EXcapades

by Kay, Debra

  “Blake, what are you talking about? We discussed in great detail what happened years ago. I thought we were past all of that.”

  I caught a pained looked that flashed across his face. “Believe it or not, I cared about you, about us. Once. . . .” As Blake continued to speak, the telephone rang. “Get that,” he said through gritted teeth. “I need to sort out my thoughts anyway.”

  I, too, was grateful to have a momentary change of focus.

  When I returned, he surprised me by slamming his fist on the back of the chair. “You broke my heart. I was upset for a long time. I got over it, of course, but I was really hurt. Youthful love carries some powerful feelings. Your first love stays in your heart . . . always.”

  “Yes.”

  He stared at me with an intensity I had not seen before now. I flinched as he spoke, looking away to avoid his searing gaze. “Be careful who you choose, right? Aren’t those your words? You were my heart’s desire. Now my heart is scarred deep. It grew cold around those scars.”

  “Mine, too.”

  Are the people who have become cold-hearted the ones who once cared too much?

  He rolled his head downward, staring from under lowered brows, and continued lecturing me. “Now just because you feel ready to love again, you just think I can forgive and forget. No way. Don’t get me wrong. The sex is still amazing, but sex is just sex.”

  He did not just say that.

  “Is that how you feel?”

  “As far as love, I just can’t love you back.”

  I must have looked like a small child staring bewildered at an angry grown-up as I asked in a voice higher than my own, “What about those times recently when you said I was all you ever needed? What about all of that?” My voice grew tighter. “Why did you tell me those things?”

  He looked down and could not meet my gaze. “I guess I’m creative. I enjoy writing a good story—but my stories are pure fiction.”

  I gasped and stared at him, my eyes full of pain. “Ouch. That stung.”

  “That’s why we need to stop seeing each other.” Blake just stood in rigid silence, staring at the wall. “I don’t want to lead you on or for you to think this is more than it is. And besides, I have to be honest, our breakup years ago taints my view of a future with you. Can you blame me?”

  I flinched. “I did end it abruptly years ago. Maybe we shouldn’t have tried it again.” I shook my head. “I thought we could try it as adults, but I guess our lives don’t mix at close range.” In the end, I guess none of our discussions really mattered if he was going to stay angry with me. But I felt the unrelenting urge to ask if we could keep trying. “Can’t we just have fun and enjoy each other? It’s not as if I’m proposing marriage here. Does it really have to be all or nothing?”

  In the silence that followed, I could hear Blake release a sigh.

  He smiled a twisted grin. “You’re completely unafraid because you have never been hurt by me before. Well, I

  have . . . so I walked very slowly into this one. And now it is time for me to leave.”

  “How can you say that when you haven’t even given us a second chance,” I said. I studied him with such intensity. “You have me craving an eggroll with sweet and sour sauce.”

  He looked at me curiously. “What in the world are you talking about now?”

  “You can be so sweet, but you can also be so damn sour.” Simultaneously, with the last word I spoke, I felt a slight throbbing discomfort in my side—fortunately, not quite as severe as the stabbing pain I usually felt.

  He glared. “Why do you think I’m sour, just because I have doubts and I’m not sure about any of this?”

  I shook my head. “Could we even take this relationship back to the level we had in college? Honestly, I don’t think either of us can feel that kind of love anymore.”

  “I know.”

  I pushed my fingers through my hair. “We have too many scars and walls that we have put up over the years. We have learned to be more guarded with our feelings, so we can’t be hurt as easily.”

  He said nothing for a moment. “Maybe it is better we not try again.”

  I gasped. “We know better than to jump in feet first. That naive innocence we once had is gone. I think we can still have something special. It’ll just be different.”

  We could never move forward if he kept looking back. Did I need to get on my knees and beg? Honestly, maybe Blake and I had nothing but a fling. Just because, I fell in love with him again, didn’t mean he had fallen in love with me. Now I had no choice but to face the truth; it was over.

  Suddenly the pain in my abdomen surged again; this time it surfaced as a sharp sensation that pressed inward. For the first time, I barely noticed, as if I could not even feel it through the ache in my heart.

  At that same moment, Blake must have registered the pained look that flashed across my face. He shot me a thoughtful glance. “I’m sorry if I upset you. I just didn’t think I could handle being hurt again. The first time tore me up. I can’t imagine what a second time would feel like,” he said, as gently as he could manage.

  He stepped toward me. Only a couple feet separated us.

  “Until this afternoon, I thought everything was going great,” I said. It might have been the sight of me so emotional, or in physical pain, that made Blake realize how much his words upset me. Something changed in his attitude.

  He smiled. “I didn’t fully realize how much I cared about you until I saw the way you reacted to my harsh words. But you don’t need to look so hurt anymore. I just saw it in your sad stare and heard it in your voice. You do want this relationship to work. And, honestly, so do I, more than anything,” he said, in a soothing voice.

  “I thought it was working.” I am confused now. My brain was buzzing.

  Blake hesitated. “I get it now—we both have feelings. But if you’re serious about having a relationship with me, then why did you tell me you were leaving me?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Lila, let me ask you something. Earlier today you told me in your mumbling state –when you were falling asleep—you said that you’re leaving me. Do you remember that one? Care to elaborate?”

  I shot him a puzzled glance. “Is that what you were upset about? I remember lying down on the bed, but after that it gets hazy. Was that what you heard me say? And was that what this sudden departure is all about?” The realization finally hit me. He thought I wanted out again!

  “Well . . .”

  I sighed. “I’m so sorry if that’s what you have been thinking, but that is the furthest from the truth. I want you in my life, more than anything.”

  He shocked me with his next question. Blake looked me square in the eyes. “Are you sure you want to be with me? Maybe you just need a man; any man will do.”

  “That’s not true! I have been living by myself and doing just fine, thank you. I don’t need a man in my life. You have enhanced my life, but I don’t require a man to feel complete. I want to share adventures with you.” I put extra emphasis on the word “you” so he could understand that this discussion was about him and only him.

  That hard glint in Blake’s eye softened. Suddenly an understanding look replaced the anger in my eyes. He had been afraid of getting hurt again. I get it now.

  And with this new comprehension of the situation, I wondered if maybe it was time to share my secret. He deserved to know the full truth. Maybe I could pretend none of this sickness was happening—and just live in denial.

  I almost blurted out my secret, but decided it was not the right time to reveal my news. When is the right time to divulge that you are dying? I contemplated. I don’t want him staying with me out of guilt or obligation. If only I could tell him. . . .

  What would he say if he found out my news? Was he going to dart for the door? And if he did, I would have to accept it, regardless.

  Not wanting to lose another opportunity with him, I decided to share my feelings. I announced with convictio
n, “I’m falling in love with you again, Blake. Don’t feel like you have to say anything in return.”

  With a relieved sigh, he reached out and pulled me close, burying his face in my neck. “I don’t want this to end. I was afraid you were leaving me again. I thought I needed to be the one to break away, but the reality is that I want this to work.” I smiled, hearing the joy in his voice again. “You know I have always wanted to be with you,” he said.

  Blake sighed as he locked his arms around me. The greatest pleasure was enjoying his strong hands lovingly rubbing on my skin. I knew that I never wanted a lover so bad in my entire life. I never experienced anything so gratifying. The feeling of him inside me had become a drug. And I was addicted.

  Chapter 14

  Blake smoothed my long hair and pushed it away from my face. He placed his fingers on my temples to rotate my face toward him and gazed into my eyes. He stroked my face, tilted my chin upwards, and brought his mouth down on mine. He kissed me tenderly. At the same time, his arousal pressed against me. While he continued kissing my lips, I could feel him growing larger in excitement. I had become insatiable for him, and from Blake’s eagerness toward me, the feeling was mutual.

  Just as I wondered how far he would take his caresses, he released our embrace and began to untie my dress. I felt my passion erupt as the dress slid down my body, pooling at my feet. He unhooked my bra and pulled down my panties. I stood before him naked except for my long hair draped across my bare chest.

  “I’m entranced by your beauty,” he said. He stood still and drank me in, my bare body enticing him.

  I looked down. “I was afraid it was over.”

  “Look at me, Lila.” He stared into my eyes. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

  Everything felt perfect. I knew I did not have a flawless figure, but he made me feel irresistible and sexy. For that brief instant, I did not have a care in the world. It was just the two of us. And we could not get enough of each other.

  Blake kissed my shoulders tenderly. “You fill me with desire, my dear,” he said. His lips pressed against my throat. He turned me so that he could kiss the nape of my neck. Standing behind me, Blake reached his arms around and cupped my tender breasts, fondling my hard nipples.

  “That feels good,” I whispered in a voice that was breathy and excited.

  He brushed his fingertips across my nipples, giving each one a gentle tug. I gasped in surprise, but that quickly turned into a sigh of enjoyment, causing me to moan in time with his caressing touch. His kisses slid from the top of my neck and traveled slowly down my spine. When he reached my shoulder blades, I turned back around to embrace him.

  “I’m so turned on by you,” Blake whispered, gazing into my eyes. The enthusiastic expression in his eyes demanded that I stay focused on him.

  Looking deep into his eyes, I thought I could see everything he was feeling. At the moment, his pleading eyes begged me to be one with him. He pressed my hand against his zipper.

  He leaned in to kiss me softly, and he deepened the kiss, his tongue dancing with mine. I lifted his shirt and tossed it onto the couch. I slid my fingers down his toned chest and across the firm ridges of his stomach. Groaning in delight, he slowly began to kiss between my breasts and down my stomach. Lower and lower, until I, too, moaned in anticipation.

  Much to both of our surprise, at that instant, I pulled away, doubled over, clutching my arms around my sides. Pure agony ripped through my midsection like someone stabbing me with a sharp knife. I almost fell forward but instead stumbled to the couch. I curled my body into the fetal position in the corner, hoping for the sharp sensations to pass. About a minute later, I felt normal again.

  When I straightened up, trying to regain my composure, I glanced over at Blake. The horrified expression on his face said more than words ever could. His eyes were as round as saucers, and his lips contorted in a frightened grimace. Perhaps he thought I was horrified by his touch. Either way, I had some explaining to do.

  Blake sat down beside me and spread a cotton blanket across my body. I felt his hands touch my shoulders, gently pulling me close to him. I did not resist. I tilted my head toward him with my eyes half-closed, enjoying the closeness. I felt his warmth, his arm draped over me protectively while I snuggled against him. I felt like I was exactly where I belonged, in his arms.

  He sighed and lowered his head slightly. He gazed into my eyes as if searching for answers. Could he see into me? Could he see through me like glass—like the broken fragments I had become?

  His eyes were kind, but questioning. Nonetheless, he sat in silence. He kneaded the strained muscles across my back. As the tight muscles relaxed, the tension I held fell away. When he finally spoke, his voice was filled with regret, and it trembled with emotion as if he were apologizing for being so hard on me earlier. “What’s going on here, Lila?”

  I guess I was not transparent after all if he still searched for answers. Eventually, I was going to have to tell him the truth. Just do it. I had been planning how to share my news for days. I had rehearsed it in my mind, over and over.

  I sat up and wrapped the blanket around me. Really, I had no choice but to plunge right in and begin. “I think you know I have something to tell you.” My voice sounded different, forced and distant. “I have something very important I need to tell you, but I’m not sure how.”

  And with these words, my eyes filled with tears that poured down my cheeks. I could barely see. A sudden feeling of self-consciousness washed over me, and I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide the streaks.

  Blake looked concerned. “Are you saying good-bye again with those tears? I thought we reached a good place. What is it?”

  “I never want to lose you again, Blake.” I blinked my eyes to fight back more tears. “But I need to share something with you.” I could feel my heart pounding while he stared.

  “You can tell me anything.”

  My voice dropped in volume to barely above a whisper. “I have stage three pancreatic cancer. It’s inoperable because it has spread to my major blood vessels.” My words echoed in the air.

  His head jerked back in disbelief. When he finally did turn to look at me, his face was frozen and his eyes wide. He swallowed hard as if he had a lump stuck in his throat. Although Blake looked alarmed, he also had an expression as if my behavior now made sense to him. Quite possibly he had noticed my more pronounced dark circles and tired eyes. Maybe he saw me wince in pain a few times but had brushed those thoughts aside.

  There was a painful silence, but he recovered quickly. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I want to be here for you.”

  I looked at him. I could see the care and concern in his eyes. After hesitating, I said, “I’ll be all right.” But my pained face was not fooling him.

  In the next instant, he encircled his arms around me and held me. I glanced at him gratefully.

  “I’ll do anything for you, if you just let me,” he said.

  I replied with a limp smile. “I don’t expect anyone to solve all of my problems. That’s not fair to you.”

  He looked at me as if he were losing everything. Quickly, Blake turned his now-pale face away from me and looked toward the window. He seemed to gaze out at the lustrous sky while he collected his thoughts; maybe he did not want me to see his fear.

  The cloudless blue sky seemed so vast, like it could go on forever. Why couldn’t life be like that—endless—an infinite journey? Why did mine have to stop when I just turned a corner and started in a new direction? To lose each other just when we found pleasure again seemed so cruel. I am afraid the cancer will rob us of our second chance to get it right. With my secret finally exposed, will this shatter my dream of our happily ever after?

  After taking a deep breath, he looked at me. There was something less definable in Blake’s expression. Perhaps there was something about my eyes that seemed to trouble him. Defeat? Did I give him a dull stare, as if I had given up on life? And maybe at that moment my desire to f
ight was fading.

  Blake stared at me as if reading my thoughts. He looked determined to revive me. He glanced down and brushed his fingers along his eyes, wiping his welling tears. I heard him try to disguise a sniffle by clearing his throat. Was he trying to be strong for me? He knew I was scared.

  I sighed. “You know, this type of cancer usually wins, especially in the late stages. But I still think I have a chance, somehow,” I said.

  Blake choked through his words. “This is your fight, but I want to help you.” He cleared his throat until his normal voice returned. “I’m a trained fighter in the military. I’m just the right person to help. We will defeat this enemy invasion.”

  “This is not a military drill, my dear.”

  He shook his head. “I just want to be here for you, but I’m not sure how,” he said in an unwavering voice. “It will be a tough battle, but we can do this; we will get through this—together.”

  “I’m trying to be strong,” I said.

  Blake’s voice raised several levels to accentuate his words. “Do not give up! I’ll never stop fighting for you and with you.”

  “Thank you.”

  His emphatic voice commanded, “We will win. We will put up a unified front. You invited me on this journey, and I’m not about to end it now. We only just started marking off the items on your list. And I have a list of my own to merge with yours—for us to enjoy.”

  The tears trickled down my cheeks. I could tell by his furrowed brow and steady gaze that he was not going to change his stance. I had seen that expression before and knew that when he had made up his mind, there was no changing it. He was determined to be with me during this challenge. And I was grateful.

  Although I loved his support, I knew it was not that easy. Was I supposed to believe we could wish the sickness away, and it would be gone? And how do you fight the enemy within?

  He turned to me and reached out with his big, strong hands and swept me into his arms. I flung my body readily into his welcoming embrace. I clung to him for dear life—or so it felt. His warm lips pressed against my tear-streaked cheek, and he gently stroked my hair as if I were a fragile porcelain doll.