ASIM_issue_54

by ed. Simon Petrie

  * * *

  Sitting in the alien chair, I find myself growing angrier and angrier. These aliens believe they can do whatever they like, while fools like me sit back and let them.

  What makes them suppose that it’s acceptable to steal a man’s wife and his iguana? Who do these extraterrestrials think they are?

  I stand and begin pacing back and forth. Isabel is long gone now, but Iggy is still here in this starship. I’m three-quarters certain that a rescue attempt would be futile, but maybe I owe it to the iguana to try.

  I look around the little room where the alien deposited me, searching for anything that could be used as a weapon. There’s absolutely nothing, which means I’ll have to rely on my fists and my brain. But I’m not sure I can trust either in a fight.

  After a few deep, motivating breaths, I almost go back to the alien chair and forget all about my rescue plan. Then I take one more breath and stealthily slide out of the room and into the corridor.

  I’ve got my fists and my brain loaded up, but there are no aliens in sight. Lucky for them, I tell myself. But then it occurs to me to wonder what kind of range they might have with their mind-reading abilities. Am I giving myself away with my thoughts?

  It would be nice to be able to just stop thinking. Not that this is the first time I’ve thought that.

  I sneak down the corridor, pushing open doors and peering into rooms. The first three rooms don’t contain anything interesting, but in the fourth I discover what can only be a ray-gun. The iguana-stealing bastards are in trouble now.

  Returning to the corridor with the ray-gun, I am full of confidence. I’m going to save Iggy, return with him to Earth, and everything’s going to be fine.

  In the eighth room along this corridor I finally encounter some aliens. I count five of them, standing in a circle, and now it’s time to make some demands.

  Bursting through the doorway, I start swinging the ray-gun around like a madman. “I know what this is and I know how to use it,” I warn the enemy.

  The aliens face me. One of them steps forward. “That appears to be the remote control for one of our entertainment systems,” he says.

  Damn it.

  “Congratulations on knowing what it is and how to use it,” he says.

  Is he mocking me? I throw the useless thing at him, but somehow I miss his big alien head.

  He shifts position slightly, giving me a clearer view of the center of the alien circle. At first I think that they’re surrounding a statue, but that isn’t a statue at all. It’s my frozen wife.

  “Golly sakes!” I say, because I never would’ve guessed that the aliens coveting Iggy are precisely the same ones who coveted Isabel. “Did I just walk in on you worshiping my wife?”

  “Of course,” the lead alien replies. “This is the worship hour, after all.”

  “I’d like to talk to her,” I say. “Will you unfreeze her?”

  “That’s a highly irregular request for worship hour,” the alien tells me.

  “Do it,” I insist, “or I’ll find something else that looks like a ray-gun but probably isn’t and throw it at you.”

  The alien holds up his little alien hands in surrender. “There’s no need for threats,” he says. “Especially ridiculous ones.”

  And just like that Isabel comes alive.

  “Izzy!” I say.

  She blinks a few times. “Is it really you?” she asks. “How long has it been?”

  “It’s been three years,” I tell her.

  “Three years,” she utters. “They only occasionally unthaw me, so it’s difficult to keep track of the time.”

  “How have they treated you?” I ask.

  “Like a goddess,” she says. “I really can’t complain.”

  If she’d given any other answer, I’d be bringing my fists and my brain back out, and having a go at these aliens.

  The lead alien reads my mind, and raises his hands again.

  “Still,” says Isabel, “I’m ready to go home. Are you here to rescue me?”

  “You and Iggy,” I tell her.

  “They took Iggy?” she asks. “Why?”

  I shrug. “Apparently they wanted to worship him too.”

  “An iguana?” she says.

  “Why not?” I say.

  The alien clears his throat in a very human manner, as though he’s wanting to make a contribution to this conversation. As if he has something so important to say that he has to interrupt two spouses who haven’t seen each other in three years.

  “Apologies,” he says. “But there’s no way we can allow you to return to Earth with your wife and your iguana.”

  I face Isabel. “Sorry,” I tell her. “I tried.”

  “You’re giving up already?” she says.

  “No, of course not,” I assure her. I turn back to the aliens, and try to choose between my fists and my brain to settle this conflict. Maybe it’ll be some tricky combination of the two.

  “It will be difficult to trick us,” says the alien. “We’ll be aware of any plan you come up with as soon as you think it.”

  So there’s only one thing left to do. I fall to my knees. “Please,” I beg. “Can’t you see that you’re leaving me with nothing?”

  Isabel’s expression reveals that she doesn’t approve of this plan. “This is almost too pathetic to watch,” she says. “I’d almost rather be frozen again.”

  My alien nemesis is slightly less cold. “Okay,” he says. “We’ll give you a choice. You may return to Earth with one or the other, either your wife or your iguana.”

  One or the other. Izzy or Iggy. I need to think about this.

  Isabel is a remarkable woman. She can always find something to say about just about anything. She looks super nice when she gets dressed up, and she plays a hell of a game of miniature golf.

  But Iggy is a remarkable iguana. He’s always very careful about everything he does. He’s quiet, and he’s sensible.

  Isabel is staring at me like she can’t begin to imagine what I could possibly be considering. “You’re an idiot,” she says.

  And thus my choice is made.

  The Earth Spirit’s Favourite Anecdote

  …Zen Cho

  The year was 3288, the Year of the Qilin. I was born in the Year of the Nian, so I was 53 years old. Quite old already, and two eights is auspicious, so that year I left my parents’ hole and came to Kuala Ketam.

  Our kind can live with their parents their whole lives, from small to big until die, but it doesn’t work for everybody’s family. I left my parents because they always look Back. Whenever anything new happen, whenever anything change, they always say: let’s go Back, let’s go Back. Leave hole to go buy thing also, the whole time they keep thinking: go Back lah, go Back. How to live like that?

  I am not the kind of person who likes to go Back. That’s why I’m not so religious. I don’t have any problem with the gods, but they got price. Everybody got price one. The gods’ price is you must promise to go Back in the end. I never like to make promise—after cannot keep, then how? So I left loh. I wanted to go somewhere where I don’t have to do the same thing as everybody else, because everybody is doing different-different thing.

  Kuala Ketam was like that because of the mines. They mined tin there Back then when tin was still important, so got all kinds of spirits coming in. Gods, ghosts, monsters, all the hantu-hantu also got. And there was people like me: earth people, small spirit who just want to make enough money to send hole to their parents, and to save to build up their own hole.

  In that kind of society, with everybody new and mix up together and still don’t know the rules, got chance to make it if you’re smart. I saw that straight away. I dug a hole in a prime location, high land overlooking the river, and then I settle down and watch out for something to do.

  Of course it wasn’t that easy to find. I just come from the kampung, got no experience: who want to hire somebody like that? I was only a small earth spirit some more, no power in myself. But
don’t think I had nothing to do just because nobody give me a job. Want to set up a hole also have to work like siao. You cannot simply-simply dig a hole where you like—you have to get permission from the forest spirits first. If not they get angry and kick you out then how?

  The forest spirits were the first people at Kuala Ketam, before all the immigrants came. You know what they look like: tall, pointy-pointy ear, their skin greyish-brown like the tree trunk, eyes very big compared to ours. Their faces are hard to describe. Are they good-looking? Depends who you ask. This kind of thing differs from race to race; different-different people will think their own people only beautiful. It’s what you’re used to that matters mah. But even so, most races agree that forest spirits are quite sui kuan. Not bad.

  Because they come first, the forest spirits are very possessive of the land, and they are the ones who know the land. So there are rules. Before you dig a hole, you must get your freedom of the land from the local forest spirit. Never think you can own the tree you are living in—only forest spirits can own the trees, because they are the true owner of the land. You are only renter.

  The only exception is rowan tree. The rowan tree got no forest spirit of its own. That’s why you must never dig hole near a rowan tree: rowan trees are damn noisy. So many spirits living in the same tree, it’s very crowded, and they non-stop fight. Why your baby so noisy lah, why you so smelly lah, why your feet pointing the wrong way around lah—everybody shouting like there’s no tomorrow. Spirits are like that. They don’t know how to serve other people, they don’t know how to get along.

  But what to do? We’re all put on this land together; somehow or other we must learn to put up with each other. That’s why you must follow rule, learn to respect other cultures, don’t offend the gods if can avoid it. Even if the rules are stupid, even if you’re not religious, even if you don’t like other people’s customs, these things must keep in your heart. Outside must be polite a bit, never mind if you really feel that way or not. That’s what we do, we all earth people. That’s why we don’t get into trouble even though we’re not powerful. Even the richest earth spirit knows how to behave, so people don’t kacau them. That’s how you get through life.

  My mother taught me all this, so I knew I must follow the adat. The morning after I finish digging my new hole, I went to look for the forest spirit.

  They say deep in the jungle got no undergrowth, because the trees grow very tall and they got a lot of leaves, so the sunlight cannot reach the ground. I don’t know if this kind of thing is true or not. Earth spirits don’t go deep into the jungle. I walk small way into the trees already I feel nervous.

  Because why? Because I know it’s not my place. Everybody is like that: the sea spirit must stick to the sea; they live in river also don’t like. Their children might get used to it, and for their children the river will become home. But for the sea spirit who is born in the sea, they cannot be comfortable anywhere else. And I was born in the earth.

  So in the forest I kept close to myself, kept myself small, show I know I am only a visitor. You don’t have to try so hard to look for the forest spirit of your land. The land knows who it belongs to. I just followed the slope of the earth, and it led me to its master.

  The forest spirit saw me before I saw it. It was sitting in its tree, very relaxed. All these forest spirits, their tree is like some kind of kopitiam to them, like a cafe like that. They sit there drinking teh tarik all day. Very lazy people.

  “Oi, boss,” it said. “You going where, boss?”

  It jumped down from its tree, landing on its feet. It look like all forest spirits—tall, pointy ear, big smile. It didn’t look male or female. Forest spirits don’t have these concept. They say male or female has no meaning. They don’t like to follow rule. Like I said, they are very lazy.

  We earth people, we all like to have everything clear. I always think the forest spirit’s life must be very messy if they cannot even decide whether they are boy or girl.

  I admit, I was a bit scared. Forest spirits don’t know what is boundaries when it comes to people. Land, yes. But people, they don’t know where to draw the line.

  The forest spirit looked at me, its head first on one side, then on the other side, moving very fast like a bird. It stood very close. Its eyes look strange to me.

  “Sorry I come into your area, sir,” I said. “I want to set up hole here. Can I have the freedom of the land?”

  I bowed. When you bow to the forest spirit, you must put your hands together and bend your head so your forehead touches your finger. If it is a big forest spirit you can bend your back a bit, but only a bit. You must not respect too much. Only bend to your waist when a god is passing by.

  “Ah, hole ah,” it said, like it was thinking like that. All forest spirits talk like they are singing. “Hole ah hole ah hole. Hole. Where?”

  “In the bank of Sungai Udang, near the mangrove tree there,” I said.

  “Near the river,” it said. “The river god like you or not?”

  I paused. “I don’t know.”

  It held up one finger. “Okay, not to worry. This very easy to find out. You slept one night in the hole already, right?”

  I thought I knew what it was trying to say. “Yes, sorry, sir. I only finish digging late at night and I didn’t want to kacau you—”

  It waved its hand impatiently. “All that never mind. I ask you. Are you dead?”

  “Hah?”

  I hope you will not say ‘hah?’ to people like that. I only talk like that because I was surprised. When you don’t understand something, you must say, “I beg your pardon?” That is the polite way to say in Occi.

  “Are you dead?” said the forest spirit. “Did she try to drown you?”

  “No!” I said. “I am alive what. If she drown me I would be dead, right?”

  “How I know? Earth can swallow rain. Maybe earth spirit cannot drown.” It looked at my face. Then it said, “Looks like the river likes you. Now only left for me to decide.”

  It smiled.

  There’s a saying: never tell a crocodile a joke, never let a forest spirit smile at you. Both things are equally dangerous, because when a crocodile laughs it opens its mouth big-big, and when a forest spirit smiles …

  I think you don’t know how dangerous that is until you see a forest spirit smile. But by then it’s too late.

  I thought I was irritated. I don’t like people who are all over the place. Like most earth spirits, I like things to be neat, sensible. Of course forest spirits are not sensible.

  “I work hard,” I said stiffly. “I will be very quiet. I won’t make fight with the other spirits or use more than my fair share of the land. If you give me the freedom of the land, I won’t misuse it.”

  “Yalah,” said the forest spirit. “All this I can tell from your face. I very clever like that. But earth spirit who work hard and follow rule, everywhere also can find. The question is: does the land like you?”

  This I couldn’t answer. I can make friends with the earth. When I dug my hole at Kuala Ketam, the earth was happy; its voices sang to me. But the land is not the same thing as the earth. There are many-many voices in the land: water-voices, air-voices, animal-voices, spirit-voices, tree-voices. The voice of the land is too big for an earth spirit to hear.

  “How I know? You should know that what,” I said. “It’s your land.”

  “True, true,” said the forest spirit, as if it never thought of this before. It wrinkled its forehead and looked serious, but it was like a child pretending to listen to the teacher.

  “I think it’s not sure lah, boss,” it said finally. “Tell you what, I let the land think about you, tomorrow I ask how it feels. Tomorrow you come again. Tomorrow can know.”

  I was outraged. Forest spirits are so inefficient!

  “Tomorrow!” I said. “Meanwhile where I sleep?”

  “In the hole lah,” it said. “If the river didn’t drown you last night, it won’t drown you tonight.”

>   “ ‘The river won’t drown you!’ That’s all very well, but what about the land? I no protection from the spirits then how?”

  “I’ll tell them not to kacau you for now,” it said. It smiled again. “One night is OK. The land won’t mind one night. Tomorrow you come, boss.”

  I should have known from the smile. Two smiles from a forest spirit I never met before! Aiyah, I was very young and innocent. I knew how to make my way in the world, but I didn’t know how forest spirits think. I didn’t understand that forest spirits are not sensible. They are not like us earth spirits, worry about hole, worry about parents and children and past and future. To them, the only important thing is happiness, and their happiness is different from our one.

  Still, I was quite happy with my own happiness when I went to sleep that night. I had my own hole. Soon I would have the freedom of the land, and then I could start working.

  That’s what I thought.

  But the forest spirits have a saying. In Occi, it translates to something like: tomorrow also can.

  How I know forest spirits have this kind of saying? Because I heard it every day when I went to visit the forest spirit after that. Every day I went and ask: ‘Can I have the freedom of the land?’ Every day, cannot start work, cannot do anything useful—must go to this fellow and drink tea and ask question.

  By the second day already I stopped calling it ‘sir’. This kind of person there’s no point trying to respect. No matter whether you are rude or polite, they won’t change their behaviour, but at least you will feel better if you shout at them a bit.

  It never said no. It was never so straightforward. Every day: ‘Sorry lah, boss. I asked the land, but it still not sure.’

  ‘Cannot lah, boss, cannot rush the land. The land must make up its own mind. We wait first. You want tea? My mother make from her own toenails, it’s very good!’

  ‘Come tomorrow lah, tomorrow also can. What’s the rush?’

  Finally I said, “You ask me what’s the rush?”

  Earth spirits are not made to drink a lot of tea. My stomach didn’t feel so good, and I was losing patience.