by Sue Behnke
Geena saw him slump deeper in his chair, drained.
“I’ve been so ashamed! All my life, I have been so ashamed.”
They stayed quietly in their seats for a while. After a few minutes, Carl started to pray aloud.
“Thank you, Lord, my king. Thank you for your help and your guidance. Oh, God, you are our help in our time of need. Thank you for your love for Brendan. Thank you for your intervention. Bless him, Lord, and let him shine for you in his home and his workplace. Let your peace reign in him my king. Amen.”
Geena heard Brendan say sheepishly, “Am I healed now? Is this a miracle?”
“No,” replied Carl with an amused smile, “you just started the process of healing. It will take time. You will have to deal with more traumas and choose to forgive your dad over and over, trauma by trauma in order to release all the fear and the hatred from your system. This is poisoning your life. We can meet again in a few weeks if you want. It is up to you man. You are in control of this. Call me when you are ready to take this further.”
Brendan quietly thanked the pastor and got to the door. He turned around. He was shuffling his feet, embarrassed.
“I don’t know how to stop her from being bad, bro C. Any ideas? She screams and has gotten into throwing things. My woman is getting frustrated and expects me to help—”
“Brendan, there are excellent books out there to help you understand a two-year-old and deal with these issues. That child needs to know that you love her even if she is misbehaving. You can be firm with the issues and gentle with the child. Remember how it felt to have your old man tower over you and scare you into submission? Don’t do that to your child. She is too precious.”
Carl gave him the title of a couple of books and accompanied him to the door. Geena quickly jolted down the proposed titles. Carl closed the door and turned around, looked at her, and smiled.
“Well, that was an eventful day! How are you holding up?”
She smiled.
“Thank you. I’m fine. I hope you’re not too tired. You still have two appointments today.”
She saw Carl’s countenance slump slightly. He sighed and walked slowly back to his office.
Chapter 4
Looking at Jane
Benjamin Weiss slowly headed toward the dining room. It had been a long day at work. He was bushed.
He could not shake that vision thing, hard as he tried. It puzzled him greatly. As he passed the small den, he had a glimpse of his wife, Jane, on her knees, praying. He quickly moved on, refusing to wonder about the tears streaming down her face. It was not for him to question or emote over her prayer times. They had established that right after they married. He still was frustrated to be out of the loop. He was wondering if he had anything to do with the obvious despair on her face. Maybe he was not a good enough husband. Who knew what went on in her heart?
She was still so beautiful and so cryptic. After five years of marriage, he knew precious little about her childhood and previous marriage. She just did not chat freely, and he was not the best listener. She was reliable though. She had promised she would not cheat on him. (His ex had left him for a friend.) She constantly made sure not to give him cause for anxiety or jealousy. He was so grateful for the little gestures and the comfort she thoughtfully brought. Yes, he was still glad he married her, just puzzled at the secrecy. He did not have access to the diary she kept in a locked drawer. He just wished he knew what she really thought of him deep in the recesses of her heart.
He briefly mused about sharing the angel experience, but he decided against it. He did not want to burden her.
Chapter 5
Looking at the Heavens
A majestic figure stood in the room. Two angels holding huge swords were behind him, head slightly bowed in reverence. Their presence created a weighty sense of glory, powerful yet barely perceptible to the frail woman on her knees.
The king listened as Jane Weiss poured her pain and despair to the heavens. She spoke unreservedly without anger to a God she knew would understand.
The darkness of her soul seemed unsurmountable. She spoke her disappointments and disillusions. She cried her despair and her powerlessness.
He patiently stood in front of her, listening intently to her heart. He did not move, just tilted his head toward her, his robe barely touching her bowed forehead.
Finally, she took a long breath. The silent figure placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Jane, I love you.”
Jane could not see the nail-scarred hand. She could not really see the light that emanated from him and was released into her soul, but a great peace was visible on her face.
“My dear Jesus, my beloved king, I choose to trust you. I choose to keep on going and not give up for your sake, my love. Please keep giving me the courage to go on. Thank you for standing by me, my sweetheart.”
Jane turned to her diary.
Chapter 6
Sunday at Church
On Sunday morning, Carl was in the prayer room, waiting to start the service. He was trying to quiet his spirit. He was so keenly aware of a sense of emptiness that gnawed at his insides.
A few prayer warriors had gathered in the room, speaking words of blessing over him and over the service. He listened to the prayers, but was aware that the motive of the hearts around him caused him deep uneasiness.
The competition between the guys for second in command was fierce. He remembered that Jesus faced the same ordeal with his disciples, and he smiled sadly. He did not have the energy or the skills apparently to do much about it. He just listened, hoping God would forgive and bless him anyway. He looked at his wife across the room. She was very quietly looking at the floor, her eyebrows knotted. She did not look at him once or pray aloud. For a flicker of a second, he wondered at the reason she seemed so preoccupied, but the thought vanished as soon as it came, drowned by the sound of prayers of the well-wishers.
After the worship Carl faced the congregation. He spoke as eloquently as he could, with adequate numbers of biblical references about the issue of tithes. The faces looking back at him reflected everything from disgust to wide-eyed expressions. He stepped down, feeling depressed and unworthy. A thought crept in his mind. If he gave up, the whole congregation would just move to the next church down the street. All his labor would be forgotten in a few months. They would not remember his name within the year.
As soon as he dismissed the crowd, people stood in line, looking for their turn to speak. Mrs. Jones wanted to tell him how his speech reminded her of another sermon she had heard a few years ago. She could not remember the name of the pastor though. John wanted to tell the pastor that he was truly faithful with his tithes. Carl duly thanked him. Bernie wanted to share how her cat was doing.
Others wanted prayers for different ailments, some real, some suspicious. At last, a young woman Carl had never seen before came forth. She was smiling and wanted to thank him for a wonderful teaching. She introduced herself as Barb Weller. Barb was new in town, and she was looking for a home church.
Carl’s heart skipped a bit. She was pretty without being crass. She asked him a few questions about the congregation, about a potential Bible study.
She kept toying with her hair, a seemingly cute girlish habit which for some reason moved him. He had to check himself a few times. He was so grateful for her comments though. She was just being positive about the environment and the people. It was so sweet.
He invited her to come back next Sunday. She accepted the invitation with genuine pleasure. He walked away feeling lighter.
Chapter 7
Divorced!
Jane Weiss was hidden in her den, struggling with a deep sense of despair. She felt unworthy and dirty, her life weighed heavily on her frail shoulders. She tried to pray, but she was angry with God today, such painful memories ripping her soul.
She wrote some angry lines in her diary but decided to rip the pages out. It was not fitting to talk to God like that. Not after all
that had happened.
There were so many segments of her life she still could not comprehend. She had strived to be a good wife, a good woman, a good Christian. She went to church every Sunday, helped at every occasion, and then her world just imploded. Her life collapsed.
Her first husband was a Christian, one respected in the church, a well-spoken gentleman who seemed to have it all figured out.
She tried to be a good wife, to be worthy.
He just sat her in front of him one day and declared that she made him unhappy, that he could not pursue a ministry with her at his side because she just did not understand his needs.
That was the first time in her life she knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that she had a soul. She felt it shatter.
She stayed dazed and confused for days. She had no retort to his words, so she retreated in her own world in defeat.
She finally confided in a lady from church. The woman was indignant.
“This is hogwash! Are you going to let him get away with this?”
Jane was shaken from her lethargy. She attempted a confrontation with the man she had called her own for more than ten years. He became haughty.
“Are you going to stoop to this level, Jane? Are you going to drag us in the mud? I was hoping for some dignity from you.”
That was all the explanation she received. She was divorced soon after and alone.
Things did not fare better for Jane at church. As a divorcee, she found herself a persona non grata in the assembly. It did not help matters that she was having a nervous breakdown and taking a few pills to help. The people in her church did not believe in taking medicine or in being depressed for that matter. The leadership of the church ignored her. Others continually advised her to pull herself together and reconcile with her now ex-husband. Soon after, she could no longer show her face in the church without someone scowling at her.
Ultimately, she made a decision she did not regret much. She left the church and vowed never to come back to religion.
Though she may have tried, she could not let go of God.
Oh, she spent a year straight raging at him and hating him. She refused to pray, and she stomped her foot when she remembered him. She even shook her fist at him a few times. After all, she had been wronged, and he chose not to help. He sat on his hands while she suffered. A year into that, she got tired of the temper tantrums. It just got dull.
An old acquaintance from the church called to gossip about her ex. “You know he married again, and before the ink on the divorce papers dried too! I never trusted his eyes! Always thought he was shifty!”
The lady assumed Jane would rejoice and feel vindicated. Jane just felt tired.
“Well, he’s just been asked to stop praying for people. Apparently, the leadership of the church realized that he had no business advising people on relationships and such. Finally! I said to myself, some justice! Finally! Well, I thought you might like to know where things stood, dear!”
To Jane, the church had done so little so late. She did not see why she should rejoice at his expense. It was just so empty.
But then Benjamin came in her life—sweet, gentle Benjamin.
He seemed so lonely like a wounded puppy. His wife had just deserted him for one of his buddies. Jane just wanted to mother him, to hold him and not let go. He was so grateful that he insisted and persisted until they married. It seemed like he dreaded loneliness as much as she did.
She had assumed that God would be against it, that he would not want her to be remarried and happy, so she shook her fist at him and told him she would marry Benjamin anyways, even if it incurred his wrath.
She felt she got even with the Almighty, and she was glad. That was five years ago. That was when she did not really know him.
Chapter 8
The Pastor’s Wife
Carl was preparing to go to the office. He took his morning coffee on the balcony with his wife. As usual these days, she was quiet and withdrawn. He tried to start a conversation and mentioned their son’s studies. He wanted to make sure the boy was doing his best.
Maria looked at him as if she was seeing him for the first time. “What do you mean, Carl? What exactly are you expecting from him?”
Her response took him by surprise.
“I was just wondering if he wouldn’t benefit from some professional help with his homework. Maria, I don’t understand why you seem stressed about this subject. Is everything okay?”
Carl could see that Maria was struggling with her anger, trying to keep her emotions under wrap. “The boy needs to have a normal life, Carl. He cannot keep living in a fishbowl like we do. It’s not fair to him.”
Carl was shocked. He had never heard Maria speak this way before. She had always been the perfect partner, the quiet strength, his faithful supporter. A fishbowl? What was happening here?
“Well, I need to go to the office now. We can speak of this later. See you soon, dear.” He gave her a quick peck on the cheek, feeling his heart sinking.
A thought slithered into his mind. Your life at home is collapsing too.
Chapter 9
A Strange Dream
Benjamin woke up from a strange dream. It shook him up. Something was not right! He could no longer ignore what was happening to him.
He got up and found Jane in the kitchen.
“Are you all right, Benjamin? What’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”
“Janie, I’m not sure if I’m well. I just had the strangest dream. Um … you are going to think I’m going insane, but in my dream I was walking on water. I must think I’m God or something. Crazy, huh!”
He looked at her desperately, hoping she would not ridicule him too cruelly or admit him in an insane asylum. The thought gave him chills.
Jane appeared to be thinking for a few moments. She then spoke slowly, looking at him calmly. “Walking on water is possible for a believer, Benjamin. Jesus was not the only one who walked on water.”
“Huh! What are you talking about, Janie?”
“Peter walked on water too.”
“In the dream I was marveling at the water. It felt beautiful and so still. It was like being in wonderland for the first time. I kept thinking, Is this real? Am I really walking on water? Then I started wondering if there were sharks in the area. Fear gripped me. Then I woke up. It was just so silly! Janie, the whole thing felt so real! I mean I was almost surprised my feet were not wet when I woke up! It was just so weird!”
“I have a cup of tea for you, love. It will calm you down a bit.”
“Janie, this is not all.” He told her about the angel he saw previously in his vision.
This time she was quiet for a long time.
Chapter 10
The Sin that Entangles
Carl had a surprise call from Barb Weller that week. She needed his advice on a book she was reading.
“I don’t understand. It masquerades as an impartial book on Christianity, but it contains a criticism of the gospels that cut deep. It really filled me with doubt, and I don’t like that. The author says that the apostles did not seem to agree on the stories of Jesus. Each tells stories of his own, and Paul simply mentions that Jesus was born of a woman under the law as if he was negating his miraculous birth. I’m baffled!”
Carl was glad to assist. He loved the scriptures and enjoyed looking at the more difficult passages.
“Let me ask you a question, Barb. If your mother, your friend, and your husband were each writing your biography, would they tell the same stories? You see, Luke got his account from Mary, the mother of Jesus, and Mark spoke to Peter. John was addressing mature believers whom he assumed already knew the basics. Matthew was speaking of what he had witnessed, of course. Paul was making a point that our Lord did not break the laws that God established in the Old Testament. He came under the authority of the law with the ability to judge and therefore save those under the law. Does that make sense?”
Barb started chirping with glee o
n the other line. She felt vindicated in her faith and declared herself so grateful for Carl’s depth and knowledge.
Carl knew better than to let it go to his head, but he was too tired to fight. Maria was nowhere in his heart at this point. He was thoroughly enjoying the conversation. It was about God anyway. A check came to his spirit, but he waived it immediately, telling himself there was no harm done.
They chatted for half an hour. She was so excited about what she was learning, and she listened eagerly to his opinion on a few other matters.
She was like a fresh breeze cutting through the gloominess of his day. He did not mention to her that the church was in a financial crunch. He just listened to her joyous chatter and sighed when she hung up.
Chapter 11
A Vow
Carl finally had some time alone. He was not sure how to pray anymore. He could not figure out how to get the God he had served all these years to hear his pleas.
He looked at the papers and the bills and just let his despair wash over him. He tried to remember why he had so desired to be a pastor. He had assumed that it was a call, but these last few years, he had been wondering if he could have made a mistake. He certainly seemed blessed in some areas, but in others he was not so sure.
The finances were never his forte. He had assumed that God would take care of this. He used to be so confident, and many times he had taken great risks. God had shown such grace and favor before through people catching his vision, people whose hearts got touched and tenderized by the Spirit of God. Or was it? Maybe he had subconsciously manipulated them. He just wasn’t so sure anymore.
He looked to the heavens in his heart and made a silent vow to God, “If you show me what to do, Lord, and prove to me that it is your will, I will obey it no matter how difficult it is. Even if you ask me to leave the church, I will obey you.”