My Heart is Yours

by Amanda Morey

  “I know . . .”

  Craig sighed again. “The bullet went right through his heart, they did everything they could but he didn’t make it.”

  Didn’t make it . . . the statement wasn’t sinking in.

  “Sam, he died. I’m sorry.” Craig dealt the blow to his baby sister’s heart.

  “He’s . . . he’s dead?” She said to no one in particular. Then she shook her head trying to shake off the thought and walked toward her room because she felt tears beginning to form and she wasn’t one to cry in front of people.

  “Sam.” Craig said. “Sam.” She shook her head and walked past him.

  They heard her bedroom door close and Craig sighed, pulled out a chair and sat next to Jason.

  “You think she’ll be okay?” Jason asked his brow furrowed, looking in the direction of Sam’s bedroom.

  “Yeah, she will. It’ll take a while. But she’ll be okay.” Craig paused. “Before you go see how she is I want to talk to you about something.”

  “Okay.” Jason said.

  “You’re gonna be in physical therapy for a while and you’re gonna need at least some help. You know, you can always stay here when you need to. Sam really cares about you and she’d never forgive me if I didn’t ask you to stay with us for a while.”

  “Oh.” Jason raised his eyebrows involuntarily.

  “Look, don’t take it the wrong way. I just know that your dad’s not gonna be willing to help you. And Sam is gonna really need you around here now too.” Craig said.

  “Okay.” Jason said. “I’ll stay. Thanks Craig.”

  “You’re welcome.” Craig replied crisply.

  “I’m gonna go check on Sam.” He grabbed up his crutches and limped to Sam’s room.

  As soon as Sam closed her door she slid to the floor and started crying. She held her head in her hands and the sobs came roughly from inside of her.

  Someone else she cared about died. Again. Something devastating happened. Again. Someone abandoned her. Again. Why did this keep happening?

  Someone knocked on her door. She didn’t get up.

  “Sam?” She heard Jason’s soft voice. She pulled herself together, stood up shakily and opened the door.

  As soon as she saw Jason standing there she began sobbing again. He walked in and closed the door. She wrapped her arms around him and sobbed into his chest. His white t-shirt was soaked in a matter of seconds.

  He walked over to the bed with her and sat down so he could drop his crutches and wrap his arms around her. “I’m sorry, Sam.” He whispered. Then he just held her.

  Sam continued sobbing with the only person she was completely comfortable crying in front of. He just held her and that was all she needed right now. For Jason to hold her. To try to comfort her because she lost someone again. Just having his arms around her made her a feel a little bit better. She hoped that she never lost Jason. She didn’t know what she would do without him.

  ***

  A couple of days later, Sam was getting ready for Derek’s funeral. His funeral, she thought. He shouldn’t be dead. She pulled her black knee length scoop neck dress over her head; followed by the sheer black shall. The same outfit she had worn to her parent’s funeral.

  She thought back to Derek’s wakes. She’d went to both of them. He was one of her best friends. She couldn’t not go. As much as she didn’t want to see his body lying lifelessly in a coffin, she had to go. Just like she had to go to his funeral. The last time she would see him. Or his body, at least.

  He’d probably be added to the nightmares she was currently having. She wondered how Derek would fit into her dreams.

  As she was pondering this, there was a knock on her door.

  “Yeah?” She called.

  “Sam? It’s John.” He said as he opened the door.

  “Hi.” She said.

  “You okay?” He asked.

  “I’ll be fine.” She answered. She started to clip her hair half up, then changed her mind and let it fall around her shoulders in a blonde cascade.

  John gave her a look; wordlessly asking why she changed her mind.

  “If my hair’s down and I start to cry, I could always hide it this way.” She said with a matter-of-fact tone.

  John didn’t say anything, just smiled sadly and shook his head slightly. He gently grabbed her elbow walking her out into the living room where Jason was waiting for them.

  “Thanks for coming with me.” Sam said to Jason. She was sitting with him in the backseat of Craig’s car. John was driving.

  “You’re welcome.” He said as he leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “Wish we didn’t have to go at all.”

  “Me too.”

  Jason put his arm around her and she cuddled up to him. Her blonde hair fell around her face but this time Jason left it where it was.

  After a ride that was too long yet too short they pulled up to the funeral home. Sam got out first and turned to help Jason wobble out of the car. John came with them. They helped Jason as he hobbled up the steps no one ever wanted to go up.

  “Sam!” a familiar voice called. She spun ever so slightly so she didn’t drop Jason. Standing on the steps were Shawn, Craig, Matt and Chris. Sam felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes at the sight of them standing there. Ready and willing to be there for her just like they always had been.

  The place was full, but not the way it was at the wakes. At the wakes everybody that had ever met Derek showed up to pay their respects. Then the place had a line to get in—now it was just family and friends.

  Sam felt Jason squeeze her hand beside her. She smiled slightly; glad to have Jason beside her through all of this. Just like he’d been beside her her whole life. She was lucky that he was there next to her now; that she didn’t lose him too.

  They found chairs towards the back with Juliana and her parents. Juliana had healed well after the shooting. That was the other thing in all of this. Derek was only nineteen. He was too young to be dead. He was shot. Shot. He was murdered. In cold blood. No reason whatsoever. The police caught the bastards that did this to him. To all of them. John gave them the make, model and license plate. The reason that they found the scum that did this. And of course it was all over the papers. Everybody either stared at Sam, Juliana, and Jason or asked if they were okay. Some bold—and rude—people came right up to them and asked what it was like to be a victim of a shooting. Sam could just barely deal with people asking if they were okay, but those who asked about the shooting she just had to walk away from.

  It was a drive-by shooting. The police said the men who did this were drunk. They either did it for pure thrill or perhaps a hate crime, the police had said. When Sam had asked “A hate crime against what?” they had told her “The working class. It happens ma’am.” The working class. What did the working class ever do to them? And Derek and Juliana weren’t even working class. They had just been with her. And now Derek was dead. Because of her. And pure thrill. Of what? Pure thrill of wounding three and killing one? There was thrill in that? That was sickening.

  All the mental babble in her head was cut off by people suddenly getting up from their seats. She numbly followed the friends to say a final goodbye. Derek almost looked like he was sleeping. He was dressed in his best suit, hiding the place where the bullet went through his heart taking his young life. Staring at his face, it seemed like he would open his eyes at any moment, saying he got everyone good, laughing at his own sick joke. But no matter how badly Sam wanted it, she knew it wouldn’t happen. She took one last look, whispered “See you later, Derek.” and took a seat between Jason and Juliana, waiting for the service to begin.

  They drove to the cemetery in silence. Almost time to see Derek’s body lowered into the ground for the rest of forever.

  Jason had a little trouble walking around on the grassy, bumpy hills so Sam helped him out. They came to the spot where Derek would rest for eternity. His new home. He should’ve been there. With them.

  The coffin was cl
osed but Sam could still picture Derek beneath the solid lid.

  The priest spoke and Sam spent the entire time concentrating on not sobbing. She let a few tears escape but she refused to sob. She thought back to when they all had met. In Mrs. Schaffer’s sixth grade class. Her and Juliana had already known each other. They had been partnered up with Derek for a lab. Derek wasn’t happy about working with two girls at first but they convinced him. They laughed the entire way through the lab. Derek couldn’t believe that Sam’s parents weren’t rich. She supposed it was because he hadn’t widened his horizons. From then on they had been friends. Stuck together through middle school and awkward moments. Then high school and advanced classes and more awkward moments. That’s when Sam found out that Derek had a bit of a crush on her but she never felt the same. They were there for her when her parents were killed in a car wreck. They had stuck together after high school into the ‘real world’. And now she and Juliana would stick together in Derek’s death. When she looked up it was time to put the flowers on his coffin. His parents went first. They seemed to be holding up alright, but that could change after the funeral. When they were alone and didn’t have to hold it together for anybody anymore.

  The rest of his family went next. Juliana and Sam were given a rose as well because they were his best friends. They clutched each other’s hands as they placed the roses on his coffin. The green grass seemed to be mocking his youth. They stood back and watched as Derek was lowered six feet into the ground. Never to be seen in the flesh again.

  Late that night, someone knocked on Sam’s door.

  “Come in.” She said. She was too distracted to hear them fumbling with the door knob. The door opened and one of Jason’s crutches fell onto the off-white and stain ridden carpet.

  “Jason.” Sam said. “Why didn’t you ask me to help you?” She handed the crutch he had dropped to him.

  “I was fine.” He said as Sam closed the door behind him. “What are you doing?” He sat down next to her on the bed.

  “I was trying to write about what happened, but I just can’t bring myself to. Not yet anyway.” She stared at her journal like it was a grenade.

  “Are you gonna be okay?” Jason asked.

  “Yeah. I’ll be fine.” She said as she closed her journal.

  Jason kissed her forehead and Sam sighed in contentment and rested her head on his shoulder. He stroked her soft hair.

  “So,” Sam started. “How much physical therapy do you have left?”

  “Three times a week for another five weeks.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you apologizing?” Jason tilted her chin up towards him.

  “Because you pushed me out of the way. I was only shot in the arm. I was barely even hurt. I should have gotten hurt worse.” She said quickly.

  “Well, I would never let that happen Sam.” Jason said so matter-of-factly that it scared Sam.

  “I know that.” She said finally. “Thank you, Jason.” She peered up at him through her long blonde lashes and snuggled closer to him.

  “I’ll always protect you.” He tangled his hand in her hair and softly brushed his lips against hers.

  “I know that too.” She smiled for a fraction of a second. “I love you, Jason.” She kissed his tan cheek gently.

  “I love you too, Sam.” He pressed his lips to her forehead and let them linger there. Sam breathed in the scent of him and they just sat there holding each other.

  ***

  For four weeks now, Jason had been going to physical therapy three times a week. Sam was with him at every appointment. Jason was used to taking care of Sam so having her take care of him took some getting used to.

  Sam was doing better as well. Derek’s death still affected her, there was no way it wouldn’t, but she felt better. Especially when she was with Jason; which lately was all the time.

  Jason had more or less moved in by now. It was supposed to be temporary, but Sam was hoping they would just make it permanent; she didn’t want Jason going back to his dad’s.

  “Hey.” Sam said as she plopped down on the couch next to Jason. She hugged him tight and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m so happy you’re walking again!” She planted a kiss on his cheek again and fixed the collar of his jean jacket. He flushed a light shade of red.

  “I think I may be happier than you are Jason.” She grinned. Jason could swear that there were diamonds in her eyes.

  He laughed. “I’m happy, too.” Then he gently placed a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her right on the lips. She kissed him back passionately. He put his arms around her waist and she ran her fingers through his hair.

  John came around the corner. “Hey, older brother walking in!” he called out as he turned his head. The plate of chocolate cake he was holding almost tumbled onto the already stained carpet.

  Sam and Jason pulled away from each other, both of their faces a bright shade of cherry red. John sat down in their big old brown recliner chair and started flipping through the channels.

  “Thanks.” John said. His hair was a shade lighter than usual; dyed from the summer sun.

  “You’re welcome.” Jason and Sam said in unison. They laughed. Despite everything they’d been through, they were happy together.

  After spending time with Jason at physical therapy and seeing how the physical therapists helped people get back to health, Sam decided she wanted to be a physical therapist. Of course there was a problem with that, they didn’t have money to send her to school. So Sam got a job at their local library, planning to save up money to start classes.

  Juliana was back from Princeton for the summer. Princeton. One of the best schools in the country. Where Juliana could go and not worry one bit about money. Why was life so damned unfair?

  “So you go back in a month?” Sam asked as she handed Juliana a bottle of Coca Cola.

  “Yup. Second year. I can’t believe it.” Juliana flipped the cap off of the bottle with a popping sound.

  Sam bit the inside of her mouth. Juliana in her second year and I haven’t even started yet. Who knows when I will?

  “Yeah, neither can I.” Sam said. “So, how is all that pre-med stuff going?” She took a seat in the chair across from Juliana.

  “It’s good. Haven’t really started the medical stuff yet, but I’m liking it.”

  “Good.” Sam smiled.

  “So how are things going with you and Jason?” Juliana asked. Sam instantly smiled.

  “It’s going really well. I love him so much.” Sam said and then blushed a light peach.

  “Yeah, I know. I think I knew before you did.” Juliana tilted her head to the left. Her dark red hair fell onto the chilly bottle of Coke.

  “I wouldn’t say that.” Sam started as she popped open her own bottle of her Coke.

  Juliana raised her eyebrows as she took a sip of soda.

  “Well, you just said it out loud before I did. I knew I loved him I just didn’t say it.” Sam reasoned.

  “’Cuz you’re stubborn.” Juliana pointed a finger at her.

  “No.” Sam bristled.

  Juliana raised her eyebrows again.

  “Okay, partly because I’m stubborn.” Sam admitted as her shoulders slumped. They both laughed. A sound akin to the tinkling of bells.

  “Okay, so you two have been dating for over a year now.” Juliana said.

  “I know. Hard to believe.” Sam’s eyes looked off somewhere far.

  “Have you two . . .” She trailed off.

  “Have we what?” Sam asked.

  “You know . . .” Juliana wiggled her eyebrows.

  “What?” Sam asked, her face scrunched.

  “Have you slept together yet?” Juliana let tumble out of her mouth.

  “Oh!” Sam said. “No. We haven’t actually.” She sipped her glass of ice water peering down into the glass. Sam liked to have a glass of water with whatever it was she was drinking most of the time.

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Re
ally.” Sam swished the ice in her glass around and listened to it clink.

  “Sorry. I just mean that you’ve been going out a while, it’s a little surprising.” Juliana shrugged.

  “Oh, yeah, I know. I guess it is a long time to date someone without sleeping together.” Sam said; really, she had no clue whether it was or not.

  “Why haven’t you?” Juliana asked.

  “I don’t know.” She paused. “Come on Jules, you know how shy Jason is. It took us forever to start dating and then it was probably four months before we even made out.”

  “Have you thought about it?” Juliana traced the opening of her Coke bottle with her finger.

  “Of course I’ve thought about it.” Sam said slowly. “We just haven’t discussed it.”

  “I’m sure he thinks about it a lot.” Juliana smirked.

  “Uh, yeah I guess.” Sam’s cheeks were on fire.

  “Oh, I’m sure he does.” Juliana wiggled her eyebrows again and winked.

  “Yeah, maybe.” Sam let out a small giggle.

  “Well it’s bound to come up eventually.” Juliana took a sip of her soda and looked pointedly at Sam.

  “I know.” She said and took a sip of her own Coke to have something to do with herself besides talk.

  “What are you gonna do when it does?” Juliana peered at Sam through her dark red lashes.

  “I don’t know...” Sam looked down into the ice in her water glass.

  Sam thought about that for a moment. Of course she’d thought about it, but never discussed it with Jason. They were both really shy and that would make for quite an awkward conversation. She shook her head, shaking off the thought for now.

  ***

  Juliana was back at Princeton for her second year. Sam was still working at the library, saving up for college. Jason had gotten a job. He couldn’t afford to go to college either. He also didn’t think he was good enough to go to college. They both worked five days a week. Sam worked from ten to four and Jason worked from nine to four. Three nights a week Sam took night classes at her local community college. All the free time they had was spent together.