by Sue Behnke
He felt a surprising measure of peace touch his heart. A scripture rose up in him with such strength. The peace of the Lord is your umpire! He felt a trepidation and an excitement replacing the despair. The Lord was speaking to him from Colossians 3:15. He had recited and taught this bit of Scripture often. He took this as confirmation that the Lord was taking him up on his promise. He and the Almighty had a deal! He could not help but smile.
Chapter 12
Jane’s Diary
Jane spent a lot of time in her little prayer corner in the den. She wanted to make sure. She just had to be sure. Going back to church was not something she yearned for. A friend had mentioned a church’s name, and she recognized the gentle tug at her soul.
Jane was in turmoil.
She was so afraid of losing Benjamin. She never really understood how her first marriage had collapsed, how she had failed the man she had vowed to love forever. She just had to be sure.
Absentmindedly, she opened her diary at a random place in the middle of the notebook, skipping so much penned despair and pain. Her eyes fell on the pages. Some of the ink was smudged with the tears, ink already yellowing and fading as her memories and anguish were healing.
An entry caught her attention.
Beloved one, I’m glad you are here. I’m comfortable sitting and opening my heart to you. It is strange that I can finally speak about it. It has been tailing me across the years. It has become an element of my shadow. Dragging it around all these years has worn the shock away, but a residue of grief and disbelief remains.
I bet you know all about the details already. I’m sure you were there. My need to speak to you makes no sense. I have fought the need to speak for a long time. What is the achievement? I neither want a sympathetic pat on the back nor desire pity. So what’s the big deal about sharing these stories? I honestly don’t know. But since you are here and you are willing to listen to me, I want to tell you. Just please don’t pity me. I could not handle it coming from you. Not you.
She skipped to another page, her emotions were welling up.
In the years I have finally chosen to get to know you, you have become closer than a friend, more intimate than a confidant, and I trust you. For the first time, I want to talk to you about him.
She moved on again, trying to find something, a message for today.
You are ever kind to me. I don’t understand why you love me, but over the years I have learned to accept it. Remember at first when I used to try to forbid you from loving me? You must have had a good laugh at my silliness. You gently wore my defenses down, and I eventually gave in to your sweet nature.
Tears started flowing. She quickly flipped the pages to another entry, trying to compose herself. Benjamin could come in at any time. She knew her tears always disturbed him. She read another entry.
I’m trying to shake the habit of blaming you, dear one, every time things go awfully wrong. It has taken me a couple of decades to finally understand that tyranny is part of this fallen world. It is the answer to the pain we choose to lay on one another. In my youth I would have gladly chosen to rule the world, intending to change it for the better. In my wiser years, I would not want to rule over others even to save my life. I have finally understood the dangers of believing in any superiority over anyone else. I have learned that from you. I have seen how you gently restore, how patient you are, knowing that we’re fragile creatures ripping each other to pieces in a futile effort to protect ourselves.
I pretend to look at you, and I smile. I’m still grappling with emotions, but I know that as I will refuse to blame others, the rage will eventually be replaced by pity. We are such volatile creatures gripped by fear. I look at you again, and my smile widens. I feel like crying over injustice, but if I trust you, somehow a new strategy will emerge in me. I will move on, and I will be healed.
What a sad world we have created for ourselves.
She closed her diary. She was sure now. She would speak to Benjamin tonight.
Chapter 13
A Marriage on Unsure Grounds
Carl looked at Maria wondering what was happening behind the veil over her eyes. She seemed so distant, just going through motions. They had been married twenty years. He just realized he did not know her anymore.
He counseled so many people, so many miserable couples. He had seen so many men and women healed, so many couples fall in love again, yet he looked at his own with perplexity. Why could he not reach her anymore?
There were times when they moved as one, a time when he considered her his best ally, his number-one fan. She had been involved in every step building the church. He did not notice the gradual rift until the other day.
As he looked at his wife, the cheerful voice of Barb came to his mind. Guilt gripped him, and he rose up to leave to the office.
He turned at the door, and as gently as he could, he asked her if all was well.
Maria sighed deeply, looking intensely at her coffee. “All is fine, Carl. All is fine.”
His heart sunk a bit. A deep sadness washed over him. He walked slowly away. A fear gripped him as he closed the door. A divorce would cost him everything.
Chapter 14
Another Unusual Sunday
It was another Sunday, another day for Carl to speak. He had spent the week as usual, researching and praying. He was confident he was ready with a message that would help his community, the sheep he was entrusted with, to grow closer to a wonderful God he loved.
He could not help notice bubbly Barb sitting in the second row, smiling broadly and nodding her approval frequently. He endeavored to look at the entire congregation. Maria and his son, Peter, were sitting in the front row, looking at him, sometimes blankly and sometimes with mild curiosity.
At the end the usual crowd gathered to pray or to make a point or two. Barb was there again, cheerfully pouring encouragement and excitement, giving the pastor an update on the book she had just finished.
On a whim Carl looked to the side and froze for a few seconds. His wife, Maria, was looking on with a grimace on her face he had never seen before. Mortified, he said something trivial to Barb and tried to smile at Maria while heading in her direction. Maria just looked away, and she started walking toward the door.
As he was following, Brendan planted himself in his path and greeted him in his unconventional manner.
“Yo, bro C! Wassup?”
“I’m very well, Brendan. How are you?”
“So who is the new dame, Pastor?”
Carl felt trapped. He took a deep breath and tried to look as casual as he could.
“Her name is Barb. Why don’t you introduce your wife to her, Brendan? Barb is new in town. She might be happy to have a friend.”
“I’m not sure it is my wifey she wants to get close to, if you know what I mean, Pastor. I see the way she runs to you, waving her body at you and such. I hope your missus is either blind or very forgiving. I know what my little rib would do to me if I allowed anything female get that close or act that friendly!” Brendan was chuckling, looking pretty pleased with his wit.
A look at the change on the pastor’s face told him he missed the mark.
“Brendan, I sure don’t know what you mean. What! How—”
Carl could not find more to say. He was shocked.
“Sorry, padre. You know the good book and the way to heaven. I know women and the way to hell. Just came out of there not too long ago. Don’t be upset now to hear the truth. Don’t shoot the messenger now.”
Carl felt the blood draining from his face, turned, and slowly left the sanctuary, steaming with anger.
As he reached the door, mechanically shaking hands, he noticed a couple he had not seen before. He breathed deeply to quiet his anxiety and introduced himself briefly.
“Hey there, glad to have you here. I’m the pastor, Carl.”
Benjamin Weiss shook his hand first and then introduced his wife, Jane. They seemed shy and withdrawn to Carl, so he kept his distance, asking
them if they lived close by.
“Yes, we do, actually.” Benjamin hesitated and added, “This is actually more Janie’s milieu than mine.” He seemed at a loss for more words.
Jane seemed hesitant, almost reluctant to commit herself even to a conversation with the pastor, so he politely welcomed them to the congregation and invited them to call the place their spiritual home. He then went after Maria, dreading the encounter.
Chapter 15
A Divine Voyage
All Benjamin did was get to bed.
Jane was already sleeping peacefully. He looked at her for a bit with tenderness. He saw such innocence on her face.
When she invited him to visit a church service with her, he did not offer much resistance. He could see she was nervous and needed his support. He was curious and slightly concerned about the other men in that community. He was not going to risk losing her.
During the worship he could feel the very air thickening around him. There was an almost palpable spiritual crescendo that was reached. He felt a powerful electrical surge go through his body. For a while he expected some divine sign or miracle to appear, but nothing else happened. He did not know what to make of it.
He barely lay in bed himself when he felt a hand grab him by the neck somehow like a mother cat grabs a kitten.
“Come on up!” boomed a distant voice.
He was pulled out of his body.
Chapter 16
Maria’s Pain
“Carl, do you believe God loves me?”
Of all the questions in the world, that was one he did not expect to hear from Maria’s lips.
Carl was dumbfounded. He realized she was deeply wounded. He was tempted to blurt out a trite answer he knew would not resolve anything, but then he stopped. He just needed to come clean. He looked into her eyes, seeing their beauty for the first time in years. “Maria, I’m sorry I hurt you today.”
“Carl, you know at the beginning I felt so privileged to be part of your vision, to lend my strength to the plow. I felt so fortunate that you would ask me to be the partner of your life and your ministry. I worked so hard to help you build the church. You have become a respected pastor, a voice in your community. I, on the other hand—” Her voice broke.
Carl got very quiet. An account from the Bible kept playing in his mind—Esau weeping before his father, begging him for a blessing, “Father, father, where is my blessing?”
She was gently weeping now, her heart and soul shattered. Carl was heartbroken. Mostly, he knew he was powerless. That pain was between her and God. God needed to answer her question.
“Maria, I’ll take your question to the Lord in prayer. I cannot presume to have an answer. Please be patient. Give me the time to seek God’s face. I don’t want to give you a shallow answer, and I certainly won’t dismiss your pain. Your question is valid and requires a reply. I love you too much to ignore the cry of your heart. Please, Maria, please trust me a bit more. You have been my best friend and my ally. I want to do this.”
Chapter 17
A Bite of Poison
Brendan had been called cocky before and much worse things for that matter. He was on a power trip, knowing he had something on the pastor.
He called a few guys from the church and nonchalantly dropped innuendos, enjoying the morbid curiosity it created on the other side or the clever retorts.
He made the mistake of calling old James Duff though.
“Hey, Jamie, old boy, how are ya? It’s Brendan from church.”
James Duff was glad to listen initially, thinking Brendan needed help of some kind.
“Did you see the new doll gracing the steps of our church today? She seems to really enjoy the sermon today, huh! She seemed to enjoy the pastor even more, if you know what I mean! Did you see her running for prayer? Lucky pastor or what! All he has to do is open his arms, and she would land right there, huh! Must be good to be the pastor.”
Brendan was laughing suggestively, trying to think up a few more funny pokes. He did not expect the reaction he got from the old man though.
James got upset at what he described as “idle gossip,” and he chastised Brendan a tad harshly for bringing down a decent man.
Brendan felt it like a slap in the face. He realized he had done some damage to a man who had been kind to him. He was quite ashamed.
Chapter 18
A Step Too Far
Benjamin looked at his wife. It took every ounce of self-control to keep levelheaded, steady, and maybe at least sound calm.
“Janie, I had another, uh … experience last night. But, uh … I don’t think I should share it. It’s kind of for someone else. I would not know how else to describe it.”
“Who is it for, dear? Oh, I’m sorry. Is it okay to ask?”
“I think I was given a message to the pastor of that church we went to.”
“Hmmm. Sure, dear. What are you planning to do with the message? Do you think he will accept it from you? After all, he does not know you.”
Benjamin felt a tinge of fear creep up his spine. He suddenly was seeing perils to this simple expedition he had not thought of before.
“Oh, I did not think this whole thing through, I guess. He might have me committed instead. I had better reconsider before shooting my mouth off.”
She went to him and gave him the gentlest hug.
“I’m so sorry I put doubt in your heart, dear. Don’t listen to me now! I’m sure you will find a way to approach him. You will do fine, Benjamin! He is a man of God after all. He should have discernment in this matter.”
Chapter 19
Repentance
Carl spent Monday fasting and praying away from all distractions. He drove Maria to her family for a visit, and he went to a small room, offered by a friend, where he was secluded for the day.
He felt such agony tear at his soul. A thought had been germinating: he had let his wife down on so many levels.
A revelation was forming in his spirit. He knew the Lord was answering his prayers. He thought the Lord would give him a miracle and change his world. It turned out God was changing him to see his world through different lenses.
He had let down Maria and so many others who had trusted his leadership. He had been driven by a dream instead of serving others as the Christ had modeled the way for him.
There he was now, pondering whether he had failed Maria utterly, wondering if she felt he no longer cared for her, if she thought he favored another woman. He felt guilty, thinking he had helped bring her to a place where she could not see God’s love for her anymore. He had built glorious church walls and neglected the most precious souls around him.
Grief was crushing his heart. His spiritual eyes were made to see the damage he had created. He spent hours repenting, asking God to forgive him and help him remedy the situation. He offered his heart to the Lord again to heal and change.
Carl sensed he was approaching a new dawn. He was catching a glimpse of new possibilities.
Chapter 20
A Healing Process
Jane Weiss was sitting in prayer, her body shaking with fury. Under the gentle hand of her Creator, she let the well of pain erupt. She was so tired of bottling up unuttered words, unhealed rejection. She imagined herself slapping him in the face, and words she knew she could never utter before a human being were pouring out of her wounded soul.
She had been raging for hours, shaking her fist at an invisible man, screaming at elusive ears.
After the pain subsided, she knew what she needed to do. She turned to her journal and started scribbling. She tried to start a letter, but she needed to speak to Him first. She needed to clear the slate before she could concentrate on forgiveness.
She wrote with such tenderness to the beautiful one, the one her heart adored, the one who adored her back.
As I look deeper into me, I realize that I have not always agreed with you about the ways you choose to function in this world. I have to admit that I carried a grudge against you, and I s
hook my fist at you while claiming that I did not believe in you. I feel the distortion wringing the life out me.
You know if I really get to the root of it, I resent that you are in control and not me. I’m uncomfortable in a world that does not cater to my needs. I would like to control death and change fate according to my whims. That is the bottom line. That is the source of my grief. I have to admit that from all that you taught me, you are better at being in charge than I am. I will give you that. Now you got me smiling again. The silliness of it all makes me giggle a bit. I know you are smiling back.
This moment passes too soon. There is this other sadness that is fighting to the surface. I’m tired of its taste. I give in to the emotion far too easily. Yes, how I begrudge you your power.
I’m trying to slip away from you. I just don’t want to go there anymore. I have hidden that pain between the deep folds of my heart, and I’m trying to wiggle my hand away from yours. You are gently relentless. I sigh and follow.
I want to be eloquent about this. I want to shrug it off so I can look cool and composed. There is a deeper part of me that is howling within. A primal anger is rising to take over. Beautiful one, how can I allow this in your quiet presence? I feel like running again. Thank you for steadying me. You don’t mind my rage. You seem to understand it more than I do.
Everything in me wants to move on, to leave the pain behind, but I guess we were not meant to function this way. I’m tired of crying, tired of feeling down, bound to some invisible chain with him. After all, he was only a man, and I never really knew him.
I kind of saw him yesterday in a dream. It was not a good dream. I woke up frightened, wondering what that meant. But I knew well the meaning. The terrors of the night came rushing back, enveloping me. I had to remind myself and repeat over and over that it was finished now. That all was well now. These were the fears of another time, the grief of another era. I’m well now. I force myself to look at you, wonderful one, and drink your peace. Then peace comes.