by Amity Cross
Vanessa turned up the following day, sans Ziggy.
The frenzy had died off downstairs, but there were still a few photographers out on the footpath. They’d brought camp chairs and picnic baskets and had dug in for the long haul. They knew I had to come out eventually.
“Hey,” she said standing beside me. “How are you?”
“Awful.” I sighed and closed my eyes for a second. “It’ll stop eventually, right?”
“Of course it will. They’ll get bored soon enough and things will die down.”
But I’d never feel the same again. For better or worse, Sebastian had marked my soul, but life still went on. The bills still needed to be paid, the books needed to be balanced, and decisions needed to be handed down.
“Have you decided what to do with the Page Break?” Vanessa asked.
“I’m selling,” I replied. “I’m selling and getting out of here.”
“But... but—” Vanessa’s bottom lip started to tremble.
“The Page Break is a failure, my love life is a failure, and I’m a failure.”
“No, you’re not!”
I grunted. Everything seemed so futile right now and having my entire past, and everyone’s opinion about it, shoved down my throat wasn’t helping. Sebastian was right about the spiral. When it caught you, it was difficult to pull yourself out, even if you had help.
“But where will you go?” Vanessa asked.
Maybe I should cut my hair and colour it black or something. Pack a suitcase and just go to Paris like I always wanted. Mrs. Hopkins said she’d be able to get a good price for this place. The reserve price she’d estimated was eye-watering, but she thought she could get more on top of that—and that figure didn’t even include the stock. If I was clever, that kind of cash would last me a long time. I could bootstrap it across the world and become someone new.
For the first time in days, I felt a genuine spark of hope. I could have a clean slate. Wipe away all the heartache, forget the tragedies of my past, and find out who the fuck I was supposed to be. I didn’t know where I was going, but I hoped it would be beautiful when I got there.
“That’s the beauty,” I said. “I could go anywhere.”
“Do you love him?”
Her words grated against my heart. I thought about all the intimate moments I’d shared with Sebastian, the truths he’d whispered into my ear, the feelings that’d coursed through my veins when he’d fucked me, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe it could’ve come to that. To love. But, in the real world, there was always a but.
“I could have,” I said, staring over the main street and towards the ocean. “But his life is too big for me.”
“How do you know?”
“You’re seriously asking me that?” I exclaimed, glaring at her and pointing at the window. “Where have you been the last few days? Siberia?”
“You never set foot in his ‘world!’” She air quoted the last part. “You dipped a toe, and granted it wasn’t the best temperature, but you’ve only seen the ugly side. One tiny, minuscule part.”
I shook my head, clutching onto my stubbornness like a life raft.
“You’re closing yourself off, Juni,” Vanessa went on. “I’m the first person to stand up and protect you because that’s what true friends do, but you’re acting stupid.”
“Stupid?” I scoffed. “I’ve been torn apart by his world. I’ve had death threats from strangers! You don’t know what that’s like!”
“Yeah, and that’s shit, but it wasn’t him. It wasn’t Sebastian who said those things. You’re punishing him for circumstances that are out of his control.”
“You’re on his side now?”
“I’m on your side!” she shouted. “I’m on the side that gets you your happy ending, Juni. I’ve seen you struggle all these years, first taking care of your mum, then cleaning up the mess she left behind. That’s not even counting the stuff with your dad. You owe it to yourself to open your fucking eyes and see the possibility that Sebastian could love you. He needs you to love him, Juni. Fate brought him here and—”
“Fate?” I scoffed. “Is fate supposed to hurt this much? Is fate supposed to make me afraid to go out my front door?”
“Love sucks,” she declared. “Love will kick you in the nuts and laugh while you’re rolling around on the ground, but when it shines... fuck. When it shines, love is worth all of this, times a million.”
Pursing my lips together, I turned towards the window. Outside, the wind was rising and the antique glass panes began to rattle.
“You’re making a mistake, Juniper,” my best friend declared. “A big fucking mistake.”
“Good thing it’s not your life, Ness.”
Two days later, while still in a haze of numbness, I lingered inside the Page Break as a ‘for sale’ sign was stuck on the window.
What Sebastian said was right. Rock ‘n’ roll will save your life... but the fame will kill you.
19
Sebastian
“She’s selling her shop.”
I stared over the Melbourne skyline and resisted the urge to smash my fist through the window. Mostly because I’d break my hand and not even dent the glass.
“It’s a good thing, you know,” Josh went on, giving his opinion even though I didn’t want it. “She can set herself up someplace else with that kind of money.”
Someplace else wasn’t here.
I turned and scowled at my best mate, and lead guitarist of Beneath. We’d known each other forever, since we’d been bratty university students with wandering cocks, but right now I felt I was farther away from him than I’d ever been.
He had his hair tied back in a man bun, his black jeans had holes in the knees, the vintage Nirvana tee he wore was washed out to the point that it was about to fall apart, and the black eye he sported was courtesy of my fist. The first thing I’d done when I got back to the city was make good on my promise to punch him in the face.
His scuffed boots were kicked up onto the coffee table as he flicked through the latest copy of the glossy tabloid Stargazers. I didn’t even want to know where he’d gotten it.
The penthouse at Crown Towers was one of the most lavish hotel rooms in the city. It overlooked the Yarra River and the city and had every comfort a cashed-up rock star could want. Save for one thing money couldn’t buy—Juniper Rowe.
“Shit, this stuff is like a soap opera,” Josh declared, holding up the magazine. “Did you know her daddy threw himself off a cliff?”
“Gimme that.” I snatched the tabloid from his hands and threw it into the bin. “Don’t read that shit, mate. It’ll rot your brain.”
“You need to forget about her, man. She dumped you, remember?”
“She was rattled by the paparazzi, thanks to fucking Vix.”
“You can cry and stamp your foot all you want, but it worked. You’re back.” He leaned forward and slapped me on the leg. “Change out of your nappy, cry baby, and grow your balls back. We’ve got a fucking album to release, or have you forgotten about the music? I hear it’s all that matters to you these days.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Josh fished his phone out of his pocket and tapped the screen. “You need to change your Instagram password.”
I snatched the phone from his hands and glared at the picture. It was a photo of the venue for this weekend’s concert with some stupid fucking light leak filter over it. The caption read, ‘Pumped for this weekend’s show @FestivalHall #rocknroll #Beneath’. It already had ten thousand likes and half as many comments. Obviously, it was Vix’s handiwork. Damage control, I’m sure.
“I can’t do this shit anymore,” I said throwing Josh’s phone at him.
“Calm your farm,” he cried. “Smash your own shit, bro.”
“I’m just expected to get on with it like nothing ever happened.”
“It’s been a week.” He shrugged. “Whatever.”
“Whatever? Juniper could be the one, man
. The fucking one.”
He raised his eyebrows and looked me over like he was seeing me for the first time. And maybe he was. “Fuck, you really care that much about her?”
I threw my hands into the air. “I’ve only been trying to tell you that for the last month.”
I began to pace back and forth, wracking my brain for anything that’d help me get through to Juniper. So far, all my attempts had been futile. The Page Break’s phone was disconnected and all her social media accounts were deleted. I couldn’t blame her, really. The abuse she’d been copping was disgusting on so many levels. She didn’t seem to have any online profiles in her name, either. My last resort was tracking down Vanessa.
Josh snorted. “You’re acting like a psycho, just so you know.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
Juniper’s words came back to me as I stared out over the Melbourne skyline. The connection between the music and everything else. A link is missing.
I knew what it was now. Why nothing had ever felt one hundred percent right. I’d always been a little off centre, standing half a step out of sync with everything around me. For the longest time I’d believed it was just who I was, but now I saw it for what it was.
The missing link was love. It was her. Juniper. Without her, all this was nothing but a nightmare I couldn’t wake from.
“I need a pen,” I said, striding to the desk and opening a drawer.
“What do you need a fucking pen for?” Josh asked, watching me with a perplexed look on his face. He thought I had a screw loose.
“I need to write a letter.”
He rolled his eyes and stood, making for the minibar. “Write her an email like everyone else in the twenty-first century.”
“An email won’t work,” I said, finding a biro in the drawer. “I need to write this one by hand. Don’t you know that’s how all the greatest love letters were written?”
Josh snorted and twisted the cap off a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels. “You need to go to rehab.”
20
Juniper
The only direction I knew was one foot in front of the other.
Almost a week after Sebastian left, the paparazzi seemed to realise they weren’t going to get any more shots of us together. They’d packed up and headed back to wherever they’d come from, somewhere between the death threats and the ginger jokes. The chaos had died down for the most part, but a few photographers had dug in their heels and stuck around. Seemed like they were waiting for a miracle that would never happen. Sebastian and I were over.
We were so over, I felt it in my very being.
The Page Break looked like a bomb had hit it. Standing amongst piles of yellowing books of all shapes and sizes, I began pulling apart the romance section. Some were going to be recycled, others were being boxed up ready to be sold in bulk to a reseller I’d found in Melbourne.
I sneezed as dust filled my nose and I tossed a dogeared Mills & Boon novel into the box labelled ‘recycle.’
An abrupt knock at the door made my heart skip. Vanessa had a key, so she usually let herself in. Who knew what I’d find on the other side of the door these days.
Brushing off my hands, I tiptoed over to the door and peeked behind the blind. Seeing it was Mrs. Hopkins, I sighed in relief and unlocked the door, letting in a waft of crisp, clean air.
“Oh, Juniper! I’ve got good news,” she chirped before glancing nervously at the four photographers across the road.
“Come in,” I said, opening the door so she could slip inside. “Don’t worry about them. My value goes down every minute, so they’ll be gone soon enough.”
“I’m so sorry you have to go through that,” she said, setting her handbag down on the counter. “We all want a little love, but to have it printed in a gossip magazine like that? I can’t imagine.” Glancing around the shop she raised her eyebrows. “You’re getting sucked into it, huh?”
I stepped over a pile of romance novels and wiped the dust off the empty shelf where they’d just been. “I’ve got a guy interested in buying the entire inventory, but there’s a lot to go through. He doesn’t want duplicates of old titles, just new stuff.”
“Well, I’ve got some great news that’ll hopefully lift your spirits,” she declared, taking out a tablet from her bag. “We’ve got an offer.”
“Already?” I paused, the dirty rag in my hand stopping mid-swipe.
It hadn’t even been a week and someone already wanted to buy it? Everything was happening so fast and I’d had zero time to get used to the idea my life was going to completely change.
“It’s like I told you, the Page Break has prime retail frontage, is heritage listed, and has unique zoning. It’s a gem.”
“What’s the offer?” I asked, my mind turning over at a million miles per hour.
“Five hundred and thirty thousand,” Mrs. Hopkins said proudly. “Thirty thousand over asking price, and they want a thirty day or less settlement. You should take it, Juniper. It’s a sure thing and they want it sight unseen.”
My chest tightened and I blinked. This was life changing money but knowing that’s what my mum’s life had been reduced into—one lump sum—made a twist of sadness burn my heart.
“Who wants it?” I looked at Mrs. Hopkins. “What do they want to do with this place?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” she began. “I’m not supposed to give details like that.”
“It’s important. The Page Break was my mother’s legacy. It’s hard enough to pack it up and sell. I just want to know someone will care about it in some way.”
The older woman smiled, her shoulders relaxing. “It’s a couple from the city,” she explained. “They want to open a spa and salon, with massage, hair, beauty... the whole lot. They sound quite nice and Point Mambie could do with a place like that. The tourists will lap it up and the locals will love it too.”
I tried to imagine mirrors along the walls, basins at the back, the bustle of clients and stylists, the hum of hairdryers, but I just couldn’t picture it. Maybe I was just too close to see anything else than what it was. My entire life was lived within these walls, the good and the bad, but I knew it wasn’t the bricks and mortar that had made those memories. Mum wasn’t in this place, and no amount of holding on would keep her alive. She was in my heart.
I had to let the Page Break go.
“Okay,” I said, “I accept.”
“Great.” Mrs. Hopkins beamed at me. “I’ll call them and let them know, and we can get everything started. Don’t worry, Juniper, we’ll help you every step of the way.”
“Thanks.” I smiled as she gathered her handbag, but the light never seemed to reach my heart.
I’d been so excited over the possibilities Sebastian wanted to share with me, but now he wasn’t here and it all just seemed so sad. Sad and pointless. Being alone had never bothered me that much, but after tasting what being with someone could feel like, the isolation was palpable.
As Mrs. Hopkins left, Ziggy raced between her legs and into the shop, jumping around excitedly. Leaning down, I scratched him behind the ears.
“What’s going on?” Vanessa asked, closing the door. “Hopkins have some news?”
“I got an offer,” I replied, staring at the empty shelf in front of me. It was like I was staring into a mirror. “Thirty thousand over asking.”
“What?” Vanessa’s mouth fell open. “That much?”
I nodded. “Seems like the Page Break is going to become a spa and salon before summer rolls around.”
“You accepted?”
I shrugged. “It’s the deal of the century, or so I hear.”
“You don’t look very happy about it.”
“I’m just...” My words got stuck as a wave of tears threatened to choke me. Swallowing, I said, “I’m numb to everything.”
“Oh, Juniper.”
My melancholy turned to annoyance and I scowled before returning to the books I’d been sorting. “Don’t worry, given enough time,
I’ll forget any of this ever happened.”
“This is for you.” She thrust a while envelope in front of me.
“What’s this?” My name and the address had been handwritten on the front, but there was no stamp or postmark. I took it from her and turned it over, but there was no return address.
“It’s from Sebastian.”
A pang of emotion zapped through my body and I dropped the envelope like it’d burned my fingers. It fell to the floor, wedging itself between two piles of books.
He was writing me letters after the way I’d shoved him out of here? It’s not a letter, I thought, it’s a non-disclosure agreement.
I had no idea what to say.
“In what universe does a bad boy rock star send handwritten love letters?” Vanessa asked. “You should read it.”
“It’s not a love letter.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s a contract. An NDA.”
“Juniper, seriously?” She sighed and picked up the envelope and set it on the shelf next to me. “You really have to stop thinking the worst of people.”
“Why? People just hurt one another. It’s what they do.”
“Open it, then,” she declared. “Open it and prove me wrong.”
“Fine.” I snatched up the envelope and tore it open. Pulling out the folded pages inside, I hesitated. “It’s...” My hands shook as I unfolded the letter and my eyes skimmed the first few lines.
Dear Juniper,
The time I spent with you was more than a fantasy. It was so much more. I was drowning in darkness and you—
I closed the letter and wiped away a stray tear. He’d written me a letter. An actual letter in his handwriting.
“Read it,” Vanessa said. “When you’re ready to make your decision, let me know.”
Her words hardly registered, but I nodded.
“Could you...” I took a deep breath. “Could you leave Ziggy?”
“Of course. He’s good for emotional support.”
Vanessa left the shop and I waited for the lock to click before moving. Sitting cross-legged amongst piles of books and dust with a little Jack Russell at my feet, I opened Sebastian’s letter.