Hello Life!

by Marcus Butler

  But even with that in mind, you still need to build the confidence to engage with a person you’re crushing on, because asking them out cold probably isn’t going to work. You’ll have to build some kind of relationship with them first (though beware the previously discussed Friend Zone!), so chat with them in class, or before a work meeting.

  It’s important to remember at this stage that subtlety is very important. If you like someone, don’t go into the conversation with a desperate mind-set, where you’re thinking, I like this person. I have to start a conversation with them! Your body language might throw them off and your entire game plan will have been busted. Especially if you go up to them with the line: “Hi, you don’t know me, but I think I’m in love with you.” Cringe.

  3 DO SOME GROUNDWORK

  You’ve identified The One. You’ve successfully negotiated Stage Two, so now you have to find out a little more about your Object of Desire. Talk to them. Find out what they’re into, whether that’s music, fashion, art, or sports. If there’s some common ground, seize it. Build up a relationship and work out what makes that other person tick.

  4 FLIRT

  Don’t be scared to flirt. If you’re feeling a connection with someone at college or work, drop a subtle hint. Sometimes a smile across the office is enough, or a reassuring joke when things are getting a little bit stressful during study sessions—that kind of thing. It’s always good if you can make someone laugh, and if your jokes are being reciprocated, there’s a good chance that this person likes you back. Never, under any circumstances, ever wink at them. Ugh!

  I know that with Niomi and me, it was a friend thing at first, though we weren’t quite in the Friend Zone. I was always telling friends, “Yeah, I like her, but does she like me?” I’d flirt with anyone, and I wouldn’t mind if they didn’t flirt back. I’d just laugh about it. So when Niomi started flirting, too, I thought, Wow, this is cool! She wanted to go forward as well. Our chemistry helped it to happen.

  Never, under any circumstances, ever wink at them

  OK, now it’s decision time. If you’re feeling uber-confident, skip to Stage Six; otherwise read on. . . .

  5 TECHNOLOGY IS YOUR FRIEND

  Use it. All that stuff is vital in the modern dating game. Writing down your feelings in a text or e-mail gives you time and space. You haven’t got to face someone and you can plan what you want to say. It might even be an idea to bounce your message or e-mail off a friend for advice first. They can tell you whether you sound a bit stalkerish or not.

  There is one downside to approaching someone online, and that’s the lack of reaction. It’s impossible to see how someone is taking your exciting offer of a lunch date at the local coffee shop. Are they jumping for joy, or recoiling in horror? Every possible outcome will flash through your mind as you see the dreaded “…” symbol flashing at the bottom of your text box. Get ready. Death or glory is coming your way. . . .

  6 TOP-LEVEL DATING S***

  So you want to do it the old-school way: through a real conversation. Well, congrats. Being able to ask someone out in person is great. It shows courage, and it proves you can speak about your emotions. But it’s also advanced stuff. It’s the ninja school of dating.

  I remember at school, thinking, I really like this person, and I really like that person, but I’m not going to ask them out. I’d imagine the worst-case scenario, like asking a girl out and having her laugh in my face. Then her friends laughing in my face. And everyone in school mocking me for it afterward. But then I always figured, What’s the worst thing that can happen? Seriously, if the risk of having someone reject you and laugh at you is all that’s getting in the way of your journey to true love, then toughen up.

  Always remember the basics, though: clean teeth, have a shower, do your hair. But if the other person is into body odor and dirty fingernails, then by all means don’t wash for a week or two.

  7 PREPARE FOR SUCCESS

  They’ve said “Yes.” Sweet! So now what? Make sure you’ve got somewhere to suggest right away. Don’t leave the idea of a date hanging because the other person will think you’re not that serious. Instead, have something and somewhere in mind, which, if you’ve nailed Stage Three, should come easily.

  8 READY YOURSELF FOR FAILURE

  Rejection hurts, I know, and the level of pain will depend on the depth of your feelings. But you will get over it. And it’s important that you don’t lose your self-confidence. When you’ve been knocked down, it’s so easy to go into a negative spiral, to think: Great, I like that person, she doesn’t like me, so that means that no one else is going to like me. Before long you’ve gone into free fall. Am I always going to be on my own? What’s wrong with me? What the hell?!

  The truth is, if they’ve said “No,” think, Great—one less person to waste my mental calories on. Concentrate on meeting someone who is interested in you instead, and, believe me, there are plenty of options out there for everyone.

  BANISH THOSE FIRST-DATE NERVES FOREVER

  Going on a first date can be a nerve-racking experience. But with a few nifty life hacks you can quickly settle the butterflies. . . .

  1 LOOK HOT!

  Get dressed up in something you know you’ll look amazing in (so maybe not a mankini). If you’re unsure, snap a pic of you in your outfit and send it to friends for a second opinion.

  2 LOOK CONFIDENT

  Stand up straight, and don’t slouch at the table. It’ll work wonders for your mood. But don’t stand up too straight when you walk in for the first time. At best you’ll seem arrogant, at worst you’ll look like a robot.

  3 PREPARE A FEW TALKING POINTS BEFOREHAND . . .

  Not “What’s your favorite color?” Instead, think of a few things that are going to get your date interested, stuff that you know they’re into. Or maybe drop in some interesting subjects, such as:

  • What’s on your bucket list?

  • Craziest thing you’ve ever done?

  • If you could hang out with anyone in the world, who would it be?

  Do your prep, because no one likes an awkward silence. They’re called “awkward” for a reason, right?

  4 . . . BUT REMEMBER: IT’S NOT A JOB INTERVIEW

  Because a constant stream of questions is just weird.

  5 UNLEASH YOUR INNER LION!

  If you’re really stressed, run to the bathroom, lock yourself in a stall, and get animal-like: adopt a power pose by standing straight for a minute with your legs wide apart. Place your hands behind your head and then lean back. I know, super-weird, right? But trust me, it’ll unleash your inner lion and the confidence will surge through you (some science dudes from an American university figured this out). Just don’t spend too long in there. . . .

  6 THE ME, ME, ME CHECKLIST

  Remember the time you scored the winning goal in a soccer final, or aced that karaoke competition? Got a special talent? A swimming medal? Look good in skinny jeans? Just before you show up for a first date, run a checklist in your brain of all things you’re proud of. Trust me, you’ll be buzzing with self-confidence afterward.

  7 YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE . . .

  Take a little comfort in remembering that the person you’re meeting has said “Yes” to hanging out with you. That’s a start! Chances are, he or she will be a bit nervous, too. And why not? You’re hot stuff!

  MOVE YOUR BODY

  Want to know how your date is going at a glance? Then check his or her body language for clues.

  YOU’RE IN IF . . .

  • They’re playfully fiddling with jewelry or hair.

  • Your date is mirroring your body language—it shows they may be interested in you.

  • Your date leans in while you’re telling the one about how you embarrassingly locked yourself in an airplane toilet.

  • Their feet are pointing toward you. If those toes are wiggling happily, you might want to think about calling a taxi back to your place!

  • They have uncrossed legs in a comfortabl
e pose. Always a good sign.

  • They’re in an open-armed pose with upturned palms. They’re so into you.

  • You’re receiving longing gazes and smiles, combined with an occasional shy downward glance. This is a positive sign rather than an indication you’ve got food stuck to your face.

  YOU’RE OUT IF . . .

  • Your date is making space between the two of you while you talk.

  • They’re pointing their feet away from you.

  • They’re rubbing their eyes, scratching their nose, or massaging the back of their neck. These are heavy hints that your usual charm and chat isn’t working.

  • There’s a strange look or two. You might want to start thinking about your next target.

  • Their legs are crossed and their arms folded. Time to get the hell out!

  “When you really don’t like a guy, they’re all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they’re no longer interested.”

  —Beyoncé

  THE SOCIAL MEDIA RELATIONSHIP WORKSHOP

  As if life wasn’t complicated enough, then along came social media. For some of you, it’s always been there—a constant source of communication throughout your life, where everyone and everything can be linked with the swipe of a finger. For others, the world changed forever, seemingly overnight, with the introduction of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and all the other places where we can hang out online.

  All of these sites are great. They can make the world a smaller place, terrifyingly so sometimes. They’ve connected people who had lost touch a long time ago. I’ve built an entire career out of it! You can even find dates on social media these days (not that I’ve done it). But there are pitfalls, especially when it comes to a budding romance and relationship issues. Here are the traps everyone should avoid when playing out their love life via the internet.

  When I decided to walk home from a bar with virtually no clothes on . . . First (boys’) vacation, age seventeen

  RULE 1 DITCH THE PICTURES OF YOUR EX

  It’s easy, after a year or so, to forget about an ex, but it’s good to do a spring cleaning every now and then. Sweep away all those cuddly photos. The minute you meet someone new they will do a little bit of healthy Facebook stalking (we all do it). If there’s a new person that you like, do you really want them to see those old pictures of you and your ex?

  RULE 2 DON’T BECOME FRIENDS WITH MOM ON FACEBOOK

  She’ll see all your terrible photos. She’ll see your partner’s terrible photos, and you’ll both be miserable forever. Unless your mom’s cool, in which case it’ll be all right.

  RULE 3 NAKED SELFIES ARE NEVER A GOOD IDEA

  Never, ever, ever. It’s not going to get you anywhere with anyone and you both could get into serious trouble with the police, especially if you start sending them out willy-nilly (excuse the pun). Even if they’re for personal use only, there are some seriously sleazy hackers out there. Before you know it, your “arty filtered naked selfie” could be all over the web.

  Here’s a little lesson from my college days: there was once this couple who filmed themselves having sex, when all of a sudden the guy’s mom walked into the bedroom. There was a bit of a scene, some shouting, clothes were thrown on very quickly. It was all very American Pie. Over the next few days, the dude involved showed the video to a few friends. I guess he thought it was funny. The joke was soon on him when the video was texted to a less trustworthy buddy. Before long, everyone in college had seen their racy home movie—and I mean everyone.

  One day, the poor guy even came into class only to see his dangly bits up on a projector screen (the teacher had yet to come in, I’d like to point out. It wasn’t Biology) and he was mocked for the rest of the year. So think of that story if ever you’re tempted to take a naked selfie. Sure, if you want to know what you look like naked, have a look in the mirror, but keep it private and never ever take a naked picture to share. Got that?

  RULE 4 DON’T BE A RELATIONSHIP ATTENTION-SEEKER

  I see people on the internet who seem to get a kick out of writing their life story online. So your boyfriend has dumped you? OK, pour your heart out to some friends in private. The rest of the world doesn’t need to know how awful he was every single day of the week.

  Then there are those friends who love to leave a cryptic cliffhanger in a desperate attempt to get some interest from the outside world. Usually it’ll go something like this:

  “Well, I didn’t see that coming. FML.”

  “I can’t believe he did that . . .”

  Someone will usually take the bait. They’ll ask, “Whassup, babe?” Before they know it, they’ve been bombarded with a page-long rant about some relationship issue or other. Beware of these people: they’re on a fishing expedition. Instead of seeking advice from someone close, they’re playing out their emotional trauma in public, usually for kicks. Boring.

  RULE 5 DRUNKEN DECLARATIONS OF LOVE (AND HATE)

  Keep your issues between yourselves! It’s so boring for everyone when an argument is being shouted about on Facebook like a social media version of EastEnders.

  Here’s Sophie and Geoff:

  SOPHIE: Wow, Geoff is such a twat; he was reading through all the texts on my phone.

  GEOFF: Sophie is a jerk. She told me to de-friend an ex.

  We get it. Geoff’s a twat. Sophie’s a jerk. Now can we all get on with the important business of watching cats playing drums on YouTube, please?

  RULE 6 BEWARE THE INAPPROPRIATE PHOTO

  I recently posted a photo of my vlogging camera on Instagram with the caption, “Me and you.” It was meant to represent the fact that I take my camera everywhere I go and share what I do with the viewers, while showing the equipment I use to make my videos. The filter was really arty too—I was pleased with the shot. What I hadn’t realized when I’d placed the pic online was that the camera was nestling in my lap. Awkward. Every comment afterward claimed I’d been taking crotch shots, which I hadn’t, OK? OK?!

  RULE 7 KEEP WORK AND LOVE SEPARATE ON SOCIAL MEDIA

  Facebook for friends and relationships. Twitter for everything else. And don’t be friends with your boss on Facebook because they’ll see you at your worst. It’s also worth remembering that whatever your legal rights to privacy, some companies have been known to go through the Facebook profiles of any potential employees after job interviews, so as much as you want to have a laugh online, always think, If someone is going through my Facebook profile, what impression are they going to get?

  If you’re photographed lifting trophies, helping old ladies across the road, and doing volunteer work, then great. But those pics of you downing Jägerbombs might not be the best idea.

  RULE 8 DON’T CHECK IN EVERYWHERE

  My stepdad will check in literally every place he goes, even the gas station, and it’s a bit of a cringe, but it’s so funny. He loves a good ol’ check-in, but you should keep a handle on it. Just think: you don’t want to be seen as the person who brags about all those fancy places you’ve been to—like the McDonald’s toilets.

  RULE 9 PUT IT AWAY

  You don’t want to reveal all your private stuff to a lot of strangers. I love sharing my life with my viewers on YouTube, but I do still have a privacy boundary that I feel is important. I think the intimate things, like parts of my relationship with Niomi, should be off-limits. I don’t film us kissing, for example. Some people do that with their partners and that’s cool, but I want to keep things like that for us. Things that should be kept from the outside world include your partner’s moles in strange places, the bed (and things that go on in it), weird lumps and bumps, and any toilet activities. Ugh.

  Having said that, my audience is a great source of knowledge. Sometimes it’s like having my own personal Wikipedia page. If ever I have something wrong, maybe an illness, I’ll describe the symptoms in a video. Afterward the comments section will be flooded with helpful suggestions and preventatives, all of them helping to restore my health to a hu
ndred percent.

  RULE 10 SOCIAL MEDIA AND DRINK

  The two don’t mix. The amount of times I drunk-tweeted when I was younger was ridiculously frequent. The next day I’d almost always feel sick with embarrassment when I went through the tweets. Turn it off.

  A true relationship is someone who accepts your past, supports your present, loves you, and encourages your future.

  —Thomas Edison

  FIVE THINGS TO DO WHILE YOUR OTHER HALF GETS READY

  1 WRITE A BOOK

  In the time it usually takes Niomi to get her game face on, I could have written a few chapters for a Twilight-style literary sensation. Give it a go yourself. (I’m not comparing your loved one to the undead, by the way!)

  2 DRAW A PICTURE

  Get creative. Imagine what your other half is going to look like when they’re finally done, then get it down on a pad with some crayons, or watercolors if you’re feeling super-inspired. Hold your masterpiece up against them when they’re finally finished and compare results. (Please feel free to tweet them to me.)