ryan’s head to get her to repeat it. It didn’t take long for Ryan to get into the game and begin acting more like a frisky filly than a donkey, and Caitlin could not get enough of the fun. They cantered a few dozen yards, then galloped back up the hill, to the delighted laughter of both rider and pony. Jamie urged them on, cheering for them both until the pony was gasping for breath.

  "No more," Ryan cried, bending over at the waist to gasp for air. Jamie pulled Caitlin off and settled her on her own shoulders, mentally preparing herself for a more casual hairdo than she currently wore.

  When Ryan was rested they took off again, with Caitlin only slightly dissatisfied with her new, slower moun
t. Ryan slipped her hand around Jamie’s, giving it a gentle squeeze, but she felt just the slightest hesitation from her partner. "Wanna talk about it?" Her voice was slow and calm, and Jamie knew that the invitation could be declined without bothering Ryan.

  "I suppose." Her voice betrayed her lack of enthusiasm, but Ryan moved forward anyway.

  "It’s a pretty bad feeling, isn’t it?" Empathetic blue eyes met and held Jamie’s gaze.

  A small head nod was the reply. "It just caught me by surprise, I guess. That was the first time I’ve ever felt judged like that."

  Ryan’s brow furrowed at that declaration. "What about that time we went to the Hillsborough Tea Room? You were treated pretty shitty there."

  The blonde shook her head as well as she could with Caitlin’s chubby fingers threaded through the golden strands. "No, Honey. You were treated shitty. I was just an observer."

  Ryan considered this for a moment, then the light dawned. "Ohh…you didn’t identify with being gay, so you didn’t feel like you were being criticized."

  "Riiight. I was outraged by how we were treated—but I was outraged for you. The woman today was talking to me…about me."

  "Gotcha," Ryan mumbled, understanding that the difference was critical. "What about Cassie? Didn’t you feel judged by her?"

  Blonde brows knit together for a moment. "No…not really. I know her pretty well, and she isn’t really anti-gay."

  Ryan’s mouth gaped at this revelation. "She sure coulda fooled me!"

  "No, really, Honey. I think she suspected something between us from the beginning, and she was convinced that you were trying to turn me into something I’m not. I’ll admit that it was misguided and narrow-minded, but she has gay and lesbian friends, and she treats them well. I think she just hated you."

  "Oh…well…that’s understandable." Ryan was wearing one of her adorable goofy grins, and Jamie couldn’t help but give her a pinch.

  "No, it’s not!" she decreed. "I never want to see her again, to tell you the truth, but I still maintain that she’s not really homophobic."