The Confirmation

by L G Dickson

  She wondered about surprising him, by turning up and making dinner, so allowing him to get on with his work or perhaps going round early and cooking breakfast so he would be ready for whatever the Scottish Office had to throw at him. Who am I kidding? she thought. Turning up unannounced is all about my insecurity and absolutely nothing at all to do with his welfare.

  So Annie did nothing. She let James be and focused on preparing her client’s case for prosecution. By the end of the week she’d heard nothing. Trudging back down to the flat after a gruelling Friday spent mostly at the Sheriff Court and with little to eat, a wave of nausea overcame her. She stopped and held onto the railings that curled round into the Terrace. Passers-by glanced at her but marched hurriedly on. People don’t really want to take on anyone else’s problems unless there is a real physical emergency, Annie thought, knowing she would have scurried past in similar circumstances. Her legs felt like jelly but she managed to compose herself. Stop thinking the absolute worst, she thought, and found her way to the front door. Once inside she made a cup of tea, chucked in a spoonful of sugar just in case that was the problem and sat at the kitchen table, head in hands, trying to piece together the events of the last week or so. Could he have been so disenchanted with the mother and daughter mini drama? Was the prospect of Christmas so overwhelming or had she pushed the whole Duncan thing too far and too quickly? Ludovic leapt up on the table and tried to nuzzle into her face. Normally he would have been told in no uncertain terms to get down but she had neither the energy nor desire to push him away.

  ‘You still love me, don’t you, boy?’ Woman and cat looked straight into each other’s eyes.

  Sometime later, Annie had changed into tracksuit bottoms and sweatshirt and lay curled up on the sofa, glass of wine in hand, Ludovic lying up against her.

  The phone rang.

  ‘Annie, it’s me. Look, sorry I haven’t been in touch.’

  Annie’s sense of relief was almost overwhelming.

  ‘It’s fine, you’re busy.’ She felt as though that sounded just a bit too perky and decided to take it down a notch or two. ‘I’m pretty snowed under myself. That theft case we’re prosecuting has been an absolute pain. Taking up much more time than I had scheduled with the client. So what have you been up to? Come round and tell me about it. It’s just me and the boy here, lounging on the sofa. By boy, I mean Ludo of course!’ No, that hadn’t worked. Still perky.

  ‘Yes, of course. That would be lovely but I’m heading up north for the weekend. All a bit last minute really but I’ll be in touch when I get back – promise. Sorry about all this, darling. I’m just not sure whether this thing’s going to get off the ground or not and I’ll know a lot more after this weekend. I know I’m being really vague here but this could be something really important – I just need to understand things a bit better and I can’t really do that from down here.’

  ‘What things?’ Annie could feel her relief turn into frustration. ‘Surely you can tell me something, James. It’s ridiculous just shutting yourself off like this – particularly if it’s something so important to you.’

  ‘Sorry, Annie – look that’s Graham here with the car. I really must rush. Just bear with me and I’ll call when I get back.’

  ‘Bear with you? That’s all I ever seem to do, James.’ And with that Annie hung up. ‘And who the hell is Graham?’ she shouted at the inanimate phone.

  *

  The next day Annie met the girls for teatime wine at the St Vincent. Duncan was on a weekend tour of the Borders with the cricket club and Gordon had gone along too.

  ‘Did Gordon really want to go on this tour thingy?’ Kirsty asked as she brought back the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and glasses from the bar.

  ‘I’m not so sure that he did actually.’ Virginia appeared bemused by the whole thing. ‘Duncan said something about needing a twelfth man but Gordon knows nothing about cricket so I don’t really understand myself. I think Duncan persuaded him by saying this twelfth man job doesn’t really amount to much other than bringing on water for the players.’

  ‘Bringing on water? More like the beers,’ shrieked Kirsty.

  ‘Oh well, I hope he’ll be okay.’ Virginia sounded slightly concerned.

  ‘I thought cricket was a summer sport. Can they play in this weather?’ Annie regretted questioning the premise of the ‘cricket tour’ almost as soon as the words were out.

  Kirsty carried on regardless. ‘As soon as I hear the words cricket or rugby tour, honestly, I just block the whole thing from my mind, Annie. Really don’t want to know. You’re best doing the same thing, Gin.’

  The colour drained from Virginia’s face.

  ‘So what’s James up to this weekend?’ Kirsty appeared impervious to Virginia’s feelings of angst. ‘Duncan asked him to go too but there was some story about work taking him away for the weekend. Don’t think Duncan believed him but when I think what these boys get up to I really wouldn’t blame him.’

  Annie thought Virginia might pass out.

  ‘I haven’t seen much of James this week. Don’t really know what’s going on with work just that he’s got some important project or something on the go.’ Annie knew she sounded a bit downcast.

  ‘Oh dear. Don’t get upset, Annie. It’s no bad thing if he’s really involved in his work. Means he doesn’t have time for silly things like made-up cricket tours.’ Virginia stared at Kirsty.

  ‘That’s fine, Gin, but I thought we were getting somewhere. I really thought we could talk to each other about what was going on in our lives. I’ve told him so much recently and now he’s just gone back into himself. He’s spending much more time at his own place.’

  ‘Yes, thought I’d seen the lights on. Don’t worry, Annie, at least it’s work – not like he’s gone off with anyone.’

  ‘No, he’s not gone off with anyone, anywhere. Not yet anyway.’

  *

  Annie spent all day Monday trapped in the tribunal offices on Melville Street. She was pitted against a buffoon of a solicitor, probably engaged at vast expense by his client, who could barely remember the poor woman’s name and had great difficulty constructing any kind of plausible defence. Annie felt sorry for the woman as she sat, shoulders hunched, looking perplexed as the rotund figure of Malcolm Chalmers of Farquhar and Sutherland once more took to his feet. Annie could see he was starting to sweat, his small head constrained by a too-tight collar, which seemed responsible for popping the purple thread veins on his cheeks and whisky nose.

  He’s all over the place, thought Annie. She was glad. Not that she had any great desire to thwart Mrs Cuthbert’s appeal against dismissal but she had a job to do and knew that up against anyone else, today of all days, she might have faltered. Forensic questioning, however, wasn’t really required in this case as Mr Chalmers was losing the argument all by himself.

  After closing submissions the Tribunal Chair advised that the panel would issue its decision in writing in the next day or two. Annie wondered why on earth they couldn’t just make a decision there and then but after a quick word with her client, who was keen to get away, she gathered up her papers and prepared to leave. Normally she would have returned to the office but Annie just wanted to get home. She left the tribunal room and went to sign out at reception.

  As she approached the desk Annie thought she caught sight of the familiar cross-ankled pose of her man lounging in the leather chair by the door. Could be any tall, greying man, she quickly rationalised. Suddenly, people were milling about everywhere and her pulse quickened as she tried to direct her gaze past the small groups of lawyers and clients crowding the reception area – just to make sure. One post-mortem finished abruptly and as the earnest little group dispersed there he was, out of his seat, waving and smiling. She walked quickly towards him and in moments she was in his arms.

  ‘Miss me?’

  The w
arm sense of wellbeing left Annie as soon as it had arrived.

  ‘Miss you? Really? I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think why you would just shut yourself off from me; disappear for the weekend without me knowing where you were going, why you were going and most importantly who you were going with!’

  ‘I know. Sorry, I just needed to get up there and find out for myself what’s happening and really try to work out if I’ve got something to offer that could really help.’ He looked completely unfazed by her rant.

  ‘Help who?’

  People were starting to look. Annie made James promise he wouldn’t move as she returned to reception to sign out. When she returned he suggested going for a drink but Annie didn’t want any more public displays, of affection or anger. They left the office and walked down the road in near silence to Dean Terrace.

  Annie hung her coat up in the hall, and then walked through to the kitchen to deposit her briefcase. James had gone straight into the lounge and as she moved to join him she was aghast to see Ludovic rubbing himself against James’s legs and positively swooning to the touch of the man who was now scratching him vigorously behind the ears. Traitor.

  ‘Come and sit down,’ he said gently.

  He took both her hands in his and looked straight into her eyes. Annie felt like she was in some kind of lockdown, unable to divert her gaze away.

  ‘Okay, so you know something about my job at St Andrew’s House – rural affairs, land management?’

  Annie nodded.

  ‘You also know that I am really interested in how things can be improved for people who live on the land, cultivate it, take care of it, particularly in crofting communities.’

  Annie nodded again.

  ‘Land reform was part of my university degree and it was a real awakening for me. I just haven’t really known how best to use what I’ve learned. I seem to have spent so much of my working life trying to get people to take it seriously but the truth is the Scottish Office isn’t exactly the place to be concerned with huge amounts of innovation and reform – nothing that’s really going to make a difference.’

  She continued staring at him.

  ‘Okay, well, there is an area of land, almost entirely crofting land in the south west of Sutherland called Assynt. In short, there’s been a myriad of landowners over the past 200-odd years, members of the aristocracy mostly up until the current owner – a Swedish land speculator. None of these owners have ever considered how selling and buying the land might affect the people that actually live and work on it. Crofters’ lives and livelihoods count for nothing in these deals.’

  The intensity with which he spoke slightly unnerved Annie. She hadn’t heard him sound so earnest about anything before.

  ‘Now this Swedish company looks like it might go into liquidation and the land will be resold in lots. Different lots, by the way, from the last time it was sold; but the Scottish Crofters Union has been in touch with Government and there might be a chance, just a chance, that the crofters themselves could organise themselves, drum up the necessary finances to secure the land. They would finally be in control of their own future, rather than having to put up with daft ideas imposed from outside or have their own ideas blocked by people who just don’t understand the land. Look, I don’t want you to think this is just some fanciful notion of a better life. It is beautiful up there but it’s bloody hard to scratch out a living on such barren land. Crofting is about working difficult land in the harshest of environments but it’s the best way to use that land and it’s part of what makes Scotland what it is – I just want to see it properly supported that’s all.’

  His grip on her hands was tightening as he became more animated.

  ‘Okay, well, I guess it’s important to you. I mean it sounds important to you.’

  ‘It’s important for all of us, Annie. Scotland really is a bit of a basket case when it comes to land ownership. No country has so much of its land in the hands of private landowners and how they got hold of the land in the first place – well, that’s another story. It just isn’t tolerated in any other modern European country.’

  She knew her brow was beginning to furrow.

  ‘Okay, I can see you’re looking sceptical. What I mean is that other countries have known for centuries now that land ownership is vital for people to feel invested, connected. It allows communities to grow and care for the place they live. If you are surviving year to year, month to month, unsure if everything you have built and grown is going to be taken from you it pulls at the very fabric of your life, your community and it rips the soul out of your country – our country.’

  Annie had never heard any of this before. Why hadn’t she heard any of this before? There were questions, plenty of them, but they would need to be for another day. She didn’t know enough to be able to share his passion but she could feel it and whether crofters’ buy-outs were the answer or not almost didn’t matter. She began to understand why it mattered to him and she began to understand why it mattered full stop.

  She pulled her hand away from his strong grip and gently stroked his face.

  ‘Okay, well, in practical terms tell me what it means for you, your job – for us.’

  ‘Well, it doesn’t really mean anything for my job, as things stand. I’ll probably go along to meetings, supporting a minister who may or may not have encouraging words to say, bombard them with bureaucratic niceties, point out all the truly insurmountable hurdles while all the time praising their pluck, their entrepreneurial spirit! The reality, of course, is that I can do absolutely nothing of any practical worth to help them.’

  James looked down at his hands.

  ‘They need people like me, Annie. Not just me – they need lawyers, accountants, other professionals. The thing I can do is help them to get their business plan together. I know how to get an “in” to Government. I know what will sway civil servants and ministers so we can get some political clout behind their bid.’

  He stopped and drew a deep breath.

  ‘I would have to give up my job. I’ve asked about a secondment, about some sort of sabbatical, even, but the stuffed shirts aren’t interested.’

  ‘And what about your career, your pension…?’ Annie tailed off knowing that none of that really mattered to James.

  ‘Yes, but I’m in the fortunate position of not having any dependants, no mortgage. Nothing that stops me grasping this opportunity with both hands.’

  ‘No, of course.’ It was Annie’s turn to look away.

  ‘I know I’m asking an awful lot but it just seems like after all these years of being weighed down by civil service protocols and red tape I could finally do something I feel passionately about. It wouldn’t be for too long and of course I’ll be back and you can come up and stay – it’s just that it’ll probably be quite intense the first few weeks.’

  ‘So, you’ve made up your mind then.’ Annie couldn’t help feeling deflated. She understood his words and she wanted to share his enthusiasm but she just couldn’t. Finally, after all these years she thought she might just be allowing herself to get close, really close. To have what her friends had: a partner who was there, who would share her life so they could just be – together; but the first sign of something more exciting, something new and different and he was off. She really should never have expected anything different.

  ‘Don’t say it like that, Annie. You’re making it sound as though I’ve made a choice between you and going to Assynt. That’s not it at all; but it is really important to me. I need to do something with my life that is meaningful; work with good people; do stuff that is going to make a difference, however small in the scheme of things.’

  ‘How long will you be gone?’

  ‘Developing the plan will be a six-month thing and then we can sit down together and take stock from there. It could lead on to other things, not nec
essarily here; I just don’t know.’

  ‘Okay but how am I supposed to plan my life around that? You might be here, you might be there.’

  ‘We’ll work something out, Annie.’ Suddenly his tone changed. ‘It’s just I could be doing something real for a change.’

  ‘Well, are we not real? Is my life not real? What I do is real and it’s important to me but that’s really of no consequence to you. Okay, I’m not saving the country – I’m a boring old employment lawyer. And no, none of that is earth shattering but I’m bloody good at my job.’

  She really didn’t know where she was going with any of it but it was important to her that he knew it wasn’t all okay. She wasn’t going to let meek acceptance win the day this time.

  ‘Just go – go to Assynt.’

  And with that, Annie broke free from his grasp and marched into the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, head in hands.

  James stood in the doorway. ‘Oh, Annie, come on. Look, I love you. Please don’t make this something it isn’t.’

  That’s right, Annie. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. It’s only work after all. But she couldn’t help herself – she started sobbing into her hands.

  ‘Look, we can make this work. Nobody knows what’s round the corner but I thought we were in this for the long haul. Chances are I’ll be back in six months and then I’ll just figure out what I’m going to do to earn a living.’

  He squatted down in front of her enclosing her hands in his. Her head fell forward into his chest. ‘Oh nice. Tears and snot all over my shirt.’

  Annie half-heartedly pushed him in the chest. ‘Serves you right. Aren’t they going to pay you then?’ She looked around at the box of tissues sitting on her nightstand but couldn’t summon the energy to go and get them. She knew her face was a mess. James followed her gaze and quickly retrieved the pretty floral box. Annie ripped out more tissues than she needed.