Against the Dawn

by amanda bonilla

  The past year was a blur, yet so much had been crammed into those twelve short months. And even though I knew the only thing that could fix us was to lay ourselves bare and put it all out on the table, I couldn’t force myself to open the floodgates. And I knew deep down that Ty wasn’t ready, either.

  His lips thinned and the air around us cooled once again. “I’ve been instructed by the Synod to limit our relationship to that of protector and Charge. If I ignore their mandate—let’s just say they won’t be very happy about it.”

  Before Adira left to face the Synod for her own transgressions she told me that Jinn weren’t meant to love the ones they protect. Could that be the rule that Tyler broke? “I take it the Synod frowns on love affairs at the work place?”

  He gave me a sad smile. “Pretty much.”

  “So, what do we do now?”

  Ty’s gaze locked with mine. He reached over and gently took my left hand in his right. His thumb grazed over my ring in an almost loving caress and he bent down to place a kiss on each of my knuckles. “Darian, there is no man, no magic, no force of nature in this world that could keep me from loving you.”

  His words nearly stopped my heart and stalled the air in my lungs. Tears stung at my eyes and I realized that no matter what, we’d get through this and find our way back to each other. My voice was thick with the emotions that overtook me when I replied, “I always knew you were a rebel.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  I think one of my problems, in all of my ignorance, is that I never truly understood the complexities of love. Because I’d gone so long without being able to recognize it, I’d built the concept in my mind to an unattainable standard. One that rivaled Disney Princesses and other such bullshit. But love wasn’t a newly paved highway that you cruised along with a smile plastered on your face. Real love was a rocky back country road. One with ruts and fallen logs, and crazy detours that took you miles off the path before you realized you needed to double back to get to where you needed to go. Love was a knock-down, drag-out fight. And Ty had essentially told me that the gloves were about to come off.

  “I’m broken, Ty.” Might as well call a spade a spade.

  “You’re many things, Darian, but broken isn’t one of them. You can leave for six months or sixty years, it’s not going to change the way I feel about you.”

  The past year had been a nightmare. A study in what not to do in a relationship. I’d lied, kept secrets, run away not once, but twice. Rushed headlong into dangerous situations without a second thought as to who might get hurt in the process. And then there was... “Xander,” I said on a slow exhale.

  “It’s not going to change the way I feel about him, either,” Ty replied with a smirk.

  I threw my head back on the cushions and let out a groan of frustration. What a complete clusterfuck I’d made out of everything.

  “Look, I’m not going to lie, whenever I think of you with him, it’s all I can do not to decimate a city block. So I try not to think about it. Ever.”

  To be honest, I was doing my damnedest not to think about it, either. Only because I knew that Xander and I were going to have to have it out. Soon. And our confrontation wouldn’t be something I’d enjoy given his latest temper tantrum with Raif. The shitty thing was, I couldn’t blame Xander. Not a bit. I’d gone after him. Used him to help me get over Tyler. The end result was on me. I’d never told Xander I loved him, but that didn’t matter.

  “I feel like the odds are against us.” Understatement. “The Synod, Xander, and let’s not forget my own hang ups and that I manage to ruin everything I touch. I don’t even know how to move forward from here.”

  “One step at a time,” Tyler replied, his voice full of unspoken emotion.

  I gave a derisive snort. “You have the patience of a saint.”

  “No,” Ty said simply. “I’m not patient and I’m sure as hell not a saint. But there are things in this life that are worth waiting for.”

  A riot of butterflies swirled in my stomach at his tender words. Ty could affect me with a look, his declarations were enough to unravel me completely. “The Synod is watching you, aren’t they? Making sure you walk the straight and narrow.”

  He nodded.

  “Are you afraid of them?” I’d never known Ty to be afraid of anyone or anything, but I knew that if he was riled over me asking questions, they must have had him spooked.

  “No,” Tyler said, rueful. “They’re afraid of me.”

  I was reminded of what Levi said to me about Tyler’s unassuming nature. He’d hinted that Tyler was deflecting, staying under the radar so no one paid him much attention. There was an undercurrent of power that pulsed from Tyler, soft waves that buffeted my skin like the ocean kissing the shore. Could it be that what I’d always found so comforting was really a cloaked power that would make even his own kind cower in its presence?

  And if so, why did that put him in danger?

  “Does any of this have to do with Nys’Asdar?”

  He gave me a look that brooked no further discussion. He refused to divulge anything about it but it wasn’t fair for him to keep me in the dark. “I tried to take it off,” I said as I twirled the ring on my thumb. If Nys’Asdar wasn’t real, then there should be no problem with me talking about a simple piece of jewelry. “After we broke up. Damn thing wouldn’t budge past my knuckle.”

  “Why did you want to take it off?” Ty was a total failure at coming off as nonchalant.

  “Adira showed up at Xander’s one night. Told me that you two were together and that you were happy with her. I couldn’t stand having that piece of you on my body and I tried to take it off.”

  “That piece of me?” His brow furrowed and he looked at me as though trying to read my thoughts. Interesting.

  “The bear.” I traced the carving with my forefinger as I had so many times in the past. “It’s like you’re with me even when you’re not.”

  He reached up and cupped my face in his hands. Our gazes locked and I lost myself in the hazel depths that I found so all-consuming, so mesmerizing. “Right now, you have control.” The warm timbre of his voice sent a pleasant chill down my spine. “Keep that thought in the forefront of your mind.”

  His lips found mine, a flutter of contact that I felt all the way down to my toes. Slowly, Ty lowered his hands to his side, careful that our only contact was his lips on mine. I waited for him to deepen the kiss but he didn’t. His mouth parted slightly, just enough to make me want more. His lips were firm yet yielding against mine. Gentle. And that’s when I realized that this was my show and nothing would go any further than I wanted it to go. I was in control. Kade had taken that away from me. He’d made me a victim. An addict. He’d stolen my will and ability to choose and Tyler was giving it back to me.

  I’m in control.

  It was no small thing for Ty to make this concession. After all, he was as big a control freak as I was. But it felt so good to be calling the shots. To know that every decision from this moment on was mine to make. In fact, it was damned heady.

  I reached up and dove into the thick curling locks of his hair, letting the silky strands tease my skin as they slipped through my fingertips. He shivered when I traced a path down the back of his neck and then over the muscled expanse of his back and around the fronts of his shoulders, until my palms were flush with the hard planes of his chest. Through the thin worn fabric of his t-shirt, not a single detail was masked by the garment, and I allowed myself to go lower, over the stiff flat nipples and over the ridge of abs until my hands came to rest at the waist of his jeans. A low moan, almost inaudible, rumbled in Ty’s throat as his body tensed.

  I’m in control.

  The mantra helped to keep me calm as my tongue flicked out to tease his bottom lip. His mouth parted slightly and I leaned in closer, as I rose up on my knees so I could face him. The couch cushions shifted under my weight but now my face was level with Tyler’s and I slanted my mouth across his, eager to feel his tongue slide agai
nst mine. The first touch was tentative, just the tip of my tongue to the tip of his and then deeper as I savored his taste.

  I could do this for hours. Nothing but slow languid kisses and Ty’s breath mingling with mine. Tension vibrated over his body, the stillness he exercised a study in restraint. He might as well have been tied with cords of rope, his arms secured at his sides. He wouldn’t make a move to touch me until I gave him permission and it tested his limits, too. But he did this for me, surrendered himself to my whims. He wouldn’t let this go any farther than I would allow it to.

  My hand brushed his fly and Ty sucked in a breath. His erection strained against his jeans and it made my own breath quicken to feel the evidence of his desire. I took his hands in mine and guided them under my tank top. The contrast of his cooler skin caused me to break out into chills as he gently kneaded my flesh. I didn’t know if I could handle much more contact than this, but I refused to stop until I’d reached my limit. I urged him higher and he hesitated. Against his mouth I murmured, “It’s okay, Ty. I want this,” giving him the permission he needed to venture higher until the backs of his fingers brushed the undersides of my breasts.

  Heavy with want, my breasts tingled, the nipples hardening at even a hint of his touch. I arched into him to let him know I wanted more and eased my hand back to his jeans as I worked the button on his fly. His touch was tentative, his thumbs feathering outward over the fabric of my bra, the pads brushing over my nipples with a whisper of contact that fired all of my nerve endings at once.

  I pushed myself off the couch and moved to stand between Ty’s legs. If I closed my eyes, shut myself off from this moment, I’d fall back into the past. So I kept my gaze locked with his, made sure that I lived in the present and nowhere else. My breath hitched in my chest as I peeled the shirt from my body and discarded it beside me. Fingers shaking, I unclasped my bra.

  “It’s been a year.” Ty’s words were strained, raw. “Gods, Darian. That year was a lifetime.”

  My heart fluttered in my chest, from both my anxiety and the heat of his words. Like fresh river water meeting the salt sea, I was at odds with myself. My own need to protect myself battling with my want of Tyler. A soft smile curved my lips as I realized that with Tyler, I got everything I needed and wanted. Before me was a man who’d never force me, would handle me gently. Would never intentionally hurt me or manipulate me. He’d die to protect me. The problems we’d had weren’t any different than any other couple navigating the rough waters of a relationship. There wasn’t a malicious bone in Tyler’s body. He wasn’t sadistic or cruel. And despite everything he knew about me, the problems we’d had, he still wanted me. Accepted me for who I was and didn’t try to change me.

  How could I feel anything but comfort in his presence? My misgivings, my fear evaporated under Tyler’s heated gaze. His total acceptance of me and all of my broken pieces mattered more than any hurt I’d suffered at anyone else’s hands. “I love you, Tyler,” I said as though I’d only just realized it.

  He smiled. “I love you, too.”

  I let the bra fall to the floor and leaned over to peel Ty’s shirt off his body. His palms reached out to cup my breasts and an urgent need began to build as I quickly shucked my pants and underwear and helped to relieve him of his. I straddled his lap and positioned myself right above the straining length of his erection. For a long moment, we started at each other, our breaths equally labored with restraint. I combed my fingers through his hair, scraping my nails along his scalp and his lids became heavy. Tyler’s lips parted on a groan.

  “Darian.”

  My name was a desperate plea and I answered by seating myself on top of him, taking him deep inside of me. Our voices melded into one as we each let out a cry so akin to relief, as though the joining of our bodies had made complete a single broken soul. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, held him as close to me as I could. His breath was cool on my neck, the silky strands of his hair tickling my cheek.

  “Darian. Oh, gods, Darian.” Ty rolled his hips as his arms came around me, holding me tight as I cleaved to him. I matched his rhythm, my cheek pressed against his temple. Sharp gasps of breath worked in my chest with each deep thrust. Waves of delicious pleasure speared through me, ripples that quickly built into a tidal wave.

  Tyler’s body tensed, his thighs as solid as marble beneath me, his arms an iron vise around me. The muscles in his shoulders and back flexed beneath my palms and his breathing grew more ragged in my ear. He filled me completely, each upward thrust of his hips laying claim to me. The pleasure built, blinding me, stealing any conscious thought I might have had until there was nothing but the two of us and the sounds of bodies as they met and parted.

  Ty’s mouth brushed my shoulder, my collar bone, and he ventured lower. I arched my back, angling one breast toward his lips and he took the stiff peak into his mouth, sucking greedily. The coolness of his mouth elicited a gasp and I rode him with abandon, grinding my hips into his as he suckled me mercilessly. His teeth grazed the sensitive skin and I cried out, only to have him switch to my other breast, to which he paid the same the reverent attention.

  My abdomen tightened, a sensation that coiled inward from my belly button drawing me inside of myself until every inch of me was drawn tight. Desperate whimpers escaped my lips as Ty rolled my nipple between his teeth, the light sting sending me closer to the edge. I wound my fingers into his hair, holding him against me. The tension built until I didn’t think I could take one more flick of his tongue, or another powerful thrust.

  The orgasm swept me up in a wild storm, pulse after pulse of pleasure cresting and crashing over me only to crest again immediately. I cried out, Tyler’s name on my lips nothing more than a ragged sob as I lost myself to the sensation. His body stilled beneath me, tensed to the point I thought he’d break. He threw his head back and a shout burst from his lips as he came. And on its heels, a rush of raw energy followed, so powerful that it stole my breath.

  “A lifetime,” he panted against my throat. “I’ve waited a lifetime for you to come back to me.”

  Tears gathered in my eyes at the intensity of emotions assaulting me. I didn’t move. Couldn’t. I refused to break the connection between our bodies and Tyler was content to remain still as well. For long moments we held each other in silence. The only communication between us the feather light touches of fingertips brushing skin. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so utterly content. So sated. As though my world had finally righted itself and I’d found my way home. And yet, despite the calm that settled on me, I knew that we were far from finding true peace.

  “I could break our bond,” I whispered against his cheek. If the bond was the only thing standing in our way—the one thing that kept Ty on the Synod’s radar—the decision to sever it was simple. Nothing would change between us. We’d be free to love each other without the Synod’s scrutiny.

  Ty traced a lazy pattern across my shoulder blades and I shivered. “I would never let you do that. All severing our bond will accomplish is to free me to be bound to another. And the binding, Darian, it’s not a choice. Not for me. When a Charge’s soul calls out to mine, the binding is a necessity that I’m powerless to fight.”

  No wonder he had control issues. As omnipotent as the Jinn might have seemed, I couldn’t help but feel as though the bond of protecting someone made Tyler nothing more than a slave. “They’ve given you this mandate because of Kade, am I right? Because Adira bound herself to him and he was able to siphon her power.”

  Ty lifted me in his arms and when he withdrew from my body, I felt empty. Incomplete. He laid me down on the couch and stretched out beside me, folding me into his arms. “Adira was careless and foolish, but no, this has nothing to do with Kade and everything to do with fear. The Synod is afraid, Darian. They’ve always been afraid.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of what they can’t control.”

  Cryptic. Typical Ty. Control seemed to be the theme of the night. “You want
to elaborate on that?”

  “Not right now,” Tyler murmured with a sigh. “But I need you to stop asking questions, okay? You won’t get the answers you’re looking for and the only thing you’ll accomplish is to invite scrutiny.”

  “So you’re asking me to quit being nosy because in doing so it will keep you safe?”

  I felt him smile against my cheek. “Pretty much.”

  “That’s dirty pool.”

  “I know, and I’ll apologize for it later. After the smoke has cleared.”

  “And in the meantime, what about us?” There was still so much that had gone unsaid. Too many wounds that still needed tending.

  “I’m not worried about us, Darian.” He stroked a finger over my shoulder and down my arm. “As long as we have each other, we’re going to be okay.”

  God, I hoped he was right.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Tell me about your family.”

  Azriel lay on his side, propped up on an elbow, looking down on me as he threaded his fingers through my hair. “You are my family, Darian.”

  I twined a hand around his neck and levered myself up off the bed to plant a gentle kiss on his lips. “You know what I mean. What were they like?” My own family could barely claim the title. My father was a selfish, machinating soul whose only concerns were the state of his investments and his standing amongst his peers, while my mother had been a cold, heartless woman who showed more affection to her socialite friends than she did her own daughter.

  He exhaled in a thoughtful sigh, his eyes fixed on some faraway distraction as the pad of his finger traced a path down the column of my throat, across my collarbone and over the swell of my breast. A pleasant shudder traveled the length of my body and I snuggled in closer to him, tucking the sheets around us. “My father taught me…” Azriel paused as though at a loss for words. “The value of a strong will. From my mother, I learned that ambition is nothing to be ashamed of. And my uncle taught me the greatest lessons of all, that any battle can be won through determination, training, and the good sense to overestimate your opponent.”