Full Circle (Shattered Lives, Book Five)

by Rissa Blakeley

  “Would you have, though? I mean… We weren’t on the best terms as husband and wife. I was in a bad place as a human being. Everything told me you would’ve freaked out if I told you about the plan.” I jabbed my finger at her. “You would’ve thrown yourself in front of the fucking plane, Elaina.” I sat back in the chair, crossing my arms. “You know that’s the bloody truth.”

  She scoffed. “Why would you say that?”

  “Because the only help you could understand was to see a therapist. Elaina, if didn’t leave, it would’ve ended very ugly. Plain and simple. I would’ve turned and could’ve killed one of you. Hurt my son worse than I have.” I stared at her for a long, tense moment. “I died while under their care.”

  “I’m sorry?” she said, tilting her head to the side. “You look like you’re breathing to me.”

  “I coded…died…no pulse…no breathing. Obviously, they brought me back. We can go into the details about the treatments another time, but let’s just say I was sicker than during my alcohol detox.”

  She flinched. “Must have been bad then.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Severe dehydration brought on the cardiac arrest. With all the sickness, I lost around thirty pounds.”

  She stared at me, trying gauge the truth. “I’m sorry you went through that,” she finally said, then took a sip of her coffee. “I want to believe all of this, I really do, but you have to understand how difficult it is for me to believe anything that comes out of your mouth.”

  I pulled off my sunglasses so she could see the evidence.

  Elaina gasped and sat forward, pulling up my hat, staring into my eyes. “What happened to the green? Now they look like…” She shut her eyes for a moment and shook her head, then sat back in her chair. “I’ll never forget what he did to me on that ship.”

  I could kill him again a thousand times over for what he did to her and my mother.

  “Nicky has the same eyes, but we’ve always told him they were a mix of Anne’s and yours. I couldn’t burden him with the truth.”

  When I reached out and took her hand, she gasped and pulled away.

  “You’re warm, too?”

  “Yeah. I’m normal.” I stared into her eyes, mine welling with tears again. “Elaina, I’m so sorry. I cannot apologize enough. I’m livid with myself for missing out on everything.” I glanced over at my son. “Watching him grow up and become a man.” I glanced at my daughter. “Missing out on her birth and life. It wasn’t an easy choice, but it was the only one.” I cleared the coarseness from my throat, embarrassed by my emotional state. “I didn’t know what else to do. Spent, done, nothing left to give. I burdened everyone. My life may very well have ended just as Erik and I staged. The last night you and I were together, I faked every smile, every laugh, every wink, every word that came from my mouth. I was a dead man walking. I wanted to get better, then come back to you and give you everything you deserved.”

  “I’m deeply hurt by this, Hen…” She shook her head. “I mean, Luke. Sorry.”

  “It’s fine. You have every right to be hurt or angry or both. I don’t blame you for anything you’re feeling. I would never deny you that. But the chances of survival from the treatment were, at best, fifty percent. My mum, you, and Nicky were…are better off without me.”

  “I don’t even want to debate that, considering Anne is thrilled to see you again and Nicky wants to have a relationship with you.”

  “After I was cured, I came back. I stayed in a hotel for about a week before I had the bollocks to come see you. I grabbed a cup of coffee at a diner, taking a seat in the back corner of the patio to contemplate my next move. Then I saw you walk in. So beautiful and smiling, and my lad looked as happy as could be. It was almost as if I were meant to see you and go to you, but then…” I picked up my coffee and leaned back in the chair, remembering the details like the moment happened yesterday. I took a sip, savoring the sweetness during this bitter moment. “He came out.”

  “Who?” she asked, seemingly confused.

  “Will. Do you remember what he did to me?”

  “I didn’t know who he was until Gunther pointed it out, then gave it to him pretty good.” I smiled, chuckling a bit. “I don’t find it the least bit humorous. Will said he knew when he saw the framed photo of us, but he feared losing me and kept quiet. He helped bring me out of my depressed state that you left me in.”

  “How could you forgive him? He sucker-punched me during a kickboxing session.”

  “Yeah, I know what he did. He said he grew up afterward because he realized he acted like an ass.” A sneer lifted her lips. “You should ditch the grudge. It’s very unbecoming.”

  “And there’s more of the Elaina I know,” I muttered, swiping my hand through the air.

  “We might as well speak all the truth, right? Isn’t that why you’re here? To tell me the truth?” She jabbed her finger on the tabletop, making the coffee slosh. “I was in bed for two months before I could live again. I took a sledgehammer to your bike and that fucking shed. I hate what you did to us. I hated you then…” She pursed her lips and shook her head. “How do I even know you are telling me the truth now?”

  I turned my head to the side and rubbed my neck. “I get it, Elaina. I fucked up…again. That’s why I didn’t make myself known and force myself back into your perfect, white picket fence world.” I thumbed my chest. “I’m a fuck-up. Always have been. Always will be. That’s just how it is for me.”

  “I’m not in the mood to hear your self-loathing, pity-filled whininess.” She added an eye roll for emphasis.

  I stared at her for a moment. “Are you for real right now? You just said—”

  She held up her hand. “Don’t get pissy with me. Finish telling me about your trip here after you were treated.”

  I sighed, not enjoying the banter. “Right. When I saw him walk up to you and kiss you, I wanted to storm over there and tear him limb from limb. Then I saw he had a baby with him. My first thought was I couldn’t believe you had a baby with the cunt.” I had to stop speaking as the scene flooded my mind. I needed to settle the anger brewing. Deep breaths. After a minute, I continued. “I was furious you were with him, even angrier you had a baby with him.” I took a few more deep breaths, pacing myself. “So I sat and watched your suburbanite family, then I saw something. Something I had never seen before.”

  “What?” she asked softly.

  “You were happy.”

  “There were times I was happy with you.”

  “It was different. You were radiant, glowing. I had never seen you so happy before. The smile you gave him was one you never showed me, even when we exchanged vows.” I locked gazes with her, both of us getting emotional. “When the baby fussed, he handed her to you, then took Nicky off your lap, settling him on his. As you fed her, I watched my lad’s reactions to Will. His little toddler body language told me everything.” I let out a loud breath. “You see, I brought misery and complicated bullshit to your life. I ruined you.”

  She stared at me for a moment, lips parted. “You didn’t ruin me. Don’t say shit like that. I’m quite happy and calm now.”

  “I’m happy for you. I hurt you in so many ways. I can’t take back anything I did, but I can apologize and try to make up for it now.” Embarrassed, I looked away from her. “I don’t know how, though.”

  “Why did you leave again?” she asked, emotions gripping her throat.

  “I couldn’t bring Hurricane Henry back to you. When I saw you with Will, you were everything I wanted with you, but none of it was because of me. I loved you so much that I walked away so you could remain your best self.”

  Tears trickled down her face.

  My knee-jerk reaction was to kiss them away, hold her, but my heart belonged to another…as did Elaina’s. Although I fucking hated that Will Jarvis filled the black hole in her life.

  Loving her was no longer my truth. The obsession ended. The addiction gone.

  Henry and Elaina were done.

&n
bsp; I thought of Michelle and all the wonderful moments we had over the past twenty years. She healed me. Accepted my quirks. Never put me down. Worked hard to build me up. Made me feel a comfortable confidence, even when I didn’t always make the right choices.

  My feelings for Elaina were in the past. I couldn’t wait to tell Michelle how much I loved her. Proud of myself, I faced the fear, the worry that Elaina had stolen most of my heart for an eternity.

  Luke and Michelle… A healthy relationship based on the vulnerability of one man who was no longer afraid to live.

  I gazed at Elaina. “You looked at me,” I said, putting my cup of coffee to my lips.

  “What?”

  “When I stood and walked out, I went through the gate just past your table. You looked up and—”

  “Oh, my god!” she interrupted, slapping her hands over her mouth. Muffled, she said, “I remember now.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I even said something to Will about how I thought the man looked like you. He told me I transferred my thoughts and feelings onto someone who had a similar look. Oh, fun fact. Will asked me to marry him shortly afterward.”

  “How very cliché of him…” I faked a smile.

  “It was very sweet.”

  “Does he treat you well?”

  “Yeah. I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t.”

  I raised a brow. “You were with me and I wasn’t Husband of the Year material.”

  “That’s different.”

  “How so?”

  “Stop,” she snapped. “Just stop.”

  “How about the kids?”

  “For the most part, he’s their father figure and has to lay down the law once in a while.” She fussed with a napkin. “We’ve had a few challenges with them. I caught Nick getting high with his friends when he thought I was going to be gone longer than I was.”

  “Both kids need to stay away from drugs and alcohol with it running on my side. How did you handle it?”

  “Will was pissed and we punished accordingly. Nick also cut classes in high school quite a few times. After the resource officer called me and said one more and they would expel him, Will punished him good and hard. It was what he needed. He cleaned up his act. I’m so proud of the man he has become.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “Please tell me it wasn’t physical.”

  “No. He took the day off work and completely cleaned out his room. All he had was a blanket, a pillow, and two changes of clothes. Will forced him to earn everything back.”

  “Oh wow… I’m glad it worked out.”

  “Me, too. Then with Charlotte…” Tears welled in her eyes again. She grabbed another napkin, catching them as they fell. I reached for her hand once more, grasping it. “She has some serious issues.” She sucked in a deep breath and blew it out. “We’re at a loss with her.”

  “Like what?” I didn’t even need to ask.

  “It’s mostly depression and anxiety, but her lows can get quite low. We’re in a very low time right now.” She released my hand and blotted her tears again. “She self-harms. Razor cuts scar her legs and arms. I just got her home from the hospital again two weeks ago. This was the longest stay yet. She was there for three months. They released her because they felt she would function better if she got back to a routine.”

  “Jesus. What can I do to help?” My heart broke for my lass. I turned and gazed at her for a moment, understanding her pain and heartache, feeling responsible for her state of mind. “Is she okay? I mean…” I shook my head and faced Elaina again. “Is she going to be stable?”

  “I have her in therapy twice a week. Between that and medications, she’s come a long way. She’s had a rough time these past couple months. Will has been a rock for her. Me, on the other hand? A bumbling mess. I saw the therapist early this morning to make sure meeting you would be a good thing for her.”

  “And…?”

  “He felt that seeing you may heal some wounds, but I don’t know. She’s been locked up tight ever since I sat with her last night and talked to her about it. She refused to come with me up until a few minutes before we left.”

  “Elaina, if there’s anything I can do to help, please, let me know. It doesn’t matter what it is, even if you want to send her to live with me. I’m prepared to step up and do anything for the kids.”

  “I’m not sure. I’m definitely not ready to discuss her moving in with you. She doesn’t even know you. But thank you.” That hurt a bit, but I understood and would do my best to prove myself. She sipped her coffee, then said, “We Coopers are a tough crew.”

  “Jarvises.”

  Her gaze left mine, settling on the cup in front of her. “I wanted us to be a proper family with the same name so no one made assumptions or looked at my kids as if they weren’t good enough. So Will adopted both of them, changing their last name.”

  “People still behave that way after all these years?”

  “Yes. It’s fucking ridiculous. The Westerners look down on the Easterners like we all have the virus. It’s a mess. There’s so much hatred, it makes me sick. I wanted to make sure they had a decent shot at a successful life. Cora and Gunther did the same with their crew.”

  “I understand. It was a good decision.”

  “I believe so, too.” She picked apart the napkin. “Nick said you have a girlfriend.”

  “Yeah. It’s sort of like that at the moment.”

  She looked up at me. “What does that mean?”

  “We own a bookstore together. We live separately, but are a couple. I bought the whole building and remodeled the upper levels into two flats and a gym. She lives in the big flat. I live in the tiny one-bedroom. Third floor is our gym space.”

  “Sounds like everything’s good. What’s her name?”

  “Michelle.” I dug into my pocket and pulled out my phone, seeing her picture on the lock screen. I smiled as I turned the phone to Elaina. “This is her. She saved me.”

  “She’s pretty.” Grabbing the phone, she glanced up at me and smiled. “You look smitten.”

  I laughed. “Yeah. Nick said I have it bad. I think things will change for us in the near future.”

  “Good changes?”

  I nodded. “For sure. I found it difficult to leave her.”

  Elaina looked at the picture one last time before handing the phone back. “I imagine it would be. She looks fit. Is she a fitness buff like you?”

  “Yeah,” I said, still smiling. “It’s nice to have a workout partner. We push each other. Almost too much, but it’s good for us.”

  Elaina looked up at me. “Do you love her?”

  “Ass over tit.” She laughed. “She worked hard to get me well. I will always be in her debt.”

  “Getting you well?” she asked, tilting her head.

  “She was my daytime nurse at the facility. Erik hired a team of highly trained people to provide around-the-clock care.”

  “Soooo…when and how did you start dating?” she asked, sounding skeptical.

  “Long after I decided to leave New York again. Having no other options, I went back to London. Michelle didn’t leave a forwarding address, but I bumped into an old friend who helped me locate her place. I showed up on her front stoop soaking wet, out of money, and in desperate need of help. She offered me the couch until I could get enough money together to pay rent somewhere else. It took a couple weeks, but I found a well-paying job managing a department store. Then things changed for us.” Pausing, I tried to choose my words carefully. “After about six months, she invited me into her bed. But this is me we’re talking about here. When my head clouded with fear and worry, I knew it was time for space. Being attached to someone again had me fearing I’d dig up old habits. When a flat two doors down became available, I moved out. We talked every evening, occasionally staying the night at each other’s place.”

  “Are you committed to her?”

  “Like marriage?” Elaina nodded. “I’m not sure what the future holds. We mostly
live in the now. But yes, I’m committed to our relationship. I love her. I just don’t say it enough.”

  “Would you like to be married to her?”

  I glanced off to the side, thinking about how upset Michelle was. “She cried last night. Sobbed, to be more exact. She fears I won’t come back to her. It pains me to see her so insecure.”

  “It sounds like it’s time to move forward, open up to a bigger change. Then maybe she wouldn’t have so much fear over all this.”

  “Yeah. I agree.” I drew in a breath and exhaled. “There were a couple times we were going to live together, but…” I looked down at the blue bands around my arm. “I’m not sure I can talk about it right now. It’s still very difficult.”

  “Let’s change the subject then.”

  “Please.”

  “How did she go from a nurse to a bookstore owner?”

  “After a shift one night, she came to my door a complete mess. Red-rimmed eyes, tear-stained cheeks, and tousled hair… It was obvious she had been crying. I held her, made her tea, massaged her neck, then carried her to my bed, wrapping her in every warm blanket I could find. She had lost a patient. A child she had been working with for years.” I paused, thinking about our own tragedies, which contributed to her breakdown. I cleared my throat. “So I convinced her to quit.”

  She narrowed her gaze at me. “I feel like you’re not telling me something.”

  “I can’t… Fuck.” I scrubbed my hands over my face, trying to suppress my emotions. “In due time, Elaina. I just can’t right now. I’m already overwhelmed.”

  “I can respect that. You’re not required to be an open book.”

  “Thank you for that. I appreciate it. We spent some time talking it over and she said she would love to have books surrounding her. So I bought her a building, and here we are.” I spread my arms out. “Successful bookstore owners.”

  “Nick said it’s doing well.”

  “Yeah. The profits have been through the roof. It’s been a wild ride, but we’ve loved every minute of it.”

  “I’m happy for you, but… Why didn’t you bring her along?”