Giving Up for You

by L. M. Carr

  The following day, I sit on the crinkly, white paper in the sterile room, waiting for the doctor, who’s running later than usual, to come in. I lie back and stare at the ceiling, letting my eyes drift to a close, allowing myself a moment to remember.

  ***

  I REMEMBER I was studying for a final exam in Child Development class and had an awful bout of nausea; I thought I ate something bad from the cafeteria that day. But my roommate had eaten the same exact thing and felt just fine. A week later, I missed my period. Two weeks after that, I sat on this exact same spot when my doctor told me that I was pregnant. The flood of emotions from doubt, to denial, to fear, finally to acceptance raged together in my brain all at once. I left the office in a daze. I didn’t know where to go first. I didn’t know who I should tell. I thought for sure that my parents were going to kill me. I wasn’t sure what my dad would do to Dylan. I was, after all, my father’s baby girl.

  I probably should’ve called Dylan first, but after sitting in my car for over thirty minutes crying my eyes out, I needed my best friend so I drove directly to Gina’s house and let myself in. My best friend was always the one I could count on.

  Her bedroom door, located on the second floor of their sprawling Tudor style house was ajar, and I could hear her flirtatious giggle; it’s the one she used when she wanted to get a guy’s attention. I heard the sound of a picture being taken. I didn’t know if she was alone or not so I knocked lightly. I waited before knocking a little harder. It wasn’t uncommon for her to have guys in her room. Hell, she used to sneak them up when we were in junior high school.

  “What Chris? God, just leave me alone.” She sounded annoyed, but didn’t make an attempt to open or close her bedroom door.

  I pushed against the wood grain. She was standing in front of her floor length mirror in a black lace bra and panty set. Her body was gorgeous as it had always been. Lean, long and beautiful. Her blonde hair fell in waves over her back. She finally saw me standing in the doorway when she grabbed her phone and raised it, posing seductively to capture the image.

  “Mia!” She immediately dropped her phone onto the black-lacquered night stand. “Oh my God, what are you doing here?”

  What was I doing there? That was a good question. I came here to see my best friend because I needed her, but she was too self absorbed to notice me standing there. Things had changed recently between us, but she was still my best friend. I wondered if she was still upset that I got into the college that we both wanted to go to while she ended up going to the local community college.

  “Hey.” I smiled weakly, exhaling loudly as I sat on her queen sized bed covered in black and white zebra print. She covered her half-nakedness with a robe and sat next to me, ignoring her phone when it rang. We grew up together and she was like my sister so seeing her without clothes on was no big deal. I should’ve realized why she felt the need to cover up, but I was lost in my despondent state.

  “What’s the matter? Are you okay?” She seemed so genuinely concerned, although she didn’t pull me into a hug like she normally did. She was distant. “Have you talked to Dylan?” Dylan? I couldn’t understand how she knew that my news had to do with him.

  “No, I haven’t talked to him, but I should. He’s going to freak out,” I whispered.

  Confusion appeared on her face. “I don’t understand, Mia. What’s going on?” She stood to get her phone. When she looked down at the screen, her eyes flashed to mine before she tossed it into the drawer.

  I summoned the words. “I’m pregnant.” I hung my head in shame and cried. Finally, she wrapped her arms around me.

  “What? Oh my God. I’m so sorry.” I held on with everything that I had, wondering how I’m going to tell Dylan, but more importantly, my parents. “Mia, it’s going to be okay. I’ll go with you. You won’t have to do this alone.” I was so thankful that I had her support. Having a buffer there when I told my parents was going to be helpful.

  “Thank you.” I hiccupped, pulling away.

  “My dad gets home in another hour or so. I want to tell them as soon as I can.” I wipe my eyes with my fingertips.

  “Oh!” Her body stiffened. “You want me to go with you to tell your parents?”

  I simply nodded, but I was confused when I saw the look on her face. “What did you mean, ‘You’ll go with me?’”

  She looked embarrassed. “To the clinic. To have an abortion.”

  “What?” I stood in disbelief. “I’m not having an abortion! Are you fucking crazy?”

  “Mia, calm down. I thought that’s what you meant. I mean, you aren’t seriously thinking about keeping it? You think Dylan is ready to be a father?” She snorts.

  I swiped at the tears flowing again. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I would never do that. This is a baby, Gina. Mine and Dylan’s baby.” I look at her like she’s insane. I have to leave. I had to get outside and get some fresh air before I fainted.

  “Mia, think about it. You can’t be fucking serious!” Her voice reeked of condescension.

  I couldn’t speak. I felt like I didn’t recognize the girl in front of me. She was a complete stranger.

  I ran through the house, down the front stairs, needing to get outside. Her words, “Dylan’s not ready to settle down. He’s not ready to be a father,” were the last thing I heard before I got into my car. As I put my car into reverse and started to drive, Chris’ car pulled in. He had to swerve and move out of the way to avoid a collision with me. I had to go and I couldn’t care less about my driving. When I finally reached the road, I looked back and saw the passenger door of Chris’ BMW open. Out stepped a tall, dark-haired man who looked at me briefly before he followed Chris into the house.

  ***

  A LIGHT KNOCK on the door causes me to open my eyes and sit up. Dr. Graham walks in carrying my chart and smiles at me. “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting so long, Mia.” She opens the chart and asks me a series of questions about my general health and what symptoms I’ve had lately. She agrees that the current anti-biotic isn’t as effective as she would’ve hoped and that she’ll be prescribing something a little stronger with the addition of some steroids.

  She listens to my lungs with the stethoscope and orders a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia because she doesn’t like the sound of things.

  The x-ray technician, a short pudgy woman named Lucy, congratulates me on my engagement and then asks if there’s any chance that I might be pregnant. I freeze. Could I be? We haven’t used condoms in the longest time and I’m on the pill, but it’s been known to fail. I sit for a moment, thinking, but then quickly reassure that I’ve just had my period recently. I know I’m not pregnant.

  Adam and I aren’t ready to start a family; besides we already have one.

  IF SOMEONE WOULD have told me last March, after the St. Patrick’s Day debacle, that almost a year later I would be engaged to wonderful man and be part of his family which included his two beautiful children, I would’ve called them a liar and probably some other choice words. Life has a funny way of putting things in order just as they should be.

  “You look handsome.” I run my hands down the black collared shirt which hides Adam’s chiseled chest. “Even for an old man,” I tease.

  “And you smell delicious enough to eat.” He spins me around and gathers my long hair in his hand while the other hand pulls me close to his body. He inhales, skimming his nose along the nape of my neck. I smile and angle my head to allow better access. “Why do you do that?” I ask, moaning quietly. I love when he does this. It’s so simple yet so intimate.

  “Because I love you,” his words are a whispered growl in my ear.

  “I know you do.” I spin around in his arms. “But why don’t you do that here?” I stick out my chin, offering my neck.

  Again, he spins me around. I swear I’m going to be dizzy. “This here,” his lips move against the bare skin, “is all you. No scent of perfume. No scent of body lotion. It’s completely you. I love your scen
t.” I know exactly what he means. I may or may not have stolen a few of his running t-shirts after he’s worn them. I have a brief memory of grinding my body against his as we danced to “Animals” by Maroon 5 at a club on New Year’s Eve.

  “You look beautiful tonight.” What I see in the reflection makes me smile. My eyes meet his in the mirror, displaying nothing short of unconditional love. His arms envelop me as I stand in my short, black lace dress, which matches his black shirt and grey dress pants. My left hand covers his; my diamond ring illustrates its prominence. “I wish we could stay here instead of going out to celebrate my birthday. I told you it’s not a big deal.”

  “I know.” I turn to face him, cupping his scruffy jaw in my hands before offering a kiss on his full lips. “But I wanted to celebrate with our friends.” He said he was happy with the pasta dinner and chocolate cake that Maddie and Luke helped me prepare on his actual birthday two days earlier.

  “Dad! Someone’s here!” Luke’s voice bounds up the stairs, through the hallway and into Adam’s bedroom. “Let’s go.” I kiss him again. “Can’t have the guest of honor be late for his own party!”

  After Adam greets Vanessa, Shelby’s seventeen year old niece, and gives her the list of the kids’ schedule and our phone numbers, we grab our coats and are ready to meet our friends. He stops one more time before we leave and asks if she’ll be okay. She’s a petite girl with the body of a twelve year old boy; she isn’t much bigger than the twins. “I’ll be fine, Mr. Lawson.” She smiles confidently, holding up the green bag of arts and crafts that she brought with her. Brady stands at her side as if to say he’s on duty, too.

  “Any problems, don’t hesitate to call.” He lifts each of his children, kissing them good night, telling them to be good or Vanessa won’t ever come back.

  Adam loves his children passionately. I know he’s a bit worried about having Vanessa babysit, but she came highly recommended by Shelby and Mike.

  The drive to Tiramisu, a quaint little Italian restaurant, takes forty-five minutes. My suggestion to take his Camaro was shot down quickly. I wonder if he realizes that I’ve been watching him lately. I know he’s been dying to uncover it in the garage and take it out for a spin now that the snow has finally ended for the season.

  “No, we’ll take the Escalade.” He shoots me a knowing look. I nod once and offer a tight smile. The conversation we’d had months ago about his sports car ended badly with me refusing to ride in it for a while. It was the car he used when he would go out to meet women. It was the car he drove that night at Pulse. He told me that he never took the Escalade because it was his personal life, the one in which his children were the priority. The Camaro was used for his private life with his women; the one in which his dick was the priority.

  When we arrive, we find Shelby and Mike waiting for us at the bar. She looks wonderfully pregnant in a short, fitted ivory dress, her belly perfectly round. We are escorted to a huge table in the back, dressed beautifully and elegantly for our party of eight.

  Taking our seats, Shelby and I chat about wedding plans and I earn a scowl when I tell her that I haven’t done too much more than putting tabs in the magazines of things I like. The guys talk about basketball and March Madness, deciding who will be the national champions this year. Pete and Tyler finally arrive as do Leo and his wife, Lucia, whom I apparently met New Year’s Eve. Unfortunately, I don’t remember too much about that night.

  The story is that Leo and Adam have known each other since high school and then lost touch for some years only to have reconnected recently through work since Leo’s an architect. His thick Italian accent makes him all the more charming. Lucia is a pretty, petite woman, who still carries a few extra pounds of baby weight after having given birth last October. New Year’s Eve was her first big outing since becoming a new mom. I think she’s glad she came tonight; she can’t stop staring at Adam. I can’t say I blame her.

  Throughout dinner the sultry voice of Michael Bublé serenades us while Adam’s fingers find their way onto my exposed thigh and in between my legs. The motion of his fingers circling my buzzing flesh through my thin, lace thong is enough to drive me crazy. I wish I had taken him up on his offer to stay home.

  With a kiss and nibble to his ear, I excuse myself from the table before I explode and come right in front of everyone. “Would you like me to come with you?” He whispers then smirks, willing me to say “yes.” I run my hand along his jaw and smile. “I’m good. I know exactly how to get there.” I swear he’s trying to kill me when he reaches for his tumbler, revealing slick and shiny fingers. He reaches into the amber liquid and grabs a piece of ice, slipping it and his fingers into his mouth.

  “Wait up, I’ll come, too.” Shelby stands up to follow me into the ladies’ room.

  “Hang on ladies, I’ll come with you,” Lucia says.

  I look back at Adam who’s wearing the biggest grin I’ve ever seen! Bastard!

  “What’s with you two tonight?” Shelby asks as she reapplies her lip gloss. “He can’t keep his hands off you.”

  And here I thought we were being subtle beneath the linen tablecloth. “He loves me. What can I say?” I shrug my shoulders and smile.

  Lucia walks out of a stall, readjusting her dress, running her hand over the swell of her stomach. “Ugh . . . I can’t wait to lose this weight.” Her eyes find Shelby’s belly in the mirror. “You don’t even look pregnant. You look like you’re hiding a basketball.” She rolls her eyes playfully at my best friend.

  “Believe me, there’s junk in the trunk. I just hide it well.” Shelby turns to show her backside in the mirror that reveals a tight, toned ass. She’s seriously delusional.

  “I bet when you have a baby, you’ll be just like her.” Lucia says to me, nodding her chin toward Shelby.

  The smile on my face is forced and only Shelby can tell. Lucia doesn’t know my history and tonight isn’t the night to tell her. “I can only hope so.” When I was pregnant with Lily, I thought it was a free pass to eat whatever I wanted. The evidence of my rapid weight gain is still etched on my belly. “Maybe in a few years after we’re married. Maddie and Luke are enough for now.”

  I pull the door open and follow the two women out to the table.

  The waitstaff joins in as we sing “Happy Birthday” to Adam. The candles form a circle in the center of the scrumptious looking carrot cake that Pete picked up from a local bakery. He teased Adam about carrot cake, saying that only gay men like cakes made from long stiff things. Adam gave it right back, saying that he loved carrots and wasn’t worried about his masculinity. I think Peter Pan may have a bit of a crush on my man.

  The night has been so much fun from the delectable appetizers to the oversized dishes of the chef’s finest creations. I can’t wait to get home to give Adam his present. I listen absentmindedly to Shelby and Lucia discussing the best baby strollers and cribs when I see Adam pull his phone out of his pocket. He taps out a response and sets the phone down, continuing his conversation with Mike and Leo. Pete and Tyler excused themselves earlier to do a few rounds of shots at the bar.

  I love watching him talk about his ongoing business projects. His face lights up as he provides all the details. My moment of adoration is gone when his phone rings and he stands, stepping away from the table to take the call outside.

  “Adam?” I ask.

  “I’ll be right back.” He kisses my forehead.

  Annoyed, I check my phone to see if Vanessa has called about the kids. She hasn’t. I know the phone call isn’t about the kids. I pray it’s not the same woman who’s been calling nonstop lately. Apparently, she doesn’t take kindly to months and months of rejection. I wish he’d just change his number so all those women can’t get in touch with him even if he never answers them.

  “Where are you going, mister?” Shelby asks her husband when he picks up his phone and heads in the same direction as Adam. He turns back. “Work, babe. I’ll just be a minute.”

  A minute turns into ten whic
h turns into twenty before both Adam and Mike reappear at the table. I’m pretty pissed that they were gone so long especially on his birthday. I’ll have to speak to him about it later. Even when Adam’s lips press against my cheek, my annoyance doesn’t subside. “I’m sorry.” He looks visibly upset, his dark eyes glazed over. I want to know what just happened, but I know that whatever it is, he won’t tell me right now in front of everyone.

  “Was that about the kids?” I know damn well it wasn’t.

  “No.” His response is curt. He turns to his friends and thanks them for coming out to celebrate his birthday and claims that now since he’s an old man of thirty two, he needs to get home. He laughs, but I know it’s not sincere. He’s masking something.

  With promises to get together soon for Pictionary and pizza, we say goodbye to everyone and drive home. He’s brooding. I want to chisel away at the layers of his stoic façade and find out what’s going on. Adam, like any man, won’t talk until he’s ready.

  I follow him into the house through the garage and find Vanessa lounging on the couch, watching an episode of some show on MTV while Brady snores quietly on the rug in front of the fireplace. The house is tidy and the kids are asleep in their beds. She rises to greet us. Adam listens as she recaps the events of the night for him and he thanks her, handing her several large bills to which I raise my eyebrows and smile.

  “Mr. Lawson, this is too much. I can’t accept it.” Vanessa argues politely.

  “You’ve taken good care of my children. It’s the least I could do.” He offers a tight smile, but it doesn’t reach his dark eyes. He leaves abruptly, walking toward his office, shutting the door behind him.