Cut and Run

by Amy Elizabeth

  “Why shouldn’t he? I left him.”

  “Maybe you should call him,” her friend suggested.

  “He called me last week to tell me that Star is in foal.”

  “What? Rebecca, that’s awesome! He bred her?”

  “No. Not intentionally, anyway. It must’ve happened the night of the fire, when all the horses were loose.”

  “That’s wicked cool, sis,” Jeff said. “So did you guys talk for a while?”

  “Nope,” she replied, feeling disheartened just at the thought of it. “He didn’t say he missed me. He didn’t want to talk. He just told me about Star, and that was it. The conversation lasted about thirty seconds.”

  She heard her brother groan in the background. “You and Alec have got to be the two most stubborn people on the planet, you know that? Both of you need to have your heads examined. You’re completely hopeless without each other, but neither of you will admit it, let alone try to fix it. I don’t understand, Bec. Have you spent any time with Mom yet? Tried to smooth things over with her?”

  Rebecca grunted. She hadn’t told Jeff about Karl’s connection to Sean, for fear her brother would come back and beat the living daylights out of him–or worse.

  “No.”

  “Made any new friends on campus?”

  “Not really.”

  “Enjoying your classes?”

  “They’re okay.”

  Jeff sighed. “Those are all the reasons you went back to Boston, and you’re not doing anything about them. So what are you still doing there, when everyone you love is out here?”

  “I don’t know what I’m doing here!” she shouted, slamming her textbook closed. “You were right, Jeff! I should’ve stayed in Jackson. Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  “I don’t care about being right, sis. I just want you to be happy. And you’re not.”

  His words stung her to the core. “I have to go. Enjoy your weekend.”

  She hung up before they could respond. Seconds later, her phone rang again, and she grimaced as she answered it. “I really don’t want to talk about this, Jeff. Please just drop it, okay?”

  There was a moment of silence. “Rebecca, is that you?”

  She gasped when she recognized the gravelly voice. “Walter?”

  Chapter 22

  “Hold the phone closer, Lucy,” Walter grumbled to someone in the background. “Yes, that’s better. Rebecca, are you there?”

  “I’m here,” she said, struggling to gather herself. “I’m so sorry. I was just having an argument with my brother and I thought–”

  “Would that argument have anything to do with my son?”

  First Jeff and Allison, now Walter, she thought in despair. How many more people were going to rub salt in her wounds today?

  “Yes, as a matter of fact. It did.”

  “May I speak frankly with you, my dear?”

  Rebecca sucked in a breath to prepare for the verbal lashing. “Go ahead.”

  “He’s a wrecked man since you left. A wrecked man. Hardly eats, barely sleeps. Hell, he’s in worse shape after a couple weeks with you than I was when Julianne left me after twelve years of marriage. He was so drunk last night that your brother had to drive him home from the bar in town. He still hasn’t come downstairs yet today.”

  She frowned, wondering why Jeff and Allison had left that part out of their story. “I’m sorry,” was all she could think to say, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat. “Walter, why are you telling me all of this? I feel bad enough as it is.”

  “And I’m not trying to make you feel worse,” he assured her. “Look, Rebecca, I know you had things at home you needed to take care of. I can respect that. And I know that part of the reason you left is because you were intimidated by Alec’s commitments, including taking care of me.”

  “Walter, I–”

  “Let me finish, dear,” he requested softly. “You looked out for me for two weeks while he was in the hospital. No one asked you to do that, and I’m so grateful to you for what you did. You really became like a daughter to me.”

  Rebecca squeezed her eyes shut, unable to respond.

  “But I’m fairly certain that the main reason you left is because my stubborn son wouldn’t ask you to stay here with him. Am I right?”

  Her mouth dropped open. “How could you possibly know that?”

  “Because I know Alec, and I know he’s fearful of repeating my mistakes. But what he doesn’t realize is that you’re nothing like his mother. I’d love to beat some sense into his obstinate head if I could.” He coughed against the mouthpiece and grumbled something to Lucy before continuing. “Now you’re both adults, and I’m not trying to poke my nose into your business. But if you’re half as miserable without him as he is without you, then you two need to do something to fix it.”

  “I don’t know how to fix it, though. The truth is, I could’ve stayed whether he asked me to or not, and he knows that. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive me for my decision to go. And I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself, after everything that he did for me.”

  Walter sighed. “I know a little something about forgiveness, Rebecca. It’s a dish best served often and in large amounts, and the most important person to forgive is yourself. I don’t want you to get to be my age before you realize that.” He paused. “If you don’t mind me asking, how are things working out for you where you’re at?”

  She dropped her head in her hand. “Nothing is working where I’m at. I don’t know what it was I thought I was coming back to. I don’t have much of anything left here.”

  “Well, young lady, you have a lot left back here. Aside from Alec, you have me, and I just wanted to call and tell you that. I miss you, Rebecca. I loved your charm and your kind heart from the minute I met you. I always wanted a daughter, but it wasn’t in the cards for me. I know you don’t have much in the way of family, so with the short time I have left, I would love it if you’d let me be a father to you.”

  At his heartfelt request, the truth came pouring out–the truth she’d been too ashamed to admit to her brother, to Alec, even to herself.

  “Walter, I’m not good enough for your family,” she choked, tears streaming down her cheeks. “If only you could see where I’ve come from…I’m trash compared to the two of you. You’re such a wonderful person, and Alec–Alec is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. That’s the real reason I didn’t stay. I could never even begin to measure up to what he deserves.”

  “Don’t you ever say that again,” the old man scolded. “If anything, my Alec is the one who isn’t good enough for you.”

  Rebecca collapsed in her bed after they hung up. How could she make them understand? She’d made so many mistakes and tainted herself at a tender age with all the wrong kinds of people and habits. She was exactly what Sean had accused her of being–a leopard trying to hide its spots.

  Alec, on the other hand, had lived an honest, clean, straightforward life. He didn’t have an ounce of deceit or malice anywhere in his body. How could somebody like her possibly deserve someone as good as him?

  Finally she composed herself and sat up, sucking in a shaky breath. Even though she’d already been on the phone all morning, she knew she had one more call to make.

  “Mom, can we meet for lunch?”

  “I would love to, honey,” Susan replied. “What day did you have in mind?”

  “I’ll be at Faneuil Hall in half an hour.”

  *

  Rebecca arrived at the colonial marketplace downtown and bought a bowl of clam chowder. She didn’t feel hungry, but she forced the food down anyway. She frowned when she spotted her mother in the crowd, wondering why she was wearing sunglasses on such an overcast day.

  Susan squeezed her way over to the table. “It’s good to see you, Bec,” she greeted, leaning down to give her a hug. “What’s wrong?”

  Wordlessly Rebecca reached out and took the sunglasses off her face. Her stomach churned when
she saw the swollen yellow remnants of a bruise under her right eye.

  “Mom,” she whispered. “Not again.”

  Susan gave her a stern look. “This afternoon is about you, not me,” she said, dropping her gaze to Rebecca’s bread bowl. “How’s the chowder?”

  “It’s good,” she answered, feeling terribly guilty for not returning her calls. “Are you hungry?”

  Her mother nodded as she took her sunglasses and replaced them on her face. “Let me get a bowl, and we’ll talk. Okay?”

  They ate their chowder in silence, watching the tourists and businessmen flock past them. At last Rebecca pushed her plate away, fixing her gaze on the empty packet of oyster crackers.

  “I did something really stupid, Mom. The worst mistake of my life.”

  “Honey, whatever it is, you can tell me.”

  For over two hours, Rebecca did just that. Start to finish, she left no detail out from the entire summer–Alec, Walter, Star, Sean, the letters, the fire. Susan listened with rapt attention, nodding or shaking her head where appropriate. When she finally finished, Rebecca slumped in her chair and awaited her mother’s reaction.

  “So let me get this straight,” Susan said. “This man looked out for you all summer, nearly died fighting off your ex-boyfriend, treated you with nothing but love and respect…and you left him to come back here? To what? Rebecca, what on earth were you thinking?”

  “I know, I know. Everyone told me it would be a horrible mistake, but I didn’t want to believe them. I was scared, Mom. I was so scared.”

  “Scared of what, honey?”

  “That he would wake up one day and look at me and realize that he was the one who made the mistake.” Her chin began quivering. “Look at where we come from. Look at the kind of life I’ve lived. I don’t deserve such a good man.”

  “So what kind of man do you deserve? One like Sean? Or Karl? Do you really think that little of yourself?”

  “Apparently you do.”

  Susan dropped her gaze, visibly stung by her comment.

  “Why do you continue to stay with him, Mom?” Rebecca asked. “He’s been nothing but a nightmare for you and for me. He helped Sean to pursue me, which nearly cost Jeff and several other people their lives. He uses you, he lies to you, and he hurts you. What are you still doing with him? How can you tell me that I deserve better when you’re settling for someone like Karl?”

  Her mother lifted her face. “Not all of us are so fortunate to have someone that will let us go as easily as Alec let you go.” She leaned forward and lowered her voice. “Do you have any idea what Karl would do to me if I tried to leave him? Do you know how many nights I’ve laid awake and mentally packed my bags, because I know I could never do it?”

  “You could if you really wanted to.”

  “I can’t. I’ve thought about it so many times, but I can’t do it. I don’t know where I would go. And wherever I went, Karl would find me, just like Sean found you. So it’s best for me to stay where I’m at and try to keep peace in the house.”

  Rebecca swallowed hard. “But how is that fair to you?”

  Susan gave a little shrug. “Since when is life fair for anyone? You think what happened to Alec’s father was fair?”

  “That’s different. It was an accident. You’re deliberately choosing to stay in a toxic relationship–”

  “And it’s my choice. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, and whatever else happens beyond that, I am at peace with it.” She paused. “I’m not strong like you are, Rebecca. You’re determined and stubborn and you can handle anything that life throws at you. I’m not like that, and I thank God you didn’t inherit my weaknesses.”

  “Mom, I’m not strong. And nothing about you is weak. It takes a much stronger person to stay than it does to leave. I know that because I took the coward’s way out.”

  “After what your father and Sean and Karl have put you through, I don’t blame you for being scared. But there are still a few decent men in this world, and you found one. So what if he has a long list of obligations? He loves you, honey, and that’s what matters. No relationship is ever going to have perfect circumstances.”

  Susan removed her glasses and reached across the table for Rebecca’s hand. “You have so much good in you. Just because you came from a rough background and you made some poor choices in the past doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough for him. You are not like Sean and everyone else you grew up with. You rose above it, just like your brother did, and I’m so proud of you for that.”

  Rebecca managed a wobbly grin. “Thanks, Mom. I needed to hear that.”

  “That’s all behind you, and none of it matters anymore. Let it go.”

  She dropped her gaze to her plate. “Another reason I came back is because I wanted to patch things up with you. I was so angry when I left in May. I swore I was never going to speak with you again. But I realized over the summer that it wasn’t the right thing to do. And I’m sorry for what I said when I found out about Karl. I wasn’t angry at you–just the situation.”

  Her mother nodded in understanding. “You have my love, Rebecca. You always have. I know that a lot of damage has been done, and maybe we’ll never be able to fully repair it, but I love you and I only want what’s best for you. I’ve made nothing but terrible decisions when it came to you and your brother and the men I’ve brought into your lives. I don’t expect you to forgive Karl for what he’s done to you, but I hope, one day, that you might be able to forgive me.”

  What was it Walter said about forgiveness? It’s a dish best served often and in large amounts. As Rebecca stared across the table at her mother, who was struggling to maintain her composure, she realized that this was the perfect place to start.

  “I do forgive you, Mom. I honestly do. I wish you would leave Karl, but that’s your decision to make, not mine. And I’m proud of the fact that you’ve gotten help for your drinking. It really does make me glad to see you trying so hard.”

  “Oh, Bec.” Susan stood and came over to her side of the table, kneeling down to give her a hug. “I needed to hear that, too.”

  *

  Rebecca managed to pass all of her mid-terms, but her heart wasn’t in them. She agonized for weeks after the lunch with her mother, thinking of what she would say if she ever found the nerve to call Alec. What could she say? Somehow, “I’m sorry” just didn’t seem like it would ever be enough.

  Something else was bothering her, too.

  On the first Thursday in November, she took a walk down to South Boston, meandering through her old neighborhood and finally emerging at the historic fort on Castle Island. She took a seat by the pier and stared at the dark water, reminiscing about the times she and Jeff had played here when they were kids. Finally she pulled out her cell phone and dialed his number. They hadn’t spoken since their argument, and she felt terrible about it.

  “Hey,” he greeted. “How are you, sis?”

  “I’ve been better,” she replied, watching a flock of seagulls drift by overhead. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry, too. I know you’re having a tough time. I didn’t mean to make it worse.”

  She let out a deep breath. “Why didn’t you tell me the whole story about the night you and Alli saw Alec?”

  There was a long silence. “How did you find out?”

  “His father called me.”

  “His father?”

  “Yeah. You want to tell me about it?”

  It was Jeff’s turn to sigh. “We debated all night whether or not to approach him. Finally I did. He turned around and I don’t think he recognized me at first. When he did, though, he took a swing at me.”

  “He hit you?” she gasped. “Why?”

  “Who knows? I think he just needed to lash out, and I happened to be there.” He chuckled sadly. “He missed me by a mile, by the way. Almost fell off his barstool. I’ve never seen someone in such bad shape. Considering where we grew up, that’s saying a lot.”
>
  Rebecca was floored. “So what happened?”

  “Well, the manager didn’t want any trouble, so she kicked us out. I had to drag him out to his truck and get the keys off him. We got him back to the ranch and up to his room, and when we came downstairs, his father’s nurse had wheeled him out to meet us. He’d been up all night, worried sick about Alec. Nicest man I’ve ever met in my life.”

  She cringed. “Yeah, he is. Did–did Alec say anything when you were driving him home?”

  “Yeah. He said never to tell you any of this.”

  “So why are you telling me?”

  “Because you’re my sister. My loyalty lies with you, not with him. And honestly, Bec, if you were doing well there, I probably never would tell you. But even though you’re hiding it better, I know you’re just as unhappy as he is.”

  *

  The following morning, after a restless night’s sleep, Rebecca forced herself to sit down and dial the farmhouse. Nearly three months had passed since she’d left Wyoming. She figured at this point that she and Alec could be open and honest with each other, whatever that would entail. She had no idea what to expect, but she knew that anything would be better than one more day of agonizing over what to do.

  Her stomach leapt into her throat when Lucy answered the phone. “Hello?”

  “Lucy, it’s Rebecca.”

  “Hey, Rebecca. How’s Boston treating you?”

  “It’s fine. Is Alec in?”

  “No, he’s in Colorado at a cattle auction. Won’t be back ‘til Monday.”

  “Oh.” She hadn’t expected that. “Well, thanks. I’ll try his cell.”

  Rebecca mustered her courage and dialed the number, but it went straight to his voice mail. She almost hung up, but she thought better of it and waited until she could leave a message.

  “It’s me,” she said, trying to keep the quiver out of her voice. “I just…wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I left. Your mother told me it would be the biggest regret of my life, and you know what? She was right.”

  She paused, struggling to gather her thoughts. “If there was anything I could do to change what I did, I would. I just thought it would be better to leave now and hurt you once, rather than stay and disappoint you down the road when you finally figured out the truth about me. Because the truth is…I’m not good enough for you, Alec. I’ll never be good enough for you. And I didn’t want to stay long enough for you to realize that.”