Zeina
Page 20
He started his talk as usual by saying, “In the name of God ...”
“When somebody speaks in the name of God I feel he means the opposite.”
That was her voice, simple and natural. It came as a response to his statement.
There was absolute silence. Pursing his lips, Ahmed al-Damhiri looked rather embarrassed and a little angry. But God inspired him to continue.
“You’re absolutely right, ma’am. Many people use the name of God in vain, but I can assure you I’m not one of them.”
His personal guard stood not very far from him. He wished to introduce him to those present.
“This is his Excellency the Emir, Ahmed al-Damhiri Pasha.”
“Yes, yes, we all know him. His picture is everywhere.”
Those were the voices of some of the people standing nearby. A young man gave out a choked laugh. A woman mumbled some incomprehensible words and gave a scornful smile. Zeina Bint Zeinat knew who he was, for she had met him a couple of times at the house of her friend Mageeda al-Khartiti. He used to nod in greeting whenever he met her, and she reciprocated likewise. It was a simple, spontaneous nod, as she used with anybody who greeted her. He stared at her tall graceful stature as she walked and did not take his eyes off her. Her body seemed to him to be made of something other than flesh and bone. An overwhelming kind of light emanated from her, blinding him. He kept staring at her back until she disappeared and the lights went out.
Her image came back to him at night, invading his sleep, waking him up mercilessly, rudely. The two large eyes blazed with life, radiating a magical beauty, a beauty that was self-sufficient, marching on its infinite route toward the horizon.
He said to himself, the nature of magical beauty, like the nature of God the Creator, cannot admit of reciprocation or equality with other human beings. This is divine justice for you, Ahmed al-Damhiri, which is based on injustice and inequality!
Before falling asleep, he heard her voice chanting on stage:
Because I love to sing and dance,
And because music and poetry are my romance,
I’m not impressed by praise,
And blame cannot ruin my days.
He whispered to himself as he tossed in bed sleeplessly, “What arrogance! What insolent pride! It’s almost like Satan’s pride in challenging the authority of God.”
He imagined her bleeding after being shot in the chest. The bullet would tear through the wall of her heart and into her soul, which would go up to heaven to be punished and tortured, for God’s will was uppermost. He felt defeated by her and beseeched God to help him. God couldn’t possibly let him down in front of a female, an arrogant, insolently proud female at that. She committed sins on a daily basis, defied God’s prohibitions and fomented trouble. She banished God from the hearts of men with her dancing, singing and poetry, because she was possessed by the Devil of art. This woman must bleed to death and be tortured in the grave before she received eternal torment. In the grave she would hang from her hair, and in hell she would hang by the neck so that her lower half would burn first. The fire would then move to the upper part of her body until it reached the two eyes with their two pupils that had tormented him day and night.
In the darkness his imagination transported him far away. His body quivered with pleasure when he imagined her in pain. His soul rejoiced to see her blood streaming on the ground, just as the god of the Torah was elated to see the blood flowing from the cut off piece of flesh from the masculine member. His heart exulted in the sight of killing and violence. Ahmed al-Damhiri used to shoot little birds with his sling. As the bird fell bleeding, his eyes sparkled with joy. He ran toward it and held it between his fingers. He severed the head from the body, tore it apart and scattered the pieces in the air. He watched the little soft feathers as they flew into the horizon and disappeared.
Since childhood, his father taught him to be violent in order to make a man of him. His mother, like his father, told him, “You’re a man like your father and grandfather and great-grandfather.”
His mother was intensely proud of him. She thanked God for giving her the gift of a male child, for males were superior to females by one degree, as God in his Glorious Book had pointed out. Men were the maintainers of women, for they spent out of their own property. God preferred men to women because women were deficient in reason and religion. This was His wisdom and His will. Women were born of a crooked rib that could never be straightened. If one tried, it might break. A crooked rib was beyond redemption or repair.
His mother was awarded the Model Mother Prize. The more keenly aware a woman was of her deficiencies, the more pious she became and the closer she got to receiving state awards. The more a man enjoyed the sight of blood, the closer he became to the Torah god whose anger disappeared when he smelled the blood flowing from the piece of flesh cut off with the knife or the razor, even when it belonged to an eight-day-old baby. God’s covenant with the children of Israel was that they should cut off this piece of flesh in return for the Promised Land, the land of Canaan or Palestine. As soon as Moses’ mother saw anger in the eyes of God, she held the knife and spilled blood. The god was never so pleased as when he smelled roasted flesh.
Ahmed al-Damhiri closed his eyes and soared with his imagination, opening his nostrils to the smell of roasting. He was God’s deputy on earth and his heart was filled with faith and acceptance of God’s commandments as they were laid down in his three Holy Books:
And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand ... And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he let him go: then she said, A bloody husband thou art, because of the circumcision.
[...]
And the LORD spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and stretch out thine hand upon the waters of Egypt, upon their streams, upon their rivers, and upon their ponds, and upon all their pools of water, that they may become blood; and that there may be blood throughout all the land of Egypt, both in vessels of wood, and in vessels of stone. And Moses and Aaron did so, as the LORD commanded; and he lifted up the rod, and smote the waters that were in the river, in the sight of Pharaoh, and in the sight of his servants; and all the waters that were in the river were turned to blood.
[...]
And the LORD spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch forth thine hand with thy rod over the streams, over the rivers, and over the ponds, and cause frogs to come up upon the land of Egypt.
[...]
And the LORD said unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may become lice throughout all the land of Egypt. And they did so; for Aaron stretched out his hand with his rod, and smote the dust of the earth, and it became lice in man, and in beast; all the dust of the land became lice throughout all the land of Egypt. [...] Then the magicians said unto Pharaoh, This is the finger of God: [...] Else, if thou wilt not let my people go, behold, I will send swarms of flies upon thee, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people, and into thy houses: and the houses of the Egyptians shall be full of swarms of flies, and also the ground whereon they are. [...] thou mayest know that I am the LORD in the midst of the earth. [...]And the LORD did so; and there came a grievous swarm of flies into the house of Pharaoh, and into his servants’ houses, and into all the land of Egypt: the land was corrupted by reason of the swarm of flies.
[...]
And the LORD did that thing on the morrow, and all the cattle of Egypt died: but of the cattle of the children of Israel died not one.
[...]
And it shall become small dust in all the land of Egypt, and shall be a boil breaking forth with blains upon man, and upon beast, throughout all the land of Egypt.
[...]
For now I will stretch out
my hand, that I may smite thee and thy people with pestilence; and thou shalt be cut off from the earth.
And in very deed for this cause have I raised thee up, for to shew in thee my power; and that my name may be declared throughout all the earth.
[...]
Behold, tomorrow about this time I will cause it to rain a very grievous hail, such as hath not been in Egypt since the foundation thereof even until now.
Send therefore now, and gather thy cattle, and all that thou hast in the field; for upon every man and beast which shall be found in the field, and shall not be brought home, the hail shall come down upon them, and they shall die.
[...]
And Moses stretched forth his rod toward heaven: and the LORD sent thunder and hail, and the fire ran along upon the ground; and the LORD rained hail upon the land of Egypt. So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous, such as there was none like it in all the land of Egypt since it became a nation. And the hail smote throughout all the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast; and the hail smote every herb of the field, and brake every tree of the field. Only in the land of Goshen, where the children of Israel were, was there no hail.
[...]
And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left.
[...]
And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand toward heaven, that there may be darkness over the land of Egypt, even darkness which may be felt. And Moses stretched forth his hand toward heaven; and there was a thick darkness in all the land of Egypt three days: They saw not one another, neither rose any from his place for three days: but all the children of Israel had light in their dwellings.
[...]
And Moses said, Thus saith the LORD, About midnight will I go out into the midst of Egypt: And all the firstborn in the land of Egypt shall die, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill; and all the firstborn of beasts. And there shall be a great cry throughout all the land of Egypt, such as there was none like it, nor shall be like it any more. But against any of the children of Israel shall not a dog move his tongue, against man or beast: that ye may know how that the LORD doth put a difference between the Egyptians and Israel.
[...]
For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast; and against all the gods of Egypt I will execute judgment: I am the LORD.
And the blood shall be to you for a token upon the houses where ye are: and when I see the blood, I will pass over you, and the plague shall not be upon you to destroy you, when I smite the land of Egypt.
[...]
And it came to pass, that at midnight the LORD smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the firstborn of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the firstborn of cattle.
[...]
And God spake all these words, saying, I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
[...]
Ye shall not make with me gods of silver, neither shall ye make unto you gods of gold. An altar of earth thou shalt make unto me, and shalt sacrifice thereon thy burnt offerings, and thy peace offerings, thy sheep, and thine oxen.
Ahmed al-Damhiri woke in the middle of the night to read the three Holy Books, starting with the Torah, the Bible, and then the Qur’an. His conscience was uneasy, for he hated the image of the god and his voice. It was a god who revelled in scenes of destruction and war, and in the sight of bloodshed all over the earth, a god who took revenge for the sins of the fathers on innocent children. Ahmed al-Damhiri shivered to think that God might crush him as He crushed Pharaoh and his slaves. His bed might be attacked by lice, locusts, frogs, cockroaches, and beetles. Since his childhood, he had been afraid of insects. He couldn’t sleep in the same room as a cockroach or a mosquito. He heard his mother scream when she saw a cockroach running on the floor or a mosquito coming from the window to hover around her head. She screamed out so loudly that he quivered and fell off the bed. She carried him in her arms and rocked him in order to calm him down.
“Don’t worry, my darling, I’m here with you. I don’t know why God has sent us all these cockroaches? All these mosquitoes? Although I’ve sprayed the whole house with insecticides.”
Ahmed al-Damhiri fell asleep. He saw the people of Egypt win the battle of the locusts, the cockroaches, and mosquitoes over God.
God hadn’t discovered insecticides yet, but the people of Egypt had an old civilization. They built the pyramids and the obelisks. They discovered the sciences of medicine, astronomy, and engineering. The children of Israel worked as servants and slaves in our homes. The Torah was full of lies.
When he was a child, he heard his father say, “The Torah had been altered, my son. The words of God got confused with the words of human beings. But the Qur’an is a hundred per cent God’s words, no changes and no distortions. The state of Israel was built on lies, deceit, killing, and bloodshed. The Palestinian people are being exterminated, son. Israel is a country of killers and therefore deserves extermination, not us Egyptians. We could have thrown Israel into the sea had it not been supported by imperialism, son.”
“Is imperialism stronger than God, then, Dad?”
“No, son. God is stronger than all. But God is angry with us, son.”
“Why is He angry with us, Dad?”
Ahmed al-Damhiri arose from sleep, having forgotten his dreams and his childish questions. He forgot the faces of his father and mother. Nothing remained in his memory but the face of Zeina Bint Zeinat. If her face appeared from behind the clouds, all the other faces would disappear, including that of God. The black clouds crouching over the city would vanish as though her face were a piece of the sun and her eyes two stars sparkling in the horizon. Her eyes energized him and inspired joy and hope in his heart. He quickly jumped out of bed and stood under the shower, vigorously rubbing his chest and belly. Warm blood rushed to his heart and he felt the accelerating heartbeats pulsing in the palm of his hand. He repeated her name with the pulse, “Zeina Bint Zeinat, Zeina Bint Zeinat”. He put on his elegant new suit and shaved his moustache and beard.
“But what’s the connection between body hair and faith in our heart?” Satan whispered to him.
He shaved his pubic hair, sprayed eau de cologne under his shaved armpits, and gargled some mouthwash. He placed a mint or cinnamon tablet under his tongue to refresh his soul and dispel his hesitation and despair. He filled his chest with the smell of mint and cloves as he imagined her in his arms, smelling his fresh breath as he bit her lower lip with his teeth. He encircled her slim waist with his arms, descending to her firm, recalcitrant buttocks. They were the buttocks of a wild mare that would not be mounted or subdued. She united masculine strength with feminine gentleness, and danced like an unruly horse without an owner or a bridle. The earth shook under her feet. Her voice flowed softly and gently like the whisper of a heart, and strongly and angrily like the rumbling of waves. Contradictions existed in strange harmony in her heart, in a balance which came close to imbalance, in a kind of self-love that amounted to self-denial.
He drove the car to her house, hoping to be alone with her without his driver or his guards. Darkness fell while he was still on the way. The sun set early and a cold breeze crept into his body and under his clothes. He trembled
with a vague kind of fear, and a tremor overtook him in anticipation of pleasure. Fear and pleasure coexisted in his heart. The moon appeared from behind the clouds. It was connected in his mind with love and dreams. He stopped the car, uncertain whether he should go forward or retreat. Going forward implied the anticipation of those pleasures that had been suppressed from childhood, while retreating implied going back to safety and peace. His car moved forward with more determination toward happiness. He wished to melt in a bigger presence than his own, a larger spirit, a better body. He wanted to shed hot tears in her arms, the tears of dying at the height of pleasure, and the tears of regret because he hadn’t known anything in his life except his own misery.
He opened her door and tiptoed inside, fearing that any noise might take him out of his state of ecstasy. A faint light shone and a dreamy melody filtered from her bedroom. Everything was ready for the descent into the bottomless pit of pleasure. The door of the bedroom stood ajar. Bookshelves lined the walls up to the ceiling, and the dark book covers gave a kind of solemnity to the prospect of love-making. She sat playing the piano. He lifted her with his arms from the chair until their lips touched. Then he descended with her and, after placing her on the bed, he removed her white cotton dress. When he looked at her naked breasts, he saw that they were neither dark nor fair, but a transparent color that almost revealed her soul. As in his dreams, she didn’t give in to him but resisted him as a strong fort, a fort that nobody had invaded before him. He went into the battle with her in complete silence except for the noise of his hot breaths. His hands reached down to the center of lust in the folds of her flesh. He restricted her movement on the bed, like a trainer stopping a ferocious bull with a single gesture or an angry look. But the bull jumped up in one instant and dug its teeth into the flesh of his naked shoulder.