by Sarah Tork
Totally pissed!
Oh shit! Instantly, my eyes watered and tears quickly escaped, rolling down my face. My baby sister was all grown up. I wiped the tears away, blew my nose and opened Ben’s email. Hopefully the high from Darcy’s email would be a shield, just in case Ben’s email was the complete opposite to hers in terms of the ‘joy’ factor.
No Subject.
I cocked an eyebrow. He could have at least given me a subject title, so I could have at least prepared myself for whatever it was he wrote, especially considering the theme of all his other emails, which were not happy emails at all. They’ve been nothing but bitter and accusing till now.
Casting that notion to the side, his letter popped into the screen, or should I say essay by the size of it. Holy shit!
Dear Marisa
I don’t know where to start with this letter. But here goes.
I’m a fool, a stupid idiot dumbass, fool.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doing what I did to you. It was all my fault. I ruined us and every single day we spent together these last five years. My head was up my ass for so long I couldn’t see what I’d actually done.
I lost my baby…..
I lost my baby. My eyes immediately shut.
I gulped, trying to destroy the choking pain in my throat. My lips rippled with a soft moan escaping its cracks. I quickly sucked in a breath to help calm the quivers down. I couldn’t destroy myself, not now, it’s been too long. That shit was supposed to be over and done with.
The rim of my eyelids stung as they reopened. I had to read the rest, even if it destroyed me as it brought me back six months ago to a part of my life that really did destroy me. When that shit happened at Kyle’s party, I died inside. If I was being honest, I hadn’t really recovered.
Sitting here in this average sized room was supposed to be the rebirth of me. But it was all bravado. I was still the same, still scorned, still emotionally devastated. I hadn’t grieved, hadn’t even cried like a maniac whose life was thrown upside down. I hadn’t allowed myself to. I couldn’t show them all the satisfaction of my teary breakdown.
I wiped my cheeks with the sleeve of my favourite sweater. It was ratty and filled with holes, but I’d never throw it away just because it wasn’t perfect anymore.
Just like I wasn’t.
I eyed the screen again. It’s been black for a while. Moving the cursor, the screen popped back up with Ben’s email in the window. I start from where I left off.
I lost my baby… I mean it. I’m not alive. I haven’t been since that day in the park when you rightfully broke up with me. If I could do it all over again, right from that moment, the worst moment of my life, I would have begged, pleaded, thrown myself in front of a moving car just to prove to you how sorry I was, how sorry I still am and will be for the rest of my life.
My pride cost me the one thing, the most important thing, what I should have cherished for the rest of my life, because baby there ain’t anyone out there like you, not even close. You’re one of a kind.
I know right now you’ve probably moved on to bigger and better things, that’s just who you are, you move at your own rate not giving a shit what other people think. You should probably know everyone was always jealous of that quality. They wished they could have been free like you.
I fucked up and there’s no repairing the damage my stupidity caused. I hope one day we can be a part of each other’s lives again, as friends of course. But I guess that’s a privilege I’ll have to take the time to prove I deserve again. Might be awhile, I have a lot to make up for. I shouldn’t have taken you for granted and because of that, I’m paying.
Hope to talk to you soon. We can talk about anything you want. I just want to hear from you, read your words.
Love Ben
At this point the strength of my lips failed to keep sealed. Desperate to escape, the monster of all cries, roared loudly through my newly widened mouth. My body spasmed violently, breaking easily the hold I was trying to have over it. My neck hunched over and salted tears dripped down my face, colliding into a puddle on the hard wood. The painful memories, one by one as they resurfaced, only fuelled the urge to cry louder, harder. My forehead hits the desks surface, the pain of the collision nothing compared to the pain my heart was feeling.
Why?
I had kept the pain of that monumental event hidden inside my hallow heart for the last six months. Why did I have to feel everything now?
“Fuck!” I hissed loudly through a sob, choking in response from the lack of air going through my passageways.
As always Ben, perfect timing…..
*~*~*
The next night at work, it was ten minutes to closing when reality hit me again. I groaned loudly, wiping the counters behind the display. My future at 4Scoops hadn’t disappeared like I thought it would when I mistakenly accepted Xander’s job proposal last night.
I was still stuck here.
It was all good though. I just needed to remind myself of that. It was for the greater good of my wellbeing. So I’d have work for minimum wage for a bit longer, it was only temporary. You know what wasn’t temporary, a deal with the devil.
Tossing the rag into the sink, I nodded to myself, approving the logic, it made sense. You know what didn’t make sense though, the letter Ben sent me. That letter ruined me and my day. Even though Ben meant it to be heartfelt and a gesture of good will, it left a deep mark. One that I haven’t been able to shake and it was going to be closing time soon, I needed energy to clean this store by myself.
Fuck me! Life you have played your hand once again, hitting me where it hurts. I didn’t have any cards to play and the hand that I had before, it didn’t even match, wasn’t even worthy of going against the cruel nature of the game.
It seemed I had much to improve still.
First order of business….snap out of this shit! Your man cheated after five years of being together, he denied he did anything wrong. Then six months later he apologized in a deep heartfelt letter.
There, closure, now get over it!
Checking the 4Scoops branded clock, I sighed in relief. I was three minutes away from a customer free store.
Or so I thought.
Chiming loudly, the front door opened. Horrified, my body swirled around, quickly searching for the clock again.
How dare a customer walk in this late, it was closing time!
Instead of sharing those feelings with the latecomer, I plastered on a fake smile and turned to address the customer with the usual ‘welcome’ slogan.
The words were choked back and I gasped in shock instead.
Standing in the door frame, wearing a black cashmere sweater and perfectly fit black jeans with a three day old beard growing on his beautiful baby soft skin, was the trouble maker King himself, Xander Barns. Staring at me, amused nevertheless, his gorgeous, trouble infused blue eyes sparkled.
“What are you doing here?” I stuttered bewilderedly, grabbing the edge of the stainless steel counter top for support
“I’m here for you.” he said smoothly, gliding towards me and halting in front of the ice cream display that separated us.
“Here for me.” I repeated warily once the shock of seeing him again wore off. My blood boiled, fuelling the spunk inside of me, what made me, me. And it was all thanks to him. Xander woke me up.
I was back, bitches. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Xander leaned his elbows on top of the display and grinned. “There’s my trusted little sidekick.”
My eyes bugged out. “What did you call me?”
“It seems, Uncle Xander has got himself into a little doo – doo.” he confessed, blinking a hundred times like a doll would.
Stop trying to play innocent!
“Again?” I asked, astonished. This guy got into trouble more times than a third time parolee on a crack charge.
Don’t do drugs people.
His fingers playfully danced across the glass display, making fing
er marks that I’d have to spend a good deal of time wiping off again. Thanks douche, more work for me!
“Stop doing that, I have to clean that!” I informed him, irritated. Not grinning anymore, his eyes widened as he lowered his hand off the display. “What happened this time? What did you do?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I’ve been thinking about that job proposal I gave you.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “I declined, don’t you remember? I don’t have time to deal with your shit, add daily shit to that equation, I couldn’t run far enough!” I spat at him, crossing my arms.
“I assumed so, but now that I think about it. I don’t really need a personal assistant every day, I mean I’m barely in the city for more than a couple of weeks out of the month before I have to go and check the other branches of my hotel again.” Xander explained, smiling slyly. I didn’t remember anything he said except for ‘my hotel’.
He owned a hotel?
“Wait, what?” I asked confusedly, holding out my palm to him. “You own a hotel?”
He wiggled his eyebrows playfully and grinned. “Yes, don’t you remember? I invited you over last Saturday.”
My jaw dropped. “The Ogall Hotel in Ottawa really belongs to you?”
“My family actually owns them and not just in Ottawa. We have three other boutique hotels in the franchise, one in Toronto, Vancouver and Montreal. We’re venturing into the states soon. We’ve recently acquired a piece of land in downtown Miami.” Xander grinned knowingly.
He knew he had power.
“Fuck me.” I whispered, astonished. He was loaded, really loaded. That’s why those manager guys at the hotel last Saturday didn’t do anything to him. They worked for him.
“Yes please.” Xander responded, biting his bottom lip, eying me seductively.
Wait what?
No!
Scowling, I flung my arm up and pointed to him. “Stop, you can’t speak to me like that anymore. I don’t owe you anything.”
“Can’t I?” Xander chuckled, cocking an eyebrow. “I need your skills Marisa.”
My arm lowered, grabbing the edge of the counter tightly. “My skills?” I gulped.
“You have a gift.” He sighed.
My eyes narrowed at him. “And that is?”
“You’re mean.” Xander answered nonchalantly.
I’m mean?” My eyes bugged out again, gripping the counter even tighter. “Fuck you, I’m not mean!”
“Are you sure?” Xander asked apprehensively.
Ugh – excuse me! Hell no!
I slammed my other fist on to the counter, hard. “Go fuck yourself you piece of shit! I’m the nicest person you’re ever going to meet! Who else would have put up with your shit last Sunday?”
“I’m glad you mentioned Sunday, because I kind of need a similar service from you.” Xander explained, completely disregarding my anger.
“A similar service? I’m not working for you!” I informed him sternly.
“And you don’t have to, but how about we do this. If I have a problem, I’ll just call you and you go fix it. You can be my own personal ‘problem’ solving consultant” Xander smiled, thinking he had it all figured out.
Wrong bitch.
“Nope, not interested!”
His smile stretched into a sly grin, like he had another card up his sleeve. “Oh really? Well then, how about this sweetheart. I’ll pay you a thousand dollars for every problem.”
My jaw dropped. “A thousand dollars!”
“That’s right. And these particular problems wouldn’t take you more than a day to fix, promise.” Xander explained like it was all no big deal.
What a total crock of shit. Did he not remember the last ‘problem’ I handled for him? That fucked up head case Demetria, which he paid me five thousand dollars for, had left me emotionally damaged.
So what was this shit, a thousand dollars per problem?
The only reason I had calmed down after the confrontation with Demetria last Sunday, was because of the amount of money he was going to give me and even that barely took me out of my enraged state. If anything it just put me on the border between ‘fucking hell that was crazy but I’ll forget it’ and ‘the red zone of anger, I’m going to fuck him up real good the next time I see him’.
“You paid me five thousand for handling Demetria.” I reminded.
Xander crossed his arms over his chest and grinned slyly. “That money was also because you were my date to my mother’s spring garden party.”
I nodded sarcastically, like I got it. “Oh really, that money was because I accompanied you to the party like a whore would have?”
“No,” he answered as if that notion was crazy.
I jerked my chin back. “No?”
“No, a whore would have had sex with me. In fact, the money I paid, I think I got the raw end of that deal. In fact, you owe me still.” Xander purred, leaning over the counter.
“Get your fucking hands off my display, you’re making it dirtier!” I grimaced, shaking my head.
“Really…. how dirty?” he purred, biting his bottom lip again.
Fuck, he was a pervert.
“I’m not going to answer that, you need to leave, its closing time.” I pointed to the clock. He backed away, shrugging like he didn’t know what else he had to say to convince me to agree.
A Xander style ‘problem’ solving consultant, they didn’t have that job description on career day in high school.
“Think about it, I’ll be in touch darling.” He strutted out like he was hot shit, leaving me once again stunned.
*~*~*
I made it within seconds of the bus leaving.
I got home around 10:45pm. My phone didn’t chime with any incoming emails, so in case there was a technical difficulty with my provider, I turned my laptop on as soon as I entered my room. My heart plummeted, disappointed when the email account showed no new emails, just the ones from yesterday. Darcy’s and Ben’s.
Ben’s email.
Had there been a minute today, where his deep and heartfelt words weren’t plaguing my mind? I’ve been in a depressed mood ever since. He asked me to write him back, that he just wanted to read my words, whatever they were.
I wasn’t ready to have a normal conversation with him yet. But I’d send him an email. Just so he knew I’d read his words and appreciated them.
I wrote him a quick email.
Thank You for the email, your words mean a lot.
From Marisa.
My mind was shutting down. That was the last bit of emotion I had left. I had already gone over his letter in my head a thousand times during my shift at 4Scoops tonight. Adding to that fucked up mix, was Xander’s surprise visit.
I was exhausted and it was safe to say, I was done for the day.
Before going to sleep I watched some Anime on YouTube, which may not have been the best idea since it was all action and smidge sexual. Shutting my eyes anyways, my mind even though I wished it wouldn’t, went through everything all over again. The weekend from hell, Ben’s letter, Xander’s job proposals.
Before drifting off to sleep, I imagined soft ocean blue eyes….and I quickly fall to sleep.
A fog opened….pulling me inside it….
He face dipped into the curve of my neck. “I’m going to make you scream, I’m going to take you until you pass out from exhaustion, baby.”
“Liam!” I panted. “Now, please. I need you now!”
“Hush, my sweet. Soon.” he whispered into my neck licking it more, causing me to shiver violently. He quickly took us inside his bedroom, slapping the door shut with his foot. He dropped me to the ground and turned me around, pushing me against the wall.
I was his prisoner.
All of a sudden, sex making RnB music played from the ceiling.
His lips come to my ear, licking the bottom lobe with his hot tongue. “Baby, if you think I’m just going to finger fuck you again, then you have no idea what’s about to happen.”
/> The room became blurry as heat penetrated every inch of my body. As I relished the feel of it, Liam’s strong hold softened, and I turned as familiar honey brown eyes blurred over ocean blue one’s, stalling me into shock. “Ben?”
“Baby,” Ben whispered, standing naked in front of me, gently caressing the edge of my jawline. “I missed you so much.”
“Ben? What are you doing here?” I stammered, my heart about to burst out of my chest. “How’d you get here?”
“I came for you….” he whispered, leaning in and pressing his lush lips on top of my quivering ones. “I missed you…I missed you Marisa.”
“I love you.” I murmured into his lips, grasping both of his shoulders to push him into me. “I love you so much.”
“I’ve been waiting…so long to hear those words. Thank you.” He whispered against my lips.
I pulled back, pleading to him with my eyes. “You still want me?”
“Always baby, I’m always going to want you. You should know that you’re always wanted with me.” Ben stated softly.
“Always……wanted…. always, right back at you, baby.” I smiled. He smiled back at me and I leaned up and kissed him deeply.
“Marisa…I love you.” Ben murmured against my lips and then leaned back. I blinked once as he held me up and leaned in again, stopping a breath away from my lips. “I’m sorry…” he whispered.
My eyes widened. “What?”
My room turned dark and Ben’s arms around me vanished, making me cold instantly. “Ben where are you?” I yelled as I fell backwards on to my bed.
The fog opened again…and I stepped out….
My eyes jerked open, wired and alert as it gazed around for Ben’s naked body. He wasn’t here, he never was.
I pounded my fists into the mattress, fucking angry that something…. something so fucking wonderful was just another figment of my imagination.
I wiped tears from the corner of my eyes and jumped out of bed, heading straight for my laptop. I needed to read his letter again. It was the only thing I had that could resemble anything close to the warmth I was now void of.