Jack Hammer

by Tabatha Vargo

  Knowing he’d lost his parents, I was glad he didn’t know about the loss of our baby. Maybe everything happened for a reason. Maybe Blaine couldn’t have handled it. While it was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through in my life, knowing what I knew now, I could say I was kind of glad he wasn’t there to go through it, too.

  “So, the guys at the club are throwing me a going away party. Think you might want to be my date?” he asked.

  He looked up at me with swollen, red eyes, and his voice was raspy and full of sleep as I played with his hair. His head was lying in my lap and I could feel his warm breath on my thigh.

  “I think I’d like that a lot.”

  I held him until he fell asleep in my arms, and with guilt heavy on my heart, I finally went to sleep, too.

  41

  CHELSEY

  I COULDN’T SAY ALL THE MEMORIES in The Golden Banana were bad. Just thinking of the ways we’d had sex in the back room warmed me. And while I was happy he wasn’t working there anymore, the guilt of being the reason for his decision was strong.

  Things were going great between us, and I was happy. Actually, I was happier than I’d been since before Blaine left. There was only one problem. Being back with Blaine was bringing up old wounds, and I was having a hard time dealing with them.

  It hurt to look into his eyes and wonder if our baby would’ve had his same icy blues, or his smile, or his olive skin. Then the pain that followed those questions was soul crushing.

  It was an ache I thought I’d gotten over a long time ago, but I wasn’t so sure anymore. The one year anniversary of the night I lost the baby was rapidly approaching.

  Lost.

  Like the baby was a set a keys or my favorite lip-gloss. Like I’d set the baby down somewhere and forgotten where I’d put it. Just thinking of how the doctor said those words made me want to kick something.

  I felt myself pulling away and withdrawing from Blaine, but I didn’t know how to stop it from happening. I wanted to be with Blaine more than anything, but I wasn’t sure how to heal the piece of my heart he’d destroyed when he left.

  I stared up at the sign for The Golden Banana and took a deep breath. The rocks popped beneath my shoes as I dragged myself toward the entrance. I just needed to put on a happy face for Blaine’s party and everything would work itself out. It had to.

  Pulling open the door, light filled the usually dim club. The house lights were on and the music wasn’t as loud. The roar of laughter and talking filled my ears, before everyone turned toward me. I smiled, letting the door shut behind me. I looked over the familiar faces, but I didn’t see Blaine. The group greeted me as I worked myself across the room. Then Lynn was there, smiling and hugging me.

  “You’re here! What took you so long?” she asked.

  She swung her arm over my shoulders and pulled me to her while she tugged me along.

  I laughed. “I’m only five minutes late. Where’s Blaine?”

  “Everyone’s over here admiring the beautiful Layla.”

  “Who’s Layla?”

  “She’s Bobby and Melinda’s new bundle of joy.”

  I’d barely heard her words over the ringing in my ears. I was sure my ear drums were going to explode. Marshall moved over to make room for me and Lynn, and that’s when I saw Blaine.

  I felt paralyzed but the sight. My mind told me to run, but I unable to turn away. My knees locked into place, and a wave of dizziness rolled across me. I couldn’t do anything but stare at Blaine. He was holding the tiny, baby girl in his arms, making her look even smaller than she actually was.

  He smiled down into her little face and laughed when she cooed up at him. There was some tension in his arms, but he held the baby protectively to his chest.

  I heard everyone’s voices, but everything became muffled. Questions were being asked, and everyone laughed at something Blaine was saying. My eyes moved over his smiling face, and when he looked up at me, he winked.

  I blinked, releasing myself from the daze I’d entered.

  “Come on, Blaine. You’re a natural,” Marshall teased. “Can’t you see yourself with a mini Jack Hammer?”

  Everyone laughed, and once again Blaine found my gaze. I didn’t know what I looked like, but his expression shifted and worry moved across his brows.

  “Cut it out, guys. You’re going to freak out, Chelsey.”

  Blaine stood and leaned over to kiss the baby’s forehead, before handing her back to Melinda.

  He took a step toward me, but I moved away from him, afraid if he touched me I’d crumble.

  “Chelsey? Are you okay?” Lynn asked, touching my arm.

  “Don’t,” I snapped, pulling my arm back.

  “Chelsey,” Blaine called my name slowly.

  Everyone was staring at me and the way I was reacting. Why wouldn’t they be? I was obviously freaking out. Still, their eyes on me made me sweat. I could almost hear their accusations. Everyone knew. They all knew I’d lost our baby, and they were blaming me with their accusing eyes.

  I knew I was being irrational. Only two people in the room knew about my loss, and I was one of them, but still, my panicked brain was feeding me lies.

  Turning around, I fled to the bathroom and locked the door behind me.

  Lynn and Blaine begged me to open the door from the other side, but I covered my ears to block out their voices. Squeezing my eyes shut, I only made it worse. All I could see was Blaine holding the baby. The memories of the pungent smell of my own blood and the pain I felt pushed against my brain, tearing me apart and crushing my heart.

  Falling into the nearest stall, I lost everything I had in my stomach until I was dry heaving. I collapsed to the floor, unable to control the tears as they rushed down my cheeks. Mascara smeared into my eyes, burning them like fire.

  The pounding on the door matched my erratic heartbeat. Again, I covered my ears and dug my forehead into my lap.

  I was drowning so deep in my own suffering that I hadn’t even realized Blaine had broken in the bathroom door until I felt his hands on my face. He was calling my name over and over again, but I couldn’t respond. Suddenly, there was nothing underneath me anymore, and Blaine held me protectively as he cradled me against his chest like he had the tiny, baby girl.

  I was lost in another bout of tears, the room around me blurring away as Blaine held me close. He carried me from the bathroom and toward the exit of the club. I heard Lynn next to us as she followed us toward the doors.

  “I’m sorry, Chelsey. I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry,” she cried.

  “What are you talking about, Lynn? What the fuck is going on?” Blaine demanded, opening his car door and setting me inside.

  I didn’t hear her response, but I prayed she kept my secret.

  When he got in the car he turned toward me, his worried eyes moved over my face.

  “Look at me, Chelsey,” he demanded.

  I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t think about everything he represented. It hurt too much.

  “Chelsey,” he said in warning. “I’m not fucking around. Look at me!”

  “Take me home, Blaine,” I demanded

  My voice was broken and rough. I didn’t even sound like myself.

  “Why can’t you look at me?”

  “Please just take me home. I want to go home.”

  He didn’t say anything for a long minute, and then he turned and his car roared to life. The sound was familiar, and it put me at ease as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove us toward home.

  **********

  I DIDN’T KNOW WHY I WAS THERE, but it didn’t seem to matter as I drowned another shot. I’d lost count of how many I’d had. It’s not like it mattered, numbers seemed obsolete at that point. All I knew was my face was numb and the room around me felt tilted.

  I’d let Charles and a few of his friends drag me to one of the frat houses for a big end of the semester party. In truth, I hadn’t seen Charles since we got there. I’d taken up pos
t by their makeshift bar while one of the frat boys fed me Jello shots.

  My phone vibrated in my back pocket for the hundredth time, but I already knew who it was without even looking.

  Blaine.

  I hadn’t spoken to him since he’d brought me home from his going away party and tucked me into bed. I refused to talk to him. He had too many questions I didn’t want to answer. He wanted to be a good boyfriend and talk about the things that were bothering me, but I was so far beyond talking. I couldn’t even look at him. I just wanted him to go away until my head was right again, which I was beginning to think might never happen. I was beginning to think I’d never be able to move past my past.

  He was reluctant to leave me, but when he realized I wasn’t going to talk to him, he kissed my forehead and left my side. When he left, I crawled from my bed and went to my dresser. Pulling open the top drawer, my fingers moved across the folded piece of paper I kept tucked away.

  The paper was creased down the middle from the many times it had been folded and unfolded, but still, the image of the tiny, blurred figure could still be seen.

  I ran my finger over the little heart and sucked in a deep gulp of air. The heartache left me weak. Crawling back in my bed, I pulled the blanket over my head, locking the away the world and holding the only evidence of what Blaine and I created close to my heart.

  I hadn’t talked to him since and as his name lit my cell screen, I ignored the call. I held the side button down until my phone went black. Shoving the phone back into my pocket, I tried to put Blaine out of my mind with another Jello shot.

  “Don’t you think you should take it easy?” the frat boy asked as he handed me another one.

  “Nope,” I said, squeezing the cool goo into my mouth.

  My mouth was numb, and I could no longer taste the bitter bite of liquor that laced the Jello.

  “Alright,” he said.

  The way he said it made me want to target him when I felt the need to throw up.

  “Why are you ignoring my phones calls?” Blaine said behind me.

  His voice was deadly, and it sent chills up my spine. I wasn’t surprised he’d found me. I’d expected him to show up sooner or later, but I preferred later.

  “What are you doing here, Blaine?”

  “You know what I’m doing here. If you had answered my calls you could’ve avoided what’s about to go down.”

  “I have nothing to talk to you about,” I slurred.

  “The hell you don’t,” he roared.

  “Hey, buddy—” Frat boy bartender interrupted.

  “I’m not your fucking buddy,” Blaine snapped. “Stay out of this, kid. I’m not in the fucking mood.”

  The guy glared at Blaine, wanting to say something more, but luckily he backed away, leaving me and Blaine there alone.

  “We’re leaving right now, Chelsey. I’m taking you home.”

  “I’m sorry you came all the way over here, Blaine, but I’m not going home. It’s a party. Have some fun. Better yet,” I raised my voice, spinning in my chair to face him. “Why don’t you find the nearest table and start stripping. I’m sure everyone will love that!”

  “You’re being a real pain in my ass right now, Chelsey.”

  I laughed.

  “No, I’m being a bitch.”

  “Your words, sweetheart.”

  I glared at him. “Just go away, Blaine. You’re killing my buzz.”

  I went to turn around, but his hand caught mine firmly, keeping me from spinning my chair around and away from him.

  “You’re out of your fucking mind if you think I’m going anywhere without your drunk ass.” His words were lethal.

  We glared at each other, the room around us disappearing, and then his expression shifted. Sadness filled his eyes as they moved over his face and my rage subsided a bit.

  “Chelsey,” he whispered. “What’s wrong, baby? Why won’t you talk to me? Tell me what I did so I can try to fix it.”

  Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to talk about it. Especially considering what day it was. One year ago to the day I’d lost our baby. I just wanted to drown it all away with alcohol until I passed out. I didn’t want to be conscious again until the day was over, and the sun of a new day was blazing.

  “I’m not doing this, Blaine. I can’t.”

  I slid off my chair and stumbled a little before catching my balance on the edge of the bar. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been drinking, but I was definitely aware of it now. The world spun and Blaine split into two.

  Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and then tried to walk past him, but I nearly fell into him in my attempt.

  “Jesus,” he cursed, grabbing my arm and pulling me toward the door.

  “Let go of me, Blaine,” I growled, yanking my arm from him.

  I stumbled back and into something firm. Two large hands came up and held onto my biceps, keeping me upright and against the wall of heat at my back. When I looked up, I recognized the guy holding me as one of the frat guys.

  “Sounds to me like the lady doesn’t want you bothering her anymore.” His deep voice rumbled against my back and I squirmed to move away from the feeling.

  Blaine’s jaw tightened, the pulse in the side of his neck pounding hard and fast against his skin. Fury filled his eyes as he stared at the hands holding my arms, and then his eyes found mine. Again, a chill tingled down my spine. Things weren’t going to end well, and the last thing I wanted was anyone getting hurt.

  “Get. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off. Her,” Blaine threatened.

  The guy behind me stiffened, his hard chest pressing into my back. “Or else what?”

  “You really want to do this here, frat boy? I’m feeling pretty murderous right now, and I’d be more than happy to take my anger out on you.”

  “Blaine, stop it. Let’s just go.”

  I tried to move toward Blaine, but the hands holding me tightened, keeping me in place.

  “Forget it, baby. You don’t have to go anywhere with this guy. He’ll be leaving now anyway.”

  “I told you to get your fucking hands off her,” Blaine growled between his teeth. “So help me, I’ll break your fucking face.”

  “These hands?” the guy holding me asked.

  He moved his fingers, brushing the sides of my breasts, and I stiffened.

  Pulling against his hands, I grunted in frustration. And then everything moved quickly. Even if I hadn’t been drunk, I still don’t think I could’ve focused on the movement around me.

  Blaine roared, coming toward the frat guy behind me, and I was tossed to the side. I landed against the bar, the edge cutting into my stomach. The sounds of bone against bone moved through the room, making my stomach turn.

  When I turned around, Blaine was on top of the guy, his fist connecting with his face over and over again.

  “Blaine!” I screamed, lunging for his arm and stopping him from hitting the guy again. “Stop!”

  Blaine was breathing hard, his nostrils flared with his breath.

  There was blood everywhere. It covered Blaine’s fist and was dripping from the guy’s face and down his clothes. The smell was too familiar and the brassy scent made the alcohol in my stomach lunge for an escape.

  “You should’ve fucking listened,” Blaine snarled and spit. It landed on the guy’s jacket and it was tinted with blood.

  Blaine wiped his mouth, and it was the first time I realized he’d been hit at least once. His lip was split, and blood was filling the corner of his mouth.

  “I’m going to be sick,” I groaned, stumbling forward.

  Blaine’s arms went around me as he steered me toward the exit and out the door. Throwing his arms off, I ran to the side of the yard just in time to lose everything in the bushes.

  As I threw up, I heard the music from the party continue in a drowned out buzz. It didn’t surprise me in the least that the party was going to continue.

  “Are you okay?” Blaine asked from behind me.

 
I didn’t answer him right away. Wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my jacket, I pulled it off and rolled it up, holding it close to my stomach. I felt more empty there than ever before.

  “Chelsey.” Blaine touched my arm and I flinched away. “Damn it, Chelsey. What the fuck is going on?”

  “I need to go home,” I said, walking away from him.

  “You’re not driving in your condition,” he snapped, following behind me.

  “I know that!” I yelled. “I wasn’t saying I was going to drive myself. They have safe drivers that’ll take me.”

  “Fuck that, I’m taking you,” he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me toward his car.

  I yanked as hard as I could, and he had no choice but to let go. “Don’t touch me!”

  He turned on me, his face tight with anger and frustration.

  “Why?” he yelled, throwing his arms up in the air. “What the hell is going on, Chelsey? What happened? What did I fucking miss? Why are you shutting me out? Why won’t you tell me why you’re so angry at me? I need to fix this, Chelsey. I need you!”

  I was shaking my head, my arms still wrapped around my middle. He reached out to touch my arm, but I pulled away.

  “I can’t. I just can’t,” I repeated.

  “You can,” he insisted. He moved closer, holding my face in his warm hands and forcing me to look at him. “Tell me what I did, Chelsey. Tell me.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore. All the torture and suffering I was facing inside exploded and the pain and hurt I’d pushed away and ignored, surfaced, breaking me from within. I snapped.

  “You killed our baby!”

  I knew when I said the words it was wrong to accuse him, but I was drunk and hurting. I’d spent the last year of my life blaming Blaine for the loss. The doctor told me stress could cause a miscarriage and Blaine was the reason I was so stressed.

  He stared down at me with wide, icy eyes, paralyzed with shock. I used his shock to push him away from me. I couldn’t handle him touching me, not when everything hurt.