The Confirmation

by L G Dickson

  ‘No, I booked it out again just before I came up – but yes, you’re right, forgot about the whole charges thing.’

  ‘Okay, well, moving on. I wondered if we might travel to Geneva en route?’

  James said nothing but sat, brow slightly furrowed, tapping his fingers on the arm of the sofa.

  Eventually Annie had to break the silence. ‘Well?’

  ‘Yes, sorry. I think we could do that. I was just thinking how we would do it. We could maybe fly to Geneva, rent a car from there and head down to the Lakes. I think that would be a really lovely drive.’ He smiled to himself. Annie knew he was mapping out a route in his head.

  Annie stared at him. ‘Okay.’ Nothing about why they might be stopping off at Geneva then. ‘And what do you think about my idea? I mean, going to Geneva?’

  ‘Yes, that sounds grand. But you’re not just going to turn up on the doorstep, are you?’

  ‘Don’t look so worried. No, of course not. I’ll write to Céline and hopefully we can take things from there.’

  ‘I just mean you might have to be prepared for things not working out exactly as you want them to.’ He looked concerned.

  ‘Well, I guess the thought had crossed my mind but we always got on fairly well and who knows? She might have been waiting to tell me all about my brother but just didn’t know how to. I might actually meet him.’

  The first part of the plan was starting to take shape and she didn’t really want to think about any possible negative outcomes. ‘So do you think we could do it? When do you think you’ll be finished up here?’

  She could feel James tense slightly as he shifted uneasily in his seat.

  ‘Well, the crofters have formed a co-operative now and there’s a lot of high-profile backing. A sale might well go through by the end of the year if everything works in their favour – but I think my job here will probably be done by the end of the summer.’

  ‘I thought there might have been the chance of something more long term?’ She knew this wasn’t quite how James had expected things to pan out.

  ‘Well, now there’s the real possibility of finance from outside agencies to help the crofters meet the purchase price – which is obviously great. But there’s not going to be any financial help for admin costs and that includes supporting a job like mine. Anything would need to continue on a volunteer basis, so I guess I’m just going to have to turn my mind to what I could do after the summer.’

  For the first time since she’d met him, Annie thought James sounded really quite unsure of himself.

  ‘It does seem a shame after what you’ve given up. Are you managing okay now if they aren’t paying you?’ With all that was going on Annie hadn’t thought too deeply about what he was doing and how he was doing it.

  ‘Well, I don’t feel like I’ve particularly given anything up by leaving the civil service. Anyway, before I came up, I said we’d take stock after six months so that’s what we’ll do.’

  He got up and started to tidy things away, close the curtains and generally shut things down for the night.

  ‘We’ll talk about what I’m going to do later; let’s just concentrate on Geneva for now.’

  He smiled at her but Annie sensed that she had stumbled into an area where James felt less than comfortable. He clearly wasn’t going to discuss how he was supporting himself so she decided to take the hint – for now.

  Annie woke the following morning from a deep and restful sleep, snug under the thick duvet and patchwork eiderdown that covered the bed, almost reaching down to the floor on either side. The bed filled the little wood-panelled room with barely enough room for any other furniture. She could hear James outside filling the wicker basket with logs from the wood store ready to take up its position again on the slate hearth. She lay for a while enjoying the solitude until she could smell the irresistible twin aromas of almost burnt toast and sizzling bacon. With one mighty heave she threw back the bedclothes and walked to the window.

  On pulling back the makeshift curtain that covered the single glass pane she could see the clouds had rolled in overnight and spread themselves out over the rocks that pierced through the thick grass and heather-clad hills. It was a dramatic but sombre sight. In the distance, tumble-down ruins of stone buildings, long since abandoned, seemed to crumble under the weight of a harsh environment. The weather had torn through the very structures that held these communities together but as she’d learned from James so too had the brutality of market forces. It was hard to think about such things in the middle of this beautiful wilderness but it looked like James was going to be at their mercy too.

  Later in the day they walked round to a small bay, a few miles’ walk from the house. As they turned round the headland, the dark brooding rocks suddenly gave way to a strip of near-white sand. They sat on a grassy bank looking down onto the green-blue waters sweeping gently into the shore. James pulled a thermos of coffee from his backpack.

  ‘Are you sure you can wait till the end of summer before we get to Geneva? Don’t you want to go sooner?’ He handed her a steaming hot cup of milky coffee.

  ‘Actually it gives me time to sort an awful lot of stuff out. I can organise the flat, decide what I want to do with it, get all of Helen’s affairs sorted and then I think I can deal with all of this with a clear head.’

  ‘And how are the Drummonds? I forgot to ask about them and their news? It’s strange imagining Duncan as a father.’

  ‘Well, Kirsty hopes it will be the making of him and I think it will. I’m sure it will.’

  James put his arm round her. ‘Even when things are kind of thrown at you out the blue you always end up seeing the positive, don’t you?’

  ‘No, not always. But what’s the alternative, really?’

  ‘And children? Have you thought you might like to have children one day?’

  She looked up at him, so quickly she hurt her neck, taken aback by the directness of his question. She paused before answering.

  ‘Just because Kirsty is “with child” doesn’t mean I’ve started to get broody. In fact I can’t say I’ve ever had the desire to have any. Quite unusual, I suppose. And I’ve always felt so bad about that because Virginia has been desperate to have kids. I guess if I found I was pregnant I’d be okay with it but managing my own life seems to be tricky enough.’

  She paused, unsure if he would be disappointed in her answer. He said nothing but carried on drinking his coffee and looking out to sea. It suddenly struck her that James may well want to have children. After all, why wouldn’t he? They had never talked about it, in fact the thought had never crossed her mind and she wasn’t entirely sure why. But he said nothing and carried on looking out to sea.

  Annie chose not to engage in any further discussions around shared futures, children included or not. Something niggled about James’s life choices; the decisions he was making appeared to be very spur of the moment and yet he had doggedly carved out a twenty-year career in the civil service right up until this year. Was it some form of midlife crisis that had sent him up here on a whim? With hopes dashed of anything more permanent on the job horizon he seemed reluctant to discuss options with her. As she drove back home on the Sunday it struck her that she knew very little of James Kerr. She thought she knew the kind of man he was, the qualities that she found so attractive, but there were whole swathes of his life that he just hadn’t shared with her. If she were working in human resources she would seriously question the glaring gaps in his personal profile. What was it called? She wracked her brain while Gardeners’ Question Time droned in the background. Hinterland, that was it. She knew absolutely nothing of James Kerr’s hinterland.

  CHAPTER 9

  When she got back there were a couple of messages from Kirsty on her answerphone. It was Duncan’s birthday at the weekend and they were having a few people round. Could she come and of course b
ring James? She felt happy at the prospect of being with her friends again. Virginia and Gordon were going to be there, so the whole pregnancy thing might be tricky, but there was a comfort in knowing she was going to just hang out with her chums on Saturday night. She had discussed the next couple of weekends with James and they had agreed that there was no need for either of them to hare up and down the length of Scotland for a while. She was fine with that; they would sort something out in the next couple of weeks.

  She had ascertained that the birthday boy’s invitees were for the most part people she had already met. Once again that comforted Annie. Familiar surroundings, familiar folk, usual chat. The only unknown quantity was going to be the appearance of a few guys from the cricket club. You never really knew with these kinds of men. They could be boringly dull, stand in a corner and talk sport all night or be gregarious loudmouths hanging on to the last vestiges of their sporting youth and encouraging everyone to get involved in tediously sexist drinking games. To her great relief the three unknown men didn’t appear to fall into either category. They were all new to the area and had only recently joined the club. It was typical of Duncan, thought Annie, that he would be such a welcoming host to people he barely knew. Baby Drummond could do worse than inherit some of his father’s genes – just some of them.

  Two of the men had recently joined Duncan’s law firm and had just moved into the Stockbridge area and the third was a nervy young man from Cheltenham who fidgeted so much that he inadvertently stepped back into one of Kirsty’s monstrous ferns and knocked it off its wooden pedestal. He was so effusive in his apologies Annie thought he might crash into something else so she carefully led him by the hand away from potted plants and other loose impediments.

  The biggest surprise of the evening, however, was the appearance of Lachlan. No sign of Strachan or Marjorie, thank goodness, but it was the first time, to Annie’s knowledge, that Duncan’s brother had been invited to any kind of social gathering at No. 92. Something was afoot, she decided.

  Aside from the usual greeting at the front door, Kirsty had been absent for much of the first part of the evening. Duncan had been telling everyone that she was putting the finishing touches to his famous rogan josh – given it was his birthday she had insisted that he could start the thing off but she would take over for the final flourish. However, the commotion from the lounge would normally have signalled a rush to the scene by the lady of the house, probably with dustpan and brush in hand; she was nowhere to be seen. The heady aroma coming from the kitchen was making Annie salivate and she decided this was an opportune time to go and investigate.

  Virginia spotted her movement towards the kitchen and came to plead with her friend.

  ‘Please, I can’t take any more tales of the Borders rugby tour. Even Gordon’s joining in with all the laddish banter. Where’s James when you need him to talk about normal stuff?’

  ‘Sorry to disappoint, Gin, but it’s just me tonight. James and I have been doing enough travelling back and forth so we thought we’d both just stay put for a while. By the way, I was getting a quick rundown of the highlights of the cricket club annual prize giving. Just the highlights mind you – lucky me – before poor Nigel knocked that triffid over. Have you seen Kirsty?’

  ‘Just assumed she was in the kitchen. Anyway, how are you? I just got that mad phone call before you headed north: letters, photographs, your father and Céline – and a brother, really?’

  ‘I’ll tell you all about that later, let’s see if we can find Kirsty.’

  Annie opened the kitchen door to find the two large pots of spicy heaven bubbling away madly. She quickly turned the heat right down but the pot of rice that was at the back of the hob had been left to its own devices for far too long. Annie could tell from the slightly acrid smell that, although white and fluffy on top, it was beginning to suffer from a seriously burnt bottom.

  She left Virginia to salvage supper and went in search of the hostess. She found Kirsty in the bedroom sitting in a little wicker chair in the corner, sobbing.

  ‘What’s wrong, Kirst?’ Annie knelt down in front of her friend.

  ‘All day, bloody morning sickness for one thing and now Lachlan.’

  ‘What about Lachlan?’

  ‘He’s decided he wants a bit of adventure in his life and fancy’s joining Ranald, you know the eldest, in the back of beyond – well, New Zealand.’

  ‘So, why the tears? I thought you might be glad to see the back of him.’

  ‘Yes, although he’s a much nicer person when he’s away from Strachan’s influence. No, I don’t really care whether he goes or not it’s just that he’s asked Duncan if he might want to move up to Perthshire and take over running the business with his dad. Quite frankly, Annie, I would rather die than move anywhere near the Drummonds.’

  ‘But what has Duncan got to say about it?’

  ‘He’s actually started talking about all the positive things that might come with a move to Drummond House. “Lovely environment for baby to grow up in, parents on hand for babysitting, escaping the pressures of city life for us” – that sort of thing.’

  Annie noticed her friend quietly tearing a paper hankie to shreds as she spoke.

  ‘You couldn’t possibly live in the same house?’ Annie asked incredulously.

  ‘Oh no. The parents are going to downsize in any case. I don’t think I told you but Strachan had one of those mini-strokes – I think it’s called a TIA. Hardly a surprise. The way he goes on something was bound to burst eventually. Anyway, the idea is that we would have the house but they would be living pretty close by – absolute horrors.’ Kirsty looked distraught.

  ‘But I thought Duncan didn’t want to have anything to do with the business. I thought he wouldn’t be able to stand working with his dad.’

  ‘I know, I know, Annie. He just keeps talking about “the bigger picture” whatever that means and he thinks his parents will really be taking a back seat. He has all these ideas about what he could do with the business, which seem like complete madness to me. And then he sounds so excited that I think maybe this is what he needs, maybe what we both need. I just can’t get my head round it – maybe it’s just my hormones, could it be my hormones?’

  The hankie was now a little shredded mound at Kirsty’s feet.

  ‘And so you’d leave Edinburgh? And what about what you need? What about your career? Why does everyone want to leave Edinburgh all of a sudden?’ Annie knew she was starting to sound a bit shrill and a bit self-interested.

  ‘Oh no. We’d have a bolthole here. We just couldn’t afford to keep this place on, that’s all.’ She reached out and grabbed Annie’s hands. ‘If it does happen and I’m not saying it will, you mustn’t think we’re leaving you, sweetie. We’re the absolute best of friends and always will be.’ And with that she started crying again.

  At that point the door opened and Virginia burst in. ‘What’s going on? I think I’ve salvaged the curry but we’d better get down there and eat it. Everyone’s asking for you.’ Then she saw Kirsty’s tear-stained face. ‘Is everything alright?’

  ‘I think you should tell Gin everything. I’ll go and let everyone know you were just feeling a bit queasy but everything’s fine now and you’ll be through shortly.’ Annie squeezed her friend’s hand and then left them to it.

  A little while later, Kirsty and Virginia came into the lounge hand in hand.

  ‘You alright, darling? Annie said you weren’t feeling too great.’ Duncan came bounding over and put his arm round his wife. Virginia quietly peeled away.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine. Nothing for you to worry about.’ Annie watched as she put her arm round Duncan’s solid girth and kissed him on the cheek.

  Virginia walked over to join Annie who was telling Gordon all about the cottage in Assynt. ‘It’s lovely up there, Gordon, you’d love it. It’s just so peaceful and, of co
urse, the scenery is stunning.’

  ‘Yes, it must be. Brilliant hill walking up there too. Must try and pay James a visit before he finishes, maybe drag Duncan up and see if we can have what I would call a proper boys’ weekend. Out in the hills all day, hearty meal when we come home and a few drams to finish off. Better than all that cricket and rugby nonsense.’

  ‘Okay, Gin?’ Annie looked sympathetically across to her friend.

  ‘Yes. All good, Annie. It’s all good.’ Virginia smiled as she took Gordon’s arm.

  Annie knew there was nothing disingenuous about Virginia’s response to Kirsty’s news. There may well be pangs of envy about Kirsty’s pregnancy or sadness that she couldn’t conceive, but Annie could see she was trying hard to make sure any negative feelings stayed below the surface. Virginia would comfort Kirsty through her mood swings, counsel her on healthy organic eating and start to turn her hand to knitting and crocheting in preparation for the arrival of baby Drummond. She really was the best of friends.

  Over the next few weeks, Annie focused on getting Helen’s affairs in order and clearing out the flat. Her friends and James all chipped in and there was an endless convoy of car trips to charity shops or charity vans arriving to pick up larger items of furniture that no one wanted. There were some laughs as they stopped to look at photographs of Annie and her parents in identical knitted Arran jumpers held together by oversized brown leather buttons. It was the only time she remembered Helen ever knitting. The fad had lasted a couple of years and the thick woollens were a necessary prerequisite to spending summer holidays along the East Neuk of Fife, where battling an icy cold wind was just part of the fun.

  Eventually the flat was all but cleared and Annie arranged with the solicitors to put it on the market. One Sunday evening after a day spent wiping down, cleaning and dusting, it was just Annie and James who were left, standing looking out at the panoramic views of Edinburgh.