The Confirmation

by L G Dickson

  ‘You know, I don’t really understand why you moved into Great King Street actually. You’re just not very New Town are you? And the Scottish Office – how have you managed to work there all these years when clearly all you wanted was to be out communing with nature?’

  He didn’t rise to the bait. ‘I love Great King Street. Wouldn’t have met you if I hadn’t moved there.’

  He turned to smile at her and she held the gaze of his soft blue eyes. Strange how, even now, just a look made her feel as though she might just be able to face anything. It still unnerved her slightly but when it happened and it was just the two of them she almost felt as though she didn’t need to be scared again. Did love do that to you? Did it stop you being scared? She said nothing else but leaned into the warmth of his neck and breathed in deeply, hoping that the sense of him might just linger about her for the next six months.

  As they made their way through to Inverleith Row it struck Annie that, apart from the little flurry of colour at the entrance, most of the gardens, even in the late February sunshine, looked grey and brown. The rhododendron bushes sat looking forlorn and hunched over, giving no hint of the riot of colour to come. Then, just as they were approaching the gates, a blaze of purple primulas came into view. Beautiful flowers, standing tall and erect, drinking in the sun. The sight of them warmed her. She never wanted to be scared again.

  In the end, James’s departure was quiet and unfussy. Everything had been said that needed to be said and so they stuck to the practical tasks of emptying the flat and filling the car. The Drummonds, together with Kirsty’s brother Donald, all appeared on the landing offering assistance, refreshments and words of encouragement; Donald was renting the flat for a few months before he headed off trekking in the Himalayas. When they had discussed the rental arrangements some weeks before, Kirsty observed that ‘things had panned out quite nicely after all’. They certainly had panned out, thought Annie, as she observed James’s little farewell committee, but not nicely. Definitely not nicely.

  ‘Well, we’ll miss you, old man, but I’m sure you’ll be back with us before we know it.’ Duncan stood clutching a slightly tearful Kirsty.

  ‘Yes, be no time at all. Keep an eye on this one, won’t you.’ James nodded at Annie. ‘Might need to give you a call at some point, Duncan, regarding some of the legal issues – if that’s okay.’

  Duncan beamed. ‘Absolutely no problem at all, old man – on both counts!’

  The Drummonds retreated quietly, allowing Annie and James to bid their farewells.

  ‘I really don’t know the position with phones, darling, but even if there isn’t one at the bunkhouse the pub along the road is bound to have one, and of course I’ll write – every other day.’ He was packing the last of his things into the overcrowded boot. Suddenly he turned, looking distressed. ‘Didn’t think about stamps and post and all that. There must be a post box close by – mustn’t there?’

  Suddenly it was Annie’s turn to do the reassuring.

  ‘I’m sure there will be.’ She put a hand up to the side of his face and he leant against it. ‘Stop worrying. Once you get the lay of the land everything will be fine. Don’t worry about getting in touch straight away, just get yourself settled in.’

  He pressed her hand to his face and kissed it. ‘I do love you.’

  ‘And I love you.’ A quick, tender embrace followed and before she knew it he had left Edinburgh behind him and headed off to his new life.

  The first phone calls were stuttering affairs relayed via a dodgy line from the local pub close to the bunkhouse. There was only time for basic information to be shared: state of the accommodation, working hours, food and drink stocks and a quick round-up of everyone’s state of health. There would be much more information forthcoming in James’s letters – apparently.

  The first of these arrived well into the second week and Annie’s heart leapt at the sight of it lying on the hall carpet as she returned home from a less than riveting ‘update’ session on the Transfer of Undertakings regulations. She determined to have a bath, slip into cosy clothes and make a nice cup of tea before immersing herself in his words.

  It wasn’t all she’d hoped for. There was a quick run through of his colleagues’ biographies followed by a description of current land management issues, including ideas for new farming practices, opportunities for better conservation, potential for improving tourist attractions, possible generation of new employment opportunities – and so it went on.

  Annie was bored and ever so slightly disappointed by the time she’d got to the bottom of page three. Not even two weeks, granted, but she had liked to think that he might be lying in his lonely bunk pining just a little bit and thinking of beautiful things to say to her. Finally, towards the end of the dissertation on crofting in Assynt, a ray of hope. He began to wax lyrical about his surroundings; the abundance of wildlife he had already seen, including deer, seals and otters, and was sure Annie would love the area. He described loch-side and woodland walks and how much lovelier they would be if she was with him and then, just to round things off nicely, he had spotted a cottage to rent with lovely gardens leading down to the beach on the shore of a small loch. Would Annie be able to travel up and take a look at it with him anytime soon?

  She smiled and reached out to cuddle Ludovic. One squeeze and he was off. Right, let’s think about this. Annie mulled over the practicalities of heading up that weekend. She would need to rearrange drinks with the Drummonds and postpone Sunday lunch with Helen. Would she drive or get the train to Inverness? Would James be able to pick her up? Where would she stay? Lots of things to think about but they were lovely things to think about.

  James rang that night. The train took forever and on a Friday wasn’t far removed from the dirt and chaos of a slow-moving sleeper from Calcutta. He suggested driving and a relatively early start to make the most of the daylight. He would of course send very detailed directions so all would be well and, yes, they would book into the hotel along from the bunkhouse. Annie slept well for the first time since James had left. She was setting off on a bit of an adventure and James would be waiting for her at the end of her travels.

  The first slight dampener was Helen’s concern that she was driving such a distance on her own. ‘I do hope you’ll stop a lot, not in the middle of nowhere of course. Try to phone me whenever you do stop and do you have enough warm weather gear? I could go back to Tiso’s and see what they have. Remember to keep a check on your petrol and you are a member of the AA, aren’t you? Will I ask the McHargs’ boy to come and check your car for roadworthiness?’

  Annie attempted to placate her mother on each of her worry points, all the while knowing nothing would, and so continued making her plans for the weekend.

  The drive was much more pleasurable than Annie had anticipated. She loved the quiet roads and breathtaking scenery, certainly once she had left the madness of a Friday on the A9 behind her, and meandered her way across to the northwest coast. What beautiful contrasts Scotland offered, she thought. Lush forests suddenly giving way to heather and boulder-clad hills. Grey clouds dusting the tops of conical mountains scarred by swathes of shale and scree. Edinburgh was her home and she loved it but all of Scotland was her home too. She was suddenly feeling very content with her lot. As she drew closer to Assynt, the feeling grew, knowing that what she loved most of all was just a few short miles away.

  ‘Well, I have to say you made excellent time in your little Fiesta.’ She was in his arms outside the old coaching inn that was to be their little haven for the weekend. Annie just wanted to stay like that but James was keen to move things along. He quickly broke free from her embrace and went to get her bags from the boot.

  ‘We’ll get you settled in and then I want to take you down to the rocks just there and we can watch the seals for a while.’ He pointed to the rocky outcrop that sat alongside the slipway down to the loch. �
�You should see all the amazing shellfish they land here, Annie, and of course the crofts supply so much of the meat and vegetables. It could be really self-sustaining if we could just get enough money in.’

  He was gazing down at the stillness of the loch now and although Annie desperately wanted to pull him away into the seclusion of their hotel room, she couldn’t break the spell. This was the happiest she had seen him.

  It was a glorious weekend. The weather was kind to them and they spent much of their time outdoors. Most of their walking was coastal, around wild headlands, but they also trekked high up steep paths and on to heather-clad moorland. It all had an unexpectedly exhilarating effect on Annie. The air was crisp and clean, untainted by city pollutants, and she could feel the benefit on her skin and in her lungs. They were exhausted each day after their exertions but were quickly revived by sumptuous meals and seriously good whisky.

  The cottage James had spoken of was walking distance from the hotel and was everything he described. Annie had no hesitation in encouraging the move, particularly when she saw the state of the bunkhouse. (She’d managed a quick look in from the entrance but felt no inclination to explore any further.) In stark contrast, she could picture herself pottering around the cottage, sitting in the garden drinking in the views and cosying up with James in the warm, snug lounge. My, what a turn up for the books, she thought to herself. This could just turn out to be the best thing that would ever happen to them.

  And with that thought still percolating, Annie prepared for her departure on a clear, bright Monday morning. It was not a repetition of the sad farewell at Great King Street but it was a new chapter gently unfolding in front of them. In Annie’s mind Assynt was no longer an alien world that could destroy her relationship before it had truly begun but instead held out the prospect of an alternative existence; something welcoming and vibrant that could only help to nurture them both.

  Annie arrived home late Monday afternoon. She was tired from the driving but also felt strangely energised. Bags were unpacked, washing put in the machine and she also managed a cursory round of cleaning. She thought about quickly calling her mother but decided to stay in her bubble until Tuesday and call after work. As she walked into the offices of Saunders and MacKay the following morning, Annie felt glad she had no tribunal or court appearances at all that week. This new air of serenity could so easily have been disturbed by a day of endless legal wrangling; and so her morning was spent reading up on case notes and depositions. Simon had done a wonderful job of ordering what she referred to as her ‘purposeful piles of paper’ into some kind of chronological order and she felt pleased that she had managed to get through most things by lunchtime. Just as she was about to head out for a sandwich, Bryce popped his head round the door.

  ‘Have you got a minute, Annie? Just need a quick summary on the LRC case.’

  ‘Absolutely.’ Annie was more than a little pleased that Bryce had seen her lay hands on the papers at once. Normally she was rummaging about trying to pull everything together in a panic. As she was leaving, the phone on her desk rang.

  ‘Simon, could you get that, please.’

  Just as she approached Bryce’s door, Simon called out, ‘It’s your mum, Annie.’

  ‘That’s fine, thanks Simon. Tell her I’ll call her later. Busy just now.’

  *

  It was just before five when Annie decided she really needed to turn her attention to properly sorting out her billable time. She hated the chore as much as she hated sorting out her expenses but needs must and she was days behind.

  The phone rang and suddenly she remembered she hadn’t returned Helen’s call. Probably a client though. She’d call her mother right after.

  ‘Good afternoon, Annie Anderson speaking.’

  ‘Oh, Annie, thank goodness, Jean McHarg here.’

  A sudden feeling of panic swept over Annie. ‘Jean? Why, what’s wrong?’

  ‘Oh, my dear, it’s your mother. She’s quite alright I think but she wasn’t feeling at all well over the weekend, in fact didn’t come to church. Anyway, she thought she had a touch of the flu but today she had a terrible pain in her chest and so she rang me – I think she’d tried to ring you, dear. Anyway, Alasdair called an ambulance straight away. “You don’t mess about with chest pain”, he said, and of course he’s quite right. So anyway, the upshot is we’re all here at the Western General, dear.’

  ‘And you’re sure Mum’s okay?’

  ‘Well, she’s hooked up to lots of wires and things but she’s sitting up and talking. Although I have to say she does look quite ghastly.’

  ‘I’ll be right there.’ Annie thought she was going to be physically sick. As she put the phone down and grabbed her coat and bag all she could hear was the sound of her heart thumping.

  ‘Simon, I’m off. It’s Mum, she’s in hospital. I don’t know…’

  She walked quickly past everyone and straight out the door. Simon was calling after her but all the sounds around her seemed strangely muffled. As she started to run towards Queensferry Street, a taxi trundled slowly round the corner and she wildly flagged it down. As she jumped in, the driver turned to exchange some pleasantries but as soon as he saw Annie and heard the words ‘Western General, emergency admissions’, he automatically switched to caped crusader mode and sped off towards the hospital.

  Feelings of panic and fear ebbed away as Annie entered the admissions area. Helen was indeed sitting up, hospital gown falling off her shoulder. She smiled broadly at the sight of her daughter.

  ‘Oh, Mum, what on earth has happened to you?’

  ‘Oh, just a silly little thing with my heart, nothing for you to worry about. Oh dear, I am causing such a fuss.’

  As Annie sat by the bed, Helen weakly placed her hand over hers. Annie thought how suddenly very old and tired she looked.

  ‘Let me just speak to the doctors, Mum.’ Annie got up and saw the McHargs standing at the edge of the curtained bay. She must have walked straight past them. ‘Oh, Jean, Alasdair, I’m so grateful. Thank goodness you were around.’

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing, Annie. We just marshalled the forces really. She’ll kick on now you’re here.’ Captain McHarg always spoke as though he was still brigading his troops.

  ‘What did the doctors say?’

  ‘Well… oh look, here’s Doctor Gilchrist now.’

  ‘Hi, you must be Annie. Doctor Gilchrist. I’m the A&E Registrar. Let’s just have a quick chat round here.’

  She followed the impossibly young medic down the corridor, his white coat billowing out behind him before they stopped at the nurses’ station.

  He spoke slowly and quietly. ‘Mum’s had a mild heart attack. Nothing too serious and doesn’t look like there should be any lasting damage but we’re going to keep her in for a few days to keep an eye on her, do more tests and sort out the medication she’s going to need.’

  Annie appreciated his reassuring manner.

  ‘Okay, gosh, I can’t remember Mum ever being very ill – well, not seriously ill. Should I stay here tonight?’

  ‘Look, we’re going to move her up to the cardiac ward now so why don’t you sit with her for a while there and then just come back in the morning? You’ll need to get some sleep.’

  She did as instructed and after sending the McHargs home with a promise to phone in the morning, Annie sat with her mother until she appeared to drift off to sleep. Before she knew it, it was time for lights out and so she gently kissed her mother, trying not to wake her and went to put on her coat and scarf.

  ‘Don’t leave your neck open,’ said Helen weakly.

  Annie smiled and stroked her mother’s greying hair, making sure it was nice and tidy, just as she liked it.

  ‘I’ll bring all your hair things, toiletries, oh and of course your nightie – in the morning.’

  ‘Thank you, dear.
I’m sorry to be such a nuisance.’

  ‘Nonsense. You’ll be right as rain in no time.’

  ‘Annie.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I know it’s not always been easy – and there are things. Things I needed to tell you.’

  ‘Mum, don’t. It’s all fine. You don’t need to say anything. Just get a good night’s sleep and I’ll see you in the morning.’

  Annie was just about to leave the ward and turn into the corridor when she felt inexplicably scared. She suddenly wanted to be a little girl again, when her parents seemed happy and she felt safe and protected. But she realised there could be no going back. That warm and comforting memory would need to be left behind for now. None of it really mattered – what had gone before – none of it. Annie knew that she would be giving her mother the best care and attention. She wanted her mother to feel safe, not scared.

  She turned to look back. Helen smiled and did her best to summon up an enthusiastic wave. Annie smiled and returned the gesture, trying hard to appear nonchalant and unworried.

  When she returned to the flat she sat in the cold darkness for what seemed like an age, still wrapped in her coat and scarf – Mother would definitely not approve – but eventually managed to stir herself to make a cup of tea; eating was beyond her. At some ungodly hour she changed into her nightie, lurched into bed with Ludovic at her feet and began a night of fitful sleep.

  *

  The alarm went off at six thirty and Annie woke tired but cosy. She was about to shut off the incessant arguing that had already started on the Today programme and turn over for a few more precious minutes, when a strange sense of all not being well hit her. Then she remembered the events of last night. She lay for a while, letting things settle in her mind. Better get a shift on, she thought. She dragged herself from her slumber and trudged towards the bathroom. As she did so, she saw, out the corner of her eye, the red light flashing on her answerphone, demanding her attention. How could she not have noticed last night? She stood shivering in her nightie, arms wrapped round herself and played back the message.